A
female
age
36-40,
*reenflower
writes:I recently started dating a guy. This is my first relationship. He was my first kiss, etc etc. We haven't had sex yet but we've been slowly moving forward.A few days ago, we were messing around, to the point where i took off my shirt. I was fine with it at the time.The next day. I felt dirty. Like I had done something wrong. Like this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. Is this a normal feeling? Will this feeling go away? and if so, when? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I don't really agree with the people who are saying you should tell yourself that what you did was fine and good and not dirty. I'm not saying that what you did IS dirty either, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that I think YOU need to decide what's right for you, because it's your own values and your own life.
Maybe you rushed things with this guy, or maybe you just feel dirty because you're not ready for something like that. When I first started fooling around I felt surprisingly fine with it until the guy dumped me quickly, because then I felt used and naive and I realized I wasn't ready for what happened. That was a good experience though because it helped me to define what I was comfortable with.
A good idea might be to ask yourself within what context do you think it's okay to do sexual stuff. For example, "It's okay for me to take my shirt off if ________ (we've dated for 2 weeks, or I love him, or we've dated 6 months, or I really like him, etc.)." or "It's okay for him to finger me if ________." etc.
It's always a good idea just to set in your own mind what you're comfortable with. For example, I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual with someone unless we're dating and I love him or at least feel like I'm falling in love with him. And I would only have sex with a guy who I love and am going to stay with (and by stay with I mean STAY WITH, like, marry ha). Those limits might be different for other people. Like my best friend is comfortable with having sex with her boyfriend of 3 months and isn't even sure she loves him yet. So that's a lot different from me, but it's what she's comfortable with.
You just need to sit down and figure out what exactly is making you feel uncomfortable or dirty, and think about what you can do to change it. Maybe you feel dirty because you were told as a child that it's wrong to be naked around someone if you're not married, so feeling ashamed is just a natural reaction (just an example). If you think about it and YOU agree and still feel it's wrong, maybe you should tell your guy that you can't do that anymore. If you DON'T feel it's wrong, then just keep doing what makes you feel good. It's all about what you feel is right for you morally. Maybe what you did IS wrong for you personally. But maybe not. If you're convicted that there's nothing wrong with what you did, then go with that feeling.
But if you do feel like you need to slow it down, keep in mind that if your boyfriend cares about you he'll be respectful of that and won't try to push you to do things you aren't comfortable with. If he likes you he'll be more concerned with making sure you're happy and comfortable than with fooling around.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2009):
It really depends on how you feel. You should be asking yourself 'why' you feel dirty. Did you rush things? Was it the way you were brought up etc. Maybe get to know the guy a bit more before you do anything else. And forgive yourself too, you havne't done anything wrong.
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A
male
reader, EN_Ken  +, writes (30 September 2009):
In my opinion, it is not.I have known some women to become anxious or somewhat insecure after sexually experimenting or having sex but feeling dirty or as though you've done something wrong is not as common amongst most women, unless drugs or alcohol were involved.The exception that I have encountered are those women who have been abused or assaulted, often in a sexual manner, at some point in their lives. These women commonly report feeling dirty or as though they have done something fundamentally wrong after any kind of sexual interaction.If you have been abused, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get professional counselling.-Ken Phillips
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (30 September 2009):
 This "dirty" feeling is a feeling which only you yourself can will to go away. You need to tell yourself that what you are doing is ok. It is not dirty. And that sex should be enjoyed and relished. And you must believe it. In this day and age, if you are in the 22-25 age group and you are just now getting your first kiss, then probably you were raised in a very traditional, conservative household in which you were educated with conservative ideas about sex. Am I wrong? You were probably made to feel that sex is somehow "dirty", and that good girls wait. It's fine to wait. But what is not fine is to never be reassured, in the context of a restrictive sexual education, that sex and intimacy, once you DO reach that point in your life, IS OK, IS GOOD, IS NOT DIRTY, AND SHOULD FEEL GOOD AND BE ENJOYED. So this is the service that you yourself alone must do for yourself now, because nobody had the good sense and good will to do it for you in your adolescence. You must allow yourself to enjoy sex, give yourself permission to be "a bad girl" (which you're not!) and stop feeling "dirty" about it. Remember the only time sex makes you a "bad girl" or an "immoral person" is if you are in a committed relationship, and cheat. Or if you are in a sexual relationship with a married man cheating on his wife. Situations to that effect.
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