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female
,
anonymous
writes: Is it normal for girls to go out by themselves to bars? My fiance travels a lot (some for business and most for fun). Whenever he travels he goes to bars by himself.... in fact, that's how he met me when he had a girlfriend. We never cheated though. Anyway, I just moved in with him which is clear across the country and I have no friends here. I get lonely when he travels and I go to bars by myself, but it is never any fun because no one ever talks to me and I just say no to whoever asks me to dance. I know that girls get hit on at bars and guys don't most of the time, but shouldn't I be having fun too while he is gone? He says that it's okay for me to play the female's part in a relationship once in a while and stay at home and clean while he goes out. I just don't think this is fair. What do you think?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 August 2007):
 First, the line about the female role sound like it was taken out of context and I'd like to hear the rest of that conversation,
The reason you're not having fun is because you went out in a resentful frame of mind. You're not going out to have fun, you're going out to get even. You're trying to get even with what "you think" your husband is experiencing.
Eventually, men will try to meet you. Are they looking for a pick up...probably. Can they change their tune after they find out you're married. Sure they can although you know what their original hopes were. That's where you have to keep alert and have integrity. If you're out in a group, it's safer. You could dance and have fun because it keeps things a little less personal. It's not like you're off in some dark corner with a stranger.
The double standard about men and women can't be denied. It's because we're different. Men are hunters and women are prey. Some people see it this way, guys are out hunting. If a woman is in a bar, it's because she wants to be hunted. In other words, the antelope doesn't go for a walk in the lion's den. It's not fair but an accurate explanation of the double standard.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I agree with 'somewhat.' Maybe you could try different places to meet friends. What about your neighbors? You could start with them. Does your bf have any friends that might have girlfriends that he could introduce you to? That's always a good option and an easy way to make a friend.
I don't see anything wrong with you going to the bar alone (as long as you are careful). But it doesn't seem like you really dig it all that much.
Does it bother you that your bf goes to bars alone while you stay home? Cause if it does you could tell him that it bothers you. But if it only bothers you because you don't have friends and so don't have many options then like I said, try to talk with your neighbors or make mutual friends with your bf's friends (just to start off) and soon enough you too will have a life while he is away.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 August 2007):
 I have a 21 year old daughter and the advice that I give her is this - travel in groups. It may be old-fashioned and parochial, but I answered a recent question about date-rape drugs and there are monsters out there in disguise. I think that from the age of 14-30 and beyond, women can attract way too much attention alone at a bar, the wrong kind of attention. As long as you remain in control, say, 2 drinks, and montinor everything that is going on around you, I believe that it's entirely up to you what you do. But - I think that the safe, softer option is like somewhat anonymous said. Couldn't you join a art league, book club, yoga class, or newcomers league, etc? You did say that you weren't having any fun at the bar anyway, why not add a little excercise and education instead of sitting in a dim, depressing bar all by yourself? It would certainly give you the opportunity to meet some like- minded people - choose some night course that interest you and you could meet some new friends! In the long run, it is probably safer. It is a sad statement about our modern, western world that women still have to live differently than men, and I wish that would have changed by now. Unfortunately, you, I and all women still have to keep our wits about us at all times. As far as your fiance goes - My husband travels constantly on business. It's one thing for him to have a drink with his colleages in a bar after dinner, but if I found out that is was a dance club or a pick-up bar (not that that's not possible in any bar, but you know the kind I mean), I would have a few things to say to my husband. If he expected me to stay home and do the female thing; then I would expect him to give pick-up bars and dance clubs a pass when he was not with me. What's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander. Be good and stay safe!
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (20 August 2007):
Go out and have fun. You'll never meet any friends sitting around by yourself at home. You're out and rejecting the guys that ask you out, so you're doing the right thing there. But it sounds like all you tried is going to a bar and that you're just bored. You could start making friends with the bartenders or something, but why limit things to a bar?What about work, are you working now? Could you make friend that way? Could you do volunteer and make friends there? Church?
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