A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mum is sometimes difficult and has found her children leaving home and major life events quite hard work due to a difficult marriage and childhood that has effected us all (violent and absent husband - our father).I have done my very best to support her, make her feel loved and wanted, helped her to expand her own life etc and involved her in my husbands family all to make her feel less isolated. I understand she finds some things difficult and completely understand why but some days I struggle with frustration as a result and feel like our relationship is totally unbalanced. I feel like I can never do anything right and when I retreat to spend some time with other people or just take time for myself it's seen as totally selfish. When she takes time for herself I'm very accepting but she still feels the need to tell me and my siblings she's allowed to take time for herself as if we have any objection when we all actively encourage it. She is quite passive aggressive and almost abusive on occasions and I do find myself doing the, 'she says jump I say how high' thing... But I have actively worked on reducing this very slowly so as to not hurt her feelings but preserve my own. But I am finding it harder and harder to cope with her mood swings and feeling like I'm her parent. I have tried several courses of counselling and CBT as this has all been going on since I was young and due to the non existent relationship with my violent father I have had a few issues. Some of my siblings have dealt with her by cutting her out totally. I don't want to do this. Has anyone else out there had similar issues with parents and managed to manage it better?
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female
reader, fictionoverreality1  +, writes (20 February 2016):
Duplicatetry showing your mother that she not the only who went through you hell you did too. tell her how you feel and show your mother who you are now she dose not have to keep living in the past no victim of abuse wants to be there so from what you told me getting her involved with your life and showing her how much you love her is not working then try getting her to love herself again start from the ground up ask her about what she use to do before she met your dad what she in too hobbies and things that she truly enjoys if not that research stuff your mother could possibly be into now find ways to show her the beauty from within and honestly from there things can only get better but if your mom is not willing to take that first step to help herself up then there is nothing you can do until she dose. good luck !!!
A
female
reader, fictionoverreality1 +, writes (20 February 2016):
try showing your mother that she not the only who went through you hell you did too. Tell her how you feel and show your mother who you are now she dose not have to keep living in the past. No victim of abuse wants to be there so from what you told me getting her involved with your life and showing her how much you love her is not working.Then try getting her to love herself again start from the ground up.Ask her about what she used to do before she met your dad what she into.Hobbies and things that she truly enjoys If not that, then research stuff your mother could possibly be into now find ways to show her the beauty from within.From there things can only get better but if your mom is not willing to take that first step to help herself up then there is nothing you can do until she dose. good luck !!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 Oh Sweetie what a horrible situation for you to be in. Your mother has had a lot to deal with but if I am being brutally honest she needs to step up and be a mother. Yes she had a tough time, but so did all of you and she needs to learn that not everything is about her. I can see why your siblings have stopped contact, as it is not fair her always playing the victim. What about when you where children? Who protected you? She needs to see that even if she was in a violent relationship she has also made mistakes in her life.
Sometimes tough love is the answer. I know you want a relationship with your mother and you want to help her. But if she is not willing to help herself then there is no point. You just need to start standing up for yourself. Tell her how she makes you feel. Explain to her how hard life has been for you.
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