A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. First time here. Could use your advice.I am friendly with a married man. Our sons go to karate together. We talk a lot when we see each other twice a week. He always finds me to talk and seems to enjoy my company. I enjoy his company as well.Would it be okay for me to ask him out for coffee?What do you all think of this?????Thank you for your two cents... : )
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): There is intent here...and it aint just having coffee. You have to ask yourself what you are seeking here. If you are mildly attracted or think about him in that way, you should not go. I like the idea of inviting his wife too, although it might be better to just leave the whole thing alone. It really does sound like you are attracted.
That's not to say you should avoid married men like the plague. Not all marriages are good, and it may well be that he will not stay in his. Aftre all, we all seek happiness. But under no circumstances should you encourage or facilitate the breakup of a marriage, or entertain any courting or "going out" until he is single...if it even goes that way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): The appropriate avenue is to ask out a single man for coffee. This way you retain your self respect and dignity, and you give the married man's wife the respect that you would expect from her if the situation was in reverse.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Oh, I see the follow up... So your not interested in coffee and friendship. Nope, don't think that's a good idea. Having sex with someone who you know is already sleeping with his wife. It'll probably embarrass your son as well if anyone ever finds out Your supposed to be taking an interest in your sons activities, not trying to find a married man to take home as a lover.mmmm... far better to find a single man. Much less trouble, much less embarrassing. If you're single and not already with a partner, you might even find your son a father who can love him (and you) and adore him the way you both deserve.If he's hitting on you and flirting, then definitely stay away, he's got no respect for you and he won't be a good friend in the end. Married men who cheat are liars who will make you cry. Few women have good experiences from dating married men. Staying away from him, you will find, is the smartest move you ever made.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): You should just leave him alone if you want to fool around or date learn how to find your own man and not one thats taken. Karma.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (25 April 2011):
I think some of the aunts have missed the o.p.'s answer half way down the list of questions. (I assume o.p. is the original person/question asker.) she says that she finds him very attractive and that he has been giving her signs that he would like to pursue her. This sounds like more than coffee to me.
To me, it sounds like you know that this is extremely dangerous territory. I would say it is better for you not to ask him out for coffee considering the flirtation seems to be already there. Why ask for trouble? I think you should stick to talking at karate. It might end up a terrible mess, hurtful all around and you, too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2011):
 The person to be asking is his wife....I assume you mean during Karate time.... not a separate date.... yep if you want to ask him to have coffee with you during Karate time I would contact his wife and ask if she minds...oh and if you are partnered you need to clear it with your partner too.IF either of these ideas make you uncomfortable then NO you should not ask him to have coffee....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2011):
 I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. I'm sure this married man would not like it if his wife were to have coffee with another man.If you're married or involved with someone (you mentioned having a son), would you want him going out to coffee with a woman and having the same feelings you do for this guy?You would end up getting really hurt if you enter into an affair with him, even an emotional one.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 April 2011):
"Ask out", why, what for? He has coffee at home if he's thirsty and a wife if he needs a friend. If you want to buy him coffee, fine, do that when you meet up normally.It's strange that you are asking. I got male friends who are married, and male friends that are in relationships. There's nothing wrong with being friends with a married man, but usually coffee doesn't happen. If you go somewhere together it's usually totally unplanned, unforeseen and innocent. Eg. He gets stuck with concert tickets and invites you along. After that, it's usually polite to try to get to know his wife....or in your case, since you got children, you should already of shown interest in including his wife as your children are probably friends.You have a hidden agenda I think, this is nothing to do with friendship or children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): It's the OP. What would you like me to clarify?If I have feelings for him?I find him very attractive.And he has been giving me all the signals that he wants me to pursue him...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 April 2011):
 I'm asking the OP, just to clarify.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): I think you should leave it well enough alone. I can't imagine your intentions being in the right place if you are trying to push the friendship into something more private and exclusive between the two of you. It's how it would appear to others anyway and to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Simple answer to this question.....NO IT IS NOT!!
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A
female
reader, Roxsanna +, writes (25 April 2011):
yes of course it is, aslong as theres no hidden agenda in why you are asking him out and its just friends then yeah its fine, the only time its not is when you start sneaking around because his wife will get suspicious,,,, so just be open and honest about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Yes, agreeing with Aunty BimBim. If you consider him to be a lovely person, then chances are, his wife is equally as lovely. Since you enjoy his company so much, why not get to know his wife as well? Chances are you will now have 2 people in your life that you can enjoy their company. The more the merrier, as they say!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Awwww, come on guys!! What is wrong with going out for a coffee??? It's pretty harmless. Just two people talking, enjoying each other's company. Can't you just leave it there? Everybody is assuming an affair will happen!!! Men and women can be friends, you know. Even the married ones.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 April 2011):
Great answer Aunty BimBim! Are you married?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): The way you worded it no, it's not okay to "ask him out" as he's married. It also depends on why you want to ask him.
OP developing a close personal relationship with a married man is not really a good idea, especially if you're even mildly attracted to him or think about him a lot.
If you want to develop a friendship then develop one with him and his wife as a couple and not just him on his own.
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A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 What for? you're talking to him twice a week already... Maybe you can tell him to come along if you are doing something. But planning to have a coffee together can be seen as suspicious or if not then possibly humiliating for him.
But to answer the initial question, yes it is OK to ask a married man out for coffee, as long as you take it all into consideration.. the fact that he is married and all.
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A
male
reader, CSHopeless +, writes (25 April 2011):
I think it may be ok (considering the kids in karate, and it's nice to have someone to talk to during practice).
That being said, the only time I would ask him to coffee is ONLY during practice time, so that there is a time frame that doesnt allow any lingering chat and keeps the meeting kind of brief (because you have to be back for your kids).
Be wary of the man they call temptation, if feelings begin to increase towards this man, look at his left hand, remember that he's married, and be honest with yourself and with him.
Also, it may not hurt to include his wife when asking a
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 April 2011):
 I agree with Aunty BimBim. Ask out him AND his wife. Asking him out alone looks very suspicious, and I don't think his wife would be too thrilled if he went alone. Don't invite trouble.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Hows about you ask him and HIS wife out for coffee
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