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anonymous
writes: I've been going out with the same girl now for about 6 months...before we were 'official' we were half going out for about the same amount of time before then. She's had 2 sexual partners before me. She's my first real girlfriend and first long term sexual partner.Recently I've been insanely jealous of her previous sexual partners. Even though she dumped both her previous partners because they were "*******'s" I still seeth inside at the thought of her 'like that' with another man. I know that she loves me, and that I am the first person she has truely loved. The same if true for me. Love is not a problem, I have no doubts about her affections. I also have no reason to be suspicious, in all the time we've been together she's been nothing but the perfect loving partner.But I cannot help but think of her having sex with her previous boyfriends, even if she didn't love them. She tells me our sex is better, than I am more important to her than they ever were, but I still hate thinking about it. We've even talked about this and she understands my jealousy entirely, but I can't stop feeling this way.I think the issue stems from her being my first sexual partner (excluding a single one-night-stand) so I have no comparable history. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I am having the same issue. I'm only 16 I have only had 1 real sexual partner who i loved but my Girlfriend is also the same age as me but she has had sex with a lot of men multiple times.It really bugs me when she talks about the men she has had sex with I'm in love with this girl but when she starts talking about her past with all these men it really tears my insides up and i just want to leave her but i have not actually told her how i felt but i have called her out on stuff when she mentions past bfs and what type of sexual act she has done with them .I actually feel better knowing other people have the same problems i thought i was the only one
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): My situation is so similar. before me and my girlfriend of 9 months started dating i had sex 1 time on a one night stand with a hoe because i was tired of the pressure that came with being a virgin. Then once i met my girlfriend i knew this was the girl im supposed to marry. one day the subject came up and she told me that she had 7 sex partners before me. then later on i found out that she had sex with 2 guys in the same night at a party. i dont know if it was a threesome or indivdually. then the same night she told me this i found out that she had a one night stand with my first cousin after her and her ex broke up. this was all of course before she even knew me. so she had no idea we were cousins til we started dating. She also told me that excluding my cousin that she had sex with the other six more than once. she thought that would make me feel better but it didnt. only 2 of the 7 were actual ex boyfriends but those dont bother me. its the ones she claims were meaningless that tear me up. im glad she told me all this but at the same time i wish she dudnt. its just plain jealousy. Its like if she hadnt had done it all or if i had sown a few more wild oats i would feel better. but i cant change the past and i would never want to lose her so i could go catch up so to speak. She is the only girl i want to be with period. aside from this we couldnt be more happy together. were perfect for each other and i have no doubt that thats in her past and shes through with that life. its me thst cant move on not her. it feels a little better to know that theres others out there like me. oh and by the way her 7 men was over a three year time period
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Wow, I empathize with everyone here. I am in the same situation. My girlfriend was my friend before, for about 3-4 months before we started dating. The 1st day we were dating, I told her never to tell me about her past in details, told her never to tell me anything. Let the past stay in the past. Let's focus on us only. But as guilty as she felt about it, she decided to open up completely. Of course, she opened up, i got jealous and curious I probed for more and BAM! Now i just feel like killing myself. I cannot leave her, I cannot be with her, feels like purgatory. I have had sex altogether in my life perhaps 9 times with 4 different partners; she has had well over a hundred times with 2 partners. The sheer numbers are destroying me!! Worst still, she had an abortion just last year...UUURRGGHH!! The 1st relationship was a committed one. The 2nd one was where she was dating this guy for 3 months, did not work out, but just carried on having sex for 2 years just because she liked him alot. Got pregnant, the guy ran away, she dealt with it herself. Then went back to sleep with the guy somemore before deciding that this guy is a complete asshole and did not deserve her. After about 4 months later, she and I started dating. I'm so confused...I don't know what to do, or how to act..THIS IS KILLING ME!
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reader, some dude  +, writes (26 June 2012):
iv got that problem too.. specially when she moves the way she does I can't stand the thought that some next man seen her like that.. i feel jealous.. but, no one talks about the benefits of these feelings. yh right we need to control it, things i find that helps is to look good, dress well, get a good physique, bcoz the feeling is born out of insecurities. my first wife drove me away by driving me insane with her jealousy. i don't wanna be like that. i didn't feel any jealousy towards her and i felt bad about it.. now with my new woman i do, and i'm gonna try to take advantage of it, at least i know i love her, coz that's what happens. men need some healthy jealousy, it keeps them in good shape and let their woman feel loved.. any obsession is not good, so fight those demons any, i tell her to tell me all sort of things when we at it like 'i am yo woman, i belong to u..' i know its not very real bcoz im asking her to do it, but it does help! good luck boyz, and don't be so miserable
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): Dude, it bothers me too. It bothers every single guy. Don't ever feel wrong or weak for feeling this way. My girl has a past obviously and ive never asked her "how many." I know that she did it with at least 5 guys and i dont have the nerve to ask her about the other ones. I dont care what our liberal, PC society says that it's cool for girls to sleep around. It's not cool. I think the reason it bothers us so much is because once a girl has sex with a guy we will never truly "have her." I mean that in the most offensive way possible. We're dudes, we compete, we fight, we provide. We want to have some form of possession over our girl. I don't mean this in a creepy stalker way, i think its completely natural to feel a certain amount of healthy possession over a woman. Cant fight natural order bro. Just keep your head up and remember that youre a dude.
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reader, bigant2984  +, writes (4 November 2011):
i drive my self nuts, in the same situation, but i never got an answer on how many people she slept with, all i know is that i go a week an months as well with it not bothering me , but the something get me crazy and i cant sleep, not to get religious, but this is y got did things for a reason, y he wanted people to get married then have sex, so people wont drive themselves nuts thinking the worst and not enjoying there relation ship, i slept with enough people i can count them on my hands, but i still am not happy, i still drive myself nuts !
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reader, Wow93 +, writes (30 September 2011):
Just like the rest of you guy's I am in the same situation. Although I am only 18 and my Gf is 21 I still have those feelings. I am getting ready to leave for the Army and just have this thoughts that I cannot get out of my head. My current Girl Friend is the first "real" gf. Although me and her have both had previous sexual partners I still cannot seem to get the image out of my head. She has slept with my close friend and also a friend that I see and almost go out with every weekend. The thing is though, I can drop the thought of her with my close friend but cannot drop the image of the kid I go out with one the weekends. I just get these very graphic images in my head and it completely kills my mood. It has interrupted sex, movies, and great nights out. I have spoke to her about it and she always says that they do not matter. She says that all that matters is that me and her are with each other.
I almost feel that I'm helpless and that it will never go away, but the more people I talk to tell me that it shouldn't matter that all that matters is that we are a couple now. I have tried and have seen some progress but sometimes I hit a "low" and it just creeps back into my mind.
So my question is,
What are the best way's to just forget and move on from the past and just get over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): I feel a little guilty in saying this, but it does help to know that the feelings (which I know I shouldn't be having) are felt by others in similar situations. Thanks! My situation is very similar to others here, but with a twist. When told about my gf's 'one night' encounter, which was a few weeks before I met her, she told me it involved 'party', 'drink', and explained "it meant nothing". I did not know who the guy was.Like others writing here, the "it meant nothing" made it so much worse and it bothered me and still does. I have no problems with past serious boyfriends, partly because their circumstances were no 'one night' but mainly I'm sure because I don't meet them (read on...).The bombshell came when after a few weeks I asked for reassurance that the guy was someone who is no longer around and I would not meet. I was eventually told 'it was the guy next door' (her door not mine). I hate seeing the guy (a loner who never appears to leave his house or have visitors) and even hate seeing the same make and model of the car he drives. 10 months on and I've only seen him in situations in which 'ordinary neighbours' would say hi about 3 times and I've done my best to act normal and said 'hi' myself. It seems he is as keen to avoid me as I am him.My gf moving house would solve this overnight, but this is something I can't ask. She wants to forget the incident (it is not a big deal to her) and (understandably) doesn't want to talk about it. I bottle up my feelings and know this is not good for me.Any advice please???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for around 9 months now. We’ve both had previous sexual experiences and she had a boyfriend of 2 years, which I’m fine with.
The first few months of our relationship were brilliant however, I found the more I began to fall in love with her the more I thought about her past. It got to the point where I wanted to know who she had sex with, when and how many. After she told me this I didn’t feel any better or worse about it all.
I wasn’t angry at her for sleeping with them; it just really upset me and made me sick the thought of her having sex with other people. What makes it worse is that I now know what they look like, which makes regret asking her the names.
I can go weeks without it bothering me but then I something will trigger it all of again. The ones that annoy me the most are 2 guys she slept with a few months after splitting with her boyfriend. It was just meaningless sex, one night stands (Which makes it worse, in my eyes)
I know she loves me and I love her very much also so I try not to let it get to me but I find the more I try NOT to think about it the MORE I do…
Although this isn’t a big enough issue for us to break up I feel I won’t ever get use to it and it will always be playing around in the back of my mind.
Looking back I wish that I never asked about her past and just left it there where it belongs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Actually killing the ex lovers would not solve the problem as many have said, it may make you feel better temporarily but it will not undo the deed / deeds.
I feel the same as a lot of the guys here and most of the time its under control but it does raise its ugly head on occasions. There maybe reminders of it in the place where you live etc, with things like different places or facebook photos that appear and then it all comes back.
Stay off f##kin facebook is a good start as this website is a liability to you and your partner so use at your own risk.
As others have already said it is a result of the way our modern society progressed ( or degressed ) and it leave lots of people like us and there are probably thousands of others thinking about it but we are the few that actually write about it. What do you do ? Nothing just deal with it and hope you can educate your children to be better more responsible people.
