A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there dear cupid.My boyfriend and I of a year recently split, okay, he dumped me. I posted another question a while back about if it was best for me to walk away etc. because he's been having such a hard time with finances, work, family and many other things. We decided to take two weeks away from seeing each other, so he could get things sorted out, as well as myself. Two days later, he breaks up with me feeding me the same story about how he's stressed, has alot going on and all of that. On the other hand he still wants us to be friends, he still calls me, he still tells me he loves me, he still wants to come hang out with me sometimes. He tells me that he thinks without a doubt we'll be back together in the future. My question is, do you believe that he really does plan on getting back together with me in the future, or is he just trying to spare my feelings? He's so afraid that I'll move on, and I'm afraid he'll move on. I've taken this split very hard since he was my first serious relationship. I do want to be with him in the future, I'm just afraid those aren't his intentions, and here I am hoping and excited for when that day comes. If that day never does come and weeks or months from now if he tells me he found a new girl, thats reliving heartbreak all over again. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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female
reader, junebug +, writes (18 August 2008):
oh i didnt relize what u ment the 1st time.well im not trying 2 sound harsh but apparnetly u want advise from ppl u dont know and wanna hear the truth(sorry im trying 2 butter this up) *but*anyways i feel like u should leave before u really get ur heart broken.....again. Dont waste ur time on someone how wants to put u basicly on the back burner.thats just wrong. U seem like a wonderful girl and so many guys would want a girl like u. Im not just ssaying that. A lot of girl i know are just gold diggers or slut from where i live.but honey dont waste ur time with someone that just is honestly an ass.just please walk away and dont look back.u are not losing anything u will be gaining respect for urself,self-steem and pently more things (not saying u dont have any)but u will look back and be thankful for leaving him.hell yes its gonna hurt u!ur heart is broke but it will heal over time.dont waste ur time on some jackass who wants u only when he needs u.if he loved u he would have tried.im sorry.good luck!junebug
A
female
reader, les +, writes (18 August 2008):
I realize where you are coming from but I still think you're setting yourself up for disappointments.
He says that he's stressed and has problems and can't be with you now. Great, let him figure out his problems and learn how to deal with stress and come back to you.
But you need to put your feelings aside and look at the situation logically - he can't be your bf right now b/c he has problems. But he can go through the motions of being your bf - having your full attention, emotional intimacy, security in knowing that you're there for him. And you're giving all of this to him. Except he's not your bf and is in no way obliged to return them to you. If his problems dont prevent him from talking to you on a regular basis and telling u that he loves you and planning a future together than why are they preventing him from fully commiting to you now?
Do you see that this is for his own convenience? If he needs to move on, whatever, you guys arent together. If things dont work out for him - there's always you there. I have no doubt that he probably has problems and is trying to deal with them, but it doesnt change the fact that it really sounds like you're hte fall back plan, whether its intentional or not.
As a guy he's not gonna cut the bs, he's prob not gonna tell you the truth to spare your feelings. If he tells you you're gonna work things out in the future, then great, let him come to you when he's already. But dont sit around like a good old puppy dog waiting for her owner to come home.
I dont mean to sound harsh but I was in a similar situation to you, and I didnt want to listen to the same advice I'm giving you now, and they guy just ended up moving on and not respecting me b/c I didnt respect myself enough to put my feelings for him aside and do whats right for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mean my issue isn't the waiting, its the fact that I may be waiting for no purpose. I have sat down, and talked through with him that if his intentions are getting back together in the future with me, thats great because I definately want to give it another shot. On the same token if he's just saying that to spare my feelings, he needs to cut the BS and just tell me straight up we have no future as nothing more than friends. He has told me more than once that if he didn't plan on getting back together with me in the future, he wouldn't tell me that and I want to believe him, I'm just afraid of being hurt. If I sit here and wait weeks more for him, or months for him, and it all of a sudden surfaces that he's with somebody else, or intrested in somebody else that will be heartbreak all over again. Its so hard for me to just walk away, especially him being my first serious relationship and spending almost everyday with somebody for a year. On the same token, I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak.
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A
female
reader, les +, writes (18 August 2008):
Hey,I would make a conjecture here that his intentions are not to get back with you in the future. I think that he's still in touch with you for reasons that are not necessarily related to romance or your future together - he thinks of you as a friend, someone to rely on, someone to confide in and someone stable in his life. In addition to all of those, you are someone who cares about him more than he cares about you. So I'm sure with all of the problems going on in his life, it is a wonderful ego stroke to tell someone "I dont want a relationship with you but I still want to keep you around for my own emotional reasons without me giving anything back to you" and you responding with "okay, honey, if that makes you feel better." Does that make sense? If you are okay with being friends with someone like this or waiting for him to possible come around, great! But it seems like you're not, and although it might hurt you now, I think that in the long run you will feel much better if you respect yourself and say - "hey, no, if you want to act like my bf then you have to be my bf; if not, I'll find someone else who cares enough about me to deal with his problems." And take yourself seriously. Then, maybe, he'll wake up and take you more seriously too.
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A
female
reader, junebug +, writes (18 August 2008):
if u dont feel its right then dont do it.he really could just want time to get things figured out.and he dont want to freak out or push u away and thats the only way he can do it.tell him how u feel.tell him how its not fair that u love him and cant wait for u guys to be together and if he really loves u and misses u he will just try to work things out.and put the break up behide and show u guys how much u missed esch other and love each other.if he dont want u to move on then he better show it! Just tell him,ya know what i mean?but it just isnt fair 2 u and ur heart.its been 2 weeks he should understand.or give him a date be like i love u but im not gonna waste my life waiting for some1 who how to figure out stuff.i wanna be wit u but its not fair.idk. Good luck xoxojunebugxoxo
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