A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my guy masturbates every time I am not home to porn is this normal? Even if we have sex on a regular? It always makes me angry when I find out , should I be worried ? I have talked to him about it but he says its normal but it hurts my feelings should I feel this way? He says he won't do it anymore but I have my ways of finding out now. He doesn't know I know that he still does it . Makes me not want to have sex with him cause he does it to porn! Help me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Also I am open to all things about sex. New position no prob! its the porn that makes me mad! Sex now I am down ! why not wait two hours till I get home? "Its not about you" he says your crazy in your head he says. It is about me ! cause I don't think about it every time I am alone!
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Most men just don't understand how it affects women. And the thing is, they probably never will. And you probably will never fully understand why he thinks it is so normal to him. Men and women are very different this way. They are visual, they need that stimulant most of the time to help get the job done. And as mrvhappy stated, it's not always done because they are horny. He may be bored or overly stressed.
I am NOT saying you have to accept his behavior. Either learn to accept it, walk away, or admit that you have checked his history and try to talk to him. If you go with the third choice, be prepared for him to be angry. He has every right since you checked his history, but he did lie to you and that's wrong too.
I've been in a similar situation not too long ago. It was hard to deal with, but I love my man way too much to walk away because of it. Also, I don't want to put out every day, that would be way too much work for me. I look at porn as the solution for that now. Sore vagina or porn?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): What your guy is doing is no great harm and probably a lot more common than you might think. It is however a selfish act and maybe he should be paying more attention to your love life. Try to find ways to spice it up a bit in the bedroom as things can get a little boring after a while. It is more of a concern that he lies to you.
It is unlikely that he will change his ways so you have several choices:
Accept that what he is doing is no harm and lighten up.
Alternatively, find another guy but be prepared for a repeat of the same.
If neither of the above choices appeals to you and you really want to take control of the situation, buy a male chastity device and lock him up, with you holding the key and deciding when he will get out. With this approach he will definitely pay a lot of attention to you. Other undesirable behaviour like telling lies and not helping around the house may also be corrected in this way. Once you discover how much power you hold, it is for you to decide how far you want to have your own way. You can sit him down and have a ‘talk’ with him any time (something that men hate) as long as you hold the key to that lock.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 ps
and sorry for all my typos! hope you managed to understand anyhow!
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Its only normal if you accept its normal. Don't listen to people that turning his whacking off on you. First when I looked at your post I thought you have a bigger problem his masturbation. I thought you have a trust problem. We all know that a lack of trust is rooted in infidelity. Not saying he's cheating, but I bet if he could find a willing participant he would. So yeah you should worry.
As you can see here, it you that has the insecurity. Its always excuses (most men) when it comes to your state of mind his excessive masturbation is over the line. You have already started closing off to him. This is defiantly a relationship killer. My computer is down for a couple of day otherwise I would post the link to recover whackolics.
How can he or any other person jerking off and call it an aid? Kind of like I slept with the neighbor she was an aid. Get real you and I as well as many other see what it really is (infidelity). You guy is jacking off to another woman wishing he was fucking instead of what he has now. He even tossing it back at you (your crazy).
You can make a defense for or against masturbation, but this is all about how its makes you feel and noone else's. If you can't accept him jerking off to any female that he see's then you have to make a choice. Talking to someone that's calls you crazy isn't going to change anything regardless of your feelings. How can you talk with anyone that turns the conversation on you. Nothing wrong with you its the stroker that has the problem. Did you always snoop before him? I think not, he force it on you by lying.
Make your choice to continue with a guy that fucks himself or go find a man that cares.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 October 2010):
I think Mr V Happy has described it best - it is his Me Time. Don't tell me you have never ever done anything sexual on your own, as I will find it hard to believe. Perhaps you never have, but do you feel that if you were on your own, and your boyfriend was out, and you felt like doing something like that, you would say to yourself 'No, I am not allowed to touch myself, because he isn't here.' ?? That wd be a bit strange, wouldn't it? Wouldn't you just do what you felt like doing (to relax, because you were bored, for whatever reason) and think nothing of it, because that is your relationship with your body? And would it mean you liked, loved, fancied or respected your boyfriend less? I don't think so.