I have been wit my partner 16 years and she had slept with other people before me and the thought makes me sick at times its even held me back from getting married but I do love her and I couldn’t image it if she ever did leave me. But it seems my values are different from hers insomuch as a woman should save herself for the one in her life. The fact that we now have children together and I am getting way to old to be meeting any new young women virgins well forces me to just deal with it.
Men may not be able to stand not completely owning a woman because she has been with others but isn’t that what the basic fundamentals of marriage is all about, ownership.
I too love her 100% at times and other times hate her for giving herself away to these boys who where just interested in a conquest.
It easy to say get on with it etc but people’s feelings are all very different but I can tell you the feelings and thought do not go away permanently.
Animal instinct is why we are on this earth today ! Look around you we are all a result of sex. We all think our Partners love us and we love them but that was probably in the thoughts of some of the guys they slept with and vice versa at the time they had sex, its all bulls##t. One day you may look at your perfect woman you have now and say oh she wasn’t the one I really loved after all. There are some genuine true loves out there im sure of it, who where really made for each other and kept their virginity as a gift for their lovers. But for the rest of us love it is usually a pile of fantasy crap. It is just a stupid word, a mix of chemicals, impulses in hour brains and hormones. 99.9% of people who get married are living a stupid fantasy and are fools.
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reader, yoyo76  +, writes (24 November 2010):
Hey... Im 34 and my GF is also 34. We only just met about 3 weeks ago and she ditched her bf of 6 months to be with me. We have only been together for a week and we have been very open about our pasts. I have never had a one nighter and she has had a few. I don't know how many really although I want to ask. A part of me wants to know but another part is saying that she is with me know and she is not interested in being with anyone else so it really doesn't matter, heck she ditched her bf for me so I feel pretty special.
I understand what people are saying about the pain inside though, thinking of your gf with another man of course it hurts but everyone has history, these things happen in life. I have had gf's and partners I was in love with so its the same for her as it is for me and we have both been married too. I think its the one nighters that plays on my mind.
I read a response on here that I think is good advise and I think is the best attitude to adopt. That is, accept that she is love with me and go with it. Don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answer and remember that she is thinking about it way less that I am. She in fact is think about me.
Its my insecurities that make me jealous and my need to not be compared to anyone else, especially in the bedroom I know I don't compare her to anyone so why should she be. I think if I spend more time thinking about my loved one and how to keep her happy as Im sure she is with me in time the jealousy will be replaced with fond memories of our past together. The alternative is continue being jealous and feeling inadequate and miss the beautiful person that has chosen to be with ME.
Man it does help to right this stuff down!!
Hope this helps someone... J
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reader, Goalyboy8 +, writes (26 September 2010):
Your story is almost exactly like mine. We have been together 6 months. Although I had never had sex before her. She has had sex with three other guys. Two of which she did not even date. I am actually ok with the one that she was in a relationship for almost 2 years. But she just wanted the other guys to like her. It's thrown me for a complete loop here lately. I know I love her. She loves me. I have mo doubt she's completely faithful to me as am I to her. But sometimes when I get to thinking about this. I wonder if sex is anything special between us. I don't know. It's confusing. But I know how you feel. If you have anyway that you have found out to help me out. Feel free to tell me. I would appreciate it very much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): You know reading posts like these really do make a guy feel better. I've never been in a relationship of any kind until I was 17 (not even a kiss) a year ago and both me and my girlfriend have lost our virginity to each other, but it still bothers me that she even kissed her ex's. Yes, it is incredibly stupid to be jealous of something like that and the best advice I know is that forgive and forget is probably the worst thing to do in my opinion. It happened and I know that my girlfriend loves me more than any of those previous morons and talking about it with her has done so much for me. I care too much about the romantic idea of romance to break up with her for a while to get experience of my own but the best you can do is keep loving her as best as you can. Speaking from my first relationship of only a year I know I don't have as much experience at all but the thought of love is just something that's hard to break and thats really where all the focus should be. Yeah we all know they do stuff we don't like, so suck it up and love her for her mistakes and who she has become. Anything could happen with any relationship so live for the future, and accept the past. Just keep in mind that you can give her more to love than any asshole ever could. Talk it out and you'll see she thinks so too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I've only had 2 previous partners with whom i had sexual relations. My girlfriend now of 4 months brought the question up one time in bed. She wanted to know how many different people I have had sex with, I told her 2...you? She looked at me and then stared into her pillow and started to cry, telling me she doesn't know the exact number, but she has had sex with at least 15 different guys. I am 22 and she is 21. She started having sex at 17, me at 19. At that point I didn't care about the number, I only cared about how to make her stop crying. And to be honest it didn't bother me then, that was the past and this is now. We both share a deep connection and are basically each other's counterparts. But around 2 weeks after she told me, it really started to fester in my mind, I would be looking through her pictures on Facebook and constantly asking myself, "did she sleep with him?...did she sleep with him too?" It got to the point where we both knew something was wrong and we needed to talk about it. I asked her how many of the 15 were serious relationships, she said 3 of them were....WHOA. She knew that hearing her say that would make me really, really disgusted. That means that she had slept with 12 guys that were basically hookups. I asked her how many of the 12 hookups were one night stands, she says none of them. The fact that she has never had, or been interested in a one night stand tells me something...she wasn't in it purely for the pleasure. But guys, just like you all it really makes my blood boil when I think about any other man taking advantage of my woman. I couldn't care less about the 3 previous relationships, sex between two committed human beings is fine by me. Its the disgusting thought process that literally makes my stomach ache about how a woman/man will just be 'partying' or 'getting shitty' and not think about any future with the person, but just have sex with them...all in the name of fun. I asked her why she would shack up with these guys, was it just being bored after class and dropping by their house to catch a quick movie and a fuck? Because if that is the case, then I would be torn up so much more, but it wasn't. It was at this point that she told me she has been dealing with depression (she's on medication) since she was 15. Her attitude doesn't make her all that popular with girls, which is why she has many more guy friends than girlfriends (another fact that bothered me). Anyway, with this depression, she first dealt with it and handled it because of her first relationship, he was a good guy and treated her well. But college was coming and she had just been with the guy out of habit, so they broke up. Her freshman year she moves away, is home-sick and trying to deal with depression and all the while she is making more guy friends than girlfriends. Well she painfully explains to me that after being in that first long relationship, and now not having any real close girlfriends, she didnt realize how hard it was to deal with depression on her own. So basically, she was attention/affection starved and had REALLY low self esteem and any one of her guy friends that showed her any kind of attention felt good, and we all know what a guy wants from a girl. The short end of it is that between her 3 strong relationships, she was desperate and in a really bad mental place. It would be one guy who invited her over to watch a movie, then the second time he would make advances and she needed the attention so badly that she would give in and have sex. This would go on for a couple of weeks, and when the guy would get tired of her he would stop contact, which leaves her with even lower self esteem, lower mood, less attention and affection and on top of that, feeling like a cheap, used whore. This pattern would keep going until she would meet her next 'strong relationship' and would be with them (she has never, ever cheated) for a little while, but when it would end she was left looking for the next low-life, morally-depraved DNA cesspool that would call himself a man that would give her a little bit of attention just because he knew she was an easy lay. I have only brought the topic up to my woman 3 times, and each time we have talked about it we have to cut it short because it reminds her of all the mistakes she has made, and how she has been used, and I can't imagine how that makes her feel. Sex for the male allows him to express his love for that woman, which is why after one-night stands the male most often leaves as soon as possible, because it feels weird with this strange woman, because he feels nothing for her and wants to get away. Sex for the woman is a slow build up, first she needs to know that she is loved, or that this man can make her feel special, loved and appreciated. The woman will fall headfirst into the trap of being an 'easy lay' because she thinks that if she does this for the man, and once he is pacified, he will give her what she wants, which is to feel special, to feel loved, to feel needed and appreciated. But once the sex is over, it is much different that what she expected, the male does not give her what she needs, he did not even care about what she needs from him...which is why I would hate to be the woman who is craving attention, only after she gives this guy what he wants she feels rejected, used, cheap, unimportant and above all a low low low self esteem.I am over the fact of my woman's many sexual partners, yes she has had about 15 in a span of 3 years, and of those three years 2 of them were spent in monogamous relationships. Which means that the 12 hookups took place in a span of 1 year. This thought alone makes me worried about her, how could she do that to herself? How sick was she? Were any of them for her pleasure alone? did she cheat on her previous bf's? 12 dudes in 1 year of time is pretty quick. I don't know, as long as she doesn't cheat on me, then we are all good. No use worrying about something that hasn't happened. It will only make you crazy. This rant made me feel better than I thought it would.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): So what can I say bro.Yes this happens with all men with at least one girl. Its always the one we care about most. But think back to the old days when you was happy to get any base and say anything not knowing the consequences.All of the partners that you left behind become the frame work for the woman you are with now. It just translates that in this case you are the "nice guy" this time.But you must remember you are different to most men now and wont jump at a simple chance because you think of the future and any woman is looking for a future with a man.Most women feel that to have a future with a man they must mimic TV and sleep with him then they can be with the man they want. We know it doesnt take that and its sad to see.Point is either make up your numbers by increasing the amount of partners (that will mess up the ladies). Then after a year or a few months out, try and get back with the one you want. forgiving yourself for being selective of your partners as a man is something to be proud of. It I am 32 never been single for over 14 years and have only had 3 sexual partners. Read between the lines. I am so good that women rush to me when I am single and keep me. So the same for you.I am not humped and dumped because they see that value. Just value yourself the same.
