A
female
age
41-50,
*oulou99
writes:i have been having sex with a guy for about 2yrs now.. in the begining he and i was jst hooking up... 2yrs later... i am soo much in love... i dont think he feels the same way. he probably likes me... or does he jst like having sex with me. he usually jst shows up late after hours on the weekend after geting messed up with his friends... we have never gone out of the house... never a date i dont even know his parents names.. he doesnt call me he only texts me and normally its about sex... he buys gifts on holidays... normally has to do with sex. but i buy him nice personal gifts.. i jst bought him a 200 dollar watch and a nice shirt for xmas.. i have bought all his gifts for the last 2 yrs with meaning alot of value and personal meaning to him..he says he doesnt know what he feels he doesnt know when he will be ready for a relationship.. but he does get angry when i try to end it.. im confused why does he get upset if he doesnt want to be with me? if i ask him whats going on with us he gets mad and says i talk too much and always ruin it. i have never been in soo much love. also i have 3 kids... he has never spent any time with them.. he hasnt even bothered to meet 2 of them. the only reason he has been around 1 of them is because she is 2. and always home. i should have been done with him along time ago since he shows no interest in my kids. its soo hard to let him go... maybe he will want to be with me.. but it has already been 2 years.. if it was going to be more than hooking up.. would it have happened by now? please can someone give me advice.. it seems everyday im sad my heart is broke from all the bs i put up with from him. im soo good to him but i dont understand whats wrng with me? he isnt the nicest at times he will cuss at me if i try to end it he will show up at my house and yell and argue he threw somehting and put a hole n the wall.. so if he only wants sex.. why does he get so mad...he and i are frm 2 different walks of life... he is frm money and preppy.. he is a teacher... i a waitress i have 3kids and i am mexican and not alot of money.. he is a white man and he has a thing for latina girls... am i only playing out his fantasy? i feel that. i want to be happy.. im only happy when i see him which is not alot. im not ugly im not mean im not a bad person at all. i dont get what am i doing wrng? i could go on and on someone advice please...i desperatly would love another view on this..
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Look here: He IS USING you for sex, and sex only. It is NEVER going to be what you want - and you know that. So far as what he meant by "very bad timing, WHAT does it MATTER what he meant?!
You must stop clinging to the flimsiest thread of hope - because there IS no hope. He's upset at your breaking it off and he's trying to prevent you from doing that.
What YOU need to do is to stand firm and take an "I don't give a fig if you ARE upset." Have NO - NONE, NADA, contact with him in any way, shape or form ever again!
He can go to hell (so to speak) so far as you're concerned now. THAT needs to be your attitude and you need to STICK TO IT.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 April 2012):
 don't be falling for his manipulations. He already knows what the gist of the email is. He is just try to manipulate you and try to dump guilt on you.
He is an adult.
He can cope with this news - though he does not want to accept it as truth.
He think he will change your mind yet.
Do not open the door to him.
If you repeat a new habit every day for six weeks it will become a permanent habit
Do not open the door to him.
Yes I know it will tug at your heart strings
Yes he may try dirty tricks
Do not expose your children to verbal threats from him at the front door - just call the police
But do not open the door
Don't put up with noise and ruckus from him - it frightens the children and will embarrass you in front of neighbors. He is not worth this carry on.
Apathy means you are over him.
Still caring what he thinks, and trying not to upset him and trying to accomodate his needs means you are still vulnerable.l
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (10 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim sticking to my decision. this time is different than the last couple times. it took hours to actually send the email. but i even feel free.. releaved.. very sad but i feel in control again. no matter what he meant i realize nothing will change. and honestly after thinking this whole time.. i dont even want to be with him after everything. i know if i did i would always think does he really want to be with me or jst to keep his free piece of ass. i am positive with this being over. i am not going to even reply to him. he knows how to work me and my feelings. its over. and if i go back then i really do deserve everything he gives me. i am not going to continue loving him when really there is nothing to love. i am starting to feel free.. i know i jst ended it and he probably will try a whil.. whatever he tells me is all bs. good luck to the next. its not going to be me anymore. i would have never sent him the email and said all i did to him. that is how i know this is it. i knew he was on bs sending that text. i knew it. of course i still care and all that but thats irrelevant doesnt matter the feelings will go away in time. i am starting to feel alive.. if that makes sense. thnku all sooo much for being so blunt and honest and truthful. i would have done this forever possibly.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 He was putting you back to your proper place ( in his view ).
