A
female
age
41-50,
*brott
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years and I have had more hurtful situation occur than any one couple ever should. At 2 months our daughter was removed from our custody. It was caused from him drinking and my choosing to stay with him. We together tried to get her back but unsuccessfully we did not. During this time while our daughter was 4 months old I became pregnant again with our son which at first he wanted to abort. We chose an open adoption and I feel it was the best choice even though it really hurt us. Well my son was born in June last year and now I find myself pregnant again by the same man that has since the beginning has not worked nor stayed sober or not violent towards me. I recognize my faults as much as I can (I know there are many) but we went from a relationship that was rocky to him find out I'm pregnant and now hates me. I am on the outs with my family for reason of choosing him over myself. I do love him and wish we could get along but I know I need to move on and raise this new baby alone. Please help with advice and word it gently
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Step ONE... get thee to Al-anon ASAP....seek support there to cope with being the partner of an alcoholic.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Step Two... accept that your love is not enough (our love never is) and that you must walk away from him. ONCE you know you will do it and stick to it and not let him "romance his way back in" go to your family and say "I"m breaking free, I've joined Al-Anon, I'm going to find a counselor and I know I need support... I would really like us to reconcile and get support from my family... I wanna come home"
If my child was being disowned for making bad choices (as sometimes parents have to do as helping just makes it worse) and came to me contrite and admitting fault and actually TRULY doing the work needed to get out and get on with life, I would gladly welcome them with open arms on the condition that the new (good) behavior MUST continue.
If you do this and promise to toe the line and end it with him totally perhaps your parents would let you come stay with them while you get it together.
I know you love him. And I won't question that (as I too love an active alcoholic but I have no children with him and my kids are grown and out of my home) but I qill ask you what parts of him in his active state do you love?
Is your daughter still in foster care? will you be getting her back?
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 March 2013):
Planned parenthood has free birth control, fyi.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): First off, you need to learn to love yourself. As a wise drag queen said, "If you don't love yourself, how the hell you're going to love anybody else?!" The first thing you need to do is seek help from your local battered women's shelter. You can usually obtain that information from you're local law enforcement agency. Next get counseling. There is something that is causing this behavior and it didn't just start with him. Until you get to the root of the problem, you will repeat this behavior in other relationships in the future. If you want to get you're daughter back as well as keep the child you're pregnant with, you're going to have to leave. There is no other way to put this. Yes easier said than done. From you're post, you KNOW this is not a healthy relationship. You see he's not changing. You are going to have to leave. If you really want this child , you're going to have to put your child's needs above you're own and be the best parent you can be and give him/her the best life possible. Isn't you're child worth that? Aren't you worth that? I hope this helps. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I wouldn't know the best approach for you, as the situation is different in your country than in mine. I don't know what places you can turn to in USA to get help. But one place in universal, and that is family and friends. Turn to your family. Ask them to help you out in leaving him, maybe help with a temporary place to stay until you got things sorted out.
You say you're on outs with your family because you chose him over yourself and your own children. However now the situation has changed, and I am thinking you need to give them a chance to help you out. Family will always be family, and I think they will help if you dare ask for help.
Perhaps once you've got things sorted out, and have settled in a new home for you and your new baby, you can try to get your daughter back? Look forwards and towards the positive times ahead, such as you and your new baby being happy and safe, away from a negative home with alcohol. Things will change now that you have decided to take action, and things will change for the better.
An alcoholic man who does not work and only drinks up your money is unreliable. Without him you will have a much more stability in your life, you will have a better economy too, as now you can use money on necessities rather than alcohol. You will also provide a safe home for your new baby, something you couldn't provide if you stayed with the alcoholic man. So good things are ahead. It'll be difficult, as change always is difficult, but you will get through it.
Contact your family and tell them your plans and ask for help. There is no shame is asking for help, because you know you need it. But if they can not or will not help you, do not despair, there are others who will help you. I am sure the other aunts on here have more detailed advice on what you can do.
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