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reader, pc1989 +, writes (3 January 2010):
Trust me i am in the same boat. My girlfriend/fiance that i have been with for 1 year and 8 months has had a total of 5 partners including me (that i know of) that is counting anything sexual (blow jobs, hand jobs, fingering etc) i had to clarify that with her! FYI we are both only 20 years old!!! She is my first; and before we were together we were just friends and she lived at my house with my parents because she did not have anywhere to go; which is how i know about most of her past sexual actions. So my problem is that recently (probably with in the last 4-5months) she has stopped wanting to do anything sexual with me. She says she does not know why; and what gets me upset is that she could do so much for so long but now that she is with me she doesnt know why but just not in the mood. What the hell!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): uhhh I am in the same exact position. Exact meaning exact, my girlfriend had 2 previous partners except i haven't had a one night stand with anyone. I don't like using the word jealous but that may be the way i feel. i got over the fact that she had sex with two people before but i asked her if she gave them blowjobs and she said yes, and i always thought that i was the first one. now i really feel sick knowing that she had someone elses penis in her mouth. the same one i kiss and love. it feels really bad. I don't know what to do. I really want to hate her for it, but I love her...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): The problem is that you haven't forgiven her for her past and it still bothers you. You may tell yourself you have but in reality, you haven't. You need to forgive her and concentrate on your relationship, and everytime the thought creeps in your head, that is another opportunity to forgive her. Or if you can't the only solution is to end your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I am 19 years old and I love my current gf with all my heart. She is my second serious relationship and even at 1 month I felt more in love with her than my first. My first time was my highschool sweetheart. I waited 8 months to have sex with her and only did that because I was sure I "loved" her and we would be together forever. It was blind love, but to me love nonetheless. My first time and I broke up after dating for 2 & 1/2 years and I started dating my current gf 7 months later. I instantly was awestruck at how much I loved her. It is like a dream come true. But what everyone has struggled with has also begun in my relationship. It is such a painful battle. Somewhat indescribable. My gf clearly had self esteem issues because she always had a bf. In the past two years she can't even remember how many guys she dated. But the point is she only "messed around"(blowjobs/got fingered) with 4 of them and had sex with one. So she only did stuff with 5. That being said I still struggle over her getting hurt and used by the guys. It's not the fact that she messed around with them. It's the fact that that's all they wanted and she was dumb enough to give it to them. She knew she wasn't in love with them cause she only dated them for like 1 months before messin around. And her ex the one she had sex with only dated her for 2 weeks before she gave her virginity to him. That's really the only one I struggle with is him because she didn't even feel comfortable doing that with him but did anyway. He broke up with her after having sex with her 3 times.(they had only dated for 3 weeks) and then she found out she was pregnant :( she had a miscarriage after 3 months and started dating me 2 months later. sometimes I feel horrible when I hear his name and I just picture it happening and how he left her alone to deal with their mistake. She was 15 at the time :(. I hate thinking about how she let herself be treated and it does get to me. But I know she loves me and I love her too. I am hoping that time will take away the pain that I feel from knowing what happened in her past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): I am having similar problems with my wife. She had her first when she was only 14. I never had sex til we were married. She had a total of 7 partners before I met her. 2 of them just a few weeks before we met. I am normally a very understanding person and "forgave" her for it. Not that I really needed to it happening before we met. The big problem for me is that she won't stop bringing up what happened. I tell her it's not that I am trying to deny what happened but that I really just don't care to hear about it. She doesn't talk about it when it's just her and me, but when any of her friends come over she goes into a lot of detail and it honestly feels as if she is reminiscing and misses those days. Another thing is too that at first she told me it was just one and then two and then 7. And she brings it up out of nowhere too. One day she just blurted out. Hey remember so and so? I took his virginity. This was something I hadn't been told yet, so it really makes me wonder if there is ever more? She is only 19 now and has had at least 7 sexual partners. And one thing that really hurt me was she said she gave up the love of her life because he wanted to leave for a few years. So I don't feel like I am the love of her life. Also she laughs about certain things she did like giving oral sex to some guy she never even really talked to, she just decided she wanted to. Am I over reacting by not wanting to here about her past partners? She says it shouldn't bother me that she talks about it, because it's her past and it doesn't matter now. And I my mind I see it as its her past so she doesn't need to bring it up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Been married for 17 years. My partner had 2 sexual experiences with one guy before we met. I am troubled that she was only 16....damn I waited till I was 21 and purposely chose to miss on many many opportunities. One experience for her was drunk date rape....what a POS !! So after 10 years I told her what was bothering me. We went to counseling, then I went alone because it was solely "my" problem. I'll tell ya folks, the counselor was more screwed up than me !! She said that date rape was unfortunate but common....boy do I ever feel better now....thanks!!! NOT !! After several sessions and no "progress" on my part, the counselor finally in frustration said "get over it !!" Wow was that ever professional...why did'nt I think of that?? So here I am angry, frustrated, disappointed, disgusted etc etc. I told her I will stay for the kids till the youngest is 18...gee only another 12 years. It has been pure mental hell...some days/weeks are worse than others. She does not want to talk about it...so I just try and keep to myself. The "just get over it" and "you cannot change the past" does not work for me. No, I am not depressed or have other mental illnesses, actually quite the opposite...outgoing, active and financially successful. To this very day, this destroys me to the absolute core of my soul.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): It really is healthy to see that so many men struggle with this issue, and i certainly can empathize.
I first did this with my last girlfriend, and the thoughts eventually led to the same feelings of shame and disrespect that others have spoken of. Eventually, for reasons of both ego and self-guilt, i ended the relationship. I promised myself that the next time around, i would not make the same mistakes, not ask the same questions, and not repeat the same cycles.
yet, here i have found myself 6 months in to a relationship with a truly wonderful woman, and one i fell in love with at first sight. i am 29, and I have been with 35 women. She is a year younger, and has had 13 partners. Logically, i should have felt pretty good and left it at that. as so many others in this forum can attest to, though, i found myself prying, and eventually uncovered too many of the gory details to forget them. I have experienced a tinge of the shame towards her, but the difference this time is that i am making a choice to control my emotions, and when i am overwhelmed, i simply take a little breather and calm myself down. i also know that a lot these experiences for her were born from a low self image, and the compassionate side of me understands that. she had a horrible experience early in her life, and it led to her feeling as though she needs to play a role for men. i love her enough to not want to hurt her more from my own insecurities, and in a lot of ways, by truly loving her, i am allowing her to find the right confidence to move past these issues.
i also know that despite having a fairly large penis, i am not her largest, but what can you do really. there are just some things that are out of our control.
don't we all wish, sometimes, that we lived in a time where women were with one man, but then again, we would not be sharing our thoughts on this topic. i think once you have gone there, and asked the forbidden questions, the only choice you have is to be man enough to deal with the answers. i would chose a woman any day of the week who has been with multiple partners, as it really does make their choice in you more worthwhile, and it makes the sexual experience better for both of you. if you have gone there, know that you are not alone, but also know that time makes it better. ultimately, you will come out loving her for the person she really is, not the image you want to put on a pedestal. finally, take a look in the mirror, and be thankful that someone has decided to love you. often, it is ourselves we are struggling to love.
hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): There is no harm if anyone had lots of sexual partners before starting a serious relationship.If she is faithful to you that is enough. Don't think about past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): My girlfriend and I have been having a long distance relationship (Sydney to Melbourne - 1000km or 600 miles) for almost a year now and we both love each other like never before. She is 23 and I am 20, She has been with 17 partners while I have been with 8. I, like most others on this forum, find myself continuously thinking about my girlfriend with other men.
When we first got to know each other it was by telephone for a month before we were physically intimate. During that time we had many discussions about sex in general. She would without realising it tell me things about her past. Like she used to be the kind of person who would get calls at 4am and go over to a guys house. Or how a guy kicked her out of his house at 4am, her friend broke her virginity with a barman in his car, her response was, been there done that. I also go to uni with one of her ex partners. Knowing the kind of person she was and how she used to act tears me up inside which is terrible because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect (despite the distance) I am faithful but find myself hating her at times and slowly feelings my good moods being replaced with disgust, anger, shame some more anger. I think i did make it worse with all the questions, but I do not know what to do.
Thank you to everyone who has responded to this forum and it is comforting to know that their is not necessarily something wrong with me for thinking this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Ive have dealt with this issue for quite some time. My first girlfriend was perfect, high school sweethearts you could say and i made it 3 years before the depression hit me. She had 1 partner before me but i was a virgin. I could not get the thought of someone screwing her out of my head, it made me a mess. I tried antidepressants, drugs, alcohol but nothing worked. I contributed it to the fact that i loved her so much but i think it was less noble than that. I think it was due to my own sexual desires. I enjoyed sex so much that i couldn't stand the thought of someone else having that same enjoyment with her or, even worse, her enjoying that sex with him as much as i did with her. Anyway, i completely trashed our relationship, we made it another 2 years but it was not the same. I had thoroughly probed her with questions until she was just fed up. Every relationship i have had since has gone the same way but as i get older the number of guys the girls i have dated has been with has gone up. I long to go back to my first girlfriend who only had one, it seems so trivial now. I currently have found a girlfriend whom i am in love with, but i made the mistake of asking the number question, it was 10, now i feel the fangs of depression sinking in once again. I keep telling myself "10 is not that many" or "it was all out of teenage stupidity" but seriously i don't think anything can really make it better unless i learn to get over this problem entirely. How?..who knows. Someday i may look back and think "I wish i could find someone who has only been with 10 people." After reading all these posts i see many of us are in the same boat. My advice through experience is this:
A. The more you ask the more you know, take it or leave it, it may help resolve some issues but more than likely its gonna start some new ones. Asking questions is also gonna start grinding her down and before you know it, the awesome guy she thought you were is gonna fade, into a paranoid shell of someone she hates to be around.
