A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am really frustrated in my relationship. My girlfriend of 4 years I feel doesn't make effort. Or maybe it's me? We used to have a lot of sex, nearly daily. As routines changed this has reduced which is normal. Now in a week it's once and if I wake up horny and jus ask for a hand down there she starts making excuses. Than of course I get annoyed because she doesn't realise but she spends 10 mins of excuses when I could of been done in that time. I understand she may not want sex but how do I satisfy myself. I don't watch porn, she hates it. I mean we barely kiss. If I mention it, well typical girl just starts complaining and moaning. Yet if I ask her she wants to go shopping or go out to eat. So she gets what she wants, we go out, socialise, etc. But when it comes to me I'm seriously unsatisfied. My only option is to stop asking and train myself to think of other things. Like get up go gym. But she can't change her mind randomly because that will frustrate me. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2016): The other answers are right when they say that sex shouldn't be traded for shopping or dinners. You should be willing to do things like that even if she wasn't doing everything you want right then.
The part that some other comments are leaving out is that it works both ways. Your GF should not be withholding affection and sex unless she gets shopping & socializing & dinners. She should be willing to do it even if you weren't always doing everything she wants right then.
But from what you say it's even worse than that. Your GF isn't even showing you affection and sex while you DO make efforts for her, let alone if you didn't always match her efforts. This situation sounds completely unbalanced.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): Well I've thought about this and I can kind of see where your logic is coming from. You think "I hate shopping and socialising but I do it to keep my girlfriend happy therefore she should do something to keep me happy (eg a 10 min hand job)". Is that right?The problem is that the two aren't really comparable. I am much older than you and in the old days men expected to take women out, pay and get sex in return. A lot of women (me included) weren't happy with this arrangement and thankfully that attitude doesn't prevail anymore.For a successful relationship what should happen is that sometimes you go out and do what she wants to do and sometimes what you want to do. Does that happen?When it comes to sex though I think that's different as no-one wants to be pestered into doing something they aren't comfortable with and feel used. It should be mutually beneficial.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 September 2016):
 She doesn't owe you sex when she's not in the mood, OP. You wake up with it, you handle it. Consent is important and she doesn't wake up in the mood, so she doesn't want to consent.
Not only that, but "typical girl just starts moaning and complaining"? OP, you need to grow up and stop with the sexist attitude - you may not realise it's sexist, but you're acting like you're entitled to her relieving you sexually when you wake up with an erection because she's your girlfriend, but you don't even want to ask if she's in the mood or would like anything done to her.
I think you need a good chat about it without whining or blaming her. Then decide if you still want to be together - you say nothing of loving her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2016):
 It's you.
I totally agree with Honeypie : the reason why she spends 10 minutes making excuses must be because you spend 10 minutes asking and insisting. She should need NO excuses, and zero minutes. The excuse ( the reason,actually ) is that she does not want to perform sexual acts when a) she is not in a sexual mood b ) the sexual act will involve her just like a mechanical tool to relieve you physically.
We cannot blame you for waking up with a hard-on, that's nature and hormons. But, precisely, it's a physiological urge , just like the stimulus to pee. It's not about love or connection or erotism or sensuality etc.- it has nothing to do with her. If you woke up with a strong urge to pee, you would not be mad , I guess, if she does not take an active interest in that , and is not quick to follow you in the bathroom to help you holding your penis .
DIY. If you wake up horny and you just need a quick relief, without going to all the trouble to warm her up and engage her psichologically too, - remove yourself to the bathroom and take care of business . What's porn got to do with everything, you millennials can't even masturbate anymore without visual aids ?- like millions of males have always done before Internet was invented ?
Your expectation that your gf, just because you date / live together , owes you sexual services on request, as a sort of live-in sexual maid , made me half mad .. and half laugh. You are obviously so sincere in your entitlement, so genuine in your clueless disappointment... like a 4 y.o. child who honestly cannot understand WHY mom does not jump up and drops immediately everything she is doing every time the child calls her ( which is, 10 times an hour.. :) ... that 's even cute . But , apparently, not so cute for your gf.
What does it mean that she gets to shop,or to go to restaurants ?
I bet she does not ask you to go shopping every single day first thing in the morning, when you are barely awake. And I am pretty sure ( at least, I hope for you ) that if you say : no honey, not today , she does not go on and on and on until she has broken down your resistences and worn you out.
Mind you, said that, it is quite possible that there actually ARE problems in your sex life. Maybe the sex has dwindled because the relationship itself is on its last legs, or because sex has become too routine and boring, or because , alas, your sex drives were, or have become ,very mismatched with scarce chances of a compromise.
So, your current sexual difficulties may, or may not, be a bad omen for the future of this relationship, you'll have to talk about it and think about it .
But, mandatory handjobs because you wake up feeling scrotum-heavy ? .... I am afraid that , also in future, you would have to PAY for this kind of service...
