A
male
age
51-59,
*ontoon
writes:I am 47 and was married happily for 16 years, and not-so-happily for the last 2 as I found myself dragged down a path of divorce I didn’t want to be on. My wife instigated the proceedings; the reasons no longer matter - suffice to say I had never cheated. I mention this because it shows how long I have been out of the dating game.Through the separation horror I went through intensive therapy and dealt with all my childhood issues and baggage. I emerged stronger and more confident than I have ever been. I started dating, and met someone right away - a beautiful woman who was 44 and happens to be a flight attendant.Fast forward to now: we are still together after 14 months. We get along fabulously, and she challenges me to grow in ways that are difficult but necessary (learning a foreign language). She is great, but there are things that bother me. Some aspects of sex are one, I won't go into them. She is very cheap or stingy. Sometimes this really annoys me, but I don’t want to paint her in a bad light, it is rather a reflection of her lifestyle and the fact she doesn’t make that much money.So here is the crunch. She is very, very independent. This also comes from her job, which she has done more than 20 years. She has never married, has no kids, and has absolutely no desire to live with someone. Currently, this is not a problem as I will soon have sole custody of my teenaged daughter who will be living with me, and I do not want to have a “foreign” woman struggling with my daughter, while she adjusts to her new reality.I know in my heart that I absolutely want to live with a woman eventually, perhaps after the daughter has left home. My real concern is that I know I cannot expect or force other people to change. So my dilemma is that my girlfriend has already indicated she has no interest to live together, even though this is ultimately what I seek in a partner.I love my girlfriend, but this issue is important enough to me that I would leave her if we do not eventually live together. She recently told me I am her dream man, and she talks about us in a future tense (like “in 20 years, we will …”). These are promising indications. But not an indication we will live together. She won’t commit on that.I don’t want to find myself in 5 years with the same commitment issues. I cannot expect others to change for me. But people do grow and change. So should I just not care about this issue right now, and see how it might evolve in the next few years? Or should I save us both a few years of our lives and start to look for someone who may be more inclined to share my views on cohabitating?
View related questions:
cheap, divorce, money, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 As long as you and the current GF are on the same page and she knows that the time may come when the daughter leaves the house and you will want a live in companion.
It will be up to her to decide if she's willing to risk you leaving in a few years due to this.
A
male
reader, Pontoon +, writes (29 December 2012):
Pontoon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I did not consider that if I had someone else they may not be willing to wait until my daughter left the house. So it seems I may be best to do nothing now and wait until I am closer to the time frame where this would become an issue and then assess how things are at that time.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
IF you know that you WANT to live with someone EVENTUALLY and she knows that she will NEVER want to live with someone, then it's not fair to either of you to stay together hoping the other will change.
The other issue however is that you are not going to be ready for xx number of years (till daughter moves out you allege) and that finding someone NOW that will be willing to wait, may be an issue.
IF you like the way things are now with the current lady you could stay knowing you will be leaving her when you are ready for cohabiting and she is not...
...............................
|
