A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it acceptable or not for a married person to have sexual attractions to other people? I have been married to my wife for about 7 yrs. and she told me that although she is COMPLETELY happy with me sexually and I treat her right AND I give her more than enough attention, she says there's nothing unusual or even wrong about having a physical attraction to other people. I don't really agree with this and I don't work that way. She says I shouldn't be so insecure. She is not touching anyone, having sex or meeting with anyone or having secret contact with anyone. But I still don't like it when I give her everything and I feel like it's just not good enough. I don't have physical attractions to other people. If I did, it would be just in passing down a street or on a beach or on tv. NOT someone I see in my life!! Not someone I talk to like at a job or a friend... It makes me uncomfortable. My wife once cheated on me with another woman and she can't understand why this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I don't mean to sound pathetic. I just feel less desired and less loved. She thinks I smother her. I jsut want a wife who is JUST hot for me. I didn't think it was too much to want. Is it? If I am really being silly, let me know. I'd be curious to see what other intelligent people think about this. I have never cheated and my says she would NOT cheat on me or act on her attractions - she's learned her lesson. BUT it would greatly help me to feel secure if she would STOP living in the past and stop threatening to leave me whenever I don't act the way she'd like me to! I feel controlled like she is trying to control me with fear. But I am getting more afraid of her nasty attitude than anything else. I will not entertain a room of people she finds sexy and not acting on it. I don't think it's wrong of me to feel this way. Don't most people want a spouse who isn't having fantasies about her friends or whatever?? Am I mistaken? Sounds like hippie crap to me.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Then let her decide one final time. She either chooses to be with you or she doesn't and she is free to be with whomever she chooses. One thing you have to make clear is that she cannot keep on shifting her place in this relationship by bringing up the past anymore and then promising to be yours otherwise, sooner or later, this marriage will shatter violently and painfully before it dies.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I a the poster of this question here. THANK YOU for all of your responses. I TRULY appreciate your feedback! I agree that I do not feel secure in this marriage, and that is largely due to the behavior of my wife and the things she has said and done. I admit that when we met, I had "reasonable" insecurity. I was very overweight and had not been in a serious relationship. She had dated and had more sexual partners than I had. But she also never had been in a truly serious relationship, either. She was afraid of marriage. I never was afraid of it. But when we got serious and she moved in with me, we eventually discussed marriage. Next I proposed and she gave it thought and then agreed to marry me. She said I was the only one she would ever want to marry, despite her own negative outlook on marriage. To HER, marriage meant an ownership that was created by heterosexual men. I told her that marriage can be what a couple makes it. It is not a male-heterosexual thing. I told her I look at marriage as two people giving themselves to each other; not one person taking something from the other! To me, it is about the bonds and commitments of two human beings in love and caring for each other. No other people in the picture. She still loves me but she is frustrated by my obvious insecurity. She REFUSES to see or admit that she has played a HUGE role in just how insecure I have become with her. As far back as during the first year of our relationship, she used to ask me what I would do if she ever cheated on me. I told her I would not stay with her. I told her she would change my feelings for her and I would not be able to change them back all by myself. If it was full-blown cheating, my feelings would change irreparably. So years later, she told me she felt forced or manipulated into marriage. I never did that. I gave her a choice. I told her that if marriage was not something she wanted, then she should not be with me. She began to plan our wedding, but then put the brakes on it. When I asked if she had cold feet, all she said was that we weren't financially prepared for a wedding... She NEVER said SHE wasn't ready yet. I asked her, but she denied it, and told me that she didn't want anyone else... And to this day, I can see that there's nobody else she wants. But she sometimes acts like she's angry that she has no freedom to do so IF she should want that. She had spent time locked up before we met, and she has issues with freedom and things like rules or restrictions. I do NOT know how she feels. But she does not take full responsibility for her own actions. And she has mental problems that are not treated. I love her. She loves me. But I can only hope that love is enough for her. I will no longer tolerate her manipulating and controlling ME with threats of leaving. I told her that. Her cheating was not sexual, but it wasn't for lack of trying! Her cheating was kissing someone else and it got emotional. That killed me. But I will NOT tolerate anything like that again or worse. And she knows this. But she maintains that she is "secure enough" in her relationship that she won't flirt or cheat on me or be sneaky. I hope that she is this person she claims to be. It is so hard for me to feel as secure as she'd like me to be. Especially when she finds a blood relative of mine sexually attractive. AND she says we resemble each other!! I hate that. I told her it is repulsive. We agreed to find couples therapy. I hope it helps. I really do. I love her but I love me, too. I have been unhappy for a long time. I am not like most people. I don't even develop silly crushes on other people or fantasize about people because I'm just just not wired that way. My parents split after my mother's cheating, and I have strong