A
female
age
36-40,
*oxy88
writes:Hi everyone. I hope someone can shed some light on my situation. Recently, due to a change in jobs, my weekends are free, giving me more time to go out and socialise. Back in April, I went out to a local pub with my best friend where I bumped into a guy that lives near my dad. I've known him for years but we've never really said much to each other. I'm 28 and he's 38. That night, we sat and had a good chat and he asked me out for a drink the following week so I accepted. I was never that keen on him at the beginning but I'd been single for two years and thought why not, it's just a drink. Anyway, the date went well! I got to know a little more about him and I definitely felt myself warming to him. He was funny and he often said I looked beautiful (I definitely wouldn't class myself as beautiful, just average looking) but I appreciated the compliment! He walked me home at the end of the night, we kissed and he said he'd like to do it again, to which I agreed. The following week, we went out again for a meal followed by drinks at a karaoke bar. I had a really great night and didn't want it to end so we went back to his for drinks. We ended up having sex which was amazing and I stayed the night. He took me home the following morning after breakfast. I spent the next few days constantly thinking of him, and he would send me cute text messages throughout the day. Since then, we have spent almost every weekend together after being out at the local. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to ask if he was looking for anything serious as neither of us had mentioned it previously. He said he wasn't sure and just wanted to see how things go. Ever since then, he has been distant with me and has told me he isn't ready for a relationship. I should add that he was married a few years ago and had a messy divorce. His wife was cheating on him for a few years which he only found out towards the end. She also belittled him and would tell him that he was never good enough for her. He had a relationship with a woman not long after his divorce and he told me he should never have got involved as he wasn't ready and just kept pushing her away until she finally left. I can understand that he doesn't feel ready for another relationship just yet but he knows that's what I want, yet it doesn't stop him calling me and asking me to spend the night with him from time to time. Like a fool, I'm there whenever he calls because I'm in love with him.He doesn't know that but he knows I like him a lot so why would he use me like that? I go to him when he calls in the hope that he might change his mind and want to persue a relationship with me. I would go to the ends of the earth for this man and I want to help him get over what his wife did to him but he won't open up to me. Every time I leave his place, I cry on the way home knowing that he just wanted sex and nothing else. Then the following day he'll text me and act like we're the best of friends, asking how I am and how is work etc. I know deep down what I need to do and that is cut all contact with him but I just can't. Any advice please?
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I agree with Cindy.
OP wants a relationship, the guy in question does not. I don't think spending time basically going on dates would be likely to change that, or as already stated they would more than likely be in a relationship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 "Having a go " ?, that's a strange way to see it, anon mental health nurse .
I simply disagree with your opinion. When I see advice which I think is good, I say : I concur with... When I see advice which I think is not particularly good, I say : I do not concur with ... As it is usual and normal on DC.
Ultimately, the choice among different advices befalls to the OPs, who will choose whichever resonate best with them.
If I didn't just disagree silently, in my heart ,as I do other times, it is because I feel ( personal opinion, which I do not have to apologize for ) that the advice you gave her has possible , dangerous side effects which not only will not help much , but actually will cause our OP more suffering ,more desperation,more getting stuck in an bad place.
All this for the reasons quoted by anon female of Sept 24 th. And , because, ultimately our OP's problem is that she is in love with the guy and he is not in love with her.
It's normal that the OP wants to be loved, appreciated, cherished - by why just by this particular man , after all ?
We can't force or trick people into loving us, and we should not if we could. Love that has to be begged for, cajoled, extorted with a ruse, or an act, or a game,- I doubt it's even love; it has more to do with appeasing egos or shoring up shaky self images, than with pure, real , generous feelings.
As for the assumptions : of course mine are assumptions ! Same as yours are. At DC we all have to go by assumptions- we do not have tangible, factual knowledge of the specific person and situation, so we assume things. So ? What's wrong with assumptions ?, as long as they are REASONABLE assumptions, or educated guesses.
I.e. based on common sense, extensive life experience, careful observation of social phenomena and social mores , and, if and when available, stats and literature about the issue.
The OP is still perfectly free to follow your advice, which, for all we know, may even turn out to be just the right way to win this man's love. I just think she needs to now it would be a risky and not painless experiment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): As someone that has been there done that, I agree with Cindy Cares viewpoint. Also apart from anything else I don't think it's wise to try and have a platonic friendship with someone you've had feeling for/sex with as it never works.I agree in principle that it's worth stopping the sex and seeing if he wants to still see you if only because it's a good way of weaning yourself off him if you cannot go cold turkey. You should make it clear to him that you don't do sex outside a relationship and stick to it. Don't play games, be genuinely busy. It's empowering to take back some control in your dealings with him and not be at his beck and call. Perhaps I'm being uncharitable but I've heard the "I just need a good woman to help me love again" act so many times and I do think he's just using you for sex. You saw him every weekend for 4 months so he knew you were really keen on him but I guess honesty and integrity aren't either of his better qualities. I've had casual relationships but they've made it clear from the start that was all that's on offer. They've not led me on to think otherwise.I wish you good luck and remember you're worth more than being some guy's "weekend girl".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): To Cindy care I am the anon who left the advice .. that for some reason you wish to have a go at .. as a mental health nurse my advice is based around the clients needs .. you assume he has enough friends and not every male wants the company of other males so another assumption ..right ?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 September 2016):
I doubt that the experiment suggested by female anon ( stop the sex and socialize only ) will give appreciable results, but maybe ,OP, you should try it precisely because it has a very high chance of failure : it will give you a nice reality check and it will cure you rapidly of your illusions.