He meant " Oh for fuck's sake, you know that I have no time and no patience for your emotional bellyaching, and I don't give a damn about your " feelings " and all this mushy stuff , that I don't take seriously anyway. I know that you whine and wring your hands and make drama, but eventually always open your legs, - so why do you dare to waste my time with your crap, when I have so many more important things to do ? ".
Wow, though- he does win the prize for Arrogant Bastard 2012 , and if you can feel this fatal attraction for such a complete dickhead,... you need to see a doctor, and a good one, I say it will all due respect and friendly concern, no sarcasm meant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): "can someone tell me what he meant please???"
He means shut up and keep your legs open bitch. Sorry to put it that way but that's what he meant.
To give you more detail he's just trying to make you feel guilty about sending the email again. He's planting guilt in your mind so you'll have that brewing up while he thinks of an excuse as to why you're a bad person for breaking up with him. He's been doing this for years now, he knows how to press your buttons.
He's trying to guilt trip you back into sleeping with him.
"bad timing for me to fall in love?"
No, he already knows that. Bad timing because he's going to be horny again soon and wants your pussy and is going to use your guilt to make you sleep with him again. He's going to try and make you feel sorry for him so you'll give him a comfort shag.
"or bad timing because he doesnt want to be stressed out and have a mess on his hands?"
Yes, that's what he wants you to believe but it's bullshit, no matter what story he tells you it's going to be lies, and if it's not a lie then fuck him, he has to deal with his own life now and has to find another fool to fuck. Stop playing these games with him. Block his number and block his email address.
"or was he actually falling for me?"
No, now he's not and even if he tries to tell you that's what it is, he'll be lying and using that as a last ditch attempt to get you to be his fuck toy again.
Text him this back "Actually it's not bad timing, it's perfect timing and since you won't read my email I'll tell you now. We're finished and no come backs this time. I'm ruining it and I'm happy to ruin it because I've had enough and I'm now going to move on. Don't call, text, or email me because I'm blocking your number, email and I will call the police if you come to my door. Goodbye, I'd like to say it has been nice knowing you but it hasn't because you've been nothing but a cunt. You can go fuck yourself from now on."
Seriously, send that right now, then block everything and you're free.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2012):
 You keep saying “I didn’t place any blame on him” WHY OP is this so important to you?
Very bad timing? Easy… it means he doesn’t want to be told he can’t get laid any more…
it doesn't matter what he meant by it to be honest.
he wants to get laid
you love him
he's using you
if you allow it he will continue to use and abuse you
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (10 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncan someone tell me what he meant please???
