A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If the guy you are seeing, keeps texting an ex while he is spending time with you,would you be okay with it. Is it disrespectful to the girl? Would you turn a blind eye to it? Will you date a guy who is bff with his ex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): Hey Cindy cares,
Thanks for the reply. I haven't been in contact. I am just trying to get over the hurt I felt. I will be fine. Life goes on. I don't date much at all. He pursued me really badly. It's a lesson well learnt.
God bless everyone who answered.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2016):
 What did I tell you ? he is an ape.
Ah so he does not owe you anything because you are dating ?
No, he owes you- he owes you at the very least the normal courtesy which he would extend to a neighbour or a coworker or anybody , really, he were spending the evening out with. And also these people would call him out on his rude behaviour, although not for the same reasons as you.
I get the feeling that this guy is no prize even when he is not obsessed with his ex. Which you have to thank mentally :) , because she was the catalyst for him to show you his true, unappealing colours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): Hi Honey Pie and Cindy Cares,
Thanks so much for the kind words and chin up. This is the second guy I have ever dated. So I am not very familiar with the rules of dating and I probably got attached.
He told me that we were dating. I am not his girl. He is not my man. He owes me nothing. He doesn't owe me any explanations. He also called me emotionally unstable and delusional because I asked him to tell the next girl how involved he was with his ex and that he had a bond with her before pursuing the girl as if the hell hounds were after him.
He is right. He doesn't owe me anything. I will stay well away from him. Yes it hurts but tomorrow is a new day.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 July 2016):
I second Honeypie- don't worry about it.
He is blatantly in bad faith. He knew he was wrong- but
" the best defense is attack".
Otherwise, if he is sincerely oblivious to how wrong he was, then he is just an ape and you are well rid of him.
Like, WTF ?? Going on a date with a woman , and texting back and forth with another woman ?...
Look, I am a middle aged woman, and I can be a bit old fashioned about rules and manners...not terribly flexible... but I am 100% sure that not even my 14 y.o. niece would find this kind of behavior acceptable !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2016):
 OP,
Don't worry about him calling you insecure and controlling, because in the end? WHO CARES?! You at least shouldn't because he is no one to you any more, and thankfully someone you are not going to keep in your life.
I think he called you "insecure and controlling" because it's SO much easier for him to attack you, than look at his own behavior and realize that MAYBE... it's not really socially acceptable to be texting (anyone, let alone an ex) when you are out on a date.
So please OP, don't take his word-vomit serious.
Chin up, there are plenty of guys out there and PLENTY who are a much better match for you. This one was a dud... better luck next time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): I am the OP here. I should have taken Honey pie's advice and shouldn't even have bothered to discuss it with him.I was called insecure and controlling over his texting with his ex.I am so glad we dated only for a brief time.Anon you had a really lucky escape. I think I escaped too. He is going to end up with a lot of really bad girls who would be OK with this kind of behaviour because they would be texting someone else on the side too. Karma is a bitch. It always catches up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): I am a bit older than you and that texting really gets on my nerves, though I am trying to convince myself that it's a new generation thing and I better get used to it. I went on a date with a guy, who keep t on texting with his son. First he showed me a picture of his 20 something son like I cared, I just met the guy. Then he texted with him every 10 minutes. After one hour he went to the bathroom, and on a way back sat on a bench In a hallway, and keep t texting his son. I was watching him from the table, then got up and left. He called me only 15 minutes later when he probably just finished texting and asked me if I am crazy. I did not even pick up the phone, only heard his message. Then he texted me next day and appologized for ignoring me, and said he would never do that to me agin if gave him another chance. So, me being naive , I gave him another chance. His phone was making beeping sound all night, and he was very distracted during dinner, had absent eyes, was going to the bathroom and not coming back for a good 10 minutes each time, I am sure he was sitting there and kept on texting. See, that's crazy for me. This is a very insane behavior, and jealousy or something else is not even discuss able here, because it's not that relevant. I finished dinner, went home and never saw the guy again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): Hi honeypie, Cindy cares and Anon, Thanks for the answers. I appreciate the time taken. As I always say nice girls finish last. It's fine.Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2016):
Dear OP,
Is this the same guy who invited you to the same 4th of July fireworks as he was taking the ex to?
