A
female
age
30-35,
*ager1234
writes: I've had a relationship with a guy for about a year and a half now, we have never actually called each other " boyfriend, girlfriend" but when him and I are on good terms, he doesn't mess with other girls and I don't mess with other guys. We have sex, but we also go out to movies, bowling, dinner etc. Unfortunately we argue a lot about dumb little things. But besides that, the biggest problem is, he literally will be perfect one day, everything. Going great, and the next I don't hear from him. Things will go good for a week, then I don't hear from him, etc. His friends and people who know us refer to me as his girl, we act like were together when were around each other, someone who didn't know us would never know we weren't actually labeled, it just hasn't been " official". I have heard he's talked about it with his friends at times, making it " official". The one time i have brought it up, and straight up asked why it isn't official, we both had been drinking and he told me he was scared. All of his friends tell me he talks about me all the time, more than he has about any other girl, and they all say they can tell he loves me. He tells my friends how much he cares about me..and how everything he says to me is true but I don't know what to believe. We are on good terms one day, everything is perfect and the next he might act like I don't exist. he's fought my ex boyfriend that treated me bad. When were out together with friends he's very loving..always hugging me and kissing me. He can be very sweet.There are so many things that he's done that make it look like he cares then he will not talk to me out of nowhere. Hes the type of guy who shows his feelings to no one. Acts like he doesn't care about anything and he's very stubborn and cocky...he's got a big ego. He's opened up to me lotta times when he's been drinking..and he's not always drunk..but I feel like he just can't open up without a little alcohol because of the type of person he is. He also is the type of guy who has had a lot of girlfriends but once he's done with them he's done....hes came back to me for a year. He gets upset anytime my ex boyfriend is brought up by our friends. Basically one day were perfect and the next he could be ignoring me. He loves me then he doesn't call or answer me. And I know that the sex has nothing to do with it bc he doesn't always get it when he chooses to do things with me and a lot of the things he's said he doesn't need to say to get it and he knows that. I am so confused and I don't know what to think or do with all these mixed signals that are supposedly because he is scared. This has been an issue for a while, and recently during one of our arguements I was with his friends, he wasn't there, and I had sex with a guy that some of his friends are friends with. He found out and was really mad. I admitted it and said it was a mistake , he asked how it happened and why I did it, he was really upset, and for the first time he showed it in front of everyone. He said he was gonna beat the kids ass. I ended up getting him to make up with me, he said we were made up but he was still mad about it. We ended up having sex that night. Talked the next few days some but things weren't the same. A week later a friend of his had a party planned that I had been invited to a while ago, he randomly texted me the night of, after we hadn't spoke in a few days, and told me that it wasn't happening. I told him I wasn't planning on going anyways. Later that night I found out from someone else that the party did happen, and they over heard him talking to one of my friends about how bad he wanted to f**k her friend. This was a week after he found out I had sex with one of his friends , friends. So I found out that they were all over each other through whole night. Him and I haven't spoke and idk what to do! :(
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female
reader, jager1234 +, writes (11 May 2011):
jager1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, has helped alot! I appreciate everyone's time. Now, I'm just going to sit back and wait and see if I hear from him anytime soon, if I don't I plan to move on as much as I don't want to :( ...if he calls I plan to lay down the law and let him know the games are not going to go on anymore, were together or were over.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): I find this situation so typical... booze + immature egotistical guy + sex + other friends + pretty girl = Disaster. The only thing that equation is missing is the "Nice guy who gets axed then hits the gym cause hes so f****** pissed off"... oh wait he's right here. Equation solved. Grow up. Get rid of this guy and seek a stable relationship with clear signals and a level headed man who doesnt need to measure his dick to think he's cool shit.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Good grief. You go out for a year and a half, but you don't make it "official". Trust me, sleeping with another guy did nothing to help that out.
You might say to yourself, "well, since he didn't make it official, it's not cheating". The truth is, there's a sort of "common law" feel to a long term relationship that didn't have "the talk" about being official. Legally and semanticly, you didn't cheat, but morally and in every other way, you did.
What you should have done before cheating is tell him that if he wasn't willing to make this "official", then you were going to start seeing other people. Then he would have had to weigh his fear of commitment over his fear of losing the woman he loves.
As it is, he's looking to sleep with others now to shield himself from his broken heart. I don't know how salvageable this relationship is. Communication could have saved it from the start.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Hi
firstly I would like to say please dont continue this tic for tac by sleeing with someone else, just to prove a point, because from what I am reading so far you both have some more growing up to do. He may very well be scared of commitment, but that is no way to treat a girl , he either needs to be with you ONLY or not. And that goes for you too, If you really like him why sleep with a freind of his freinds? as surely you knew he would find out? Also if his the type of guy that will only open up after having a drink, then I guess this is how he will always be with you, as it's been a year already so he wont change. Saying he wants to F**K a girl suggests he has no respect for women, and he see's them as meat. Is this really the type of guy you want to have a relationship with? why dont you back off for a while, do your own thing, if he really likes you he will come round and apologise for the way his been. And if he dont you will have your answer. Sorry for being blunt. But I will only speak honestly .
