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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,Wow, where to begin! I'm Married (have been now for 9yrs!)I used to think it was a great marriage and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found my Husband. The thing is that since we had children 7yrs ago all effort to keep this marriage exciting has gone from my husband. I try to discuss this with him and I always make an effort to look my best for him but all I get when I ask what he would like from me is "I don't know".My Husband's Best friend, James, was his best man at our wedding and I can honestly say that although I loved James as a friend, romantic thoughts about him were never an issue, until last year.I found myself flirting more openly with James, even in front of my husband (who thought it was fun).But now these feelings are getting stronger to the point now that I am praying to be alone with James just once so I can kiss him and feel his arms around me.James has responded and I know he would be willing, but how can I start an affair with James when he is my husband's best friend?I feel so confused. I dont know if I am staying with my husband through love or habit. I know that James and I could never have a proper relationship but right now I would go for no strings sex rather than carry on feeling this way. What on earth should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2006): I'm sure you are confused, but what makes most people stand out, is how they deal with these needy feelings and temptations that come their way. I'm not sure where you stand on boundries for yourself but I'm hoping like many of us, you detest lies..sneaking around and you loathe anything cheap and seedy. This is what you are proposing to do with James. You will enjoy the thrills initially but depending on your moral compass, you take a huge emotional risk because 'sex does drive the heart' for most people. This is a lose-lose proposition. A lot of people stand to get painfully hurt. Added to that, you will lose respect for yourself, your self-esteem will eventually wither and after awhile, you will stop trusting yourself. Also, you will have to live with the knowledge that you will be the one who betrayed your partner. You’re the one who will break the foundation of your marriage..the trust.
Dear, the only happiness comes from what you create in yourself. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. A lot of times us women will blame our partner's for the problems. She may say that he is not paying enough attention to her or that he isn't romantic enough. Or in your case, hubby just doesn't seem to care. The truth of the matter though, it's in you, too. Until you can satisfy your own needs, you will stay in your marriage, continually going in and out of fantasies for someone else-anyone. Let me me first start off by saying that when a man deeply loves a woman, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will stand in his way to love her and to express it. Your husband is not doing this. His "I don't know" answers tell me two things: He's feeling depressed and inadequate or he simply doesn't give a hoot. Your husband's reaction to your flirtation with James, also tells me something is up with him. You need to find out. Has he ever had affairs on you? If he won't talk, then seek some advice from a marriage counselor. If you are not happy, it's up to you and hubby to work together, to change that. If this marriage is unhappy for you, at least do the respectful thing for you and your husband. No illicit affairs-just leave the marriage and get a divorce before embarking on newfound happiness.
If you need to go forward in your life, knowing that you did the best you could, knowing that you waited until you couldn’t wait anymore-the so be it. somestimes we have to realize, that loving yourself enough to finally leave is an important spiritual victory.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (13 February 2006):
 No no no no, as everyone here has already said it! You may think its the only way to get out of this problem of yours, but believe you me, things will only get messier if you choose to have an affair with this guy. You sound like you still love your husband dearly, so why not try to make a go of things! You said you've tried, so try again! Im sure he'll be understanding enough to make things work with you if he loves you back. What you're feeling now is LUST and that is a very dangerous feeling actually when you're married. It confuses people to the extend that they think that they;re deeply in love with the other person. it makes you think hes super attractive, because of the fact that hes not attainable, as they say, the grass is greener on the other side!! But once they've actually pursued the affair, they soon realise its the wrong thing to do and by then, its too late to turn back the hands of time. So pls, wisen up and dont let yourself stray this way! It would be such a waste to throw everything away for something you dont know even exist in the first place!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 February 2006):
 Don't do it !! You will ruin many people's lives. Cheating never solves things. Have some honor and deal with your husband. Work on the relationship and see where it goes. Do you want to be known as the cheater? Also, what kind of true friend is James if he is willing to be part of this?
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 February 2006):
 Do you want the Truth? DO NOTHING! If you end up kissing James or anything else...expect that someday he will be banished from your life. Let's say you have an affair...and you get caught. What is hubby gonna think of his best friend...EVEN if he tries to work it out with his cheating wife? James is out of the picture. Or...lets say you and James think you have found true love...James will loose his best friend....he will someday hold it against you...when the fun wears off YOU...He might even blame you for the entire thing, beg for your now EX-hubbys forgiveness.....AND once again Your in the cold.
Nope....if you Must have an affair...don't hunt in your own backyard....ever.
Keep James as a Wonderful Trusted friend that can boost your ego by flirting with you and making you feel like a million when you need that little extra nugget of attention....then smile and wave bye, and keep that whole idea in the Realm of "My private fantasy"
The good news is...in fantasy...James is a stud who never has bad breath, Funky socks, or your husband's shotgun pointed directly at the back of his head while in a less than best-friendish position. Keep it that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): Your husband probably knows that things aren't as exciting as they used to be, so if asking him outright isn't working, a good way to try and re-inject some fun into your love life might be a more "trial and error" approach.
Start trying new things with him, and pursue the things which get a positive response. Depending on how adventurous he is, this could be something as minor as having sex with the lights on (if you normally do with lights off) or surprising him with tickets to Cuba.
All told, though, going after James doesn't bode well - he appears intensely alluring only because things with your husband have grown boring. In fact, the things about James that excite you are probably the same things you once adored about your husband before stagnation set in (they are best friends for a reason, after all). Having an affair with him would be a disaster for all involved, and perhaps sever ties between all three of you if it were found out (and it totally would be, faster than you think).
So if your husband is too stumped to put into words what he wants, see if you can't use your powers of divination to find something you both like.
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