A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I’m older than him. He is 23 and I am older. So if you are the kind of person who doesn’t understand the older woman, younger man relationship doesn't respond I’m looking for help and information. Not “advice” that’s not going to help me, at all. When I wake in the morning it feels like I’m the only one who wants sex. Anytime we have sex it’s because I mentioned it and even then it seems like he really don’t want to. When we do have sex he’s not as enthusiastic as before. He never wants sex on his own.I tested him once before without him knowing. I wanted to see how long he could go without sex. We went a whole month and a few days before I just got mad and said something about it. I really don’t understand this he makes me feel bad about myself. Nobody has ever been this way with me. I look really young for my age. If you didn't know us you would think we were around the same age.When we tell people how old I am they’re shocked. Guys I run are attracted to me. He said he wants to marry me. I’ve gotten mad and told him to leave many times n he won’t go. I don’t understand how he can be so young and not have any sex drive I have a nice shape. I know looks are not everything so I’m not just going on that. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or if it has anything to do with me at all. Can someone tell me if you can? What’s the problem, is it me? I’m annoyed that I have to masturbate instead. I got upset I told him.This is too much for me. I feel so low, and it’s not ok to be begging for sex. What’s going???
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Do you know what he was like in past relationships? That could help. The guy I was with admitted he rarely had sex with his ex (he thought they did it a normal amount but to me it seemed like hardly anything) so I realised it was normal for him to not want sex that often. He genuinely had a low sex drive. If you both had a low sex drive this wouldn't be a problem!
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 March 2013):
I agree w SVC below. Not working IMO is sign of low testoserone. Low T means low sex drive. One thing about being a man is the need to work and provide. Its one evolutionary relic that serves us well today. I think a man who doesnt work can never be a real man. JMO.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 OP your follow up tells me something important HE IS NOT WORKING. For men in general work is very much part of their makeup. Contributing to running the home financially is important to most men.
IF he is not working perhaps that’s having a MAJOR impact on his libido.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour answers or very helpful,maybe if i tell a lil more you ll understand better.i dnt think hes cheating,at this time neither of us has a job,hes here all day everyday.he said being around me all day doesnt bore him.so i just dnt understand.the last guy i dated was younger too n we did it all the time.there wasnt a day tht went by tht we didnt do it.im really tired of this.if i stay with him i ll go crazy,just to know tht im with someone who doesnt even want to have sex with me is driving me crazy.i ve stop talking to him since i started this pg.im at the point where i dnt even want to fix this.im a faithful woman n i ve always been.i dnt even know if i love him anymore.to be a woman n have to ask your man y he doesnt want to have sex with u is unheard of.most guys will sleep with anything.i might even hate him now
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): That's the ugly truth,which is too obvious,it's either :
He is cheating on you OR he's still with you for some financial reasons.
I'm speaking from a personal experience,I was in a relationship with a much older man,I'm only 22,and I kept pulling him away from me&was physically distant to him(up to 2months) because I didn't really love him..and he just couldn't let go of me because he cared about me!while at the mean time,i was seeing someone else,trust me at his age,he should be sexually active,he's still really young,this itself poses a question!!!
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female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (18 March 2013):
As other aunts have suggested,it could be a medical problem. Otherwise, if he feels no desire at all, he could be asexual. Unfortunately, if that's the case you'll have to decide whether to stay with him for other reasons, or to break up because of your incompatibility.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the response.it feels gud to have sum1 u can talk to that dont know u.i ve sat down n talk with him about this many times bt the sex is still the same.its like when we do do it hes only doing it for me.while we are having sex he acts like its just too gud,he moans n talks dirty to me,he stops alot cus if he didnt it would be over quick.i asked him,if i still turned him on,he said yes,that he loves me n im the best but to me it seems like something is wrong.i told him that i cant take this.i dont know a man that wouldn wanna sleep with me every and any chance he gets,if i started talking to someone else i know for a fact i would leave him.im no cheater,i just feel so low to be a female an older female that has a man who doesn't want sex.now that he knows how i feel,he ask me all the time am i ok n he tells me he loves me.sex isnt everything bt at this point its playing a major part in the reason why i want to end this relationship.heres something else i didnt tell you all.last year we had sex while i was on my period,i know that may seem gross to you bt anyways, he said he had never done that before.i notice that since then,hes like a dog when he knows im on it.this is the only time he has no problem getting it up.that was our first n only time doing it.i think its strange how he likes to be all up on me at that time of month.so i wonder what yall think about that.let me know something.by the way,im glad i signed up.this site n the people on it really seems like people who truly care.thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Not everyone have high sex drive. My husband for example, when we met he was oy 25, and we didn't have sex every day even then. When I shared that with my friend she was shocked and said that her and her boyfriend do it several times a day. I thought for a long time that we are not normal until I found out that having sex even once a week is very normal.
Going more than a month though I think it's an extreme. That's deffinitely a very long time being that age. It might be that he masturbates a lot.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 March 2013):
 There could be lots of things going on here. It is definitely unusual for a man his age to be that uninterested in sex.
Here are some suggestions / comments:
1) Is he gay or have gay tendencies? Perhaps he isn't interested in women at all.
2) Is he attracted or interested in you (outside of sex)? Perhaps your relationship has reached its end and emotionally he feels disconnected and just wants out.
3) Have you spoken to him about his lack of interest? Have you expressed your concerns and feelings? He may be clueless or thinks you aren't interested in sex. He could also fear being too pushy.
4) Is he into porn? Perhaps he is taking care of himself too much that he doesn't have the energy to provide for you.