Make no mistake, the ex is not just "She is just a jealous female with good instincts". HE was allowing her to be "on" the date with you two, because HE wanted too. It's not her being all smart and sneaky with the constant texting, that would have been EASILY avoided, by him turn his phone off, put it on airplane mode or just telling her, I'll talk to you later right now I'm busy. He did none of those. Someone who allows his DATE to be the 3rd wheel.... is just not a Keeper.
GOOD for you for cutting him off. Don't waste you time on a guy who is THAT invested in an "ex"... if she even IS an ex, but really who cares? YOU can do better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): Been there and done that. It always ends badly.
It's absolutely disrespectful. If he liked you enough, he would text his ex and tell her not to bother him again because he is on a date with you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 July 2016):
I see that you have already got very good answers, and taken a very wise decision.
I just want to add that, as for me, forget the whole " best friend with his ex " saga- I would not be OK with such behaviour even if the man were texting the Pope, or the Dalai Lama !
It's just absolutely, contemptiously rude. If you are out with someone - focus on that someone. Whether it is a romantic date or a friendly outing, may I add. You do not accept or offer to spend your time with people ... just nominally, because in fact you are spending it with OTHER people at a distance.
You can keep your phone on- possibly on silent- and check quickly who's been calling you in case it may be an emergency- but engaging in back and forth texting with other people ?? Then go out with those other people if you miss them so much.
The " my ex is my best friend " then adds another ambiguous, bothersome dimension to the story- but , even without it, it would be bad enough and intolerable enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): Thanks everyone for the answers. I appreciate the wisdom and insight. I am learning a lot about dating and myself. I am not originally from here. I will try to answer all of your questions as much as I can. She is not an ex wife. She is an ex girl friend. They were together for two years. He broke up with her in February and he calls her his best friend. They do NOT have any kids together.My son and his daughter were along with us. I doubt there was anything urgent that he had to discuss with her. The date was for a long time until the fireworks ended. He texted her even after we came back home. His phone was constantly buzzing. I guess wiseowl guessed it right. He told me she wants him back. She is just a jealous female with good instincts who succeeded in driving me away but he should have drawn boundaries and kept his past out of his present. He is probably not over her yet or maybe he is just not that into me. He could have been honest with her and said he was pursuing me. He didn't. It doesn't matter how long or short a time he has known me. If he was pursuing me,he should have told her. It doesn't matter anymore. I am not sticking around to be disrespected further. I ended it today. I take it as a great lesson. It's not a hypothetical situation.Thanks again to everyone who pitched in. I am not a jealous female in any way. So I was wondering if what I was feeling was valid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): You left out too many details. Why is he still in-touch with his ex? Ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? Is he having baby-mama drama? Did he only recently breakup with his ex?
Is he behind on child support?
Excuse me ladies, even if he has kids; if they live with his ex-wife/girlfriend, constant calls are suspicious.
Emergencies don't constantly crop-up every-time he's on a date with you!
I'd say something is wrong.
If they happen frequently during a date, I'd say there's a wedge being formed by a jealous female. Why can't he shut his phone off during a date? How many hours does a date last anyway? If he's going to be stay the night, have a code for emergencies only, not to ever be abused. That is, if he has kids.
The lack of details leaves everyone speculating, my dear. If you knew he had kids when you started dating, you have to allow for interruptions and reasonable access at inconvenient times.
I suspect he tells his ex every move he makes. She knows when he's on a date, and the excessive calls are deliberate interruptions. Having nothing to do with anything but unresolved issues after divorce or a breakup. She's not happy with the fact he's dating someone.
