A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been wondering for a long time whether what I experienced was just a one night stand or rape. A while ago I went to visit a friend of mine at school. We went out, and I drank way too much. I remember I was flirting with this friend of hers most of the night. As the night progresses, my memory begins to get shotty. I remember being in a car and being back at her apartment. A bunch of people were around smoking and I remember being huddled up on the couch only vaguely registering their existence. After that, I have a flash of memory in which the guy and I were making out on the couch. Then my next memory is of us, in a different place, (I don't remember how we got there) with him telling me he didn't have a condom. I don't remember my response, and then I have another flash of us having sex. I was participating and not passed out in that flash of memory. Is what I've experienced just a drunken one-night-stand or is it rape? I am assuming that I consented since I wasn't fighting him off, but I was obviously really screwed up at the time. I understand that either way, it's my fault for putting myself in that situation, but I just would appreciate some clarification.
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condom, drunk, flirt, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, lion heart +, writes (20 August 2010):
 well, ask your friends what they can remeber about the night n wen they last saw you see if you can find anything out. it wont be date rape if you have flash backs, my gf met this bloke who turned out to be a serial pedo luckly her now ex bf turned up just as she pasted out n the next day she couldnt remeber a thing of it.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 August 2010):
Sooooo.....you want to claim rape for a situation that you have effectively no recollection of.......
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Memory loss like that.. mmmm...I've come across it before and it led to a date rape drug. The lady was sent to the police and I think you should do the same.
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (17 August 2010):
It was a drunken one night stand, both consented and both were drunk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): why dont you stop getting so drunk! until yo dont know what your doing! one night stand...CLASSY!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 U were a victim of a one night stand with a creepster! Hate those guys who take advantage of piss drunk girls, its rather inhuman. Next time, drink in moderation so u dont give disgraces of the opposite sex a chance again.
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A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I think the legal definition of rape varies from state to state and country to country (and there are probably definitions for sexual assault and other terms like that), so if you're curious about what happened to you legally, you could probably do some online research about that.
Technically, I think that the definition of rape has to do with consent. It sounds like you had consensual sex with the guy. HOWEVER, some people believe (very strongly) that consent is invalid if it's given while the person is very intoxicated with alcohol or drugs. It's invalid kinda like how a minor's consent is considered invalid. In both cases, the underaged or intoxicated individual is considered not capable of making a level-headed, informed decision about whether or not to engage in sexual activity.
I think what is important right now is to assess how you feel about what happened that night. Do you feel upset about it? Do you feel embarrassed? It might be helpful to write about your feelings and really think them over, process them. Also, have you considered getting an STD test and pregnancy test done? Because I think that would be a smart move.
One more thing about rape: I don't believe the definition that consenting means you "never said no or actually took any action to stop him". In some universities in the U.S., including mine, it's taught that the ABSENCE of a yes means "no". In other words, both partners must say yes in order for the sex to be legitimate, not rape. There are different opinions on this, obviously.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (17 August 2010):
I wouldn't call it rape! im sorry to say that but when you start fooling around and have some memorie of it and just a Lil to much to drink and you didn't say no it was a one night stand! and a lessoned to be learned don't go there again!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Legally speaking, Britain (along with most western nations) will support you if you press charges. Rape laws are written in gender-neutral language, but almost exclusively in cases where both parties were drunk, the guy is assumed to be the rapist. Technically, by that definition, you *also* raped him, so if you pursue this path, beware of a counter-suit (not sure how the British system handles those).
Morally, no one here has been raped. You and he got drunk and hooked up. No one intended to rape anyone, you don't sound traumatized, and it doesn't appear that you ever told him to stop. Consider it a lesson in the dangers of drinking and kindly part ways with the guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Perhaps you raped him? You got drunk and got laid, he was probably just as drunk as you which makes you both 100% responsible.
Now if you had told him no then that is a totally different story but it sounds like you were a willing partner not a victim.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 August 2010):
It doesn't seem like rape, as you weren't being physically forced to do it. So it must have been by consent.
Your memory of it is probably vague because you were very intoxicated at the time. Alcohol will often fog your memory.
So I would put it down to the alcohol only. Going from one place to another without knowing how, means you probably fell asleep in between. That would explain it for sure.
I don't feel you have any cause for concern other than being drunk.
It might be wise in future though, to limit your drinking, that way you will never have a problem. The more you drink, the less control you will have over what happens to you. That's a scarey prospect. Because some men could take advantage of you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 He took advantage of your drunken state, a legal definition of rape. If you were in such a state that you can barely remember the night and have flashes of what happened, you were in no state to consent to sex, even if you had said yes you wanted to do it. I'm sorry this happened. Some sick guys think it's OK to have sex with girls just because they're too drunk to say no. Rape is a lack of consent, not screaming no no no and thrashing. Even if you say nothing and lie there, the lack of a yes/some kind of clear consent would make it rape. Even if you say yes, if you're really drunk it's still rape. This sounds like rape to me.
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A
female
reader, LisaSE  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 If you consented, it's not rape... o_o I'm afraid it's nothing more than having a hard time holding your liquour. That's called a black out... or he was so bad you're repressing it! :D Otherwise, the only other option is that something was slipped into your drink, but considering your description of flashes of memory and being active in the... events... I'd say you had a little too much to drink and now have regrets and memory blanks. I would suggest getting yourself tested perhaps! If he didn't have a condom??? Go see a doctor just in case is my biggest advice!
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