A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all! I had posted previously about me leaving an abusive relationship. He was very manipulative and plain awful to me. My ex couldnt make me orgasm,so we got a toy to try and help myself, and when he caught me using it he would flip on me, make a scene, storm out of the house and berate me over it. It was so awful that I stopped masturbating.I've been with someone new for a while, we both go to the same law school and we are taking it slow. I am really into him, and my family loves him too.We touched on the topic of masturbation and he asked how long had I not done "it" , I told him I hadnt for a while and since he knows about my abusive ex I told him the reason.He hugged me and said he understood.Also, another reason I stopped was because I dont even feel the need to because he satisfies me so much. It was my birthday recently and he threw me a great party with all my friends, and brought my family, and gave me tons of gifts. When we were alone he gave me an "extra" gift. It was a $200 gift card to an adult store.He says that he wants me to be happy and be able to rediscover myself and my sexuality without fearing being judged, that if I liked toys I should get as many as I want when I feel ready.So I got really turned on by the idea since he will be leaving for a business trip with his firm to NY so I will miss him. My question is - If I do this, is it normal for all guys to get insecure from toys?My guy is amazing I dont want him to feel bad, he is not insecure at all,but I dont want him to think I prefer a toy. How can I use toys in a way that he wont feel bad?I really do not want them to ruin a relationship, so I dont want to be insensitive either. How to achieve that balance??We hinted at maybe having phone sex during his trip..so I thought of surprising him with me getting the toys.Also, do you think this can also be healthy for a relationship?Any suggestions?
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insecure, orgasm, phone sex, sex toy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, massage +, writes (29 November 2013):
 P.S : the insecurity doesn't have a relation with the size of the toy...it's having something pleasuring you more than your man.A man feels it's his duty to make himself/you happy that you will never look elsewhere...
A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I think leave the sex toy out of the equasion for now i mean if was a form of sexual satisfaction survival in your last relationship you dont need it now !! Let the two of you bond first without interferance !! You should let your bodys bond and figure out what you need from one another ! Its exciting stuff !!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi!! Thank you so much for your answers..Now I understand about the huge crazy dildo dilema, or even if it is bigger than hi, I can see how that would make a man insecure! I think my ex was so insecure because he is only about 5"-6" and the vibrator was 6.5-7" nothing big of course, but still bigger than him,when we got the vibe I did not factor that in. I think I could not cum because he was a selfish lover (another trait of his abusiveness) and because I was scared of him.You guys raise good questions: - I wouldn't mind my guy masturbating. I think if it is moderate then that is fine, I wouldn't mind us doing it together. If it was exaggerated then I would be concerned.- He is not an avid porn viewer, but I don't think I would take it personally. I think if our intimacy is more important than the toys/porn to him then I'd be okay with it.I will definitely look into girth and sizes, my guy is between 8" - 9" so I REALLY do not want anything bigger than that.I like the video idea, but as @massage said those videos can fall into wrong hands... I was thinking of buying some lingerie with the gift card and maybe send him a faceless pic or use it with him.I will do the phone sex though :) I have an accent that he loves, so I think he will like the surprise.Should I keep the vibrators out of the bedroom completely?(while we are together) how do you feel about couples playing with toys while having sex? Can it create toy dependency?Thank you for your answers!!!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 November 2013):
I've always had a funny relationship with vibrators. On one hand, I like seeing the pleasure that they can give a woman. On the other hand when I hear the sounds women make it does make me slightly insecure as there are some things that a regular penis just can't compete with.
This guy sounds like he'll be fine with it, but don't get anything that's much bigger than normal.
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A
male
reader, massage +, writes (23 November 2013):
No Shna, she shouldn't for a video. NEVER TAKE NUDE PICT OR VIDEOS AND SEND THEM TO YOU BF (at least not one that include ur face). A HUGE NO. we are IMMATURE when we break-up. Don't do it. Let her stick to phone sex.
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A
female
reader, shna +, writes (23 November 2013):
This guy seems great seriously !!When i was in my previous relationship my boyfriend was ALWAYS going on about get a vibrator so when i went on a trip to london i bought one ! The minute i bought it he freaked out and we were fight for four days straight till i came back !! And then when we broke up he kept it and locked it in his safe! Looking back its so sad how intimidated he was by a plastic toy ! I told my new partner i had one bu had not used it ( i did get a new one :) ) and he does feel slightly uncomfortable with it but im in the same position as you i feel i dont need it anyway he means so much more to me then a toy and the sex is far from dull anyway !!why dont u try buying some sexy outfit and mabye like a couples beginer set ! Something you could use together !Better yet seeing as he is on this business trip and the mention of phone sex has already been made Why dont you go the extra mile You could send him a video of you and what ever you buy testing it I know he said he bought u the voucher for younto be satisfied but im sure he wouldnt mind a demonstration :)
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (23 November 2013):
I don't see anything wrong in using toys, I've been trying to convince my gf to buy and use them every now and then, you know to spice things up. However us, man have egos and are fragile. To be honest I would become hurt and very insecure I I find out my gf have fun with one of those monster dildos. I mean nothing too extreme its fine, its a turn on but very big things cause exactly the opposite reaction. My advice is use them, your boyfriend sounds like an honest and understanding guy about your needs. So take his word and spice up things a little bit. Just be cautious of not to choose something extreme and everything will be fine.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 Wow OP, this guy is amazing!! Good for you, you are lucky to have him!
OP secure and sensible guys will not get threatened by anything, least of all a sex toy! You don't have to feel bad about anything because he's the one who suggested that you have some fun and enjoy yourself in your me-time. Just remember though, that toys will just be toys and nothing can match up to the real thing!! Enjoy them in his absence and when you do get into a sexual relationship with him when the time is right, you hopefully wont need the toys anymore.
OP anything that is mutually agreed upon and comfortable for both partners, makes for a healthy relationship. Don't worry about ruining your relationship, enjoy what you have and cherish this keeper!!
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, massage +, writes (23 November 2013):
If you are in a relationship it's better not to masturbate alone. You can always get a toy and use it when he is there as a way to heat things up or He could use it on you. personally I feel weird about women using sex toys for hygienic reasons. Your ex may have felt insecure for not giving you the only thing the man is suppose to give you.i feel bad he felt that way... Also if your current bf is allowing you to use toys are you okay with him masturbating? Would you take it personal if he was masturbating to toys?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2013):
 I think guys who NEED to have the upper hand in the relationship has a problem with toys.
Like if he can't give you an orgasm it's YOUR fault and thus you shouldn't have any toys.
It's insecure and petty dudes.
A guy who LOVES you for you would want you to HAVE fun and explore. It's a MUCH safer bet then telling you "sucks to be you"... Though... I DO think a LOT of guys have problem with the HUGE CRAZY dildos (Not that I blame them lol).
But there are so many things that can be added to sex without "competing" with his penis, to be blunt.
Seems like you got a keeper.
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