A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. Recently, I came to discover he likes porn a whole lot more than I realized. He looks at way more online porn than I am comfortable with. I also found out that he was having "chats" online with various anonymous women, to "boost his esteem". We've talked through a lot of our problems, but the reality is, he's more interested in sex than I am. It's not that I'm not interested, but sometimes sleep is way more important and enticing. We have 3 kids under the age of 8.Anyway, finding out that my husband wasn't exactly who I thought and was doing things I didn't know about created a lot of trust issues for me. Yesterday, I went to get some information from his e-mail account from something I sent him a few weeks ago. When I tried to log on, as I've done before, I found out he had changed the password. This e-mail account, by the way, was the one he previously used for "chatting". I wasn't checking up on him because he promised his "chatting" days were over. We have always had knowledge of each others accounts and passwords. Needless to say, my trust issues have come screaming back in my head and I realize that I really don't trust him. Is is possible to build trust in a relationship again? Should I ask him about why he changed the password? I'm not good at ignoring things, so that really isn't an option for me. Any advice would be welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): all the aunts here make good sense. however the thing about personal space is a red flag, it amounts to basically doing whatever each spouse wants and not being accountable for your actions.
him changing his passowrd. KEEPING IT A SECRET means that he knows he is doing something wrong. please do not ignore it, as the previous poster said. this will just manifest and it will make you go slowly mad. you need to ask him outright what is going on. hiding and keeping secrets is one of the sure signs that a relationship is going downhill.
regarding the lack of intimacy and sex. i know you are tired, but you need to just get over it., your hb has needs. do not make this into a chore. you need to start taking care of his sexual needs or else he is going to get it elsewhere. if you want to salvage this marriage you too need to work at it and sex and intimacy is a great part of marriage.
it will take you a long time to trust him again but if you want to start working n your marriage it means an open communication line and no secrets.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): All human beings need spaces to go mad in. Porn may be his escape. An email account with shared passwords sounds dangerous. That means neither of you have a space in which you can talk to friends about what hassles you... you are not giving yourself the space to be crazy :)
A combination of no personal space with no intimacy is not good for a relationship.
Also, porn is an addiction. Very often it lasts for a few months and goes away. One of the things that feeds it is the fear of being found out. Your discomfort with it and his need for it are two different things.
I'd ignore it completely and not confront him on it, even though it is something that hassles me. I agree with softtouchguy that you need to build on what you have. Once you have re-established intimacy enough to have pillow talk, bring it up like an adult but gently. Remember he wants to keep it a secret.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I don't want you to get paranoid, but honestly I think your marriage is at risk. Its not the porn itself (although I am with you on the uncomfortable issue)... its just as softtouch says its the lack of intimacy, and his loneliness. Eventually, its going to escalate even more.. the chatting... to talking by phone... to meeting. Then he's going to think he's in love.As a woman I can guess all the frustrated thoughts going through your head... "If he wants intimacy, why isn't he doing xyz..." "If he's lonely, help with the freakin kids..." "Talk to me!" fill in the other 1,000 thoughts rushing through your head... I know I get it.However, I think you need to take a weekend to yourself, to rest, think and strategize. It needs to be away from him and the kids. First, get some good sleep (amaretto works well). Then I want you to really think about how life without him would feel... imagine that this porn and online chatting was a real live face to face affair (got that picture?) now imagine that he decides that that feeling he gets from this new exciting high is better than what he has at home. And it will be (at first) because its an addictive feeling to feel like your at the top of world, someone thinks your perfect again, your the best lover, you feel young...At that point you'll probably be feeling terrified, angry, and many many other feelings... but feel them all. Now remember how you felt about him when you were dating, how good looking he was, sweet, sexy, considerate, loving,hot, boyish...perfect... if you got old letters read them.Those feelings you felt when you were young, you GOT to get them back, you for him and him for you. Forget that he's your husband and start thinking of him as your boyfriend. Your kids are important but he has to come first- he's the one you want to be with forever, the kids will be gone someday. If you lose your marriage, you'll be out there dating and putting someone else first (you will) anyway so don't make any excuses about how they need you and he should grow up ect. You NEED this too... you'll understand once you start stirring those feelings up again. I know you're focused on the trust issue and its legitimate but it'll cost you big if you pursue it. This is one of those choose your battles things. Try my way first, please. You can get his attention off that porn and chatting by turning up the heat big time. You can make that crap the worthless garbage it is... and he'll see it for what it is when he has a real live flesh and blood I want you bad girlfriend to keep happy.You're going to struggle with your own resentment at first until you see how exciting having a boyfriend can be... boyfriends help... boyfriends buy gifts... boyfriends tell you your hot... boyfriends want to please... and get this BOYFRIENDS RUB YOUR FEET!!!!!!!! This can be exciting for you too and that's where the strategy comes in. He is seeking to meet REAL legitimate needs, he NEEDS sexual fulfillment, sexual love and excitement, FUN... its just as REAL as your emotional need for love and affection. And I would bet you a million bucks your needs aren't being met either. To get what you need your going to have to meet his needs first... you may be tired and exhausted but don't wait to get your adrenaline rush when you find out he's leaving.You need a plan and you need to play to win... totally blow his mind with the new woman that walks into his life.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 This is one of those situations in a relationship where you need to spend more time together.