B. You cannot change the past, its happened, its done. You either have to deal with it or move out of the way. Yes i know those images in your head suck, mine are always of some college frat boy moaning and groaning while his face twists with pleasure, but your gonna have to get over that. Block it out, think of something else as hard as you can, being a rock star, cheeseburgers, pickup trucks, whatever. Its contaminating your brain and odds are that it was absolutely nothing like that. Don't think about what the others guys are thinking about the experience. Sex is pleasurable yes, but memories fade. Trust me i can barely remember the details of my first girlfriend and we were together for years. Yes i can still remember my first time but the importance of it has completely changed. If there is a guy out there who holds getting with your girlfriend over you, think of the emotional issues he has, probably a lot. He may be going through the same issues as you are and your girl is the last thing on his mind and if it is, what a freaking jerk. Think of the hurt he is gonna cause someone he loves by thinking so arrogantly.
C.Seek help! This is not uncommon problem but it should not affect every aspect of your life. Find a counselor or therapist to help you. They are trained in how the mind works and can help you get some peace. I know i said medications didn't work for me but look I'm still dealing with this issue. A chemical imbalance could be causing your issues to be intensified. There are solutions out there and it doesn't hurt to look even if it just passes the time.
But the number one thing is to look at your relationship. You obviously love this girl, would you not suffer for her?
If you lose her then its not the person before you that is the problem, its the person AFTER you. Hold her close, she is yours NOW thats what matters because thats all there is, there are no memories that can even compare to what you have now. The more confident you are about your relationship, the more your girl is going to completely adore you, and that is 100x stronger than any memory of someone else. It hurts but you can overcome it and that is so much better than losing it all
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Well, i had the same issue with my ex girl friend. She was not a virgin but she was my first. the obsession really did kill my relationship. I kept askin her questons to the point where she felt really guilty. I made her so guilty that she could not have a normal sex life with me and ended up having low self esteem and other mental issues. I admire her for the reason she did not resent my unrealistic sadistic behaviour. She just gave in and tried to do everything she could to convince me that she was totally mine and that her past did not matter. and once she made me believe it, she she totally lost her self esteem and her happiness. Till this date i feel sad for what i did. and now here i am, with another girl friend and there is this same issue bothering me. i know it is wrong to ponder over this thought. it is just to selfish to think of it that way... There is nothing she has to prove.... She had sex with someone else before you, and maybe has more experience than you... but so what!!! isnt she human being with normal feelings.... she loves you and that what matters.... stop thinking of what is not necessary and just focus on your relationship which is otherwise the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you. Dont break her heart talking about things that really dont matter...please do not disrespect her love. i did this same mistake and i repent it even now.... the day I satisfied my obsession by feeding it with my curious questions.... i destroyed everything else... please... love is much greater than what u think... dont ruin it
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reader, Stew18 +, writes (26 August 2009):
Well this is my stance. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while and i love her. She's only had sex with me but it's agonizing to think about the "third bases" she went to with random hook ups and boyfriends... She told me that she thought it was the only way to get a guy to like her. I wanna kill her previous partners but just get over it really... If she loves you she will let you know. It's the past no big deal... Those other guys just enhanced your relationship with her. She sees how much of jerks they were which puts you on a pedestal. Plus, we learn from our past mistakes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): People telling you to "get over it" or "pull yourself together" or "it's all in the past" does not help in thse situations.
If someone has never experienced these feelings they cannot possibly know how all consuming and destructive they are.
I have great empathy with anyone who has or has had these feelings. I lost a girlfriend because I couldn't get over her past. I used to think if I could just understand everything about her previous relationships it would help me come to terms with them ... but in some ways it just made things worse. In the end my concerns about her past destroyed our future. My advice is don't go there.
My pet theory is having terrible jealousy like this in men (and previous posters have made a good point that this is male dominated issue) is a crap hardwired defense mechanism and 'natural' ... built in our 'genes' from thousands of years ago when people lived in tight knit communities and there was a need to spread the gene pool. By making us feel bad about someone who had already slept with someone else we'd be more likely to go and find someone 'undamaged'.
I know this doesn't help ... but it may explain why these kind of feelings are so prevalent and so many people experience them. That this is natural - albeit a very hard burden for those of us unlucky enough to feel it.
The trouble is nowadays things have moved on a lot and people have sex younger and are happier to do it with lots of different people in their search for love or just to experiment and have fun.
I have a new girlfriend who, guess what, unsurprisingly has a past. Even based on my previous experience with my previous girlfriend where this ate me alive I still cannot help myself. To think of her with other men is like comething eating me up alive.
I have learnt however not to ask details ... but this does not make my knot of destructive jealousy disappear. The thing is I am not an insecure person or anything and we love each other very much. So this is stupid right? YES I KNOW THAT but yet that feeling never dies fully. This just goes to prove to me that these feelings are something that a lot of us can't really help at our core ... the best we can do is try and control and supress them. And over time hope they subside to the point of being immaterial.
My way of dealing with this is to believe that I am in a happy 'bubble' with my now girlfriend. And that if my nasty jealous fiend comes out to play ... I treat him as an ememy that is a clear and present danger to my bubble and must be beaten down at all costs. He is not allowed to come into that bubble because that would destroy everything I hold dear ... as it has in the past and will not be allowed to do again.
You do not suffer alone. Remember that. This is a heavy burden that is irrational and illogical. And yet it is there. :-(
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reader, caper22  +, writes (1 July 2009):
There is no real way to stop obsessing over this issue once the damage is done, in my opinion. For instance, me and my girlfriend have been dating almost a year now. Im 20, shes 19 we are the same age. ive had 12 partners and shes had 6. even though my number doubles hers, and i have had more one night stands, the thoughts of her past drive me insane. it gets so bad that sometimes i just have to step outside for a cigarette and not talk to her for a short time. i always wonder how easy it was for these guys, was it as easy for me, if she enjoyed it more....you get the point. but one thing that always drives me nutts to this day, is that one of her partners was 27 when she was 18. it disgusts me and makes me wonder what the fuck she was thinking. obviously this guy cared nothing for her. but it always makes me wonder if he had an easier time getting her because he was an older guy, and if being in the position again where an older guy is hitting on her, will she jump at that oppurtunity. lets just face it...we all know woman love older guys. i think its unfair because i am mature for my age, having gone through my fair share of grief already, and cant help but think she doesnt have the same attraction for me as these older guys. it seems that shes made so many "mistakes" or so she calls them...that how do i know shes not going to make another "mistake" by cheating on me?ne words on this particular issue?oh...and to answer the question...dont even ask. your cigarette quantity will diminish greatly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I am 37 and have exactly the same issue, vivid pictures, to the point where it seems that suicide might not even help ease the anguish. Anger, disgust, love, rage don't begin to describe the emotional conflict.I have had girlfriends whos' exes I didn't know, had no names, numbers, pictures etc. and I had no issue at all so 'ignorance is the best policy'. From the begining state that you wish no knowledge of previous boyfriends, vehemontly.I told my current girlfriend from the begining, 'I don't want to know the names of your ex boyfriends, I don't want to know how many, I especially don't want to meet them! Really!'. What happens? She **cking introduces me to two of them, and a score of photos on FaceBook! She says there are 8 now.Anyone that is reading this discussion will already be in the situation, too late for ignorance, so my advice above is moot for the currently disabled souls. Keep it in mind for the future though.If you are unlucky enough to have some details I just hope that anon 19 Feb 2008 wrote 'Basically, you'll get over it in time', I really, really hope this is true.In any event your choices are:1)Supress it long enough to dull the experience, trying not to go mad all the while2)Kill yourself3)Kill all the exes4)Find a virginNot necessiraly in order of priority of course.God help us all.
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reader, BB35 +, writes (4 February 2009):
Another thing to consider. If you search the net, there are far more men suffering from this issue than vice versa. Why? Beacause, as men, we know how we felt when we had one night stands, or short sexually based realtionships. Let's face it, the girl was just a warm body for us to satisfy our urges. These girls meant nothing to us emotionally. Men are talented at doing this. Therefore, we don't like to think about our wife being "that woman" to some other guy, or guys as is the case for most the people on this post. It's our own programming that ultimately curses us. This is also why women for the most part don't "struggle" with their man's past. Women associate sex with being emotionally tied to the man, and wanting to be made to feel sexy and desirable. Since orgasm is much harder for them to acheive, they don't usually have sex to get the O. I know my wife usually gets her O's with her toys, and I'm fine with that. I saves my tongue a hell of a workout :-). Sooo, since we didn't love the women we were sleeping with during out 1 night stands, women are not threatened by that. I know my wife doesn't care about how many women I've banged. It's not even an issue for her. My first wife didn't care either. The only thing my new wife is jealous of is the fact I had spent 7 years living with my first wife, and was her husband. That exemplifies the differences right there, perfectly. She cares nothing about all my 1 night stands (and there were lots), and is upset because I had another wife before her. I, on the other hand, don't give 2 shits she was married before, or even slept with her first husband, because I know at least he loved her at one point. It's the meaningless ones that bother me more, where she was just a hole to some guy. So again, if you can, just try to think about the fact that since she didn't love those dudes, it proabaly wasn't so great an experience for her.
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reader, BB35 +, writes (2 February 2009):
Ok, one more point, sorry. I see some guys concerned that that because their girlfriend has been with other guys, they can't do anything their GF hasn't already seen, and it won't be special. You guys have to remember, that sex is different for women. This is not a sexist comment. It's simple biology, undisputed. Women are wired differently. Yes, women enjoy the physical aspect too, but it's not like men where it's all about getting the nut. My wife doesn't need an orgasm every time because because it's about bonding with the man she loves for her. Yeah, I know women like to just get fu#ked every now and then, but overall, they just like feeling loved. So rest assured, when your woman tells you she loves you like no other, she probably means it, and the sex is better for her than with some Joe she was just banging who meant nothing to her.