feelings about that. I am totally against any kind of cheating. My wife wants me to get over what she did, but I'm still not there. I'm sorry. But she is not over the past, either as far as getting married when she wasn't ready. But I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her decide to be with me or not. I wasn't forcing her. I wanted to know how compatible we were. She was PUSHING me about having a baby before we even got married! I told her I didn't want to discuss that if she didn't like the idea of marriage. I didn't think it would be fair to me and a child for us to have a family and she wouldn't be committed to me. To US. I did not want that kind of life. It was HER choice to decide what kind of life she wanted. She blamed ME for her choices and said it was selfish of me to make her choose. She wanted me to let her go off and be free to date people or sleep with them and THEN come back to me... I cannot do that once I LIVE WITH SOMEONE AND WE SAY "I LOVE YOU." Maybe I am wrong. A jackass.. I just know myself and that would have broken my heart. I just wanted to be honest with her. She wasn't honest with me. She didn't want to lose me. Now she says her anger is my fault. I don't agree with her. We have argued at length for over TWO YEARS about this but she STILL won't move on. Even after she has DECIDED to be with me and ONLY me. She STILL dredges up the past. She never gets over the past. I hate it. I hope she doesn't ruin things but even if she does, she will say I ruined it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011):
Yes it is completely normal, but it is a bad idea to talk about it with your spouse. Your wife should've kept her thoughts to herself.
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A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 It would be very unusual if people in relationships were not even attracted to others, after all, attraction is a reaction, isn't it? As other posters have said, though - attraction is unavoidable but acting on it definitely is.
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A
female
reader, watshername23 +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Its completely normal to be attracted to other people when you're married. Its okay to think someone is attractive and "hot", its just human nature, everybody does it. However, its not okay when you're married and you think someone is attractive and you actually go out and have sex with them. But is that what your wife is doing? You already said that she's not cheating on you, so its not a really big deal. I mean c'mon, you really haven't seen anyone that you think is attractive?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 May 2011):
 I always say "I'm married not dead"
and I tell my man who loves to look at pretty young things (when I'm much older than he is) that "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.
Looking at
thinking about
fantasizing about
are all very different than doing WITH....
hard to accept... I know I want to be my man's one and only... it's not happening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): If your wife had cheated on you once already. And she keeps telling you about her physical/sexual attraction to people you both knew. Then i can understand why you wouldn't feel very comfortable entertaining them. It is one thing to see a good looking man or woman walking along the street and sneak a peek. We all do it at some time or another, that is normal. But it is quite another thing for your wife to point out to you the friends that are 'doing it for her'. How is that supposed to make you feel secure about staying with a cheat? She sounds a little mixed up to me and not really sorry for what she did. More like, sorry she got caught because it upset a comfortable life. She is being disrespectful and emotionally abusing your feelings for her. Not nice. It might be an idea to try some counselling and explore how you feel about the cheating and where you want this relationship to go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Is it Ok to have to empty your bladder every few hours ? Maybe it's not, in fact it is rather bothersome when you travel, but..that's the way it is.
It is natural to be attracted by what pleases your senses : landscapes, art, perfumes, and when it's a live person, yes, that' s a sexually based attraction. But ,as long as you don't indulge in it and most of all don't act on it , it's nothing bad.
It's like salivating in front of the scrumptious cake in the bakery window -also when you have tasty, delicious food at home.
Sure, some poeple salivates more and some less. I am a bit like you, very seldom I meet in the streets someone that immediately catches my eye , yeah I am picky. But, I DO like see pictures or movies with Jude Law, and I guess that if I'd meet a Jude Law lookalike in real life, that would prompt a bit of mental salivation.
I would not stress over it if I were you, in fact, I'd expect that it could happen to me too, out of the blue, any time.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (25 May 2011):
Normally I would say that you are in the wrong here because you can't stop someone from being physically attracted to someone else, same as how they can't stop themselves. Its whether or not they act on it and THAT is where you are right to feel that she is wrong. She has cheated before so its only right that you would be insecure about this relationship now. I'm not certain but it sounds like there might be trust issues involved here.
When you get married, you are expected to commit to your partner, no one expects you to get rid of everyone in your life you are even the slightest bit attracted to. People just expect that a spouse refrain from acting on those lusts. Jesus said that if you look upon someone with lust you have already committed adultery with your heart. When you look at someone you are physically attracted to. There's a difference between acknowledging their good looks and physique and fantasizing about them sexually. You can't know for certain that she fantasizes about them when she's with you. But I do doubt her loyalty because by what you've said, she sounds a little too willing to leave you if this relationship doesn't go her way.
