A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have written here previously as I am trying to collect myself after a series of events and a breakup that happened And wanted to know if, 1. This is normal and will it go away? 2. Any tips of developing a self esteem right as I hit 30 years old.A little background i was in a verbally abusive relationship during college with my first bf ever- I dated this man for 5 years - he was my first- I went above and beyond for him and he was so verbally abusive that after 5 years I just left. When I left I made a new group of friends with my new freedom(my ex wouldn't let me go out) I lost weight got a new job and started partying a lot - I never stayed home I went out four times a week and like these high maintance girls everything became - chasing men and mlney and competing. After three years of going in a circle I felt empty - most recently I had my high school reuinion and I met one of my old classmates - long story short this man asked me to his gf right away and I jumped into the opportunity - forgeting that this man was selfish - didn't pu attention and long story short dumped me via text after I did everything for him also. I tend to give and go above and beyond and I can't stopI am turning 30 in a few weeks I find myself at ground 0 . The girls I hung around or my friends are in the same place I left them ( still chasing me and money)I've already lost the weight and gotten a new job and enhanced my looks and men compliment me but im not happy- im empty and ever since my ex of six months left me for his selfish reasons I've lost hope in love and a new begining.1. How can I recover - I've tried therapy and medication and my therapist says I have to be comfortable being alone.2. I joined myself without a purpose- how can I find one?3. Should I go back to my friends old way? I feel like a loser sitting home everyday and just working - I want to jump in a new relationship or somethjng to fill this void
View related questions:
a break, money, my ex, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2016): Hi there, I am not so sure if I can help you but I can offer you support and tell you I understand how you are most likely feeling.I can relate to what you have gone through. I recently got dumped by an ex I was with for 6 years, after putting an immense amount of effort, being there for him through thick and thin, putting up with his bully mom and his bullying ways, his hate for women, in hopes he would change I stuck around to be tormented, one day he says it is not working, out of nowhere, I felt like someone dropped me out of a high story building and I was smacked on the pavement, with nobody around to help me, everyone continuing to live their lives, and just me left there having to painfully pick myself up. I feel completely empty inside too and like a complete idiot for being with an emotionally abusive person and am hoping one day this agonizing pain will be relieved, until then I am waiting it out. I think time is a main factor. I think it is important to use this time effectively, if you can I think it would help to write everything out, write what you learnt from this 5 year relationship, what parts you liked and did not like and then set yourself certain standards for the next person, so you don't fall in the same trap, and once they show something you find disrespectful, demeaning, degrading whatever it is, communicate it, if they don't change it you walk away. Maybe if you want to delve deeper, you could also seek some therapy and see what it is inside you that has caused you to have relationships like this in your life.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): To the wise one the last response I thank you so so much thank you for your response and the person below that
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): I frequently advise people to learn to appreciate their downtime between relationships. This time is used for self-awareness, self-improvement, and general enlightenment.
Seeking your own happiness, without placing that burden on the backs of people you've chosen for romantic reasons.
Finding happiness is a self-fulfilling responsibility. It's not to be left-up to other people. Not your parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, or a husband. It's all yours once you're an adult. You find it on your own first, to share with someone who has done the same. That's how good bonds are formed between people. They exchange good stuff between them. You will go from one person to the next, searching for someone to fulfill what you should be doing for yourself. It's a tool for survival, develop it.
We have to go on living; even when there is no one else to prop us up, my dear. You could find the love of your life, and they could die or leave you. Then what? It happened to me. I've lost both my parents, and three sisters. My partner of 28 years died. Got dumped, by someone else I thought I loved. Yet, I have survived and found happiness. Not from having someone, from finding worship to satisfy a spiritual need, making good friends, and turning all the bad things I have experienced into lessons. I help others to deal with grief, loss, disappointment, and insecurity. Knowing this is what life puts us through to strengthen us, improve us, develop a sense of empathy, and to teach us how to help others. To prepare a new generation.
It creates power through wisdom and experience. Like a storm, it will all pass. It comes again and again, but you learn resilience. It's called life. Survival.
Too often, women seek relationships for refuge. Turning to men for protection and support. They become needy and dependent. To the degree of smothering a relationship literally to death. Even if they are successful, make more money, have a great education, and a good career. Doing too much for a guy, is usually a sign of desperation. Subconsciously knowing you have a loser on your hands, and thinking you can change him through loving him to death. That doesn't work, and it ends in nothing more than bitterness and frustration. That frustration can be played out in scornful behavior or vindictiveness. Thus killing new relations from carryover baggage, or insecurity.
If you learn to be more independent as your therapist has wisely advised; you will feel your own strength. You'll learn that you don't have to lean on other people to feel whole. You can subsist and survive on your own reserved energy. Being relationship-addicted is just plain dependency. Doing too much for men is only a desperate attempt to buy their affections; and manipulate them through their gratitude. Sweetie, don't do that anymore.
Losing hope is just an adult-form of a childish sense of entitlement. Setting high expectations, and demanding the fulfillment of all your desires at once. Having no wisdom that all things of value are difficult to find, maintain, and protect. All good things take time. If I don't get what I want when I want it, I'll throw tantrums, hate the world, and declare life is nothing but sh*t; and blame it all on some spiritual entity that doesn't care. It's okay to feel this way, but what about those who have it worse; but still manage to find happiness and do something for others? Seeing life outside their own problems and disappointments. Those who realize life and youth are precious gifts. You can squander it all on self-pity and bitterness. Then hating aging. A natural process. You're just turning 30, but not being in your 20's forever means you're closer to death. Of course, if that's how you want to look at it.
I'm on a journey, should I be asked.
Stop and count your blessings. Sit down after reading my post, and that of the other aunts and uncles; and make a list of some of the most wonderful things you ever witnessed, received, or have given. Look in your closets, your refrigerator, around the room you're sitting in. Look at your hands, feet, your eyes, and realize how blessed you are, even without having a man in your life. There is no void, you're ungrateful for your life and youth. You take it all so for granted. It's slowly killing your health; because you dwell on your hopelessness and self-pity, my dear lady.
Loneliness eats at us, and there's an ugly little voice that inflates how unhappy we think we are. It blows everything out of proportion, to the degree we become
mean and hateful. Who's fault is that? Tell me.
Love is a need, we all must have it. We have to love ourselves and be grateful for life. If you don't, you'll feel the way you feel and look for magic pills or drugs to change how you feel. It's all there within you. Let your therapist read this and tell me later what is wrong that I've said.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 1. I think your therapist is right, before jumping in to a relationship you need to be happy and content being single and enjoy your own company. You go above and beyond to please the man in your life, so now it is your turn to spoil and look after yourself. It is hard trying to get over someone and getting used to being single, and it does take time, but you will get there eventually, you need to look at yourself and tell yourself that you deserve much better than these men.
2. It is easy to lose site of what is important in life, and many don't have a purpose other than just living to survive. Think about it hard, what do you like to do? Are you happy with work? Would you like to go travelling? Try new hobbies? You should have no fear off anything, the thing is you can do whatever it is you like doing, be brave and bold and try new things, it will give life a whole different perspective.
3. No don't take three steps backwards, just take baby steps forward. Are you happy at work? Is there anything else you would like to do? If so then change it up. Now is the time to do it. Also just because you are single does not mean you have to sit at home on the evenings bored and feeling sorry for yourself. Be thankful you are alive, make the most of life, put your name to new classes, or new hobbies. Make new friends and a new life for yourself, then look for a man when you are happy being alone and content.
...............................
|