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reader, BB35 +, writes (2 February 2009):
A couple more points I thought of that I wanted to add. Many men have mentioned that they can't stand the thought of some guy that has slept with their wife or girlfriend thinking "I was with the girl you're making love to now". I feel the same way. I already told my wife I don't ever want to be around any of her past lovers. Unfortunately, I think this has already happened without me knowing, at parties and such. I'm sure she made the rounds amongst her male friends while "searching" for the right guy. But I guess my point on this, is that I reversed the situation, and thought about being around one of my past conquests who is now married. Would I feel like I had something over her husband because I boned the woman who is now his wife? I actually wouldn't, because it was so long ago that I'd slept with these women, I honestly can't even remember what the experience was like. I know it was probably fun, and I might remember some vague details like whether or not she performed oral, but I can't remember all the sordid little details like how she moaned, or what kind of dirty talk she said. Without all the juicy details, it doesn't mean much now. So I can only assume that other guys feel the same way. My wife wouldn't do anything freaky with me until we'd been dating for several months, she loved me, and I convinced her I'd still respect her in the morning, lol. And she claims she was pretty prudish in the sack when she was younger (generally, they are and that's why I always liked older women) and because of this, her past lovers won't have any lasting detailed memories of their time with her, sexually.One final point. It could be MUCH MUCH worse. Think about this. A reasonably attractive woman (and probably not so attractive) could potentially go out every Friday and Sat night, and bring a guy home. There are always guys willing to take a decent looking girl home for a 1 night stand at every bar or club. Always. I was one of them. Even if she waited until she was 21 to start doing this and could get into bars, that would be over 100 guys a year. If she did this until age 25 when you met her, that would be like 400 dudes. This doesn't even count "ladies night" during the week, which would push the number up in the 600 range. She could do that many guys if she wanted. Really. So the guys upset that their girls have been with 15 or 20, or even 30 guys, and the girl is 24 years old....She only banged a minute percentage of the guys she could have. She still showed lots of restraint. There are still billions of guys on this planet who will never see your girl naked. Perspective.
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reader, BB35 +, writes (2 February 2009):
I simply have to laugh at those guys whining aboug their girls having been with 2 guys before them? Are you kidding me? Do you know how lucky you are in this day and age? My wife was single until 30, and spent 12 years in college due to becoming an MD. She dated lots of dudes. Many were serious BFs which don't really bother me. I'm sure there were sluttier "sorority girl" moments in there too. The ones that bother me the most are the month long relationships. I find myself thinking, "If you didn't like him enough to date more than a month, maybe you could have held out on boning that one". Anyway, like all the other guys on here, I struggle with this issue. I'm also a huge hypocrite. I have probably done more chicks than she has dudes. At least I used to be convinced of that, but not so sure any more. Anyway, we both have impressive numbers. Was she easy? Yeah, I'd say so from stories I've heard. Did I know this before we got married? I had a hunch (intuition is a great tool, use it). Now I know for sure because of stories being corroborated by several sources. She denies it, but of course she would. Based on the circumstances we met (hooking up on first date), I knew she was no nun. She is a textbook case of low self esteem trying to get men to love here via her twat. She was made fun of in middle school and felt like the ugly duckling. Then men started noticing her, and you know the rest. My only advice to those who may be reading this but don't yet know their girl's number: don't ask. Ignorance is bliss as they say. If I ever do it again, I won't ask any questions. Another poster put it perfectly. Your mind wants to know, and you ask, which leads you to want to know more, and then you start picturing her in your head doing things with the guy etc...Just don't ask. Assume she's not a virgin (a very good thing BTW), and as long as she loves you, be happy. I know my wife loves me way more than any other guys she's ever dated (or fu#ked). That's why she married me and not them. It does suck thinkg about other dicks cumming in your wife, but that's the reality of life today. And I guess once she's had one other, she's used goods at that point, so what difference does each additional one make. Marriages aren't perfect. This is one of the issues that men have to deal with, fact of life. If you can't deal with your girls number, find one that is accpetable, or JUST DON'T ASK. Bottom line.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): I am suffering exactly the same problem. I am glad i am not the only one having a difficulty with that.
My fiancee is a wonderful girl, I can not live without her, however, I get nightmares and a severe lake of sleep as the image of my fiancee with another man shows up in my head.
I definetly blame our "modern" society for this situation.
We have abused the term freedom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): I completely understand and agree with everyone's statements. I, actually, am in the same situation as the original question to this message board. I hope that within time, these vivid images of my girlfriend, who I am deeply in love with, sleeping with her previous two boyfriends fade away.
There really isn't anything I can do about it. I blame all of our situations on society. Societal pressures and norms has evolved. People are more promiscuous as compared to the last 30 to 40 years. Maybe it's good that people can test their love more freely through sex without being told that it's bad these days, but it hurts to fall in love because of that freedom. The best thing I can do is to have a family with the woman I love. I plan to raise my kids with the values I have, and I will tell them about the pain their one true love will feel if they share the most precious gift God has given them, their sexual body and spirit.
I hope that we can all help our children be the change we wish we had in our current relationships. Hopefully, more people agree with the way we all feel. I wish you all great wealth and fortune in your current relationships and careers.
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reader, cyrus666 +, writes (5 January 2009):
Time heals this. My advice: satisfy your curiosity for the details now. Chances are, if you are feeling this way about a girl, you are very close to her. Thus, no matter what anyone tells you, you have a right to know in detail her sexual past. If anything (or everything) she tells you about her past makes your stomach twist, ask her why she did what she did. Be tactful, and explain to her that the thought processes she used to make these decisions are important to you because you want to know what kind of a person she is. That is perfectly reasonable! Everyone has standards for who they date. Define yours. If your girl was banged out by two dudes at the same time, and you ask her why she did that, and she said "because they were hot and I'd do it again," then well, depending on your standards, you may not be compatible with that person. I know I wouldn't be. The girl's a slut. If she was like, "I was young, stupid and drunk. I regret it and I would never make such a mistake again," then I might be able to forget about that in time. The point is, if your girl's past bothers you, then you probably have traditional values when it comes to dating and sex. That's a good thing. There are PLENTY of girls that will like that about you. And it may be the case that you are a dating a legitimate slut. Now, you can distinguish between a girl who has made mistakes in the past and who is genuinely regretful, and a cumslut whore who is just in it for the fun. Some girls just don't share your traditional values and are not compatible with you. You should accept that possibility. If that's the case, move on because there are a ton of hot girls with great personalities that share your values. It's a fact. If it continues to bother you for a long time (months), then tell her you want to be single for a little bit to figure some things out. Continue to talk to her regularly and be a good friend. Date a little bit more, get some more experience, and if you still really like her, you can get back together when you're a little bit mature and know what you want more. This way you won't have cheated on her, but you will get some more experience and wisdom. It's not a race and you have options. Women are very attracted to men who keep things in perspective this way. Finally, the cure-all: find out the names and addresses of the girls who have fucked your girl. Find them, and kill them. ONLY JOKING :) But it would solve the problem, wouldn't it? ;)
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reader, someLoser +, writes (22 December 2008):
My girlfriend had sex with around 6 people I think. I had it with 3, but really it was just her when you count how many gave me an orgasm. I think about it like this and it does not bother me all that much...between her last boyfriend and you, she has had plenty of periods and her body has shed and grown down there and basically wiped itself clean. You're not touching anything that any of those guys have actually touched because it is new skin, just for you! Luckily she's clear of stds too... so after that...there is nothing to worry about. She's with you, she loves you. You're better than the rest...OUT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE YOU ARE THE BEST ONE!!! LIVE IT UP, YOU'RE THE MAN!!!! YOU...ARE...THE...MAN!!!!My girlfriend is 6 years older. We were made for each other. I broke up with her after 6 months, got back together, then broke up again after another 6 months. We've been apart for 2 months now. I broke up with her for two reasons, which I am listing here because I'm getting ready for therapy sessions as a result of all this...it has played with my head too much and I am exhausted...doesn't necessarily help she's been texting me the last 2 months because I still love her.reason 1I'm still curious about girls and I don't want to be married at 40 and start thinking I should have dated more. She knew about this and reluctantly offered to do a 3 some with me with another girl...I knew she didn't actually want that so I decided that wouldn't be healthy for us at that point. I guess I missed that opportunity, didn't I...a 3 some would be great if I'm not dating one of them.reason 2...the big oneShe's 6 years older than me and I don't know if I can handle starting a family before she runs out of time. Now that I've wasted a year of her life it's gonna be even harder for her to do that with ANYONE and now I hate myself, just like I feared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): i read through this whole post..
my girlfriend is older than me by about 4 years. she has been with guys ranging from one night stands to boyfriends to flings, shes done it all.
like others, at first i saw my girl as flawless. then i slowly found out. when i first started finding out it was torcher.
over time, i kept asking her questions. i wanted to know more more more.
for a little while, i started to fade. but lately it has reemerged.
i have a whole list of questions id like to ask her, but i just eat them up. i know that takling ot her about it more will only lead to more pain and stress on our relationship, as well as hurt her.
i find it easier to deal with relationships that she was in, because at least she cared about the person. what tears me apart is the meaningless things.
id like to think it was just because she has low self esteem. i dont know. i wish i could know exactly what she was thinking and feeling in each situation but i will never know.
what hurts the most is thinking if she was just doing it for pleasure. thats the thought i cant stand.
i have been dealing with this for 2 years and i dont know what to do, i guess ill just hide it inside. try not to think about it.
its nice to know there are others out there feeling like this, when i try to talk to my friends about it it doesnt bother them. they say you urself have been with other people. its not a logical thing, i cant control how i feel.
oh well..
i guess my advice would be.. try to stay as ignorant as you can. when you find out more, it only gives u more to think about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I am in a similar situation regarding your feelings, except I have had more partners than her but her number is quite high. I don't how to get over this.
