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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Can a man cheating on his wife for four plus years really love her? Even if he was straying because of sex- something that he is not getting in his marriage? He doesn't love the other woman- don't know if he cares for her or just using her for convenient sex. But he goes out of his way to console her when she is down and wants her to be happy. Marriage is not just about sex I know- and there is history of 20+ years, married for 15, and a ten year old child. But is there really love there or just habit? And not rocking the boat? What is going on here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 Can he love her after cheating for four years? Well it depends on the situation. If he is in a marriage where there is so sex for medical reasons but he still wants to be with her then maybe he is using his mistress as a way to sexual release. Off course this is still cheating and never acceptable. I wonder has he tried with his wife to reconnect? Or did he just run to the first woman that showed an interest?
If he doesn't love the mistress then my guess is that he goes out of his way for her because he feels guilty. He has spent four years using her for sex. Therefore he must feel something for her. Its probably guilt that he is stopping her from having her happy ending. Or maybe he is just keeping her sweet because he knows that maybe any day now she will wake up and want better for herself than sex with a married man.
Sex is an important part of a marriage off course, but 20 years is a lot of history and a ten year old child. I cannot tell you who he loves or why he is with two woman, my guess is that he is getting his cake and eating it as well. He has the best off both worlds while still being at home for his child and wife. I don't think he is still married out of habit, as am sure if he wanted to be with the mistress then he would be. But he still chooses to be with his wife.
My honest opinion is that he is a cheat at the end of the day, he won't get hurt, he will only end up hurting both women. If I was his wife, I would file for divorce and set up payments for their child and shared custody. If I was the other woman, I would accept that I am getting used for four years and not going to allow it to carry on any more.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (17 February 2016):
I'm going to guess that you are the other woman and you're trying to work out why the man you are sleeping with won't leave his wife to be with you?
Well to answer your question, I do believe these men do love their wives but not nearly as much as they love themselves. And the mistress? Not at all.
I never understand why mistresses buy the line that there is something forcing these men to remain married against their will. There isn't! People leave marriages all the time and it's messy, but they do it because ultimately someone will NOT stay in a situation if it makes them miserable, particularly when they have found an alternative situation that makes them happy.
Even in the cases where someone has fallen out of love with their wife or husband and meets someone else. They take steps to make things official with them and they do it quickly. Always! They won't keep him or her in the background for years while pretending to be in love with someone else because that's just not enough! People want to spend the bulk of their time with the number one person in their life and they will make that happen regardless of the consequences. That's why we get messages from people saying their partner has left after an 'x' month long affair. And make no mistake, it's always MONTHS not years. Anything longer than that and it becomes unbearable to keep up the pretence.
Basically it comes down to this - if you are treated like second best it's because you ARE second best to him. He may like you as a person and it may not just be about sex, but he certainly cares less about you than he does his wife. No question.
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A
female
reader, Homedics  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 im sorry for this my dear, i know how hard the situation is, but if you gonna ask me, theres no room for a cheaters. i know how hard to let go someone we really love, but what shall we do if we just accept it and just keep accepting it. its just gonna hurt us all the way. i wish you could find your courage to leave this man, he dont deserve you. you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 "But is there really love there or just habit?"
I cant see how it matters really.If there is love, he still cheated. If the marriage is just routine and habit, he still cheated. Being cheated on hurts, humiliates and rocks the very foundation of trust, everybody knows that. Cheating is a choice, so why would you choose to do that to someone you love? Just as twisted when a spouse hits you then says they love you, only difference is ones physical.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 This is not an issue of love nor habit. No person has sex with others out of habit. Nor do you do that out of love for the person whom you are cheating on.
Just like everything else bad, there are million reasons why someone is doing evil stuff but only one - only one - reason why a person would do good and noble stuff. Therefore, it could be any of the million reasons why your man is cheating on you.
4 years of his cheating is 4 years too many. He may not want to rock the boat but you must because somebody is always extra in any relationship larger then 2. In this case it is you, irrespective of why he is doing it. Find a lawyer and foreclose on this marriage, now.
You will be happier, at least by relieving yourself having to spend so much time thinking why are you miserable and whether you are loved. In case you find someone else who loves you, that will be a premium.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 Your husband is cheating on you and sugar-coat it all you want under as many layers of fancy wrapping paper, the truth is that he is committing adultery and is, under no circumstances, reasons or excuses, to be trusted, given a chance or forgiven.
And no, he doesn't love you. Not sure if he loves his mistress either but he certainly doesn't love you.
Get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave him.
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