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (10 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso... since we never talk on the phone and i wouldnt see him till friday night at 4 in the morning drunk.. my only option was to send him a email. yes i might have been able to ask him to stop by so we can talk... but when he showed up i would not have went thru with any of it. he takes me breath away and the whole world stops when i see him. so i stuck with a email.. i explained to him how i feel about him and how i know where he stands with what he wants and what he feels. i didnt place any blame on him because from the start he did tell me he wasnt looking for anything serious.. i told him how we could no longer sleep together or hang out ect.. told him this isnt a good situation for me to be in knowing that i am in love with him and after 2yrs nothing is moving forward... i didnt place any blame on him because i have been aware he didnt want anything of a relationship with me... he has only told me pretty much to keep doing what we are and maybe one day it will happen... but he says he doesnt know maybe in a year or 2.. however he has giving me hope along the way and broken promises. i am aware of why now. he would say whatever it takes to keep coming back. anyways... i didnt place blame on him in the email also because if i attack him or tell him all he has and is doing wrong i know he would show up and be heated and angry and ready to put me in my place. he is intemidated and i am also weak when he shows up. he textd me... "i will read your email another day. i have a interview tomorrow and not dealing with this right now" he also said... "very very bad timing trina!" can someone please tell me what does that mean?? he has to had read the email and didnt want to deal with it or accept it... what did he mean ver very bad timing trina!?? bad timing for me to fall in love? bad timing because he wants it but he is not ready in his life yet? or bad timing because he doesnt want to be stressed out and have a mess on his hands? or was he actually falling for me? when i bring ending it up.. he says .. you always have to ruin it .. once i think i want to be with you you have to open your mouth. i dont know why he is going to a interview because he is a teacher and has a job.. but i woulodnt know what he has going on in his life. i wanted to tel him.. you have had bad timing for the last 2yrs! i said nothing. this seriously hurts alot.. but i know its whats best for me.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 April 2012):
Well, you recognize that he IS only using you and you are never going to get the kid of love and commitment that you want.
You deserve better.
Don't break it off slowly. Does he have a key to your home? If so, get your locks changed and when you have done so, THEN call him and tell him you have given it some thought and have decided to end things . You can say the relationship is not working for you, and you know that it will never improve. Inform him that you do not wish to hear from him again either by text or phone and give him a moment to let it sink in, then hang up. DO NOT allow him to get into a long discussion with you!
You might put a block on your phone to prevent him calling you. If he should somehow manage to call you anyway such as using a friend's phone, hang up on him IMMEDIATELY. That's not rude; after all you will have told him he is not to contact you and if he chooses to disrespect you wishes, you need to enforce what you said by refusing to talk to him each and every time he makes the attempt. Believe me, once he realizes you are determined, he will eventually give up. He may keep trying for a while, but you must stand your ground.
If you are afraid he might visit you at work or wait til you leave home, report him to the police. Get a restraining order if necessary. But I hope it won't come to that.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (10 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to thank everyone for their advice and point of view. i will never be in this type of FWB situation again! i learned my lesson!
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (9 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell... like i said this weekend i kinda woke up.. something clicked in my head something different than the other few times i have thought about whats really going on. i dont know i have jst been annalyzing the whole situation from start to finish.. im not a dumb girl but i am very nieve and blind when it comes to guys and love. i did however purchase the book someone recommended.. i stayed up till 4 this morning reading it. it has made alot of sense everything has jst kinda made alot of sense. im feeling very hurt and like my heart is broke from facing the truth of this situation. the whole world cant be wrng. i jst didnt want to think of myself as a piece of ass. i dont know right now i jst feel hurt. like not so sad boo hoo but really hurt.like deeply hurt by him. and it hurts this bad how bad is it going to hurt when i stop all communication with him. thats why i have never went thru with ending this. sometimes i find it hard to literally breath jst thinking of him being gone. but then im like... what did i even have anyways??? anyoone can get sex anywhere!! yes its great but thats on every corner not really but u know its all around no shortage. idk im jst rambbling now... im kinda jst numb and lost in hurt my feelings are hurt. i have known all this but i made excuses for him or jst believed things will get better. if he gives me hope then i must believ him. bs. it was all bs. im on my way to end this. i dont want to sale myself short. i feel i deserve more and better. enough is enough. im definatly slowly going to end this. i already know i cant be blunt and say hey we are done. i have done that 3 times and each time is more dramatic scary and worse than the last time.i am jst going to blow him off and after so long he will fade away. i will be unavailable always. i do feel im stable and serious about my decision emotionally. the guys i have blown off in the last 2yrs.. i probably past up and blew off mr.right. inm jst full of regrets right now ans kinda ashamed and embarrassed i def feel pathetic. i am not going to waste anymore time effort anything on the situation. im exhausted. i have realized he doesnt care. not going to be easy thats for sure. but i do know that i am not going to give in and see him. when i see him is when i am weak and he knows that. he will jst show up when i hav tried to end this. because he knows if i see him n person i will not go thru with any of it. he knows that i think. and its the truth. when i see him... the whole world stops. so i jst have to make sure i dont see him or let him in and i believ it will be ok. the hurt will go away. i rather go thru some hurt for a short time than weeks months years of hurt. i jst want to be happy. but i cant help to think maybe he loves me and is going to be with me and im about to ruin it and blow it. but... that is only a fantasy he has made me believ. i do know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): "if its just sex then why would he stay the night and hold me all night"
Why not? A girl just gave you sex, it's only being polite to hold her afterwards, you girls like that and you will give us more sex if we do that.
