A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I met a guy and we are going on a date. If he asked me back to his house after the date should I go? Is this ok on a first date? I have no intention of sleeping with him this quickly, so there will not be any sex, but if he offers to continue the evening with a chat etc is this ok?Help please!!!!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 If you aren't open to the possibility of anything happening then DON'T step foot in the door!!
I feel like I'm almost betraying the brotherhood here but this is the bottom line...
Birdynumnums is right, we'll find any old excuse to get a girl to come into the house... ANY... and its all bull-crap.
This is not just the behavior of players, any type of guy will do this, the only difference is a player will try to speed up the process, be pushier and most likely.. much smoother.
As a guy, once a girl is in your house- absolutely everything is stacked in your favor. It's a home ground advantage, endless chances to impress a girl and act like a courteous and innocent host. But once any physical contact is made or a couch or bed is sat on, that's when you know that he probably would like nothing more than to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.
It starts off as an innocent lean, touching knees seemingly accidentally, once light stroking starts, its only a hop skip and a jump to making out... and we all know how quickly that can lead to more.
As a girl, don't think that once you enter his abode that sex is inevitable and you won't be able to control yourself. But its so much harder to resist or object to little increases of affection than it is one risky increase.
Example: A guy who tries to go for a full on make out session straight after entering the door has much more chance of getting rejected than say a guy who spends the next 3-4 hours slowly working you up, making you feel comfortable, building the sexual tension etc.
Just assume that you won't be able to control yourself... its a good rule of thumb for girls to have, especially when they DON'T want something more to happen.
Good-luck :)
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Or...
"Would you like to come up and see my etchings?"... 1950's...
"Would you like to listen to my record collection?" ... 1960's...
"Want to come and listen to my 8 Track collection in my VW Van..." 1970's...
"Check out my video collection?" ... 1980's
"Want to play video games?" ... 1990's
"I have Xbox and PlayStation back at my place..." ... 2000's
The words may change; but they remain the same; Everything old is new again. C'est le meme.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): This is not your first date ever is it? Or the first guy you've ever dated? If not then you know how easy it is to get carried away in the heat of the moment on impulse because at the time it feels just soooo right, times like those we can let our lust get the better of us and at that moment we all our concerns and stuff go out the window.
It's a date though romance is implied, sexual activity is a part of romance. It's normal and natural. You're not going to go back to his place as a friend for a chat, you're going back as his date, a potential lover that means the door is open for him to try it on. If that's not what you want then why complicate matters? In a café etc he can't and you know you can sit down and have a chat with no risk of him trying it on. That's all.
Let me ask you this, it's a different situation but a similar confusion to yours. I have girl friend who is waiting until she is married until she has sex. But on the first date she ends up giving in to guys pressure and usually in the heat of the moment lets them get into bed with her. Now she won't have sex with them nor will she do anything sexual. What she wants is to held and have a kiss and a cuddle. Now 9 out of 10 times these guys try it on. Most of the time they are persistent too. Most will back down after a while but some are quite forceful on the issue and she's had to literally fight them off.
Now you may be thinking "of course they're trying it on she's gone to bed with them" and you would be right to think that because taking a person you've just been on a date with to bed is asking for trouble. You know that sex or at least some sexual activity is implied because that's usually how it works when you take someone to bed.
Well the same kind of thing applies here usually when you go back to persons place that you are dating it is so you can become intimate with them, it shows that they want to be alone with you and want to do stuff and no matter what you say otherwise the act of going to their place, to some guys, will tell them a different story. Not always of course of but it creates that opportunity. An opportunity that isn't there in other places, it opens the door to them because you went back to theirs alone with them. Now frankly I'm a little bit worried for my friend, she's very young and naive, even the close calls haven't stopped her doing this and she knows how dangerous it can be but she gets lost in the moment and just really wants to feel close to these guys because she really likes them. It's not about dignity or behaving yourself it's a date, anything can happen if you go home with a guy.