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reader, Adson  +, writes (8 November 2008):
Listen to She smiled sweetly by Rolling Stones. It helps ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I agree with the poor guy who wrote this. I love my boyfriend with my whole heart. But becuase of his previous sexual encounters ... 3, I tend to compare myself. I am a virgin, I have saved myself all these years for a man I want to be with. He too, says he loves me more than anyone else, tells me I'm the best for him, and that he wants to marry me. I see it in his eyes and he isn't pressuring me at all to have sex. He's the perfect gentleman. But having multiple sex partners hurts. It hurts that person you want to be with forever. I hurt that I wasn't special enough to wait for, that I wasn't worthy of his first time. He's a Christian now and has asked God for forgiveness, but some days thinking about it eats me up inside. He knows what he did was wrong, 3 girls is 3 to many. I don't think this guys feelings are unwarrented. Anyone who says they aren't is lying to themselves. Sex hurts and binds you to someone forever. It also can hurt your future spouse and relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This is truly sad and ridiculous. Human beings are sexual creatures and it is nothing short of natural to have multiple sex partners especially in the most sexually drenched nation in the world. Young girls are trained to be independent and sexual. As a society we place an absurd importance on beauty, perfection and desirability. Yet, as young girls mature into women and claim their sexual freedom, to experience what they want sexually, they are punished, labeled sluts and whore. There is nothing wrong with having multiple sex partners as long as both partners are emotionally ready to make such a commitment and they are being safe and responsible. Men just can't stand the thought of not completely owning the woman they think they are in love with. they feel the need to control her mind, body and spirit.
Beyond that our experience throughout life make us who we are. Weather good or bad we should learn something and allow what we learned to make us better stronger individuals. These experiences do NOT exclude sexual experiences. I've been with 12 men in the past 7 years. Some of them in long term relationships and others more casually and weather good or bad I learned a lot from each. Even if it was just not to trust men or not wear my heart on my sleeve. Life is a journey, your wasting time if you just want to look back on it and wish you had taken an alternate course. All you have is your hear and now so you should treasure it.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (19 August 2008):
Just to follow-up on my last post...
Guys why dig up old issues that happened before she new you existed?
Also I know it is tempting to keep asking for details? Your mind says get me more info and I will forget about it all. This is a lie...more info and more details only makes it worse. If you get too much details you will begin to try and visualize her with these guys. Worse yet if you know what these guys look like it becomes almost like you are watching a porn movie and your wife is the star. Of course your mind gives the guy a 10" pecker, can do it for hours on end, and your wife must have 50 orgasms with him. Of course this is highly unlikely, especially if her partners were 16-18 years old as in my wifes case. Instead try this...visualize her with these guys, they each have a 3" penis, she can barely feel it, and they ejaculate within a minute. Your wife was disapointed and in her mind wished she had a man that could satisfy her...then fill in the blank with your name and think about when you met and first make love. It is all in what you let your mind get away with guys.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (19 August 2008):
To the ANON that said his wife told him he was the largest...LOL...do you expect her to tell you otherwise? That would create a whole new problem area. I am well above average however I asked my wife this question and her response was "a penis is a penis" and I did not bust out a ruler each time I was with someone. LOL She went on to say it was never just about sex...it was to boost her self esteem and hopefully get someone to love her. Kind of like putting the cart before the horse but many girls fall into this trap. Then once it happens like this a trend develops, they already lost their virginity, so what is one more time, then another, then another, and so on.
If you are of average size (6"L X 5"G) and she was with 10+ guys before you, rest assured she had one bigger. I really think the size thing is the core of why guys have issues with their partners sexual past. To guys it is all physical (size, duration, positions, etc.) To girls they are bothered by this if the guy 'loved' the other girl.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (19 August 2008):
I have been married for 14 years (together 18) with my wife. She was in several abusive short term relationships (i.e. guys will say anything to get laid). Having low self esteem she felt that if she slept with them they would love her. She told me some details of how they abused her, I must say it was borderline rape IMO.
My mental issues are not that she was a slut or anything like that, however I am angry at these guys for treating her this way. Then again, if you really think about it, I should be grateful they were such losers, as when I came along it made me stand out as so much better then them. If all of these guys were perfect gentlemen and treated her well, she may not have been available for me to date. Past experiences are all part of the overall plan for our lives. We learn from our past, both positive and negative.
She also took part in a couple of one night stands. To me these hurt the worst. That my beautiful wife would just give herself up so easily to a guy she just met. Then this leads me to wonder the typical guy things, like what did they do to her, did she enjoy it, how long did they do it for, and so on. Usually most guys have issues with penis size and overall sexual abilities...I do not have this issue thank God. This is just the male ego at work and how male insecurities get to us.
The benefits in marrying a virgin are not always rosy. Two of my friends ended up marrying virgins. They were very happy about this, however curiosity got to their wives and they both had affairs to see what else was out there. So in my case my wife saw what else was out there and in doing so realized that when she met me I was the one. If you are suffering with issues relating to your wives past...try looking at it from the angles I mentioned above. It worked for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): I've read a lot of your responses and I feel the same way with my girlfriend for the most part. My current girlfriend (possibly wife someday) has had sex with 3 partners before dating me. It kind of tears you up inside to think that she would do such an intimate act with several guys. I've only had sex with one other person before her, and it was in a semi-long relationship (dated ~6 months).
I'm kind of in a crappy thought-fest where my mind is running wild thinking about her with other men. I've found at least some sort of solution that has helped me deal with her past "lovers". I've found out that if you talk to her and get more details about why she did what she did (not in a pushy way) and learn about her mentality at that point, it tends to help out. I REALLY didn't want to know about her past relationships at the beginning, but as time grew longer, my mind would run wild with how many she's been with or what happened. After her clearing it up with her (only took about a year for me to ask the questions I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to) I found out the first couple of days suck horribly because it eats you up inside, but after a while, I've been able to cope with it and see where she was at. The only one that's still eating me up is the relationship she had with a guy at college. She had a fling with this guy twice. I'll get over it, but it just bothers me that she would offer her body to someone she had only known for maybe a month tops.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): man does this suck...and then at the same time it would suck if she was inexperienced and wishful of more action as you start getting deep into your relationship. which is in my mind completly understandable. But check this out: my girlfriend (i hate saying this word at this time :) has been with around 15 guys (at least that's what she says). She is hot. I mean she gets hit on a lot. Really fuckable like. She was 24 when we met. I am a bit younger and am average looking, and really picky (shallow) and have had little experience, but think that fucking a lot of women is awesome. I've got such bad doublestandards that makes me want to puke. It sucks ass. She's hot! If i were hot i would probably have banged a whole shitload of girls. I am glad she had fun. But at the same time...i don't know. Like the dude below wrote, i feel like fucking more women than she had men. Even thought it's probably the stupidest thing ever. Or breaking up with her...but i would never forgive myself for doing that. Also stupid...i don't know what to do. The worst thing is that i have been in contact with a lot of her ex boyfriends...one had a bigger dick, the other fucked faster, with one she made love for hours (something i wish i could do) and some she sucked off constantly. You can't have it worse than this. Well of course you can, but you are not me :). I don't know. I feel completely useless and insignificant. Stupid. Looser. And the worst thing is i want to get my score up there - even by cheating on her. Well i only feel like this sometimes. That's so bad...makes no sense moraly. I wish it did. I wish i had more expereince before i met her. I so wish that. To all of you: be promiscuos or you will regret it later. I am a frustrated person. Fucking slut. Whore! I am ten times a cheaper whore that she is...reality bites. Beauty is like money, some have it, other want it. I guess i am on the wanting end. Success...i guess the best way for you to feel better is to know that someone's had it worse :D. But when you have to shake hands with a guy that pounded her...dude...i want to dump her so bad. I am so imature and not a man. I am a boy. mid 20's boy. looser. i am happy she had a good time. I hope i will too. fuck...i guess if our relationship was better and our sex life too it wouldn't bother me so much. made love for hours!!! and it kept staying stiff...even after he came two three times...i know: way too much info...i asked for it. God this fucking life can suck sometimes. fucking a. I just wanna get drunk and fuck some bitch. It's not fair...it is...but you know...it sucks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): i wanted to ammend my answer: i advised you no matter what you think or do, stay loyal and dont cheat around on her. i was gernerally overly sarcastic regarding a break up because it didnt work out for me. My implication was really that if you dont cheat, you will be more likely to have a continuing relationship: and if your not sure you love her; better make damn sure or else you may find out you do love her, too late. i wish I could of had that continuing relationship, but thats what i did wrong; i cheated and i didnt think i loved her; when i did.. I hope you work out these personal issues, and i hope it works out ok. Just dont let her think you are jelous or anyhting you may need to keep it to yourself: and dont let this feeling drive you to do something that makes you feel the need to "protect" yourself, to protect your ego. again i say : fly straight, keep your karma clean, and dont mention this particular feeling to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): this is difficult situation. i know it well, i have a similar experience. to be homest, the ex lovers before are much easier to think about and deal with than the ones after a breakup! unfortunately, if you dont get married or live together, you'll probably break up...all i can say is dont find out you love her after you break up with her! think it through; it may be too late then...if you do break up, and cant get her back, just make sure you avoid seeing her and any people she goes out with, this will be tough and you may hold this pain for a long long time: you may never get over it. whatever you do, keep your karma clean with her: that means dont cheat or fu ck around on her. keep yourself clean, trust me. whatever she does you will be ok -its very important you fly straight. sometimes women with "daddy" issues will go on an 'in your face' "screwing spree" after you break up. ouch, fukced up i know; happened to me; 22 years later and i still feel it: but i cheated and fukced around... therefore i say; dont cheat on em.
