A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it always wise to come clean about an affair? I've been married for 10 years. The affair happened 3 years ago and lasted for several months. At the time, my husband wasn't giving me much love or attention. The sex was amazing and I found it very difficult to let the affair go, but eventually didMy husband never knew about it. Since then, we've worked things out to a large extent. We are communicating more and he sets aside time for me. I wish it were more but I'll take what I can get. We are having sex again. I am almost happy but am having a hard time with the guilt over the affair. I have come close to telling him about it several times. Does he have a right to know? I feel like I should tell him but the words just don't seem to come out. On the other hand, should I just suffer with the guilt from the mess I created and let him be happy? Either choice causes me great anxiety. If only I could take back what I did. I would love to hear some opinions on this. I just don't know what would be best.
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female
reader, MadonnaMarlton +, writes (7 November 2008):
If your motivation is self serving then I would not tell him. Let's face it. You cheated on him because you wanted to feel better. Now, again, you want to feel better. Both the cheating and the unloading are both at HIS EXPENSE. How unfair is that?You should look to yourself and figure out why you keep doing things at his expense and figure out if that is how you want your lifelong commitment to him to be honored. If it is, then tell him. But, I warn you that nothing with him will ever be the same. He will see you differently for the rest of your life.If you feel your need to truly make up for what you have done, then give to him endlessly. Forgive him always. In the BIG BANK ACCOUNT OF LIFE you owe him beyond measure. Pay him back twice as much as you think you owe him. But, only do this if you have put out the fire of a cheating heart.
A
female
reader, MadonnaMarlton +, writes (7 November 2008):
If your motivation is self serving then I would not tell him. Let's face it. You cheated on him because you wanted to feel better. Now, again, you want to feel better. Both the cheating and the unloading are both at HIS EXPENSE. How unfair is that?You should look to yourself and figure out why you keep doing things at his expense and figure out if that is how you want your lifelong commitment to him to be honored. If it is, then tell him. But, I warn you that nothing with him will ever be the same. He will see you differently for the rest of your life.If you feel your need to truly make up for what you have done, then give to him endlessly. Forgive him always. In the BIG BANK ACCOUNT OF LIFE you owe him beyond measure. Pay him back twice as much as you think you owe him. But, only do this if you have put out the fire of a cheating heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): My husband of 13 years cheated on me and I found out on my own while it was going on. He ended it immediately and has been torn apart by the grief of what it has done to our relationship as much as I've been destroyed by it.Part of me wishes he had told me because it would have shown to me that he knew it was wrong and that he did not want to live a double life... or a life outside of our marriage any longer. In some sense, this would have meant to me that he affirmed his commitment to me and our marriage. Keeping his affair private meant to me that he continued to believe that he had a right to maintain a separate life. Including sex, talking and the emotions that go with it.The other part of me wishes I could enter into a time machine and go back to a time when I didn't know about it. Because, once I learned of it... I have never been able to look at him the same way. I see him as a user and a predator. Pretty difficult to adore and feel warm and cuddly towards a man you see in this light.The thing that bothers me the most about your post is that it seems to, once again, be self motivated. The affair was self motivated. Now, you don't want to feel bad about it anymore. So you, again, want to feel good... which is the very same self motivation that got you into trouble the first time around.Because your desire to tell your husband is primarily based upon your desire to 'feel better' I would not tell him. You deal with yourself and allow yourself to fully come to terms with what you have done. Now, make a decision. In the big bank account of life you owe him big time. Make it up to him in every way you possibly can. Forgive him for not being perfect. Forgive him for coming up short. See him with compassion and love. If your desire to confess to him comes from a truly genuine place. Then, tell him. Let me expand on this... He believes he is married to a faithful woman. He bargained away his option to feast on other women and has dedicated himself to you. That is precisely the exchange you made when you married. He doesn't know it, but he bargained himself away and got nothing in return. If you don't believe this is stealing from another person you are wrong. You have stolen from him your marriage vow. So what it all comes down to is what your motivations are. To serve yourself. Or to serve him.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (7 November 2008):
 I will say it outright, if I was cheated on, I WOULD want to know as that is defintely a DEAL BREAKER in my relationship. BUT......
This is the dilemma, freeing your guilt and causing him pain OR keeping the guilt to spare him of the pain.
I would say, on your side of the coin, I would not tell him. The affair is over, you are committed to him, love him, and are working towards a better relationship with him. If you feel you will always be faithful from now on, its probably best to keep that to yourself. If you were to tell him, it will devastate him. He will feel like it happened yesterday when it happened 3 years ago. The trust will be gone. The marriage could end or become very unstable. Do you want to go through that for the sake of guilt?
If this had JUST happened, then its in the air. I would have told him then and dealt with the consequences. But you are talking about something that happened 3 years ago, let it go and allow you two to blossom!
Take Care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): The classic '7 year itch'.
The sex aspect of an affair is so addictively exciting and I know how it feels, but sex is all it is most of the time. Nothing more complicated than a few stolen moments of intense passion here and there. I also know how the guilt feelings in the aftermath can tear you apart.
I don't think there's an absolutely 'best' way forward, but if I were you I wouldn't say anything to your husband. It's old news now, and all you'd be doing is trying to offload your guilt. If you do spill the beans, it won't be completely offloaded but will hurt your husband intensely.
I think the way I might get around the guilt would be to imagine your husband has also had an affair at some time during you marriage. The wife is always the last one to find out about it.
Maybe he did have an affair, maybe it was at the time that he was lacking in love and attention towards you. Just about the same time as you had your affair!
After 10 years, you're getting along ok now. Why spoil it?
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A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (7 November 2008):
Hi,
hmmm sometimes it is better not to tell... If there is no chance in the world that the affair will be out and he would find out by a third party, then I would say keep it to yourself. Try to think of it as a lesson in life. Maybe it made you realise that sex is not all in a relationship? or how much you really wanted your marriage to work?
on the other hand, if you tell, he might not be able to forgive or trust you again. It is a risk that you only can decide on taking. You only know how he will react if you told him. And how you will feel if he leaves.
Best of luck
Gio
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