Haven't you ever heard the expression "do you want to come in for coffee?" after a date. Have you ever seen what that leads to in movies, what's implied by that? It's one thing movies have correct.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 December 2010):
Yes, I may have my own opinions (I believe you were asking for other peoples opinions when you wrote in here), but two of my friends were date raped, and the last time my daughter went over to a 'new friends' house (ALL his friends, nobody that SHE knew), the first thing one of his friends did was yell "nice tits" at her across the room. Needless to say, she left, quickly.
The point of being in a neutral space is so that YOU are in control of the situation. I got to know my husband over tables at restaurants, walks, drives, hiking, baseball games, etc. and we certainly were able to get to know each other by going out! Do things in groups for a while, with your mutual friends, your OWN house parties, you can be in a room very close by your friends for a little snogging without the pressure of having to go all the way, like the kitchen! lol!
It's surprising how quickly things can go when you are by yourself, and I've seen some guys lose interest pretty quickly when something is easily won. There's this initial honeymoon period with sex, and if he doesn't get to know you before that, the only bond IS the sex; and that can lead to boredom once the honeymoon period is over.
You've probably seen it in your friends - Girl sleep with guy too soon, guy stays for a while, then guy leaves once the initial spark is gone and only calls around for a booty call - and the girl gives in desperately trying to keep his interest. He lost interest because you need that bond, the relationship, to come first - then the sex; no matter how hot he is. I'm just repeating the patterns that I have been witness to over the years. Guys appreciate having to win over the object of their desire; it seems to make them appreciate you more.
You are more than old enough to decide when you should be able to be alone with him; but a first date or even a third isn't really time enough to really get to know him; or for him to form a trusting relationship with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (4 December 2010):
Pick up the book WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES. You will get a better understanding then. I use to be very naive also, still kind of am. But that book helped me. Do not get turned off by the title.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I am just too innocent in these things.
I really like the guy, but will not sleep with him on a first date. or until I know him better. He knows this, as I have already told him I am not into casual relationships or casual sex. He has NOT asked me over to his place yet, I was merely considering the options in case he did.
I just thought as grown ups people were able to behave themselves and act with a bit of dignity when on a date. From all the comments here, I think I was very wrong, with people having to stay out in public in order to stop themselves having sex?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): You want to have sex then yes go back to his on the 1st date as thats the signal you will be sending,just as i did an yes i had sex with this guy
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): "So if you go back to a guys house, you have sex? that is the bottom line?
Two people cannot be in the same private space without having sex in a "date" context? "
That's not what we're saying we're saying you don't need to put yourself in that position so soon. You can if you like. He might not do anything at all. There are no guarantees but you can see from the amount of posts you have gotten and the general consensus is that it happens in the majority of cases.
How well can you get to now each other in cafe or restaurant? Pretty well the only thing missing will be the ability to get very physically affectionate. Sometimes the atmosphere in a good cafe is much better for talking than being alone in someones place.
Plus he can't ask if you'd like to see his bedroom in a cafe ;-)
Do what feels right, there are no rules. If you want to go back to his place then why not? It really is down to when you feel comfortable enough and conditions satisfy all your logical safeguards. But seriously why not leave something there to look forward to? Why not have a few fun dates before you go and be alone together. why not wait until you're ready to get intimate with him and then go somewhere to be alone with him. How would you feel if you went there on the first date and ended up getting lost in the moment and went to far sexually, or how would you feel if he brought you back there made a move on you and you stopped him, that would be a bit awkward.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, maybe I am just naive. So if you go back to a guys house, you have sex? that is the bottom line?
Two people cannot be in the same private space without having sex in a "date" context?
So when is appropriate to go to his place? A week, a month?
I am seriously confused about this.
He has not asked me to go back to his place, I was merely asking if it would be suitable on a first date as I did not want to seem like a slut. I really like this guy, and if the offer of an evening chatting and being in private came up, I would like that. How well can you really get to know someone when you are in a cafe or a restaurant?