"he only tries to make plans with me when he knows im not available"
Of course, that way he doesn't actually have to go through with any of them and you still think he's being nice. It makes your legs easier to open.
"during the week he will text me.. usually starts off normal conversation but ends up about sex"
Because that's all he wants. You're his fuck toy.
"but he's drinking also maybe he doesnt even know me and maybe i dont even know him."
We guys tend to get horny when we're drunk OP.
"he is everything i want and need with a man"
No he's not and he will never give you those things either.
"i want so bad for him to see all the effort and time i have invested into this and yes hope that he would be with me. i dont want to believ that he would be using me."
He does see the effort but he doesn't care and yes he is using you but you're letting him so it's fine.
"when i try to break it off he does tell me things will change and then he makes me feel guilty and tells me he cant do anything right and hes sorry hes such a piece of shit."
And nothing ever does change, you just open your legs, he fucks you then leaves.
"does he use my feelings and emotions and love towards him just to get what he wants?"
Yes.
"so why wont he at least be my boyfriend?"
Because he only wants easy access to your pussy.
"Probably because you all are right.. im a easy lay conveniant he doesnt have to put any work in im on-call i do as he says and shut up i stroke his big ass ego and praise him non stop of how great he is. im his personal cheerleader and his personal quick piece of ass."
Yeah, now you're getting it OP.
One quick question for you. What are you going to do about this situation? Are you going to let it continue? If not then you have to do things differently this time and just remove him from your life with no discussion.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 April 2012):
He does not seem to want this relationship to develop beyond the holding pattern that satisfies him.
This is a giveaway that he sees no long term future in the relationship. Other than a convenient relationship for him to provide him with a sexual partner when it suits him.
Yes he acts up when you want to end the relationship.
Yes he makes a joke to deflect you when you try to raise serious issues.
A guy who wants more in a relationship will happily cope with these issues and openly communicate with you.
You have not lived with this guy 24/7 and yet already you have seen some signs of violence (the hole in the wall and the cussing) - so I wonder if really ending the relationship will potentially bring out the worst in him.
You may not (yet) have seen just how potentially abusive he could be.
Six or seven years? That is more than enough time for him to decide if he wants a permanent live in 24/7 relationship with you.
I think he only wants a ongoing friend with benefits and that this is going no where good for you.
It is your call.
But as your children get older they will ask questions. And they may wonder why you put up with a part time lover rather than a full time life partner? You do deserve better than this. Please think about it before you reach 40.
