A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't no what 2 do, my man think's all I'm good for is clean cook and if he not like what I say 2 him I get hit. But he blames me and said if I do what I am told he will not get cross with me and he will not do it 2 me. So is it me that makes him go that way? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): The first thing I am going to say is "GET OUT BEFORE YOUR DEAD" No one deserves to be hit by anyone. He is a sick puppy and gets off by using you as a punchung bag. Its not your fault. A lot of people who are togeather have problems and they don't go around hitting each other. The Dumn Ass has no respect for anyone but himself. Lossing your selfespect ( and it looks to me as you are) is not worth it. You sound like a vibrent woman and a smart one at that, except in this case. Get out while you still can. The heart heals so don't worry.
A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (15 March 2011):
please leave asap if you have kids take them with you and don't look back or you will end up dead and your kids have no mum. My dad used to beat my mum black and blue he left her for dead when she was 7 months preggers and a few years later he tried to cut of her head with an axe whilst me and my sister were next to her mum pushed us out of the quickly to save all our lives that left me deaf but my mum alive she left dad two weeks later before he got bailed NO-ONE SHOULD STAY WITH A VIOLENT PARTNER MALE/FEMALE.
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A
male
reader, Jackalus +, writes (15 March 2011):
He has no right to lay his hands on you not matter what. And both of you have a duty to not cheat and stay loyal but he shoul never touch you
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (15 March 2011):
 hi
no it is not your fault that he hits you - it is HIS fault but he is, with the beatings and abuse CONDITIONING you into thinking it is your fault. i hope you get away from him as soon as you can. life does not have to be like this!
xx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (15 March 2011):
 It the mindset of the abuser to blame someone else. You are not with a 'man' - you are with a coward who picks on you as he sees you as his property, not his lady. He has deep psychological problems as all perpetrators of domestic violence do. You contribute to the situation by staying with him. In his mind, that means you accept being beaten and you are a willing party who agrees to punishment. He doesn't even seem sorry afterwards which is because he thinks he is right. You don't leave so this is normal for him.
Only specialist treatment can help him. By leaving you send a message about the nature of his behaviour, as well as recognising how mentally ill he really is. By staying you put yourself in danger of very serious harm or death. If you ever have children with this man, they will be at risk too. Single life is better than being a slave to someone who doesn't respect you and may end your life prematurely.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 In a way it IS your fault that he hits you. You are within hitting distance. Get the heck away from him and let him find another punching bag who will cook his slop and clean up his messes.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (15 March 2011):
No. It's not you. And failing to understand this will make you stay in danger. Violence is not allowed at any level. You have to leave right now. I mean, after you read this message you leave and get help from ANYONE. You don't even take a thing with you. Once you got help, you can come back to the house with someone else. Not by yourself.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 March 2011):
 No it is not you who causes this abuse.
An abuser abuses because of an inadequacy within the abuser.
Unfortunately the abuser often selects a person who the abuser thinks will be easy to abuse. Pretty disgusting of the abuser, hey?
And the person they choose to abuse is often a very capable person with great skills. And then the abuser sets about criticizing and undermining the victim, so that the victim starts to doubt themselves, and loses confidence in themselves, as a direct result of the domestic abuse by the abuser.
The one doing the ABUSING of the victim thinks everything has to be CONTROLLED by the Abuser. That is absolutely everything. Irrational of the abuser? Yes. Yes. Yes.
In this instance the abuser is your husband. He is wrong to abuse you.
He has no right to abuse you.
But he will not believe that he is wrong to do what he does.
HE IS doing the WRONG thing!
He abuses you because he thinks he has a right to do so.
Of course that is a rubbish assumption on his part. He has no right to hit you.
In the English film 'Shirly Valentine' the heroine was 'put upon' by her family. It was not abuse as bad as what you are suffering. But the film might inspire you to realise that women do break free from bad situations.
What you are being subjected to is Domestic Violence.
Google what local services are available in your area, to help you deal with Domestic Violence. There may be a support group you can talk to in your area?
How long has the abuse continued? I only ask this, because recent, (just started) abuse, could mean that you might be in shock, but still have enough self esteem intact to leave.
But if the abuse has continued for a very long time then you will be in need of extra support, this is because domestic abuse strips away the victim's confidence in themselves. Making it harder to leave, the longer the abuse continues.
Don't threaten to leave. Although leaving may be an option, do discuss all the ways to best protect you, when you identify a support group that you think will be right for you, and will be able to help you..
Now the good thing is that many victims of domestic abuse often DO get the courage, with proper support, to get away from the abuse.
Sometimes the abuser does realise they are in the wrong, and agrees to counselling. But beware of the abuser being to quick to promise they will never do it again.
Counselling for the abuser is very hard work, because the abuser may have been a bully since childhood, and so be harder to fix or improve.
Get some local support. Find out how to keep yourself safe. Find out how to improve your confidence in yourself. But do get some support as soon as possible.
Domestic Abuse/ Domestic Violence is a danger to you physically and mentally and spiritually.
It is unacceptable.
You are NOT the problem. He is.
I do hope things work out for the best for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I'm for women's rights. No man should hit a women regardless of the situation. I am not sexist in any way but women are more nimble, smaller and sensitive than males so who gave man the right to hit out. You don't deserve to be hit. This man of yours seems very sexist and old fashioned, making you cook and clean and then abusive if you don't do it right? If you could get an evidence of him doing this I would get the police involved. He seems a very violent man and it could get worse. Get out of it while you can. If you can't because you love him just replay images in your head of when he hits you and it will turn into hate. I don't think you want to confront him. Many may say it's the right thing to do but if he's violent already he may really hit out. I'd speak to a close male friend who might be able to fight your corner or any relatives or as I said even police. No man should hit a women, it's just immoral and disgusting!
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A
female
reader, lerato29  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 no its not your fault this man is abusive,you need to ask yourself that is this the way you want to live the rest of your life.Put a stop to it itherwise it will get worse.
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