Exes call if they have unresolved issues, they're fooling around with your boo on the side, he's not paying child-support or alimony; or he's trying to get back with his ex.
Ask him which it is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): My answers to your Q's:
No, yes, no, no
BFFs with the ex? I'd be out of there in a New York minute
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 July 2016):
 As already mentioned, unless there are kids, or some other sort of emergency, but if it is just texting, tell him "I can see you are rather busy" pick up your purse and use your feet, walk out of there, its disrespectful and why would you accept it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 July 2016):
 No, yes, no, no.
Why would woman dating said man stick around for more odd disrespect?
Unless he and ex had a child whose needs required constant contact. In which case I'd wonder why said man would be trying to date?
There's not really enough information provided here to give a specific answer
Are you struggling with this situation? Or is this more of a hypothetical thing?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (6 July 2016):
 YES I'd turn a blind eye to it... I'd make out like Ray Charles and wouldn't see this ignoramus again.
CAA
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 July 2016):
 It honestly really depends on the circumstance. If they are truly just friends or if they are texting about things that are genuinely important, like if they share kids together, etc, then I'd say let it slide, as it is justified. However, I don't get the impression that that's the case here.
If he's just rudely texting her just to talk or flirt or what have you, while the two of you are out on a date, than that's incredibly rude and disrespectful to you.
There's nothing you can necessarily do about it, except to stop going out with him. Have you let him know how it makes you feel?
You can't make him stop, as you can't control someone else's actions. You can, however, control yours. Stop going out with him.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (5 July 2016):
Absolutely and utterly disrespectful and wrong. The only reason this is ok is, as everyone else says, they have a child and the ex as the mother needs to speak urgently about the child to illness or whatever. Otherwise this is totally unacceptable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2016):
I would wish him well and move on.
***** UNLESS they have kids together and one of the kids are ill or it was a REAL emergency about one of the kids.****
I find people who are busy texting instead of interacting with the people around them quite rude. I'm not saying you can't have an emergency, or have a family member sick and thus you have the phone nearby for that... But really... NO ONE is so important or "busy" that they can't put down the phone while out to dinner or on a date.
I have noticed some people seems oblivious to others because they are so caught up in texting unimportant crap so they appear busy and to have a great social life. We went to my BIL's house for the 4th to do a potluck dinner, bond-fire before going out on the lake to watch fireworks. One of my nieces disappeared within 5 minutes leaving her 3 kids ( 18 months, 7 and 8) to be looked after by the rest of us so SHE could sit in the house posting on Facebook pretending SHE was so busy "hosting" (wtf?) a 4th July party and being "mom of the year"...... Didn't bother making sure her kids had sunscreen on, or got food and drinks... nah... too busy with her "fake fantasy life" on Facebook.
I wouldn't even bother telling him that you found it rude, I'd just wish him luck and move on.
If he is so entwined with his ex that they are now BFF's and texting each other constantly... then he isn't over her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): The fact you say your boyfriend is BFF's with his ex girlfriend is your answer. Anyone who is BFF's with an ex might as well still be in a relationship with them! In fact, it looks like they still are!Why don't you step aside and wish them well. Tell them you hope they are happy together.Seriously? Too much is too much. If he is on a date with you, then absolutely it is disrespectful. Unless they have children and she needed to consult him right away in an emergency or something very important regarding one of the children. There are a few situational exceptions. But if he is just shooting the sh*t with her and chatting/flirting away by text while he is supposed to be spending quality time with you, then don't you think his actions tell you he is not totally into you? He seems totally into her!You need to have a talk with him about boundaries and what your expectations are.If this is a one off and he changes his behaviour, okay, then you might be able to overlook it. For now. But keep your eyes peeled in case he starts up this nonsense with her again.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 In my eyes I would find it quite rude, you are there on a date with him and he is texting his ex girlfriend? When did they break up? Was it recent? Do they have children? For me I would find it strange that they where still friends, I mean who is ever really only friends with an ex? Am not sure I would be happy with it.
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