And just in case he does start to become more abusive you may like to read the following:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (9 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes he will hold me after wards.. thats what i dont get... if its just sex then why would he stay the night and hold me all night... grant it it may be 4-5 in the morning when he shows up but when the next morning comes he is back to his normal self.. after he sleeps his partying off we will talk and laugh just normal stuff. he only tries to make plans with me when he knows im not available... like if i have my kids and he knows it thats when he tries to pretend as if he wanted to take me to maybe grab a bite to eat. during the week he will text me.. usually starts off normal conversation but ends up about sex he has came over a few times early.. but he's drinking also maybe he doesnt even know me and maybe i dont even know him. i am raising the question after 2 years because im 32.. and i know what i want and need from a man.. i'm ready to settle down and be happy. he is everything i want and need with a man. i'm asking myself .. do i even know him? only when hes drunk.. i guess i have been in denial and blind from the truth. i want so bad for him to see all the effort and time i have invested into this and yes hope that he would be with me. i dont want to believ that he would be using me. when i try to break it off he does tell me things will change and then he makes me feel guilty and tells me he cant do anything right and hes sorry hes such a piece of shit. then i as you say... kiss his ass and tell him no your not and tell him how great he is ect.. like he turns it around on me. when he disagrees with my decision of breaking it off and when he shows so much anger thats when i back off and fix things because to me thats him showing he cares. but maybe thats not him caring. your right i would be mad if someone tried to cut a great thing off too. sometimes he will tell me to chill out and just relax and dont force stuff. he does give me hope. and with that i back off and wait. he has been very aware of my feelings for him probably 3 months after we started the situation. Two months ago i told him i have fallen in love with him. and if he wasnt going to be with me and my kids then we had to be done. he says threatening him will get me know where. when i raise the issue is this going to be anything he says: "Everytime im just about there and thinking it could be more u always f^^^ it up and talk. You ruin it."If i mention him being out and was he with girls.. which i never ask him who he is with or anything because one time i did and he told me its none of my business. anyways he says im not going home to them im coming to you. as if i should be thankfull. and yes he does think he is doing me a favor by showing up. sometimes i even think im lucky. but now that i read everyones thoughts... im not feeling so lucky. im feeling very used and i thought i respected myself but im not too sure now. every weekend for the last 2 yrs.. i have waited on him. when the kids are gone... i wait on him.maybe he will show up maybe he wont.. i dont see or date anyone else beacuse i dont want to mess anything up.. but maybe he wouldnt even care as long as he could still hit it. this weekend i jst kinda asked myself what are you doing???? i have wasted the last 2yrs.. i have nothing to show for all my time and dedication. he says everything is good as long as i dont talk. i asked him what part do i play in your life.. he usually blows my questions off with a joke or something funny. to me.. he is perfect. maybe hes far from perfect tho. he does give me false promises he does string me along he does kinda have me as a hostage and waiting on him. does he use my feelings and emotions and love towards him just to get what he wants? he does tell me that i am the only girl he is seeing and laying down with. when he says that.. thats where the hope comes from too. i asked him 2months ago... what do you feel towards me? he said i dont know.. obviously i like you. but i dont know. i ask him how do you not know? he says he is different frm everyone else and if he wants to take it slow then hes going to. hes all about noone will tell me what to do or what not to. i have never done that. he says i cant handle him. i have been for 2yrs. its like a lot of excuses. and a lot of false hope. he uses what i feel to his advantage im realizing. i dont even kow how i got into this mess. anytime something good bad happy sad goes on in his life he comes to me. but he could careless about me and my life. he wants a bestfriend and a lover. so why wont he at least be my boyfriend?Probably because you all are right.. im a easy lay conveniant he doesnt have to put any work in im on-call i do as he says and shut up i stroke his big ass ego and praise him non stop of how great he is. im his personal cheerleader and his personal quick piece of ass. i guess i dont want any of this to be true. all i wanted was to make him happy and have a happy ending with him. thats never going to happen. thats hard to accept... i am sooooo thankfull and very appreciative that i have all different views from all of you. i dont talk to anyone about this because i dont think they would understand and would only tell me what a dummy i am. i normally dont put up with any mans bs or games.. but he is different.. so i thought. i am very thankful for everyones input.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
He will never be what you want
He will NEVER love you
He will NEVER NOT USE YOU FOR SEX.
IT’s not going to make you happy to continue to let his man use and abuse you.