5) Do you suspect he may be with someone else or perhaps cheating?
Sex is an important part of a relationship and if it isn't working during the dating period, it probably won't work in the future. If you are feeling neglected, it may be time for you to ask if it is worth continuing to invest more time and energy into a relationship that is leaving you feeling frustrated and unloved.
However, before you make that decision, I think you need to do some detective work and figure out what the source of the problem is -- and why he isn't meeting you half way in solving it as well. You could simply be dating someone who clearly isn't on the same level as you are in the sex department.
Eddie
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2013):
It's not you it's him. I know that does not help but if he has a lower sex drive than you, there is not much you can do.
I'm 53 and i could go most days.. .my 39 yr old hubby... not so much.... so we go weeks and months without any sexual contact.... but we cuddle and kiss daily so I'm ok with it...
If he's not under tremendous stress at work/school, if he's not on medication that causes decreased libido or inhibits orgasm (which if you have inhibited orgasm, even with drive WHY BOTHER IF YOU CAN'T GET TO THE FINISH LINE) then you have two choices
1. leave him as your sex drives are not compatible
2. learn to live with a man who has a much lower drive than you.
you said "he makes me feel bad about myself." I don't think this is an accurate statement. HE does NOT make YOU feel bad about yourself... YOU are interpreting his behavior in a way that makes YOU feel bad about yourself.
OWN your feelings and do not blame them on someone else's behavior.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 He could be using a lot of porn. Have you asked him?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 It's not you, some people do have a low sex drive. And when two partners have different sex drives it always becomes a problem. Some are able to solve that problem, but most aren't, because in order to solve it you need to compromise, and few people are willing to do that.
When one partner has a low sex drive and the other a higher sex drive it creates many problems in the relationship. Problems which you have described. It makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel neglected, makes you feel unwanted and unattractive. But you aren't, and it's not a reflection on you. It's just the way he is, he's someone who isn't that interested in sex in general. He could be with a younger girlfriend and the problem would still be the same, so it's not about your age. He could be with any woman of any size and it'd be the same, so it's not about your body. He's just not that interested in sex....
So what can you do? Well either you compromise or you end the relationship. A compromise would be you going with less sex than you want, or him compromising to have more sex than what he originally feels like. Mind you, he wont initiate sex even if he compromises, as it wont fall natural to him to initiate. So things will still be difficult as you'd not feel wanted if you always have to be the one to initiate. Alternatively, he can compromise on doing more intimate things together that doesn't involve intercourse or oral sex. Perhaps make out sessions, or showers together, or cuddling and hugging?
But I don't think compromising is what will make you or him happy in the long run. I had a boyfriend once with a lower sex drive than me, and it made me feel the exact same way you feel. I thought I'd get through it because I loved him, and I could compromise, and sex isn't everything in a relationship... But sex is a lot in a relationship even so. We broke up, and afterwards I see I was fooling myself for thinking I could compromise my sex life. He barely ever initiated, he barely ever went down on me, he was unenthusiastic in bed, without passion, and it was boring. I'm sure he didn't feel that way about it, as his sex drive was lower he probably felt he had a great sex life. But to me it wasn't. And now I am happy I didn't stay with him, because in the long run it'd make me miserable. Imagine... feeling like you're feeling now for the rest of your life? No amount of love you have for this man will make up for this unhappiness.
Never mind the age difference, that is totally irrelevant to this. My boyfriend who had a lower sex drive was also younger than me, only by 3 years, but he was 19 when we got together and 21 when we broke up... So if you think young men all have a high sex drive think again. And my ex boyfriend even used to brag about landing girls and how much casual sex he had.. making it sound as if he loved sex. But really he wasn't all that interested and all the girls he had sex with before were just to look good in front of peers I think. The first time me and him had sex was great, because that's the only time he was passionate. After that it dropped pretty fast and I always had to initiate.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 March 2013):
 My thoughts would either be medication or excessive porn use. Other than that he should probably get checked by a doctor to check his hormone levels. Low sex drive is one thing, NO sex drive is another.
Whatever it is, I'm fairly certain that it's not about you. It's not about him not finding you attractive enough for him because otherwise, he wouldn't be with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 March 2013):
I have no real idea what his problem is. Maybe he just has a naturally low sex drive. I'm sure that it's not you at all. My girlfriend is older than me, and we don't have this problem.
My feelings are that maybe he's either not bothered by sex, too immature to understand relationships, or that he's (depending how old you are), looking for a mother figure rather than an actual girlfriend. There also seem to be problems whereby you're telling him to leave, but he won't go, and also now because of the lack of sex and intimacy, there's anger that won't help the situation.
I think that rather than worry about the sex, you need to sit down and talk to him about the whole relationship. It doesn't really seem to be working out at the moment, and maybe you need to just have a calm chat about your expectations. If that doesn't work, and he still shows no interest, then maybe you need to find someone you're more compatible with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): It could be a actual medical condition called low testosterone levels. This can be quickly remedied. I am only about a couple years older than your boyfriend and in the morning is when I am most active because a lot of males are like that. My girlfriend never complains and since we don't go to school or work till later in the day we are intimate and it works out fine. Sometimes my girlfriend gets real tired because of presentation and exams etc going on and then we have just hold sessions and no sex. Oh yes he will have to give a blood sample to get that tested I believe.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (17 March 2013):
I've been with a man like that before, he does just sound like he has a low sex drive, it's rare on men but it does happen. It's not about how you look etc, he clearly loves you, but he has a low sex drive.
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