He's becoming interested in porn and internet sex chats because, frankly, his needs as a man are not being addressed. That's not completely your fault. There are three children involved in your marriage and so you're busy dealing with their issues, and now his.
Aside from sleep-deprivation, he's feeling lonely in the marriage. In essence the kids and other considerations are taking your attention away from him.
Now this happens to women too where their husbands are too busy to pay attention to their needs as women. So its not strictly a male thing.
His new-found addiction to porn and internet sex chat is probably a way for him to fill this vacuum in his life, largely the intimacy issue.
He probably feels somewhat ignored, emotionally, even though he won't admit it.
How to deal with this:
Intimacy falls into several slots in a relationship. One is the interpersonal, emotional connection. That is the deep, emotional commitment and intimacy that a couple share together. Its that knowing smile, that desire to be close together on things. Share thoughts and experiences and the like; and then there's the physical intimacy. The touching, kissing, hand-holding, cuddling and of course -- sex.
If he's looking at porn and going on chat sessions behind your back, he's finding women to spend time with him, emotionally and sexually that he's being robbed of in your marriage.
Like I said, its not your fault completely. You have three kids, and with work and everything else in between, you're running short on alone-time together.
The best thing to do is make time for each other and a lot of it. Get baby-sitters, rely on in-laws, have the kids do overnights with their friends. Whatever it takes to make time to spend together as a couple, alone.
Find out what he wants to talk about in his life. Ask him outright what is it that you're not giving him that these strangers on the internet are giving him (aside from the obvious paucity of sex, he's not getting "attention" as in him as a man and what he thinks, wants to do, or try).
You're going to have to re-establish all of those connections and make them deeper and make time for each other. Otherwise he's going to continue to feel neglected. And what he really needs to feel is like he's your man, and you're his wonton sex goddess. That's all.
If you get into that mood and frame of mind, and find out what's clicking in his head -- meet him halfway. Make a fantasy come true. Whatever it takes. If you do that, you'll probably enjoy it too. Sex is after all supposed to feel good, especially when you're with the person that you truly do love.
That's what I think is missing in his life. And as he nears midlife, you want to make sure he's not left out of the loop there.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Unfortunately, trust is something that is very hard to earn back. With good reason of course. Relationships have to have a good foundation of trust. Without it, things become really unpleasant really soon. The fact that your husband looks at porn is one thing. Men do that. Women do that. It's just a form of visual stimulant, especially if a partner is too tired or distracted to partake in sex (and with three kids, I don't blame you!). But the entire chatting thing wouldn't sit well with me at all.
The fact that he changed his email account is strange. I would just sit down with him and ask for the password. If you both have exchanged such information in the past, it shouldn't start becoming a problem now, should it? If he gets defensive and refuses to show you the inbox, that's something to worry about. If that happens, I would simply state that you don't know whether you can trust him anymore. This is bad behavior. How would he like it if you were chatting up guys to boost your 'esteem'? I wouldn't jump to conclusions first though. See if he is willing to open up and show you what's going on. If he isn't, that's when the time for confrontation should arrive. If you don't handle the situation now, the distrust will always be there, which will leave you very uneasy.
So get this settled now before it gets worse!
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