in the end - its yourself you have to live with. stay clean, so the pain can heal. if you cheat or fukc around, the hurt will last much longer especially if you find out you really loved her after you break up (like me. dont be a dumbass like me.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Okay, first off, I feel your pain and know your exact feelings. I can tell you that no matter how extensive or how limited your partners past is, you will naturally have these feelings. My gf is (or was, rather) a virgin before she met me. I was her first for everything except kissing and fingering. She had done nothing else but that before me, never had a boyfriend, nothing. And this is at 23 years old. She gave her virginity to me and I STILL have those feelings about the few minor things she did in the past. It sickens me to think of someone even kissing her or touching her in that way. So I think this is just a natural feeling men (and women too even) get when they love someone a great deal. We feel that this person is ours and we torture ourselves by thinking of another person experiencing what we feel belongs to us. My situation is just hard proof of that. My gf completely saved herself for me and even then it still bothers me that anyone else has kissed her, or even thought about her in that way before. So no matter the severity of someone's faults before us, anything that happened in that persons past will just naturally be a source of pain when thought about. There's nothing you can do then but not think about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Okay guys, i can relate to sexual jealousy a lot. My fiancee, when we first got together, revealed she'd had a threesome, and not long before we had got together for that matter. It ate my insides up for months, i didnt know which way to turn or what to do. The idea of someone fulfilling their fantasies with my gorgeous partner pretty much sucked. There was only one course of action. When i was away from her for a bit, i went to a brothel and paid for a threesome of my own. Two hot girls pleasured me, and now i have equality, and can feel sexually equal again. This was the only way to cope with things, and ensure our relationship didnt suffer long term and didnt basically collapse. Sexual pasts can hurt ALOT, and the worst thing is your partner wont sympathise. Women are different to men, they can handle sexual pasts much better, but that because we as men understand how other men think. Some guy had a threesome with my girl, and that sucked, but ive had a threesome with two hot girls who will one day be someone elses girls. Its all about finding equality to restore your own self esteem. Morally, im a loser, but this was the only way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I don’t think there is an easy answer. I love my current gf, maybe I’ll marry her someday. She is smart, cute and religious. One of the thighs that that attracted the most to her was what I thought she was more innocent. She was not like the average American girl, she came from an immigrant family (but born here), went to religious school, etc. But eventually I discovered that she was not as innocent as I thought and had sex with three guys before me, including a guy that she barely knew in her first date. To be honest that created a big problem in my head. I felt cheated in a way, it is hard to describe. For quite some time I kind of felt disgusted about her. I felt she was cheap. It took me a lot of work to “conquer” her in the beginning, and the mere fact that she gave away her body so easily to another man left a big scar among my feelings towards her, and made me feel like crap. Sometimes I can not control my anger and I don’t want anything to do with her. Yet I still love her and she has so many good qualities. She feels bad, but I don’t think most women can understand how important innocence can be for a man, and give away that gift and that only gift that can only be given once. This anger led to me cheating on her a couple of times. I feel that I love her and everything but it is not the same anymore, it is really a sad situation. We have been together for a while, and I tried to think of the many good memories we have together but some of that sadness is always in the back of my mind no matter what. That is probably why I am writing here today
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): My husband has slept with over a 100 women before he met me and loved a few of them. I'm not mad about it I just feel disgusted and I refer to all those he has slept with including him "whores" and "prostitutes". To me only whores and prostitues can reach this kind of # because its their job to have as many customers as possible. It's like us hard working people jumping from one job to another or work long hours for more money. I still love my whore tho
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): I really hate this feeling i have. I know exactly what everyone else feels. My girlfriend of a year and 1 month is almost 17. She has admitted to having 4 partners before me, not counting other than sex. that number is probably more than ten. And it sucks so bad, because she tells me that she has never loved anyone as much as me. But what sucks more is, what can i do new with her you know? She's been there done that, how can it be special? and shes only 17! What do i do to get this out of my mind??????
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I've really appreciated all of your insights. One of the things that I've observed is that we are all made differently (emotionally, spiritually etc) in terms of how we react to things. I have no sexual baggage and I don't say that to sound self righteous except to say that I'm struggling with the fact that my girlfriend has had oral sex with multiple guys and it's makes me sick to even think that she would do something that intimate with someone that she hasn't even known but for a few weeks. I find that behavior extremely intimate and I find myself insanely jealous and insecure and do not know what to do about it. I'm glad to know I'm not the only only. But it's a tough line in terms of discussing it b/c you don't want to punish her for what she has done in the past. But when it affects you profoundly it's just so hard to ignore. I guess after reading all of your insights I'm not sure there is a simple answer. I guess I write this as encouragement to know that we are all in different places and one of the common threads is that I've observed is that it's the guys that it bothers not the women. I do believe that this has to be with the issue of consent and a women being the one who gives in so to speak in the sexual act. Just my thoughts...thanks for letting me vent
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): theres no way to forget about the past, thats like asking us to forget about ww2 and hitler..my girlfriend has slept with what she says is 8 men.. she thought she was in love was her response, i guess she always wore her heart on her sleeve..you think you got it bad..I recently came across journals she has kept. every word she has ever told me she has written about another man.. i tend to think her past is due to her low selfesteem issues. it kills me thinking that this perfect woman always sold herself so cheap...just gave it away to these jerks who used her for something. its gotten to the point where i just want to pack my bags and leave. she disgust me sometimes and other times im 100% in love with her. so this is a very difficult thing to go through. I feel for you. if you find a way to get over your girls past please let me know.
good luck friend
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Thanks to everybody for posting their experiences, it's nice to know one isn't alone. I've been obsessing about my girlfriend's fling with one guy, who I happen to know is just looking to screw girls and doesn't respect them. I can't let it go. The idea that she found him appealing, both in terms of personality and sexually, enough to have this thing with him for months makes me nauseous and miserable. Like constantly. And any little thing can set it off. To make matters worse, I know that he is the one who stopped seeing her. She didn't even decide to end it with the idiot. She tells me she knew it wasn't going to go anywhere with him from the beginning, but she was still pissed at how he treated her, which seems like a contradiction.As someone said earlier, only once I really fell for her did this upset me - I also only found out about it after I fell for her. Which has made it harder. I actually think if I'd known about it from the beginning, I wouldn't give a damn.And maybe there's a lesson there for some of us. Just think about the woman you're in love with, because everything about her is what you're responding to - including the part that would do whatever she did in her past that is upsetting you now. Whether she considers it a mistake or just part of life. Respect her for who she is now. Also, people do mature, and it's possible she wouldn't have made the same decision to be with the guy or guys you are obsessing over the day, month, or year she met you. In fact, in my case I have every reason to assume she learned from the experience and is now a more self-respecting person because of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Basically, you'll get over it in time (if you stay together long enough). But right now, you're in the phase where your emotions get the better of you. Not much you can do but stew regardless of advice you'll get, it's a possessive emotion that has the better of you. Maybe asking for details may help in the long run, may drive you mad in the short term, but at least you won't be dreaming things up about her that may never have happened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): hiya mate i've been with my partner for about 15 months now, and have had exactly the same problem with obsessing over past flings she's had. we just got recently engaged and not until about 3 months ago I began to come to terms with her past. just realise it's done, you cant change the past and why should people waste thier time caring about something so irrelevant? people all make mistakes, so dont stress over a few one night stands, besides, it is probably making her feel down as well, and that isnt fair. have some trust, I used to make her feel bad about previous 1 night stands she'd had, it doesn't help a relationship. try and think about good times you've had with her instead, and if it doesn't become less of a problem soon, it will eventually. just remember, it doesn't matter. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I completely understand your question because I am going through the same ordeal. I don't like to think of my soon-to-be wife having been intimate with someone else. At first, I was afraid that one or more of the guys she had been with were larger than me, and imagining her with someone hung better than me was extremely unpleasant. After a LOT of talking, I have learned that I come out on top size-wise, but even this fact has not made accepting her sexual past any easier; but it did let me know that I didn't have THAT to fear. I read a statement on another web page that says "a husband cannot view his wife as God's blessing until he chooses to forgive her".
Also, my soon-to-be wife is not as worried about her past as I am, so I do have feelings of wanting her to suffer as I have over her past - I feel that if I forgive her I would simply be letting her off the hook and that she will never realize how horrible those relationships were for me to deal with and forgive. I wish I had an answer for you, that would bring you some comfort, but I don't. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that forgiveness is much easier said and done. However, we must both learn how to forgive our women. If we don't, that virtually guarantee's failure for the relationship. I am sorry I don't have a comforting answer for you. God bless you and your mate!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): Read the Kuma Satra.... "For True Love to Flourish, the wife must have been enjoyed by multiple lovers and for her lovers to have enjoyed others. Having known high union and low then you can know your path......" Literature, "Fanny Hill" by John Cleland - her original and first lover forgives her for her life as a prostitute.
My own experience? My wife had a difficult life, has slept with over 100+ men, including sleeping with guys for money to pay off debts on a few occasions.
Does it bother me? No! When we met - we just clicked and we have been inseparable, ever since. I know she has had pleasure with very well hung guys ( I am just "average") but she says our love making is spiritual. Infact that she has had these guys, makes her experienced. She knows how to give me seriously good pleasure!
