A
male
age
41-50,
*r.goodguy
writes:Some Posters seem to be condoneing cheaters and ex promiscus people.Why do people think that its ok to lie to their husbands or wifes???I just read where one agony aunt said "don't beat yourself up over it you just felt a connection so you cheated"???what is wrong with this society !!its sick and wrong look if you're cheating with multiple people and still saying, "but I love my husband/wife??"i think you are WRONG!It seems that some people want the comforts of marriage and the thrill of new sex.That seems wrong !!!Perhaps some people should stay single?because no partner deserves that treatment If it were you would you want the truth !!!!???YES Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): I've lost my entire life due to my emotional cheating and misdemeanours, everything I've ever worked for, my gorgeous stunning best friend and fiancée, my sons and step daughters and all my possessions, belongings and home. On top of that I've hated my life for 3 years, if she ever even thinks about seeing anybody there will be serious trouble arriving to her door, winds me up severely, if id known such silly little meaningless acts were going to destroy my entire life and my sons I'd never have done it, rest of my life is pointless, I don't live I exist, til the day I leave Ill be sad and lonely as I've been for 3 years. I won't ever be faithful to any other woman out of respect for the woman I've always loved since we met many years ago. I'll remain anonymous but I suspect afew of the posters on here will know who I am as we've had plenty of discussions before. Best wishes all
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): No one condones cheating.
But should she beat her self up? If she leaves him and is honest with him. Nope. But if she keeps them both then yes.
While is is normal to think someone else is attractive, if it goes father than this then it starts to become cheating.
I speak from experience as someone who has "cheated" My partner was very abusive, called me everything from stupid to mentally disabled, mocked the music I listened to, and even gto angry at me because I was not working to support "us" (we were both students at college, and He did not work) He played online games (Lineage 2 / frintezza server..) the whole day and would not get a job, I never bickered or fought back because he would yell at me/hit me if I did.
I tried my best to be a good girlfriend, and changed and stopped doing everything that displeased him. After around 3 years of relationship I met a man who treated me like a princess, was funny, and worked and went to school.
I FELL FOR HIM. HARD.
So what did I do? As soon as I felt this way, I left my BF.
I'm not justifying myself, I was emotionally cheating on my ex-bf. He might have been the worst cr*p ever, but I had to leave him before getting involved with someone else.
It is only a matter of decency.
Sadly, the world is very different than our ideals, and people lie and cheat all the time.
Like when you say to a guy "he has the best penis ever" or you say to a girl her "boobs are the perfect size/great"
It is undeniable that people will feel attracted to another at one point on their lives, what makes it cheating is WHAT THE CHOSE TO DO! and How the choose to ACT upon those feelings.
A love of people confuse love with being "in love" and those are very different.
Would I like to know?
Maybe, so I could dump him.
There are a lot of things that may seem wrong to YOU that to others seem perfectly natural, such as lets say Child marriage, or there is even a culture that encourages teens to have sexual relations before marriage. So really the spectrum of morals is very wide.
Before a relationship or getting TOO serious is goo to talk about this. but cheating can happen annyways as you do not own anyone. Just look at the question from a womn cheated on haver over 40 years together.
You cant live your life on mistrust, but you have to be RATIONAL and LOGICAL enough to understand that we are humans and we and others may and will err.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): "Some Posters seem to be condoneing cheaters and ex promiscus people."
No one here condones cheating and there's nothing wrong with "ex" promiscuous people so there's nothing to "condone".
"Why do people think that its ok to lie to their husbands or wifes???"
Because sometimes it's a good thing to lie. 'Am I fat?' 'Nope', 'Do you like bigger penises than mine?' 'Nope'. Those are good lies.
"I just read where one agony aunt said "don't beat yourself up over it you just felt a connection so you cheated"???"
I don't agree with that at all, that's just a pathetic justification. There is no excuse for cheating but then again there's no point in beating yourself up about things you can't change.
"its sick and wrong look if you're cheating with multiple people and still saying, "but I love my husband/wife??""
I agree, it's pretty pathetic.
"If it were you would you want the truth !!!!???YES"
That's a hard one to call. I'd want to know so I can dump them. but not everyone would want to know if it was one time mistake that will never happen again. I know quite a lot of people like that, one woman in particular her husband cheated about 10 years ago once while on holiday. I'm the only person he ever told, she doesn't know it happened and I advised him not to say anything because knowing her like I do I know she'd rather not know. It was one mistake, he's never done anything since and they have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I've ever met and 3 kids who would have never been born had he said anything to her.
It's not always black and white, and who are you to judge what works well for others?
Live your own life and let others live theirs.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Everyone has their own values for themselves and expectations for their partners. Hopefully most people agree that lying, misleading, abusing, hurting, etc are bad. Whether we have a specific value on sexual exclusivity is something different. Sometimes we dont realise that a relationship is failing until we meet a new partner. Thats when the opportunity to cheat arises. Do we tell current partner we want out or do we lie and pretend and maybe even enjoy the buzz of the secret lover?
Modern society has reduced the value and meaning of marriage and promoted individual freedom and rights. In a world where everyone looks after their own interest what does cheating have to with anything?
If you want a long, or short, term relationship then all we can do is seek out a partner with similar views and values as yourself. Bemoaning the choices and actions of others does nothing.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 December 2012):
One thing that people should think about before they cheat (or any sexual mistake) is that once an act is done, it can never be undone. No matter how much you pray or wish, once you do it, you own it for eternity. The "fun" or whatever you call it will last about an hour. The repercussions are now permanently etched on to you and who you are forever.
