A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've got a Fwb relationship that's been on going for quite some time now. Roughly 10 months. We have been friends since 2012 but the sleeping together started last November. This is not your typical fwb relationship. I've never had a relationship quite like ours before. We would spend most all of our free time together and go out of town together. We were best friends who also had sex. Which I think is important to keep in mind as I continue on, so as to not really compare it to casual f*ck buddies who aren't close at all. We are very close friends. Best friends.That being said, the last month has been very upsetting and frustrating for me. I've been feeling like I'm being completely blown off, which is something I've never felt before until now. She always made a point to hang out with me and we spent most every off day together. But lately, literally every single time I ask her to do something, the answer is always no. That's never happened before. Last night I asked her to come over. She said she couldn't, and that tonight would be better for her. Tonight rolls around and she says she's just really tired and would rather stay in. We had also planned for a beach trip in two weeks, which I requested off work for, and last night, I mention it and she says she doesn't think she has the money to go anymore. This is nonstop for about three weeks now and I don't know what to do. If we weren't such good friends, I wouldn't care. But this is quite upsetting.I don't believe it's that she's seeing anyone else. And I also don't believe she's bored of the sex. I have no idea what the problem is, but what I do know is that I'm really tired of being blown off. After she cancelled tonight, it was kind of the final straw for me. I just stopped responding through text. I didn't know what to say back as I've already communicated this issue to her numerous times. I'm to the point where I'm just ready to let the relationship go completely. I'm sure she thinks I'm just mad, as she said she knew I would be for her cancelling and that she was really sorry and it was nothing in regards to us. But really I'm just reevaluating our entire relationship. I don't know that I think it's worth holding on to anymore. How should I handle this? Do I just ignore her from here on out and let her go? Do I bother explaining myself again for the thousandth time, despite her already knowing? Do I give her a reason why I'm ignoring her then continue ignoring her to move on? I'm not angry, I'm just to the point where I'm done. I've got plenty of friends who don't blow me off, I don't need this one so badly as to continue letting her make me feel like shit. Help with how to proceed would be great. Sorry so long. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): You have two choices.Either you live with it or you don't.You accept the situation as it is and your friend as she is or you leave and find yourself a person who is relationship material and wants all the same things you do.Cut your expectations and distance your emotions. Are you able to enjoy the physical side of the relationship without these emotional complications?I don't think it will be so easy for you. You care about her and are more invested than she is. So your feelings are starting to get in the way. They will cause problems between you. Tension. Arguments. Conflict. Resentment. You will resent her because she won't return your feelings. She will resent you for pressuring her into something she cannot/will not give you and for feeling inadequate because you need more from her. Because she cannot meet your expectations. She cannot return your feelings. She cannot be as invested in you as you are in her. It is uneven. Your needs are not all being fulfilled. It seems hers are. They are just sexual. Relationships are much more than sex. Many of us think we can handle just the one component which is sex. And we start out with the best of intentions. Likely we are already hooked on the person and secretly hoping that the sex will cause them to have feelings for us. But time and again we see here on DC and in real life that emotions complicate it all. And precipitate the downfall of the arrangement eventually. They all end this way. Because if it was true love, your partner would have chosen to be with you by now and would have committed to you. And the proof would be in her actions. There would be no doubt on your side. She would be more consistent. Wanting to spend more time with you. Moving heaven and earth to be with you. She would not blow you off. Clearly when she is in the mood for sex, you are at the forefront of her thoughts. But when she is not in the mood, she has placed you in a box out of sight until she needs you again. That is painfully tough to handle when you have genuine feelings for a person. Knowing they are using you for one thing and when its convenient. And then they have no use for you. Even though you are a package. You have so many great qualities and a good heart. They might see it. They might not. But they aren't in it for that. They don't care. And you start to feel undervalued. That you are worth MORE. And so it becomes a constant tug of war. You are trying to prove to her you are worthy. Worthy of a relationship. Worthy of all her time. But she never sees it. She continuously makes you feel low. Bad about yourself. And the more she pushes away, the more you try to pull her closer. And fight to convince her to love you. But you cannot convince anyone to love you no matter what you do. So one day you just get tired of it. You have no more fight left in you. And you just give up. You become numb to them. The wall you have been subconsciously building all along has become high enough to keep them out. And the sad part is when you walk away and your heart is in pieces, they will continue with their lives and not give you one second thought. Because they, unlike you, have managed to keep their feelings out of it. For the record, I am not sure how anyone can do that. And for them, it will be onto the next while you are broken and destroyed. FWB is not a good situation for good hearted people who are sensitive to emotions and love. They are the ones who are hurt the most. And I am sorry you are going through this. You need to make a choice. Stay and change your expectations and do not make her the centre of your universe. Or leave and find someone you can have a relationship with that meets all your needs which are emotional and not just sexual. But talking about it and trying to change her will only put you in this constant spiral of feeling low and devastated. It will never change. She will never change. If you really wanted to be brave (and risk losing what you have) you could come out and ask her if she wants to become serious and tell her what you are really, truly feeling. Get it all out there. Maybe if she understood her actions are hurting you she might think twice about how she is treating you. I suspect you both want different things. Usually when a relationship becomes more painful and hurtful than happy it is time to say goodbye. You cannot go on allowing it to tear away at your soul everyday. It takes a toll on your mental and physical health. This is not healthy for you. I wish I could give you better news but I have been there and done that. I was in your shoes too. :(
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 You say it was a FWB but the way you talk about it sounds like you are in a relationship with her. It could be it is to much for her now and that is why she is backing off. Believe me you cannot go back to being just friends after having sex with each other for so long. So either she wants to stop this FWB or else she has caught feelings and doesn't want to get hurt. You need to talk to her face to face and tell her how you feel, tell her what you want and ask her what she wants. Be prepared if she says she wants it to end.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2016):
 You act like a GF. You treat the FWB like a relationship.
That is just my observation of your post.
No matter how GREAT a pair of friends you are, an FWB is NOT a relationship. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement between friends.
And at the moment it's NOT beneficial for her, she wants to do other things, or she wants some space, peace, and quiet now and then.
I think YOU are more into this than she is. At least at the moment. That can shift.
The problems with FWB is that the lines get so blurred and it is almost impossible for people to NOT get caught up in emotions.
After 10 months how realistic is it that neither of you has feelings for the other? That at least ONE of you want to progress it from FWB to a relationship? Or wants to walk away and find a serious partner?
Why aren't you two just dating? Either each other or other people?
Maybe she is pulling back because she has sensed that you want more? or she wants more? Or she wants something else, someone else? Maybe she feels it's TOO intensive. Too much?
Or she is being manipulative. Either way......
I'd pull back a bit, let HER be the one to initiate and make the next plans. And then suggest you two have a talk, not sex.
I get why you feel slighted. I truly do. But, you are NOT her GF. You are her friend. And right now... she needs a bit of space. And AS her friend, I'd give her the space and time she needs. All the while YOU go live your life (not saying sleep with others, but SOCIALIZE). Don't be totally dependent on HER for entertainment, company and socializing. Let her chill a bit while YOU go do things you have either neglected or haven't had time to do, see family or friends, take an evening class in something, basically, LIVE life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2016): Youve caught feelings because everything she does seems to get to you and youre extremely sensitive about it. Its best to break it off, best friends, fwb or whatever chu may call it girl, youre completely in love with this gal and no way jose is she into you.
Break it off completely and just move on =)
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