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus +, writes (24 September 2016):
 The fact is you see sex as a treat for you and going out to eat and socialising is her treat. that might just be the root of all your problems !Sex is your thing ain't it? is it one of the few things you guys do together that you actually enjoy? is there anything else you lot do together satisfying you? is it all just for her, is the rest of your relationship just one big ploy for you to get sex? you taking her out to the movies and putting out with her friends, buying her food etc all so you can get a few hand job, a bj now and again and maybe some hanky panky...and she isn't putting out so you are mad ! how dear she after you fed her and took her out for a walk and all that !the problem might just be very simple, instead of waking her up so she can take care of you wake her up by caressing her and putting her in the mood.Do you like being woken up because it is your turn to do something for someone else? and as soon as you open your eyes they are pestering you to get it over and done with... I personally know that being woken up to go do a chore is a complete mood killer.simple if you wake up in the mood and she doesn't it is on your turf to get her to the same level you are at and sitting there asking her to wank you off isn't working.I can just imagine waking up only to be told that there is something I need to take care off first thing in the morning. Seeing how you don't even bother to make it a little bit romantic it sounds as exciting as having to wake up to walk the dog.Your approach isn't working because of your mentality you assume that if you take her out to eat and stuff that she'll put out. You probably have read advice on how to keep your woman interested in sex or how to bring the spark back in your relationship; and i bet plenty of them advise you to romance her and still court them just like you did when you met her. Well it is true, it is important to keep the romantic side going but not just by going out on dates, bring the same willingness in the bedroom, if you want to get orgasms offer orgasms see if that works!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): Would you allow her to say "no eating food alone or with anyone else" while she also refused to eat with you?
Her attitude about this not reasonable. Don't put up with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 So because you wake up with a hard-on she is to provide instant gratification for you? No bother warming HER up or even asking if she is in the mood?
How gracious of you to let her jerk you off in bed when she wakes up! You know you have 2 hands right?
My guess is she spend 10 minutes making up excuses because YOU spend 10 minutes pressuring her into doing what YOU wanted.
Taking her out to dinner or whatnot doesn't mean she OWES you sex, or that sex should be on tap for you.
You say you can't mention it because she then starts to mian.. again I can only guess, but my guess is that you pout and whine about her not doing what YOU want. That is NOT having a conversation. That is one person trying to manipulate the other.
I had a BF who thought foreplay was him poking me in the back with a hard on. Seriously. He thought waking me up at 3 am would make me want to jump him and "service" him immediately. It didn't. It only made me NOT want to have sex with him and NOT want to spend the night. A hard-on is NOT foreplay. Women don't get SO excited that they just want to have sex with a guy. Women usually take a little bit of a warm up and JUST like guys we HAVE to be in the mood.
You have been with her for 4 years and you can't even have a conversation to figure out what's up with the decline in sex?
I'm not saying this is ALL your fault, BUT you come off as you being sexually satisfied is her JOB in the relationship. And that is sad.
Either she was NEVER really into sex, but played the part to keep you happy for 4 years and has now had enough. Her sex drive might also BE lower. She can't and shouldn't HAVE to force herself to have sex if she isn't wanting it... should she?
OR she is left unsatisfied herself sexually and thus sex isn't really as fun anymore. What exactly does she "get" out of giving you a morning hand job? She gets sticky hands... that's all... Do you think that makes her feel sexy? or attractive? She could be a walking fleshlight for all you care, goodness sake.
You NEED to have an ADULT conversation about it, preferably one where you don't lead with I buy anything you want and pay for anything but YOU won't give me sex! More along the lines of, I feel like we are not really sexually compatible anymore, I miss the sex-life we used to have, the level of intensity, the level of fun in the bedroom. Is that something we can work on together? Are there things YOU need from me when it comes to sex? And these are MY needs.
Maybe she needs more intimacy like cuddling without YOU presuming that cuddling, kissing, giving a massage, a snuggle should LEAD straight to sex. That might also BE why she is withholding kissing etc. Because she knows that you will go straight from kissing to wanting sex. For her (at least) that may NOT be what she wants EVERY time. Maybe she wants to be wooed a bit more in the bedroom.
You won't know UNLESS you can HAVE this conversation with her.
And who knows? Maybe on a scale from 1-10, you are an 8 on a "libido chart" and she is a 2. So maybe... you two are JUST not compatible in the sex area anymore. Which means you two have to figure out what to do about that or what the next step should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2016): She sounds like a lucky girl to have a guy with a high sex drive.
Maybe just stop asking her and see if she starts wanting it. I usually withdraw. NOT TO PLAY GAMES but if my man starts to neglect my needs I start to do same because I am focusing more on myself now to full fill my needs if he cant.
Stop pleasing her. Focus on self improvement. Then you will see she will running back to you, trying to win you back. Good luck. Dont play games, but dont argue about it either. Sometimes its best to self reflect, focus on yourself and just improve everything you have going for you.
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