I hope this has helped
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (10 May 2011):
It sounds like this relationship has run it's course. I can't speak for all guys but personally, if I was in to a girl (however messed up or casual it was) the moment she started sleeping around in my social circle would be the end of any possible commited relationship with her.
It sounds like you need a proper boyfriend, who is proud to call him yours, and can be open and honest with you.
Best to put this relationship behind you, and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Even though you were not labelled boyfriend and girlfriend I think it was obious to you both that u were in love and together , u cheated on him so he's bitter about it. It won't ever be the same
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Why do you even care what he does? Just because now you know it doesn't mean he's been faithful to you over this year and a half, and certainly you can't have been expecting much as he is on and off and never knows what he wants. What makes you think he's not sleeping around while he's ignoring you on one of his odd days?
Nothing has changed in this relationship as far as I can tell. You're in your rights to sleep with whom you want as you're not exclusive, and he's got a right to do the same. Whether or not it is out of revenge is questionable, but I don't see how it matters much. If he had been wanting to sleep with this other woman, regardless of you being faithful to him or not, would it have bothered you? If so why?
If what you want is an official relationship, by now you KNOW this isn't the guy who's going to give you that. Yet you appear to have been fine with the arrangements so far... are you suddenly not fine with them after all? If so, make it clear that you are ending it and will from now on be looking for something serious and uncomplicated. Either he's in or he's out. Make up your mind and follow through with it.
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A
female
reader, jager1234 +, writes (10 May 2011):
jager1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys...I really don't want to end things, I want to give it one more shot with my lessons learned. If he comes back, how should I handle the situation? ( with the girl he had sex with and him and in general)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 You aren't official. Your having sex with his friend is confirmation that it's not time to make anything official. When someone is not ready for a relationship, a better solution is to find out the root cause of his resistance, then ease his fears, OR, break the friendship off and find a more emotionally stable guy, rather than fighting and going behind his back.
Remember until the relationship becomes official, no one can act like he owns the other, like he did here by saying he wants to beat the kids' ass. In a mature relationship no one really owns another.
He only cares about you until he's hurt. He has associated relationships with pain so he feels free to be single again. He has resorted to physical to solve problems because he doesn't know how to talk about feelings. No one taught him.
What does being scared mean? It can mean scared of being hurt, but it can also mean scared of losing freedom. One of the reasons why guys pull away because when guys become emotional they feel out of control. They need space to regain posture and focus. That's the thing with boys learning to become men. When men get used to relationships they get more comfortable but still you need to give them space. Try not to feel like they don't love you. Just remember men and women are different.
Overall, I am afraid to say there isn't enough to hold this relationship together. You should free yourself from this mess and start fresh after you think things through.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 You seem to have put up with his bullshit for a while. If I were you I would have left long ago. You deserve to be treated better than that. When you're in a relationship, you're committed to that person because you love and care for them. You don't just choose when you do or don't want them to be in your life. It's called respect. Even though he's "scared", he wouldn't have stuck around for this long.I honestly have no idea what his deal is, but both of you don't seem to respect each other or your relationship if you both go and have sex with other people (unless having sex with others was agreed upon as OK). Of course both of you are going to be mad about it. However it doesn't seem like you guys properly communicate this to each other. You really need to sit down and talk and be straight up about what the problems are or where you see this heading. If you guys don't sort it out and talk soon, it isn't going to get any better for you.Best of luck.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 May 2011):
 I feel like some people might consider him a jerk, but I'm not ready to go that far, he just seems like a confused scared person who doesn't want to be hurt..even having a big ego can be a cover for little actual self-confidence..
First, both of you have to stop playing games with each other. Either you like each other enough to have the respect not to sleep with new people when you get hurt by your person, or you don't have anything at all. both of your communication lines after be a little better. there are better ways to get messages that you have been hurt and angered by someone than to use one of his friends for sex to punish the other (for him too). Talking through issues works them out better than anything else.
Second, I think that at this point you have to push him to make up his mind, either he can't get past his fears and he leaves you alone, or he takes a risk, makes it official, and is consistent with his love. His heart is already in it, to some degree, so he's already going to get burned if this doesn't work out. Give him an ultimatum, are we doing this or not, and be forceful about it, like if he comes back around in a month or two, you should consider that too late. Give him time to think about it (a day or two) and then move on if it doesn't work out.
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A
female
reader, laetitia +, writes (10 May 2011):
 Well, him wanting to fuck someone else doesn't necessarily has anything to do with you or your actions in the past. If you two weren't in a defined relationship, technically you are not exclusive and each one of you allowed to sleep with other people. Trying to "get back" at each other this ways is very childish. If you want to be with this guy, you have to talk to him and make it clear that you two have to become official and exclusive. If he is "scared", then move on.
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