You are correct you can’t break up with a man you are not going with
You cannot LEAVE him as you are not with him.
But what you can do is BLOCK His number. DO NOT take his calls. DO NOT let him come over
DO NOT CONTACT HIM at all.
You ask if he likes this power… who cares what HE likes…
Now you must NOT have contact with him… and I know this will be hard… and to make it worse when you stop letting him contact you, he will escalate his behavior. He may even start sweet talking you and making promises to you that he has NO INTENTION OF KEEPING.. (such as taking you out, or getting a “real relationship”) DO NOT BELIEVE HIM.. it’s his penis talking…. IGNORE HIS WORDS… concentrate on his ACTIONS (and showing up at your door after dark is a BOOTY CALL not proof of his feelings)
Stop being his handy penis holder and move on with your life
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2012):
What's wrong with you , it's that you let such a dickhead treat you like a doormat. Men don't respect women who don't respect themselves. It's foolish to expect this situation will change , first, because, as you say, if something was to change it would have already changed in 2 years ; second, because he likes things just the way they are, he told you and showed by his actions, why should he want to change ? That's so easy and convenient and low maintenance: sex on tap with his latina fantasy , no strings, no obligations, no hassle, - and he get freebies too !
Of course he does not want to see it ending- he should be stupid, he would have to go through a lot of trouble to find another as doormattish and as low maintenance as you !
If you had a free pass for your favourite amusement park, where you can go any time you want, and do what you want , without ever spending a dime, wouldn't you be upset if they threaten to take it away ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Is he loving duringbthe sex though? Does he ever hold you just to hold you without it becoming sex? Is there any hint of any care for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): "im confused why does he get upset if he doesnt want to be with me?"
I'd be pissed off if you tried taking away my nice, easy pussy for over two years too.
"if it was going to be more than hooking up.. would it have happened by now?"
It would have happened from the start, if he wanted you he would have dated you but he just wanted pussy so that's all he took.
"im soo good to him but i dont understand whats wrng with me?"
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? There's nothing wrong with you except you give him everything he wants and demand nothing in return.
"am i only playing out his fantasy?"
Yes, nothing else, ever.
"i dont get what am i doing wrng?"
You're fucking a guy who does not and will not ever love you, hoping that some day he will. That's what you're doing wrong.
"i jst hoping for more but its never going to happen?"
Yes.
"does he like the power ?"
What power? You can't have power over jelly OP and you're jelly to him. You're too easy for him to like the power because he doesn't have to do anything and your legs will always be open for him.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 April 2012):
I'm very sorry to have to say this, but his attitude just "screams" so to speak, that he doesn't care about you as a person; all he wants is sex when he wants it.
That is why he gets angry and nasty whenever you try to end it.
Nevertheless, I recommend that you DO end it and soon. Why waste your heart, energy and time on someone who neither respects or cares for you? It will be hard to break up with him, true, but for your own sake, I hope you will.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 April 2012):
Very sadly I do think it is all about the sex for him.
He is not respectful towards you. He turns up late and wasted. He is preventing you from moving on. And you are generous and accomodating towards him.
Whereas he does no more than the minimum to indicate any consideration towards you.
He may even think HE is doing you a favor by turning up.
And he is not even respectful, he does not value your opinion as evidenced by the disgraceful abusive way he behaves if you raise something he does not want to hear - like breaking up.
You are his 'friend with benefits' and no more.
Whereas you, after being intimate so many times, have become emotionally involved with him, hoping, hoping, hoping he will start to feel the same.
Sadly I don't think he will ever feeel the same. His behavior is arrogant.
You are starting to have doubts about him, as well you should - especially after his 'hole in the wall' incidence and his other unacceptable behavior.
If your self esteem was higher I would say call him and tell him it's finished. But your level of self esteem (at the moment) bothers me and I am not certain of your emotional strength (at the moment) to break up and really mean it.
And his nasty behavior will escalate as soon as you do try to break up so you need to do all you can to improve your inner strength to cope with losing a guy you care about.