I admire your loyalty and your strength against any temptation that would lead you astray from your marriage. Your wife on the other hand is a little too reckless. What I see is a marriage between two women that have attracted the opposite of themselves. You being the spouse that is dedicated to this marriage and she being the spouse that seems to miss the point of commitment. I suggest couples therapy or just talking to her about it. She can't keep threatening you with divorce because you decide to act one way. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 May 2011):
Wouldn't it be a wonderful world, if when we found the person we loved, we'd all just stop looking at others and really did commit? Maybe it would be better, maybe it wouldn't.
Sadly, we don't live in that world. That's why porn has existed since the dawn of time, that's why prostitution exists, that's why women flock to see the likes of Robert Pattinson, George Clooney and Brad Pitt in the cinema, that's why cheating exists - because in the end, being attracted to others, having fantasies about others, liking others, fancying others - it's natures way of ensuring that we have other options to continue to life cycle. You can't fight something that is inbuilt in genetics. Being attracted to others is as natural as say, breastfeeding, or eating or breathing. It exists because it has to exist.
The significant difference between us and the animal kingdom, is that humans have the capacity to choose between whether they cheat or not. I have never cheated. But I have been cheated on. And that's where your real problem lies.
It seems to me that rather than addressing the real problem in your relationship, you are fixating on a symptom of a much larger problem. Your wife has previously cheated - meaning there was a problem. Also, you suggest that she treats you badly - she doesn't understand the pain you've been through because of her, she acts controlling but suggests you smother her, she threatens to leave you, she controls you through fear etc.
Those are your problems.
You're fixating on something that can't be changed. You're fixating on an idea that you can't be attracted to other people. That is nature.
What you are not addressing are the choices that your wife has made. She made the choice to cheat. She made the choice to treat you like dirt.
Look closely at the problems in your marriage, rather than the symptoms. This isn't a happy marriage, as you claim it to be. It's one person treating someone that they're supposed to love very, very badly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Yes, it is normal for married people to be attracted to others. In magazines. Or in passing. For a brief moment. It can even be healthy to explore that with a trusting partner.
It is NOT healthy, however, for married people to be attracted in the long or medium term to people they actually know well and have regular contact with. Sometimes it happens (indeed, this is how many affairs start), but it's important that the person involved realizes that it's just not an appropriate emotion to have, and does their best to bring it back under control and then eradicate it. (While initial attraction may be instinctive, we all bear responsibility for the way we respond to that instinct, and we can control it and even destroy it if need be).
However, it sounds as though your wife is positively nurturing these feelings for other women, and that isn't good for either of you. I think anyone who had been cheated on (and therefore had justifiable trust issues) would feel uncomfortable, and I'm concerned at her apparent lack of care for your feelings. I am tempted to agree with you that this is as much about controlling you as it is a rather selfish and childish exploration of her own feelings. Perhaps she feels more loved and cherished when she thinks that you feel insecure. Perhaps she has a pathological need for the attention of others, based on a deep-seated lack of self-worth. Whatever, there's a psychological dynamic in there that needs to be investigated, probably in counselling.
That said, I think you need to think about your own feelings too. You say that she is basically using emotional abuse, threatening to leave you whenever things don't go her way. Why are you putting up with this behaviour? Most self-respecting women would not tolerate it in a partner, male or female! You sounds like a giving person to me - almost too giving - the kind who thinks that they are inherently not good enough, and almost expects to be drained dry, and treated badly in a relationship, rather than having an equal, supportive, loving partnership. Perhaps your wife does this because she knows she can get away with it - that you will take her back, a little more hurt and weary, every time. Maybe you need to figure what you can and can't live with here and come to a sensible agreement with your partner about how you both want to live and where your commitments lie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): This is sort of a hard one since it is complicated by her past cheating. Take that out of the equation and I would say everyone is an individual and it is not really a matter of what is okay for one person must be the same for the other but a question of clear boundaries.For example your boundaries should be the same in a marriage but your sexuality might be a little different.If looking at someone is not cheating for one person but is for another then that is a point of difference for example.It sounds like you both had widly different ideas about things at the start or early into the relationship (assuming that's when she cheated). - hopefully she has learned her lesson. I do not think you are silly, but that you need to try and think deeply about what your own needs are and she hers, I would suggest that you both actually write them down and make it a fun exersize about getting to know each other better, rather than one person has to be right and the other wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): You are feeling insecure because you don't trust her. She cheated on you and then brushed off your hurt. Those feelings will never go away while she doesn't understand or acknowledge your pain. You will either need to accept her infidelity which could repeat itself or leave.
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