If this guy were willing to spend quite some time with the OP in social situations, taking her out to bars and restaurants and cinemas etc., and having long, witty, leisurable conversations- well, then they would be dating, basically, not hooking up. And what the OP complains about is that this guy is not interested enough in her as a person, already as it is, with the sex. Take the sex away and I am pretty sure the interest would dwindle fast until grinding to a halt.
Chances are that at 38 he's got already all the friends he can handle, and that if he wanted a new friend for fun outings, he'd make friends with another guy. I suspect that from this point of view our OP is not particularly valuable to him, - as she is instead in her role of docile , on call, NSA lover.
But, yes,OP, you could try : if the experiments succeeds ( improbable !, but one never knows ) then problem solved. If it fails- you will not have anymore excuses to cling on to wishful thinking and that may be the jolt you need to disentangle yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2016): My advice is totally the opposite .. just stop the sex .Go to the pub for drinks if you want with him or anywhere public ..no his house or yours alone .. .. tell him your happy your friends . You enjoy his company .. His wit .. His spark . Joke with him ..have laughs .. have friendly texts and after a while ask him who he's dating etc .. This may hurt so be prepared .. tell him your considering dating someone at work or somewhere he doesn't know has asked you out in a group .. Make him think a bit If he seems a nice guy give him room to see what he's going to miss .. be friends .. be unavailable severally .. he's tasted if he wants more .. then he gives more ..If not.. his loss and you still have a valuable friend .. just start getting your emotions in check as distancing yourself emotionally from him .. your worth more than just sex .. so let him see that .Make any outing in public ..be you .. be lovely .. be witty etc .. but stop being used .. He sounds nice but he wants what he wants .. well things in life don't come free .Certainly I don't and neither do you .Take care head high .. and let's us know he it goes
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 You already know you need to cut contact. Yes it is hard when you love him, but believe me it will be so much harder in six months when he is still using you for sex and you are still letting him. That will rip your heart open and leave you with no self confidence or self esteem. Get out now before it is to late, if you don't you will have a lonely miserable future while seeing him.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 September 2016):
If he wanted something serious you guys would be together, end of.
Unless you want to continue being his booty call then you need to cut contact.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 September 2016):
Yeah.... that never works (:. Trying to accrue " exposure time ". You think, the more you keep going there even if you know very well what he said , what he wants ( NOT a relationship ), how he will act and react, etc.etc.- the more you have stage time to show him how much you like him, and how constant and devoted you are, and what a delightful companion and sex partner you'd make....
He KNOWS that already.But he only appreciates it within certain limits, the limits he has set on your interaction, i.e. fun and games on weekends , and friendly texts every now and then. THIS is what he wants from you and this is what he's got to offer. It seems to me that he has been clear enough about that, through words and actions, and the fact that you would like to give him much more, well, it's nice of you ...but he did not ask.
He keeps asking you... because you keep saying yes !
I think you expect from him to be way more chivalrous and selfless than the average guy can be. Do you think he should stop calling you, of his own initiative, because he may hurt you by not being in love with you ?
Well, first maybe you expect too much from human nature , which tends to be protective of each one's own interest. And second, he may, in all good faith, not seeing it as if he is using you . You like having sex with him, you like spending with with him, you like ( I guess ) kissing him and holding him and talking to him....
I mean, it's not that you go there to do him a big favour , while you'd rather be at home alone. When you get together , you get from him things which you want too and which please you too.
That you want more things , or different things, ... it's not his problem, because you had been warned. Buyer beware.
I think it's very likely that he may see it along these lines, more or less.
You say yourself that you know what you should do - then do it. Cut contact . You say you can't , by which you just mean it's going to be hard for you. Let's put it this way : it is also going to be hard to go there week after week and realize that nothing changed and he just wants sex and keeps not particularly giving a f..k. and to cry all the way back home. So, keeping seeing this guy is going to be hard too, BUT also a pointless, foolish waste of time .
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 If you don't want to be his FWB gal then end it and move on. He isn't willing to give you any more than that and you are only hurting yourself by hanging around waiting to see if he will change his mind. Block, delete and move on..he belongs in the rear mirror. You deserve better!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2016):
 My advice?
Cut the contact or continue to be his "booty call". They guy doesn't WANT to date you. He has TOLD you that to your face. You think if you show him how much you will give, how much you are willing to disrespect yourself, lower yourself to be his "occasional blow-up doll" that HE will change his mind and want you.
THAT isn't going to happen. And you even know this.
All you are doing is STOPPING yourself from moving on. He isn't doing that YOU are.
The sooner you realize that the sooner you can BLOCK his number and work on moving on.
You really don't have any other options, this is a DEAD END "relationship".
Don't you want more for yourself than have some older dude take advantage of you once in a while? It that what you want for yourself? Is that the extent of your self-worth?
Come on, OP. I get that you thought it could lead somewhere, but like the saying goes... you can lead a horse to water but you CAN NOT make it drink.
Chin up. Block him, delete his number and start living YOUR life. That means spend time with friends, family, hobbies, work and stop wasting time, energy and emotion on a fella who doesn't WANT them.
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