That he does it to porn is totally neither here nor there. If he didn't have porn, he would be creating his own porn in his head. We all do. You don't just lie there with a blank mind, do you? You think of something. Well, porn is just the easier way of visualising, because someone else has visualised it for you, and made it real. Porn is quick, easy fantasy. Nothing else.
I know that because it is something more obvious and real that someone's fantasy in their head, it is easier to get upset about - but my goodness, how would we all feel if we knew what our partners have fantasised about? Much better not to know. And anyhow, it is their business.
You can be completed assured that this doesn't have any bearing on how he loves and finds you attractive. So, you need to deal with yourself, keep reminding yourself that it is just a visual fantasy, and that it is his body, and think about what you would allow yourself to do when on your own. It means nothing, so you need to get over it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 So, it's that this makes you feel insecure. Ok, we're getting to the root of the problem. That's a great start.
Is it that he's masturbating to the images of other women that's making you feel unsexy? Is it that he's pleasuring himself instead of seeking you out? Is it both?
I ask all these questions in hopes to discover the real "why" behind your feelings. This will help you when you talk to him about this. If you can help him understand why you're upset, he should be less dismissive of your feelings on the matter. He will hopefully realize that he can't keep dismissing your feelings. If you tell him why, and he still dismisses you, then he's an insensitive jerk who would probably be best left to his porn.
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (27 October 2010):
You may not like this answer....
It depends on the society that you live in. There is no such thing as..." is masturbating @ home normal.."
Guys dont just masturbate to porn but often do it when they are alone./sometimes when they are bored or to relax...it doesnt depend on thier relationship/sex life with thier partners. Just think of it as a bit of "me time". Women have "me time" in the bath when they relax etc...so why cant guys?
Unless it dramitically effects yr lovelife I wouldnt let it bother you, just think of it as one of those idosycrocises that some guys have.
I hope that this helps?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): The fact is it makes me feel unsexy . Why can't he just wait till i get home. Everyone says its normal but every time I am away? He thinks I am crazy for getting mad but I can't help how I feel!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 October 2010):
 dirtball is 100% right. Is it normal? Not necessarily. Is it common? It seems to be that way more and more. For the most part it comes down to what dirtball said as to why he is doing it. Tool or obsession. From a guy's standpoint I can tell you that porn can strictly be used as a tool and not influence how they feel about their partner as dirtball said. However, there are men out there that are addicted and would rather watch porn than have sex with his partner.
Has your sex life suffered because of it? Does he seem to want you to look more like porn stars or even act like them? Or, is the only way you know is by checking up on him? (meaning, it doesn't effect your relationship otherwise)
Yes, a man watching porn could be bad. However, sometimes the only reason a girl has a problem with her man watching porn is because it makes them self conscious about themselves.
I think the more important issue is the lack of honesty. I suggest discussing it with him. For one, he shouldn't be telling you he won't do it then do it behind your back. On the other hand, if it is truly harmless for him and hasn't effected your relationship.... why not consider a "don't ask don't tell" sort of thing? Tell him if he wants to do it, fine, but you don't want to EVER see any signs that he is doing it and your relationship better not suffer. Compromise. Either that, or try watching it together.
Just a suggestion.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
Well, normal and right are two different things. Unfortunately it is becoming more normal. This topic comes up a lot here to be honest. Lots of guys do this. Just because lots of guys do that though, doesn't make it right. In the back of your head you can hear your mom, "If all your friends were jumping off a cliff, would you do that too?!?" Your feelings are normal too. Many women are hurt by this. Just go look at the "pornography" tab and you'll see lots of women in the exact same boat.
When in a relationship, you have the right to set ground rules about what you will and will not tolerate out of a partner. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you'll need to put your foot down.
My questions to you are; what exactly about this situation bothers you the most? Is it that he's masturbating? Is it that he's using porn? Is it that he's trying to hide it? Is it some combination?
Porn for many men is simply a tool for masturbation. It doesn't influence how they feel about their partner. For some it becomes an obsession and and addiction. Does he not satisfy you when you want him to and turn to porn instead?
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