Perhaps a dedicating just a few brain cells to this thought process pre-transgression, a lot less of these episodes would occur.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Cheating is by its very nature deceitful and therefore not justifiable. I think you may be confusing excuses with reasons. When giving advice, sometimes it helps to explore why that person cheated. Perhaps they were looking for an escape from a troubled relationship, perhaps they got their head turned by some-one else, perhaps it relates to some other issues in their life. None of this is to get them off the hook, or pat them on the back and say there there! It’s to help them understand why they engaged in destructive behaviour and help them hopefully never to do it again. It’s not about allowing people to get out of taking responsibility for their own actions, but however strongly you feel about this people do cheat for a reason. We might all find roundly condemning them very satisfying in the short term but it’s not going to help make anything better for them or their partner.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (28 December 2012):
 It's just a matter of a individual stating their personal opinion, you need to look at the suituation and the consequences before you urge someone to admit infidelity to their spouse.
I'm all about honesty but you need to put yourself in that persons shoes before you can tell them to go ahead and tell everything, so it's not technically condoning it, it's suituational.
If someone wrote in saying they can't tell their partner about their infidelity because their partner is abusive and it could end up in a heated arguement and turn physical, would you still urge them to tell the truth? No, you wouldn't because the consquence is that they could come to serious harm.
I believe cheating is wrong, but i also believe in not labeling people as a baddy until you've REALLY heard their story.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 I abhor cheating.
I define cheating as ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your spouse/partner
So the guy that goes to the race track at lunch time and gambles and WINS and does not tell his wife is cheating her.
The woman that tries to entice the pool boy... and doesn't tell her hubby because what he doesn't know won't hurt him.. CHEATING.
CHEATING is not just about sex. I would rather my husband have a quick bang with someone he does not care about than have an emotional affair online with someone women he's never met.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 December 2012):
 As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I agree with you completely.
People who cheat will always try to justify their actions because those actions affect the lives of other people and nobody wants to be the bad guy/gal!!
Cheating has gone on since humans have been on this earth and we haven't ever really learned how to deal with the issue or stop it completely because the ethos of fidelity has it's roots in all manner of man made ideals and covenants and those are in direct conflict with human emotions and natural urges (nature/nurture)
Of course not everyone will cheat and many people remain happy with one partner at a time with no thought of infidelity. The pain that comes with infidelity has made us want to avoid it and shape our behaviour to abhor it's existence but like other vile human behaviours (murder, abuse, torture etc)it will always remain within all societies, because human beings are not as developed as we would like to think.
We all have the choice to be faithful or not...we all have free will to do as we wish and if that makes us go against societal norms, of course some people are going to do just that.
Life is imperfect but whilst here we may as well live it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2012):
 I was cheated on once. The moment I knew it we were over. It took me seconds only to make that decision.No second chance, and I did not want to hear excuses. I would have regarded any excuse as sludge.So I did NOT need to explain myself. The betrayal registered and at that very moment he ceased to exist. The evidence was plain and clear for me to see. So I did not even bother to say any words to him either. As he did not deserve that either. And I can honestly say I have never cheated ever when dating and nor when married. Once a person wants to cheat I think they need to accept that there is something missing in their existing relationship. So either fix the existing relationship or EXIT the existing relationship. Then start again.In between marriages I recall being approached by a guy who explained that he was separated. No thank you was my reaction. But then he tried to justify it by telling me he has been separated for eight years. Like that makes a difference? Double NO thank you Sir. Imagine in eight years he had never felt the need to break up with his wife? So he clearly had some heavy emotional baggage. So who would waste time with a guy like that?If a guy goes into business with another guy he shakes hands on the deal and usually also has some legal paperwork to show there is a signed deal. IF a week later he walked out on the deal his integrity and his name would be mud. So what is the the difference? A marriage between two people or even a relationship is still a contract. Honorable people stand by their word so that their integrity remains intact and so that people know that they can rely on the word of the person who honors the contracts he enters into.Go for a partner with Integrity every time. It trumps all the fancy words in the world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): Some people want their cake and eat it too.
But it is very wrong. If they are going to cheat and lie to their spouse they should get a divorce or they should keep their single life so they can sleep around.
But the mindset can be if they are married, they get to come home to a cooked meal, laundry done and a clean house while they have the mistress on the side. The best of both worlds in the man's eyes.
And he can bring STD home to his wife. How comforting.
None of it is right but mankind has cheated since the beginning of time and I don't see it stopping.
Cheating leads to a trail of tears and a broken home.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 December 2012):
I completely agree. There are a few things I see here over and over again that for the life of me just cannot understand.
1 - The ambivalence many show towards infidelity, esp when its from someone of the same sex. (Conversely, most of the most venomous posts I have read here have been woman writing to a cheating man.)
2 - The prevalence of children out of wedlock. I understand "mistakes" happen, but they should be by far the exception. I cannot for a second understand how you can commit to a child before you know you can commit to a spouse. IMO, its a terribly shortsighted and selfish act that is not fair to the child.
3 - Re 2 above, the incidence of having children w/o the first idea on how to pay for their care. IMO, again, another terribly shortsighted and selfish act that is not fair to the child or those you are forcing to pay for that care.
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