A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 29-years old and have never been married and have no children. I've had long term relationships in the past (one for 4-years and one for 2-years) and I haven't really been serious with anyone in almost 6-years.Anyhow, I wouldn't say I'm commitment-phobic, I would like a relationship, but I don't think I want to ever get married. I have many people say, "Don't ever get married!" or else everyone that is married seems unhappy in their marriages since they complain about their husband or wife or just flat out say that they're not happy.So really what my question is, is it ever acceptable to tell a guy that you want to have kids and not get married? Are men very accepting of that? What do men think of a woman with an idea like that? I really would like children, but I'm very fearful of marriage. I'm fine with a committed relationship, but I feel that it seems to be common that once some people say, "I do," they just think they can be lazy. Or am I just hearing horror stories?Just a side note, I only felt this way slightly, but once my parents separated (about 3-years ago) and are now divorcing after 27-years of marriage, it especially made me worrisome about marriage being a good idea, especially since I thought they'd always be together. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 So you have no clue what marriage is like? What do you think is different between committed long term relationship and marriage?
Personally I think all people that have children should be married. Yes divorce happens, but it’s shown that most kids prefer their parents married. I do not see how you can be FINE with a committed relationship but afraid of marriage. I’m betting you just have not met that one guy that you want to marry.
When I met my husband he was 37. He told me that he did not believe in marriage. He thought marriage was useless and stupid and he never saw himself as getting married. I was totally completely FINE with that. I’ve been married. I’ve raised my kids. I did not care if we married or not. Guess what… he changed his mind. HE was the one who insisted we get married. HE wanted to be married to me. 3 weeks before we married, our dear friends married… first time bride and first time groom.. she is 40 and he’s 52! NEVER say NEVER.
I truly believe that until a person meets someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, marriage makes no sense to them. Then they meet someone who they do not want to risk losing and all of a sudden marriage makes sense.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I'd say don't let someone else's personal experience persuade you either way. In the hopes of living cautiously, you won't live at all if you let your fears hold you back.I didn't always believe in marriage, until I met my current partner that is. I realised that if god-forbid I ever needed emergency help and could not speak for myself, he would not have a say in what is in my best interests because legally we do not have a relationship. Considering that he is my best friend who knows me more than any other living being - this was a horrendous prospect for me. I know it's an extreme example but I realised that I want to be together in every way possible and to have everyone acknowledge that.Also, I've come to view vows as a statement of intent. It's simply two people promising to be there for each other forever. But it's only that a promise. Someone could promise you the earth and give you nothing. Someone else could promise you nothing and give you the world. It depends on the individuals and their dynamic. You have to decide what marriage means for you.Draw up a list of what you want in a partner without putting a label on it and have a relationship with someone who fills the criteria. Have a relationship and see how it goes. Don't feel pressure to get married or otherwise on account of other people's relationships.After all, the fact that most relationship don't last doesn't stop you from dating does it? I hope not anyway.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, TeardropsOnMyGuitar  +, writes (24 April 2013):
Hmmm... maybe you're not very articulate but I tend to think things are just not that clear in your mind. I encourage you to continue thinking about what you want and why. Maybe I'm reading the first two responses wrong but I sense a teeny bit of "Since a committed relationship is the same as marriage and you're not afraid of a committed relationship then your fear of marriage is silly"Me, I sense that you're equally afraid of a committed relationship but you believe it can be untangled more easily.Marriage isn't for everyone and it may not be for you - that's OK. I wish happily married people would put a cork in it. Good for them. I don't think marriage should be encouraged. If being with a specific person feels iffy, don't push your luck. When you meet someone who feels and knows it's right AND you both feel the same, then go for it.As far as the ticking bio clock... set a date and if you don't have a loving relationship by then, go buy sperm and save some guy and yourself a lot of grief. Maybe by the time the clock rings, you'll know exactly what you want and can then make it happen.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): You through your own admission are afraid of marriage because of what happened with your parents and other stories you may of heard and seen in the media lately. I don't mean to upset you but what happened to your mom and dad just didn't happen over night. Something wasn't happening to the relationship for the past twenty seven years. You have been in a few yourself now and realize that I hope. Or do you think there are other forces at work. Whether your in a married relationship with all the bell and whistles or living common law you are in a relationship. Do you believe you would feel any less devastated if your common law partner gets you pregnant and then gets up and disappears and you never see him again? Or if you husband did the same? And don't say it hasn't happened because it did and does regularly. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Wait so you're basing your opinion of marriage on some stereotyping? OP marriage is just a long term relationship the same as any other but with some tax benefits and rings. Kind of naive to listen to people based on that, especially when most of it is only rubbish talk.
You're definitely hearing horror stories OP. Yeah some people get ground down after marriage but that's generally the whole mortgage/kids deal. In fact not being married would make that all a bit more difficult financially and make the who next of kin security thing non-existent.
I mean unless you're planning on having with kids with a guy you don't want to be with forever then what's the big turn off about marriage?
OP I get people that don#t believe in it, that's their choice. But fearing it is illogical. I mean why do you think gay people are so vehement about being allowed to marry? If it had no benefits then they wouldn't bother. Trust me it's not to tear down traditional marriage and it really isn't just for the principle either. Marriage has a lot of security attached to it. So you spend your time being a full time mother and suddenly he just leaves, you have very little right to anything he has unless you have common law marriage laws where you're from. What if your partner was the sole breadwinner and went into a coma, you have no say in what happens and his family can pull the plug and get full access to his estate regardless of your wishes.
OP as far as is it okay to tell us guys that you don't want marriage, of course that's okay. It's okay to tell us the things you feel are important to you, OP.
OP marriage changes very little in terms of the relationship. Divorce is a way of getting out of it if needs be, so it's not the trap people think it is. Just a lovely party that gives you more rights as a couple.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 April 2013):
The only difference between marriage and a committed relationship is the legal stuff and a wedding band. So I don't get why you're so fearful of marriage. Marriage doesn't change a committed relationship. It's just a ritual to show said commitment. And it takes more to get out of it if you end the relationship. But that's it.
Look 'always' is a long time. It's forever. Nothing lasts forever. Think about your life. Aside from the sun rising and setting, what has been a constant? Friendships get diluted and replaced by new ones, hobbies and interests change, you change. Being with someone till the day you die and still loving them is something that only few people pull off, if any.
That kind of bond, the one that stays strong and doesn't wither away through trials and hardship, it's very rare. And it takes work. And a certain mindset. The mindset that makes you stick around to try and fix things when you hit a rough patch. The mindset that makes you look at yourself and ask what you could do to improve yourself. But it takes two to tango. If the love is gone and the will is gone, there's nothing left but to break up. 27 years of marriage is a long time, almost your entire life so far. Don't underestimate that.
Also, you have to consider the children. Why do you want them? Is it the clock ticking, telling you to hurry up? Children thrive when their parents are in a committed relationship, full of love. So I'd make sure the relationship is solid first before even thinking about bringing kids into the world. You don't have to marry if you don't want to, but think about why you don't want it before you write it off completely.
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