A
female
age
41-50,
*hinana
writes:I am a single and very intelligent 29 year old woman and I am happy with my marital status. I like being independent and free I also like my quiet time. I am the adventurous type of woman though, I like to travel, I would like to go parachuting, rock-climbing and learn how to fly a plane. I am also very ambitious, I am working towards starting my own non-profit organization. I like talking politics and sports. Of late though, there has been a lot of pressure on me to find a man and settle down and start a family. Honestly speaking this idea does not even appeal to me. In my country when you get married you kiss your dreams and ambitions goodbye. There is this stereotype that single women are unhappy and bitter but on the contrary, it’s not like that for me, I do not hate men at all I just don’t fancy spending my life with one and giving up on my dreams, I really don’t see what marriage can offer me that I do not have already. I look around at my friends who are married and they all seem so miserable. Some of them have become fat and their lives look so dull and monotonous something that freaks me out and their lives revolve around their kids and husbands. They have dead end jobs and have long given up on their dreams. Many of them have cheating husbands and my friends pretend that they don’t know this. (one of them even packs condoms into her husband’s wallet when he is going on his business trips some have contracted HIV/AIDS from their husbands but they will never admit it). I love kids and someday in my late 30s I would like to have one but raise him/her as a single mother. I have had a fair share of boyfriends all of them nice guys but somehow when the relationship was getting serious I would bail out because I knew sooner or later they would ask me to marry them. Now is it normal to be my age and feel this way? To not even have an interest in getting married?
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female
reader, chinana +, writes (14 January 2011):
chinana is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your reassurance that i am normal afterall. I guess i justed needed to hear other peoples opinions because i am drowned by the same mentality that exists around me and people who think my wanting to remain single is a ludacris idea. As for wanting to have kids later I suppose it can be difficult being a single mother, but if it can done then I suppose it would be doable...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Please don't change, you are completely normal. It is your life to live, so do what makes you happy. You are on this planet to be happy not to make everybody else happy by doing what they expect you to do and live the way they expect you to live. Not everybody wants to get married and have babies. I know I don't.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Some people just don't see marriage in their future, in no way does this mean something is wrong with you. Society in general still holds on to the idea that single unmarried people (women in particular) are that way because they can't find a husband, but have you ever noticed how often the people that say this are the ones unsatisfied with their own marriage and their own lives? I think most people have an ideal in their mind about married life that includes children and endless bliss, then get married to achieve it and end up miserable because reality doesn't live up to their expectations. These people get married for the wrong reasons.
My point is don't let anyone tell you it's not normal, you have every right to decide what you do with your life, especially what's included in it. If marriage doesn't interest you, it simply doesn't. No reason to force yourself into something because everyone else does it. Too many people see it as a way to validate themselves rather than a genuine gesture of love.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I liked reading your question. It's reassuring that there are others out there who think critically about marriage before blindly rushing into it just because it's what everyone else is doing. I too have friends who seem miserable and stressed from married life. It can seem like a dull and depressing existence, full of obligations and no freedom.
Also can't help feeling it is a bit like "selling out". People start off having all these big dreams, whether it's travelling the world or joining a band or creating great art or whatever. But when they get married before achieving those things, it's like a statement that they've given up. They feel the only way they'll contribute now is by marrying and having kids. Married people seem to hold a special, elite status in society and receive all kinds of benefits and respect. But considering how some 90% of all people get married at some point, marriage doesn't make you special. It makes you conventional. It's one of the most average things a person can do. And it can take a lot less courage and bravery than living on your own.
Yet if you are happy being single, society refuses to believe it. They may think you are irresponsible, carefree, immature, lazy and childish, but certainly not happy or fulfilled. You may want to read the book "Singled Out" which is all about how society puts marriage up on a pedestal and looks down on singles.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you turning down marriage. If it's not for you, then getting married would be disastrous. What I take issue with is your plan to become a "single mother" later on. Despite the flaws of marriage, I admit that it is still the ideal environment for raising kids. A mother and father permanently committed to each other give children security and provide a model for what a family is supposed to be, and how men and women are supposed to relate. Parenthood is a two-person job, and even then, according to my friends, it is extremely difficult.
I'm not putting down single parents or anything. But I'd guess that most of them were forced into that situation -- that is to say their spouses died or they couldn't find anyone to marry. But you don't have that problem. So perhaps you don't realize how fortunate you are. Lots of women would love to be in your position, having guys ready to commit to them. Not wanting to be tied to a husband while rock climbing is one thing. But not wanting a husband around to father your child is very different. Just as married life is ill-suited to a life of freedom and adventure, singlehood is ill-suited for raising a family.
When you become a parent, your life is no longer yours. You may feel that doing it by yourself with no commitment involved is the best thing for you. But ask whether it is also the best thing for your baby.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Some folks are just not "wired" to be joined in marriage 'til death do you part etc.etc....I wouldn't give it too much thought. It's not all it's cracked up to be...like the joker says, "They just want you to get married too 'cause misery loves company." Rock on cuz! The world needs more indepenant thinkers like you
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 January 2011):
 There is nothing wrong with your outlook at all. Enjoy life to the full, because you can. It is your choice.
And I hope you reach all your business, professional and personal goals. However it is a fallacy that all career girls cannot also have marriage and children and a great life and be ambitious too. Though to make it work you do need a partner or husband who shares your outlook, and for both of you to be similarly supportive and caring to each other.
Whatever you do it is likely that you'll need home help, but there's no shame in that.
I even know (but I'm too busy to hang out with these) girls I went to school with, who don't/never have worked and have generous husbands AND who still get the house cleaned etc because they're too busy with their social activities/fund raising for causes/doing lunch.
Whereas I think your business plan sounds very viable.
Maybe talk to your Doctor and investigate saving some of your eggs though, as although female fertility can remain high for a long time, it is true and sad to say that, for many, said female fertility drops away sharply after age 35.
Best Wishes with everything
.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 hi
your peers may not find your views about not wanting marriage normal, but i say its your life and the most important thing is that you're happy and have peace of mind. the only concern i would have is that you say in the future you do want children (and a husband?) but life does not always go to plan, like we cannot 'schedule a husband and kids into the life plan' when we get our required age. but life nothing in life has a guarantee anyway unfortunately. you maybe just haven't met the right one yet who is so special that he makes you want to drop all your wanderlust plans. that could happen any time! you seem like a very sensible lady who knows what she wants so i am sure that you will do the right thing when the time comes
xx
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