A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Everytime I go out with my boyfriend (he is Europeon and I am american) he keeps oopgling other women and has an extreme wandering eye. I have never had this problem before with previous boyfriends. His previous girlfriends have all been Europeon. I would think if this bothered them he would stop. I have tried to tell him how it makes me feel and he says it is all in my head. Is this normal ro am I over reacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, leanne _a  +, writes (5 October 2008):
 hello all ! i am married to the most nicest person you could ever meet a true gentelman ( and you dont get many) when we first meet we had a few bad moments were i felt so small and i will never be to live that down because am just that type of person due to an ex. when you have been with such a bad partner and then meet someone who lets you down (and i dont mean cheating he would have no bits left) you always think the worst about everything esp in my case My husband has proved how much i mean to him and has shown me how to be loved but i can never feel 100% because i am that scared to be hurt the way i see it is if you want someone that much and you love someone that much you love them and every body eles is just a passing face, i still have my moments were i feel that he would stray and hand on my heart i do not know why ! he is so nice to me and so caring and we are expecting or first child together i am soo happy but past expirence is what gets you and always will but all you people out there who do get a little bit down about things please just HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH because you are special and you must be special for your partner to be with you so enjoy it !!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): I happen to be going through this same problem now with my new boyfriend of three months. It is not normal. It is rude and hurtful to say the least. I am ending my relationship because of it. When I tried to talk to him about it he denied it. It is not my imagination and another thing now is how cold and inconsiderate he was about my feelings when I tried to tell him how it made me feel. I don't need a man like this. It doesnt matter what anyone elses opinion is either. If it hurts you and you are unable to speak to him about this imagine what the future with him would be like if anything else comes up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for all your help. I will put my foot down more and not tolerate this behavior.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Oh Hun,
You shouldn't be making excuses for his behavior if his behavior is hurting you. Please read "Dating Red Flags" in the ARTICLES section. It's written by Ask oldersister, and it has a lot of good advice.
He shouldn't be propping up his own ego at the expense of your self-esteem. After all, you ARE writing in here UPSET at his behavior and then the next minute, you are offering up excuses for it. It's like he has you chasing your own tail. YOU DO have the right to be upset about this. It's NOT what a boyfriend should be behaving like and there aren't any excuses for it.
I just read an article that offered an opinion by a 90 year old. She said - "Never complain about your spouse. It only reinforces to others your own poor judgement". Perhaps you are making excuses now because you are in denial that he might not be the best boyfriend and that you might actually have to take off the rose colored glasses and see the flaws in broad daylight. He shouldn't be hurting your feelings and then denying that it's a problem, or worse, that it's all in your head. The one thing that has always been used against us emotional, hormonal, hysterical women is that we are crazy and that it's all in our heads. Horse Feathers. It's the manipulative control technique of a bully who wants his own way.
You sound like a lovely person. You deserve to be treated well, respected and loved for the person that you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): That is particularly stereotypical! You've dated ONE european guy with wandering eyes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): First off, it is NOT all in your head and just the fact that he would say that is a pretty big red flag and a good indicator of the dynamics of you two's relationship. Clearly he has a lot more control over this relationship than you do and you are allowing yourself somewhat to be his doormat cause your allowing his opinion on the matter to dominate even though it goes against your initial instinct which is that you are not crazy and he is in the wrong, period. Right then and there you should have been like "Its not in my head and I don't like it! So stop doing it!" Trust yourself girl! And speak up! You should never trust a man more than you trust yourself. If you don't trust your instinct and instead keep always giving him the benefit of the doubt, this is going to be a lose-lose situation for you, cause he is not only going to keep walking all over you but he is going to get tired of you. Men don't like girls who always agree with them. They like girls who have their own minds and who are not afraid to speak up and who put their foot down. You can't let him get away with that if you don't like it. If you do, he is going to think you will accept anything and he'll get tired of that.
He's putting all the blame on you cause he knows that you'll believe him, and basically saying you are paranoid, when in fact he is the one who is treating you unfairly. A good boyfriend would be caring about how you feel and how he can make you happy and would take into consideration your concern instead of turning around and basically saying your crazy. But not all men are that perfect initially and oftentimes alot of men need to be "trained" to your liking. But to "train" him, you have to be a bit more tough and outspoken so that he will get the hint and not do it again. Every boyfriend I have ever had always does something "wrong" at the beginning but when they see that I don't like it and I'm not going to tolerate it, they change. They won't keep doing things that they know will bother you and may risk losing you. That is why you need to know what you will tolerate, what you like and what you don't like, regardless of what he says. And most guys DO NOT look at girls so obviously, ESPECIALLY not in front of their girlfriends.
So yeah if something bothers you then of course its not normal. A normal and healthy relationship is when someone makes you feel good about yourself and not make you feel threatened or uncomfortable. I guess it could be a cultural thing. But it doesn't mean you have to accept it. I don't think you should end it but I think you should start trusting yourself more and putting your foot down alot more. Don't let him get away with that anymore. And if he doesn't change, walk away. You deserve to be treated good. But I think if you start being tougher, he will change for the better. Trust yourself! And be tough! This is your time, your life, your relationship, so get what you want out of it, otherwise what's the point?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is very self-conscience about his weight. I work out 6 days a week and am in very good shape-which makes him feel bad about his body. H
He admits to me that he is insecure about his weight issue. Maybe he is trying to get girls to look back at him so he feels better about himself-that he is still attractive? I think this sounds stupid but who knows.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help everyone.
