A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I posted a question earlier but did not recieve any replies so I'm going to try again and make it more conciseI'll start by saying that I'm 31 yrs old and basically in my first "real" relationship. I should also mention that I suffer from extremely dehabilitating anxiety. This has plagued every attempt at a relationship I've made. I been seeing someone for more than two months now and talking to him for three. It does seem as if the basis of our relationship is friendship. We have so much in common,say things at the same time, laugh hysterically together. . .he is a delight to have in my life.The romantic aspect it what I question. I definetly do have feelings for him that are more than platonic. He says that he has feelings for me as well but they are "not as strong as I might like them to be. At least he's being honest:(.It's confusing because he talks of the future with us, like its certain. He buys me small, sweet gifts, offered to give me money when my phone was turned off, etc;.But he has also asked me if i "want to be just friends" when I question our relationship repeatedly.I can't help it.The last time we were together Iasked him"so, do you want to be just friends?" he said "no, I don't know why I said that". Hmm . . .The question is, should I end this before I get hurt terribly. Should I contrue what he said as the ultimate brush-off and move on or should I give it more time? I would appreciate any feedback.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): To the last poster-about the intimacy part-yes, we have! And forgive me for speaking so candidly but that part seems to be getting better. Another reason why I'm confused!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Sounds like he really admires as a friend, but not romantivally. Have you gauy been close physically?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Just wanted to say another thank you for taking time out from your busy schedules to answer this. I'm really finding it helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): OK, it sounds like you have made the typical female error of pushing too hard for something he is not ready for. You have only been seeing him 8 weeks and talking to him for 12. MEN LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE INDEPENDENT. Pushing for an answer already about the relationship is risky. No man thinks in terms of going into a relationship looking for a commitment. That just happens in time in a natural way.
If he is not still interested, he will be if you continue this course of action. Take a step back. I don't know the details, but if you are sitting around waiting for calls, etc., FORCE YOURSELF NOT TO. Go out by yourself or with a friend. Show him there is a little competition. MUM IS THE WORD, SUGAR. Say nothing. Silence is golden.
Take it from an old woman who has been around the block and back.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I usually find that when someone is trying to break it off, they do. There is no need to question it.
I agree with the statements above which suggested your anxiety is causing you to question things too early. I would add that by asking him repeatedly about what he wants, you are going to bring about the end of the relationship.
When I am with someone who constantly asks about "our future" and "how I am feeling", I end up losing interest more quickly... espcieally after only a couple of months!
Its too early to determine where your relationship is going because you are still in the "discovery-phase". You might change your mind in a couple of weeks, yourself.
If you start thinking, "I should end it first so I won't be hurt," then why not extend that philosphy to "why go out of the house - I might get hit by a bus"?
What's the worst that can happen? Your relationship as it is defined today, ends. You get hurt...
Then you get over it and realize that you gained valuable practise for a future relationship, and that getting hurt is part of life and while unpleasant, it is not something that destroys you.
Take one day at a time. Enjoy what's happening now. Let go of the worry that you may get hurt. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I've been hurt. I embrace those experiences. I am a better person for them.
Good Luck.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (8 September 2009):
I will qoute a line from a song I like. "Somebodies got to be first to say they are falling in love". If you or him don't want to be the first to take that emotional leap with the other then nothing will happen and this relationship will just disappear into oblivion. Someone has to be willing to make the emotional investment and risk getting hurt. To me it seems like both of you are afraid of getting hurt and if thats the case then someone has to be first to come forward and say "I want to be more than your friend." If I were you I would leave it alone since he has already said his feelings weren't as strong as you would like them to be. Some times you have to let someone miss you. If its just plain difficult to express his feelings than he needs to muster something up to show you that he feels the way you want him to feel. I would let him go and if he comes back and says he loves you and wants to be with you than you know. I wouldn't settle for anything less than those exact words from him if you do let him go for a little while.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Thanks so much! I appreciate ANY feedback. it means a lot to me. have a good day!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I can understand you being concerned. Having suffered from extreme anxiety myself, I know how much it can affect your life, and your relationships. So I can understand you being concerned about the welfare of this friendship/relationship.My opinion is that it is still early days. You have been talking for a few months now, which isn't a great deal of time really. You say that you get on with this guy great, which is a really positive thing. I don't know whether he wants to remain only friends, or become something more. It sounds to me like he is unsure himself at this stage. Perhaps as time goes on and you get to know each other even more, he will become clearer about what he wants. So I would encourage giving things more time, and just enjoy getting to know each other better.Even if he doesn't want a relationship, could you not simply remain friends with him? If you two get on well, then he could become a good friend. I know you may be hoping for more, but if he isn't, then do you think you could cope with just being friends with him? I suppose I think it would be a shame to lose him when you could stay friends. But obviously, it depends on you, and if you felt that you couldn't deal with him just being a friend, then you could make the decision to say goodbye and move on, if you are worried about getting hurt.But like I said, my suggestion would be to try and give things more time, and see how it progresses. Even if a relationship doesn't develop, it sounds like you would still have a great friend. So be patient, and try not to worry so much. I can understand you wanting to protect this relationship as much as possible, considering what you are going through. But instead of worrying, try and just enjoy the time you spend with this guy, and don't think so far into the future. I'm sure things will work out fine. Take care. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): your anxiety prompts you to question things too much too early. if you could recognize that, then perhaps this, or another relationship in the future would last longer than the very short courting phase. it is not often that we know exactly what we want from the beginning. everytime you question this out loud to him, you are helping him feel like you do not want to be with him. thus, he loses a deeper feeling for you as well. most people do not want to be rejected. they want to be wanted, so the more that one wants the other (or at least demonstrates it, and doubt is the opposite of showing how much you want him), the more the other wants the other. this isn't always the case of course. sometimes people are incompatible in general, or there's just going to be a reason things don't work out. however, you have barely even gotten to know this guy (2 months isn't very long), so i'd say you should sit back, enjoy your experience, and try to stop questioning it so much...and looking so far into the future. i used to be very anxious myself (perhaps not as much as you...who knows?)...and i know what it's like to doubt and jump to conclusions way too early. it can really ruin some things. i don't know the cause of your anxiety, but i found so many things helped calm it. little to no caffeine (the biggest cause i know of anxiety), exercize, not much sugar/highly processed food, regualar sleep, a diet that especially is rich in b vitamins, magnesium, calcium (and other vitamins/minerals),counseling, meditation, doing more of what i truly wanted to do and just letting go of everything and allowing the worries to exist but not control every aspect of my existence, because i know they are just a product of my mind and my mind could look at a situation a million ways and it used to always pick the most negative/fearful perspective. anyways, these are just some suggestions that at least helped me. maybe you've tried some or all of them yourself...or you've found something else that helps you entirely different.
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female
reader, Blanket +, writes (8 September 2009):
Just give it more time. No reason to rush the situation. Maybe he is trying to fill you out. He may just want to be friends and if so, what's wrong with that. Be his friend and guard your feelings until he says other wise. Don't go ending good relationships b/c things are not going the way you want. The only way I can see you being hurt in the end is if you build up false hope after he has already established his feelings of wanting to be your friend. He sounds like a good guy so be patient.
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