Even though emotionally he keeps his distance from you.
Though his lack of interest in your children? He's not interested. Though conversely I would be just as wary if a man showed TOO MUCH interest in the children - as there are some creeps out there who target women with children.
So his lack of interest in the children does not bother me as much as his callous behavior towards you.
Due to your emotional attachment I think breaking up will be more difficult for you, until you can raise your self esteem to a higher level.
You sound a lovely caring kind Mom.
Value yourself.
I bet your children come even before you on occasions. If not almost always?
Maybe you will have to distance yourself slowly from him, as you improve your self esteem.
Otherwise, if you break up immediately, before your self esteem is better, then you might relent and take him back.
There is a book you may be able to buy online called (I think) 'Women who love too much' - might be worth reading in your circumstances.
First stop the presents - he does not deserve them.
Do not be as available. Get a stronger lock/chain on the door. Practise saying 'No' when you answer the door. Tell him you are very tired and have gone to bed. That the time is not convenient.
If he makes a ruckus call the police. Don't warn him that you will call or have called the Police. Just call them.
Maybe do visit your nearest Police station in advance, tell them your situation - that you want to break up with your guy who is abusive but that he may cause a ruckus. Tell the police your name and address. This puts it on record if there is trouble.
Find out if there is any group assisting and giving support to domestic violence sufferers in your area. Find out the address and make contact with them for support.
Change your cell phone number so he cannot text. Don't apologise
If you do relent and let him in - do not also offer him any food nor drink - sounds inhospitable - but he's not hospitable towards you.
Make life less accomodating enough to discourage him.
Since he is abusive and you have tried ending the relationship then maybe a slower ending where you show disinterest and are not as available might start the ball rolling. While you improve ou
It is not the strongest way to break up - but IF you think you ARE strong enough to end the relationship as soon as possible then do it as soon as you sense you can do so, without relenting and taking him back.
Best Wishes
Abella
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 April 2012):
 After 2 years, yes, it definitely sounds like he is using you solely for sex.
Sadly, he hasn't invested the emotional commitment that you have in this matter and from the looks of it, you are wasting your best years as well as your emotions on what appears to be a man who simply wants to use you for sex. Your reaction to date has been understandable -- and it is easy to fall for a man you are having a friends with benefits situation with.
It appears ou want something more and clearly from what you've indicated this man hasn't even met you half way.
I think the biggest question here is not what you can do to make this man love you or what you are doing wrong, but why did it take you 2 years to start getting the hint that this man is simply using you? You obviously have a lot to offer someone and you appear to be a generous person, why not try to find a man who will you respond in kind and cherish you and your children? There are plenty of men out there who would jump at that chance... why settle for less?
I think it is time for you to do some soul searching and figure out what you want in a partner. Despite your feelings for this man, it doesn't sound like he is going to be the one for you -- especially after his lack of affection after 2 years. It is time to take stock of your life and figure out where you are headed and what you want out of a partner.
Trust me, there are better situations out there and better people who will leave absolutely no doubt that you are #1 in their life. Don't sell yourself short.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (8 April 2012):
loulou99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou said break-up... he is very careful that i know we are not together..and you are so right.. dont you think after 2 yrs.. if it was going to be something more it would have happened already.. am i jst hoping for more but its never going to happen? its so hard to end our situation.. does he like the power ?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Yes it is sex and more, and that more is abuse.
He is using temper to control a reaction from you, which is going back to him time and time again for his selfish need. If it was a peaceful breakup then you would have let him go with no problems. It is like a child throwing a tantrum so that the adult would buy him a toy. He is a dangerous person. He intimidated you into complying his wishes. You could have called the cops on him for destroying your property. You don't want anyone like that around your kids. He is only thinking of himself and his ego is bruised when someone like you who worship him suddenly wants out. I am afraid the only way to keep him out is that he goes to jail.
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