A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 4 years now. When we first met he would always go on about his ex girlfriend. He would tell me he didnt love me but he did love her straight away he just chipped away at my self confidence but also i knew she would e mail him every now and again but he'd say he couldnt be bothered with her.now we have 2 children under 2 he seems so distant and is hardly around he has his own flat which i havent been to in around a year things seem so different especially since the last time he went out with is mates (i have never actually been invited to go along as he believes woman shouldnt be out with the lads)so anyway i decided to look at his mobile a week or so ago as i just had a strange mis trust in him,its not like his out often just to the gym,and i stumbled across a text from someone called "jon" he had asked if "jon" was out with a x at the end then he had a reply bk also with a x at the end and a further 2 texts with a x,i know he wouldnt send a x to a male so i took the number down my mate called it and pretended to get the wrong number and a female answered i never told him this.i then asked who "jon" was to which he replied a mate from work i asked whats with the x's he said its non of my business why was i snooping but last time i had doubts he said i could check anytime.id never seen him leave so quickly,after he kept trying to hug me and i kept questioning him.it took 2 days for him to say it was his ex but it was purely innocent texts,he just would of met up with her if she was out to show how well his life is going now,how exactly can he do that when his half cut at 1 in the morning.she was also the only friend he had on facebook for over a year never even knew he was on there.just wondered if im over reacting but i dont know wether it was innocent like he says or he was after more that night and since then,its been 2 wks now i've seen him a few minutes here and there,should i keep him or not just dont know what to do i just dont like the sneakiness of changing the name either and lying to me.but i do have kids with him and i dont know if they do meet up.
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confidence, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi would like to say im not needy i just tolerate far too much. ive not been happy for ages im basically a single mother already even with him in my life so it probably wont take that much getting used to i just dont like upsetting people and fear what will happen especially when his down he comes out with i might aswell be dead how do u then say its over but enoughs enoughs now. thanks though you've been really helpful.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi would like to say im not needed though i just tolerate far too much im basically a single mother already even with him in my life so it probably wont take that much getting used to thanks though you've been really helpful.x
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I'd lay money that he is back with his ex. All the signs are there, the secret texting, the changed names, the fact she is back from Australia and the distance he is now putting between you and him.
You have just had a baby so your at a very vulnerable point. This guy is using you as a doormat and you know it. You need to build your self confidence and it will take time. Open your eyes to what's really happening and formulate some kind of plan to get yourself and the kids out of this diabolical situation.
There is, in the UK today an entirely new breed of men. They are selfish, think they can have what they want, turn their backs on the mothers of their children because they want someone or something else. Nobody stops them or questions why they do this, they simply doas they wish and pity the poor woman who is under their feet!
I know it's a bad time for you and that you need love and support. Try and draw your family or a good friend in to help you. Men have treated you badly and no matter what you do, you just cannot get the love and respect that you want...it's because your 'needy' and men sniff that out and manipulate it.
Look at the long term picture. Do you want this to go on forever?...I am sure you don't. Do for yourself, get organised and keep him out of your home. If he wants to see the children, he can come and collect them, but make sure he is paying proper child support. You will feel sad for a while, but your sad already and your heart is filled with fear and uncertainty. Take back the control and absolutely do not allow him to continue to treat you like this. Your a human being and a mummy, you have the potential to create some real security and happiness for yourself and this will build your confidence and strength.
Who knows...when the kids are grown a little, someone else may come into your life...and your life is in your hands, don't sacrifice it for someone who is taking you for a fool.
AE x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again for all your replies and support just spoke to him on the phone told him we need to talk about us and im not going to hold back my real opinions or feelings like i normally do.deep down i feel i do deserve better and i think it is probably time i told him to be honest ive hated him for a while now but just kept going cos i was pregnant and thought it would get better will let u know the outcome later.cant stress my thanks enough just needed some reassurence that i shouldnt have to tolerate this.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): ~Sweetie, Kick his lame butt to the curb. NEVER REDUCE YOURSELF TO BEING ANOTHER'S SLOPPY SECONDS..Eegh~
I'm sorry but while I love unconditionally, that is the one thing that I have never and will never tolerate. I am a woman of immense Self-Respect, not to mention I'm waaaaay to good!~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thanks youre reply.well i think i was a bit stupid and naive as this is only my second relationship as an adult my last was from the age of 17 to 27 then i met him my ex was mentally abusive and told me i was fat and no one else would want me so i lost weight got some confidence and wanted a relationship maybe why i put up with him for so long.at current ihave a 22 month old son and 10wk old daughter with him his hardly there we hardly have sex or even show affection i feel so worthless right now like his treating me like my house is just somewhere to eat and save on his bills.do u think i should question him to see if this is the case or just get rid??also she was in australia coping with depression at the time he said he loved her straight away so i wasnt worried till she came back last year.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Sweetie~You can't blame him for feeling the way he does about her, just as you feel about him..BUT..the good news is once you manage to detach yourself from the dysfunction such that you can think straight you are going to realize that it wasn't actually him that you were trying to let go of but rather the dysfunction that you had come to misconstrue as his love for you when in all actuality it was his gross abuse of you. AND EVEN MORE DELIGHTFUL when you least expect it an angel who on his worst day will outshine you bf on you bf best day will make you stop in your track and ask, "WTF?! Planet was I on?"
~Sometimes you have to lose to WIN..Trust Me On This One Sweetie~ Support Hugs to You!
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female
reader, LaDiabla13  +, writes (2 November 2010):
Honey....he's always wanted her. He's been using you as a placeholder. You've been keeping her spot warm.
What concerns me is that he straight up says he's still in love with her and you still pursue. It sounds to me he was just bidding his time. Leaving so fast to see an ex? Im sorry but no one just arbitrarily decide one day to get back with an ex. He was never over her.
I'm so sorry you had to waste time on him but do not delude yourself into thinking that things will change
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