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 April 2008):
We have guys like that in America. They're called Jerks.
When a guy tries to tell you that something he has done that hurts your feelings is all in your head, he's very clearly demonstrating to you that your feelings don't matter to him at all. How you let him treat you is totally up to you, but I think that he deserves to be treated the exact same way. Perhaps you should learn how to leer and wolf whistle? Now, why do I have the sudden premonition that this guy will suddenly have a thousand reasons why YOU shouldn't behave like that...
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (3 April 2008):
 My BF is Greek/American and yes, sometimes he looks at other girls too. I think everyone does. You look at other people that pass by, don't you?
I told my BF once that I feel ... ehm .. exactly the way you feel ... like he is maybe missing something with me, I am not pretty enough (even tho he tells me 100times a day how beautiful I am) ... etc .. he told me, that he looks at other people, women especially since he is a guy. He looks at tham, but just to look, he is not trying to find something "superspecial" that I dont have, that maybe they have ... he said, when he looks around, he relises that he is the luckiest guy, cause I am the most beautiful girl around.
BTW .. I am European! And it doesn't matter if you are American,Asian,European or from Galaxy X ... guys will be always guys .. they like to look at women, cause they are beautiful ! And lets face it .. don't u stare sometimes at a pretty girl sitting next to you?
If its just looking and not touching ... than get over it. I know its hard .. I am going through the same thing.. but u know what I do?
If he looks, I look at some guy twice.. maybe smile a lil .. and you should see my BF's face! Right the way he is only looking at me for hours making sure, I am not looking around.
BEAT HIM AT HIS OWN GAME GIRL!
xoxo
Lierin
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 I'm European, and have lived in various places in Europe. The short answer to your question is 'no'. Europeans are no different from Americans in this regard.
In other words, it's your boyfriend.
I suggest you tell him that you find it upsetting again. Tell him that you'll consider breaking up with him if he doesn't stop. If he cares about you he'll stop. If he doesn't, well, then you know he doesn't care, and leaving him will be the right thing to do.
Personally I think people in general like to look at other people. But, when you are with your partner you owe them the courtesy of not looking at members of the opposite sex in ways that could be considered provocative. It's just basic manners and respect.
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female
reader, just b real u all +, writes (3 April 2008):
This is NOT new - The fact that he is European does NOT matter. Most Men have wondering eyes all the time. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I think it in their genetics. Most men are competitive and are impressed by superficial things so they look around to see what's out there.
But, really ask yourself why you have such a problem with it why it is making you feel so badly? Could it be that you have self esteem issues, some past insecurities? If you generaly consider yourself in the highest esteem and are confident in yourself and how you look than you should NOT be worried at all and NOT let his wondering eyes bother you.
But, if it bothers so much that it does or begans to affect your self esteem or that his actions towards you are careless than dump him. Because you deserve a man that is just as sure of himself as you are. A a man who is always looking around as if wishing he had what another person ordered is a man with issues and what ever you think you have is temporary. He may dump you if he thinks he has found something better -- noticed I said if he "thinks" its better - because a man like that will not be satisfied with what he has.
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female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (3 April 2008):
 It depends on the male. They can do, but if they really like a girl they tend not to. They can do if they find you unappealing, but maybe he's just the wrong sort to get involved with if he's eyeing up other people.
Wishing you the best.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is from Romania and is very reserved. He is very introverted and not good with strangers. I don't ever see him taking any of this to the next level because he is a very shy person. This is a deal breaker for me though. I am an attractive girl that any guy would be happy to be in a relationship with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is from Romania and very intoverted. he doesn't have many friends and is not outgoing. It was a struggle for him to pursue me in the first place. I am to the point that this could be a deal breaker in our relationship. I just didn't know if it was a cultural thing with him.
Thanks for all your help
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't understand it because he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. I just feel that there must be something physically he likes in a woman that I don't have. Do men have wandering eyes when they aren't happy with their partners appearance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): No, it is a very suspicious routine. Either he has no respect for your feelings or is somehow telling you to watch out because he is still surveying the competition. This is a control some men use to keep women on their toes. It is very annoying and does not make me feel like being close when I have encountered it.
It alerts me to the the fact that some men are too interested in people sexually and for the way they look. You need to tell him and ask him to stop. It should not be difficult for him.
There is no reason why he should not notice people, whether becasue they are nice looking or have wierd glasses, but in neither case should he stare because it is rude.
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male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (3 April 2008):
 im british and sometimes i cant control my own eyes, they go everywhere.
But really its not a cultural thing, its an individual thing. I think as long as he doesnt have wandering hands, just talk to him about he roaming eye
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female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (3 April 2008):
It doesn't matter where you're from. Not all European males have wandering eyes. You've just found a bad one. It isn't normal, no, but you aren't overreacting. If your boyfriend is oogling other girls then you need to do something about it! You're his girlfriend. He should only have eyes for you. Wishing you the best.xx
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