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 December 2010):
Sex happens at every CONCEIVABLE hour that you can think of. Like he said; he's 'asking' if it's okay to get you alone and trying to see what he can get away with. Why put yourself in this position if you have no intention of having sex with him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Look OP if you really don't want to have sex with him then why would go somewhere alone with him? Especially back to his place. You can do any number of things with him during the day, if you want to to chat then go for coffee and yes you did say "continue the evening" so while it may be a day time date you're talking about it going on into the evening already.
You don't know him that well on a personal level at all, this is your first official date.
If you want to go back with him then by all means do. But if you do then that is a signal of intent, that's an open door for him to make a move. That's what I or pretty much any other guy would do.
If you're considering getting intimate then yes by all means go back, that's the idea of going somewhere to be alone. If you're talking about being intimate with him but not going as far as sex, just doing other stuff then there's nothing to say it won't lead to that.
You're basically talking about not wanting something but putting yourself in the position where it could very easily happen.
I hear this kind of thing all the time from my girl friends. A few of them are girls that detest the idea of having sex so early, yet time and again it happens because it feels right at the moment. It's weird because they usually feel really bad about it afterwards, feel used and can't even look the guy in the face again. But they do it none the less, all because they put themselves in the position where the passion and their immediate need overrides their better judgement. Of course it's just as likely that you could go back and only have a chat. He could be nice like that too but why put yourself in that position if you already know you don't want it?
The thing is while you may "know" him a month you really don't "know" him at all. Rules of safety still apply. Look no nice guy will mind if you don't go back with him on the first date or the second etc. Most of us are perfectly willing to chase and earn that right.
Now it's not guaranteed he'll make a move if you but I would and I know a lot of guys that would. I also know girls that were unfortunate to run into guys who didn't take no for an answer in those circumstances. So I'd always advise being cautious, enjoy your date and then take your leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 December 2010):
 You can have him hassling you for sex anytime of the day. As Birdy said, it's simply not appropriate for you to go to his place on a first date, whether you have known him for awhile or not. It is also very impolite on his part to even suggest it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, let me clarify a few things. It is a day time date... not the evening. We are going for lunch.
Also I have known him for about a month, but this is the first official "date" we have been on together. The other times we have met have been part of a larger group.
Its not like I have never met him before.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 December 2010):
Nooooooo!
Do not go back to his house on the first date. If you have just met; then it isn't the most logical thing to do; it's not appropriate, it's not necessary and it's possibly not safe. Date rape happens when women don't follow their own instincts and their common sense. It's NOT logical to go into a man's house late at night when you Do Not Know Him Well Yet.
You should probably date for at least two months before you even consider going to his house at night; because you know he will want to sleep with you if you go over there. You should wait at least two months before sex; that gives you both enough time to figure out if you have formed a bond or not. In the very least and Hopefully, You have gotten to know the content of his character by then! Should the worst happen and your birth control fails; at least you would know by then that he would be a man you would be happy raising a child with and marrying.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): If you want him to come onto you and maybe even try and have sex with you, then yes you should go back to his place.
If you don't want the hassle of him trying something on then get him to walk you to a taxi or walk you home or something.
If he asks you back to his place afterwards, it's not for a chat. You can chat anywhere, taking you home is to get intimate with you.
If you don't want to sleep with him this early then don't go back to his place. It's very easy to get caught up in the moment of a great night and just let yourself go and boom you wake up next to him.
Besides it would be a better idea to get to know the guy first before you go somewhere alone with him, you have no idea what he might be like, or what he might do.
Again intentions are well and good but when the moment comes you don't know how you will react if he makes a move. It's very easy to say you will or won't do something while not caught up in the passion of a moment. If your first date involves alcohol, which it shouldn't to any great amount. Then intentions will all go out the window.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): you should keep reserved on a first date,you should learn to refuse him politely.
...............................
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (3 December 2010):
ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! WORK YOUR WAY UP TO THAT. JUST THANK HIM AND GO HOME. BE NICE AND GRATEFUL FOR THE DATE BUT DO NOT GO BACK TO HIS PLACE. SAY ANOTHER TIME. DO NOT MENTION SEX. JUST SAY YOU HAVE AN EARLY DAY OR SOMETHIN.
...............................
|