The past is the past. Our friendship is sound and our sex life is faithful to each other. The fact that she has had these guys has made her her! We get on so well. She is my best friend as well - my number one supporter - what more could I ask for. She has tasted every type of chocolate and settled on me!
Anyway life is only once - make the best of it. Enjoy each day as if it was your last. The past is just a figurement of your imagination.
Good luck!
(PS if you get in a obsessional cycle get some CBT!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): This is all a load of rubbish no matter what you do, or how you try and forget it she will allways have slept with all those guys, and it will allways eat away at you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): I googled this question because I'm really struggling with my girlfriends past. You think you've got it bad, she told me she has slept with 136 men!!!!! I'm not kidding and she's had a threesome with two men. It's tearing me apart and she's only 24!!!Thing is i find myself picking arguments about it with her and I know it's not healthy, I know this probably doesnt help your situation but thought I'd share that you're not alone
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): Well, I think a lot of us struggle with this who have a partner who was "adventurous". My boyfriend has told me he had over 50 girlfriends, and that is not counting his flings (granted we are 40) however, this REALLY shook me up and still does. Problem is, THEY really don't want to talk about it, so it's hard to get the processing we need to get over it. He says he's not proud of it (part of me wonders how one can do this that many times if you're not ok with such promiscuity.) So here we are, all trying to cope with the pasts of the one we love. I try to put it out of my mind, but like all the past posters have said, it pops up all the time!! Good luck and much sympathy
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): It is only natural for thoughts of a lover's previous sexual partners to cause pain, anguish, and all sorts of other negative emotions. Although we cannot control the emotions that are triggered by these thoughts, we are however, able to control the thoughts themselves.Think about it: Do you obsessively think about pets or loved ones who you have lost? Do you obsessively think about the countless gut wrenching tragedies and atrocities that occur all over the world EVERYDAY? Why then, should you put so much focus on thoughts of your partner's sexual past when you KNOW that it will just make you feel like hell?I am 27 years old and know that my current girlfriend has been with a lot of other men. It hurts me a great deal when I think about this fact. Although it sometimes pops into my head involuntarily, I try my hardest to not think about it. Honestly, it is my belief that this is the only effective course of action.So don't continually ask your lover about her past. Don't obsess over it when you are alone. Don't think about it at all; period. What's done is done and that will never change. Instead, try and focus your thoughts on the things that made you fall in love in the first place. Think about the present and the future that you will share together. And if you're like me, with time these thoughts that plague you will fade...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Ive slept with other guys, ones that I thought I loved, and now Ive found the one that I REALLY love and want to spend the rest of my life with and I wish more than anything that I could erase what Ive done. I know it hurts him, hes told me, and when hes hurt, I'm hurt. Its eating away at me, probably more than it bothers him. If I had known that some day I would have the perfect man I would have waited...I should have waited...its killing me. I have a hard time forgiving myself because it was my fault..my choice..and now he has to suffer for it. So guys, your girlfriend/wife probably feels horrible too and everytime u obsess over it it probably hurts her a lot more than you..try to just forgive and forget. the past is the past.and theres nothing that can be done to erase it now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): I can sympathize with you completely. I too have fallen in love with a women who has had a slew of liaisons over the years before we met. And not a day goes by that thoughts of her promiscuous past doesn’t cross my mind.
The “right” for women to have a sexual past just as their male counterparts is not the issue. Women enjoy sex just as much as men. And this is only natural. However, women, have complete control over the whole sexual encounter. Sex happens ONLY if THEY want it to. Men must ask for permission. Women need only say yes or no. And it is in this fact alone that men have issues with finding out that the women they love have had a great deal of sexual partners before them. For the one you have fallen in love with to have deemed a great number of men worthy of sharing that kind of intimacy with them in some way or another makes their current mate feel a little insignificant at times.
Having said this, I have taken great comfort in knowing that my girlfriend, who takes pride in the knowledge that she has always been in complete control of her sexuality, and the number of men she has shared that with, has found ME to be the one that has allowed the memory of those before to fade into nothingness. Though I am only one of many who has had sex with her over the course of her life, I’m the only one she feels to be worthy of spending the rest of her life with.
She has asked me to marry her. YES. SHE asked. My girlfriend is a realist. And knowing that she has reached a point in her life that she is willing to forsake all others and spend the rest of her life with only me has helped me grasp a new understanding on sex and love.
Her sexual past bothers me a lot. But like I previously stated; I take great comfort in knowing that , though I have qualms about the life she lead before me, I know that her past experiences have lead her to realize that , when all is said and done, there is ONE man or women out there that completes us.
The road one travels to reach this understanding, at least for some, may have a great deal of twists, turns, and crossroads, ups and downs, that help us become the person that we are today. My girlfriend has walked away from a lot of previous relationships and turned down a lot of men who wanted more than just a “one night rodeo” with her. Her willingness to “fall in love” has come from this road she has walked thus far.
You, my friend, like me, may never be able to get the thoughts of previous liaisons out of your head. It is again, the man in us that finds these thoughts troublesome at times. But know that if she is the right one for you, the thoughts that go through your mind will change from “disgust”, per say, to one of complete understanding and acceptance.
Leave the past in the past. And know nothing but the future with the one you love.
Peace out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): The concept of virginity is one of those old-fashioned rules that the youth of today still find important. Waiting for anything in american culture is seen as unnecessary hardship. That being said my advice is to go someplace that both you and your gf find spiritual and tell her that the past is the past but you have some reservations on her past relationships - ask her where you stand in her life. Your problem is you are letting common doubt and insecurity gnaw away at your heart and soul and in time can actually make you ruin your relationship - instead talk to her ask her make her know what you are thinking before its too late!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): Dude you need to not worry about it because I've had the same problem as well and it eats away at me while I'm at work or pretty much anytime I'm alone and have the chance to think about it. I just think you need to understand that had you been around before in her past, she would have had her first with you. Before she met you, she didn't know the difference and now that she has found you she probably wishes she could erase her past. Hang in there bud
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): OK DUDE..... heres the right answer......Anyone who has a virgin partner SHOULD be pissed at themselves. They did not, and could not wait for something they should have been anticipating all of their life. Giving yourself to a partner is the greatest gift on earth and is not to be brushed off so lightly. Saying "Oh Well, Over and Done With", is like admitting that mistakes are fine and that does not give much room for improvement .. They SHOULD regret it and SHOULD try to make up for it the rest of their life. Although making up for stupid mistakes is impossible, you better try your hardest, it was obviously your fault. Nobody is pressured into sex if it is mutual relations. Every human IS ABLE to wait, but if they choose not to, it is THEIR fault and ONLY their fault. As They make their partner suffer, they should be suffering twice as much, and this is reality. They do not deserve a virgin partner; however, they deserve someone like themselves who is flawed with disease. Having such a pure partner is a gift from God, so much that it is one of his commandments. I would start with an apology.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): I know how you feel about previous sexual partners i am 52 and hav had this problem all my life and it is self destructive and damages real good relasionships in an ideal world one would both be virgins at the start but this does not happen very often and is not a stone wall guarantee that things will work out but it just removes one thing that can cause problems. In my case it only manifests itself when i become close to the women concerned untill then it did not matter how many parteners she had had or with how many at the same time I had tried self help replace negative thoughts with positive ones, running away, burying my head in the sand all to no avail and now fell jealous of men who can accept they parteners sexual past as there past not there present or future and who dont compare themselfs to past lovers performances.. just try soldier on or you will end up like me LONELY and bitter......
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): That is rediculous to think that 'not mentioning' something will help you forget about it. I have never flat out told my girlfriend of 1.5 years that she was my first. She had one previous sexual relationship in highschool, with whom she says she 'thought she was in love with' but 'wasn't'. I am insanely jealous of this, hatefull even. To think of her having sex with someone else who she thought she was in love with eats away ate me. I know she loves me, and I really wish I could change that one thing about her past. We've had one conversation about this where she didn't divulge much of that relationship. It's not a problem of this comming up in our conversations, it's that it is IN MY HEAD so deep.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): On the opposite end, I have a husband and I was his "first" everything as well. I had previous sexual partners and I still feel really guilty and angry about it. Now that I've met him I really wish that he would have been my first and I also feel really bad that he knows he's not the only one that I've had (even though it would have saved us both a lot of heartache if he was). He says he has forgiven me that and is over it but conversly I find that I'm not. I feel very vengeful towards my exes and i I have a hard time forgiving myself as well. I am very angry and still do not know what to do about my anger even though I have tried letting it go and not having it eat away at me. I hope it goes away but I don't know if it ever actually will. The others weren't worth it at all but as they say "when you know better, you do better."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): my partner has had a bit more sexual expierence than myself being 7 years older i love her she has had some long term relationships and boyfriends whom she slept with she is quite choosy and i accept these ex partners as part of here history she told me that she had had a mff threesome whilst drunk on spirits and smoking weed but nothing happened as she didnt want anything too she now says she went "all the way" and was lucky not to have caught a sti or got pregnant this has hurt me iam losing sleep and my stomach is churning its the lies how many more things hasn't she told me anybody got similar exp please help
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): Two sexual partners is nothing. Be grateful she hasn't had 5 or 10 or too many to even count. It sounds like your girlfriend is quite selective about who she sleeps with, so she must think you're pretty special.
The best way to not obsess over her ex-boyfriends is, now that you know they exist, to just stop discussing them. She probably thinks about them less than you do, so it shouldn't be hard from her end of things. If neither of you mention these guys except on some highly-necessary basis, you'll find that they'll just slip out of your thoughts a little more with each passing day until you don't even care about them any more.
This isn't the same as denying that she's had other boyfriends (although its close), but if the information makes you upset, it's your right to remain as blissfully ignorant as you like.
Try it.
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