A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im in need of some advice, i been with a guy for 7 years and is has been a roll coaster. i feel like he is so selfish and only cares about himself but yet again, he says im selfish. we are in a long distance relationship hes in florida and im in new york, the first 5 years we we were together we were in new york but he had trouble finding a job so after 5 years he decided to go to florida and go back to his old job and i stayed in new york cause i was going for my associates degree and now im going for my bachelors degree and im also working out here. he wants me to give up on everything and go live with him because hes having trouble finding his own apartment because his crdit is messed up. long story short hes always complaining that im cheating on him because im going to school and working, he wants me to do what he wants to make himself happy. he claims hes doing all this for us but all he doing is working and when he needs money hes calling me to send him money, but he claims that hes building a future for us, he says that i will never find another man that will do this, im a lucky woman to have him etc, but my question is am i really being selfish wanting to stay in new york to better my life?
View related questions:
long distance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 for me the guy who says "you can't do better than me" is to be dumped.
I hope and pray you are NOT sending him money.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. Sounds to me like actually he is being selfish.
he moved to find a job that's good but he wants YOU to send him money for HIS life? Umm.. NO. just no..
an
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 No, you are not being selfish. Or, if we want, you are , in a sound, and happ healthy sense, in the sense that you are putting yourself first and not letting ( hopefully !) undue emotional blackmails hold you back. This guy is not a minor, and you are not his MOM, why should YOU bail him out from the difficulties HE created for himself, at the cost of your own success and happiness ? How is he building your future..., with YOUR money ? ( why do you even send him money, btw - he's got a job, he 's not destitute- he just needs to learn living within his income ). You'd be crazy to drop all that you have accomplished and worked hard for, just to make his life easier , but, regardless of that, he spells trouble for you, he sounds so much of a dead weight , and I hope in time you'll realize it and you'll see you'd be better off unsaddled with the responsibility of his life.
As for not being able to ever find another man like him...I had to laugh, he was involuntarily funny :) . I wish you'd never meet anybody else like him !.. unluckily, he's not the only wanna be moocher and exploiter in circulation, ..I am sure there are plenty of guys like him, that can't find their way out of a paper bag and count on their women to make an easy living for themselves. The problem is, to screen them out in time .
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 May 2014):
 I'm confused. So what exactly is he doing to build your future together? Asking you for money? So he's building your future with your money? Yet you're supposed to be grateful? And he also thinks you'll never find another man to do this for you?? What the hell is he even doing besides taking your hard earned cash?
This guy sounds like a total loser.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): What does your gut feeling say? does the relationship feel healthy or unhealthy.
I feel that you will know the right answer by listening to your bodily messages, such as how does it feel in your body for you when your boy friend says those types of things to you.
Weather a persons behavior is right or wrong it will be right based on what they veiw on their perception.
He could be projecting his own negative behavior on to you or could just precieve selfishness that's not really happening.
Only you can decide from the key messages your body is indicating
How does it make you feel when he asks for money?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): This is completely screwed... You're working at furthering your ambitions, building a life for yourself, while not ONLY putting up with his crap but financially supporting him?? He doesn't care about YOUR interests he's not a nice person- he wants to keep you in check under his control, because it makes him feel important and superior! Imagine you drop everything, importantly your education, that you've INVESTED money, effort, time in- in order to sort out HIS finances?? You're providing and submitting more and more to him every day, while he works on breaking you down... I can EASILY imagine him getting a fancy for a random girl, be shifty, and probably start to guilt trip YOU into being an untrustworthy partner, due to deep seated guilt, insecurity- it's all about manipulation.He calls himself a man does he? A "man" That relies on your hindrance and dependence on him for his own delusion of power and success. He's already got SOME control over you due to the fact that you're even unsure on WHO the selfish one is here ( him lol) This isn't a healthy set up and he's a manipulative control freak- whatever he's telling you is manipulation because would you honestly want your other half to throw away what they've achieved, their ambitions, AGAINST their will, just for him to sort out your finances? He's already in your mind, creating doubt and anxiety... DONT let him gain full control, my close friend is in a relationship with a guy that sounds horrible like this one, I've observed them for years and I just WISH I could make her see... It's crazy hard to be brave and take off those rose tinted glasses, a massive step into the murky unknown, and that panic that you won't be able to be without him... Like heroin, just to the urge to go back is so strong, it doesn't mean you should! Be strong and don't mug yourself off... Take care xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Any man who says you'll never find a better man, that you're a lucky woman for having him, and he's trying to build a life for both of you (in the context of convincing you to drop your goals) is controlling and shows potential for being an abusive partner, if he isn't one already. He wants you to stop what you're doing and move down to Florida because he's having trouble finding an apartment due to bad credit. What? How is that a GOOD incentive? He basically wants you to finance his life. All that "building a future for us" is a lie and a way to loosen your guard. Please leave this guy. He can't get his life together. He wants to ruin your life to improve his. This will not end well for you if you stay with him and comply to his selfish requests. The fact that he accuses you of cheating when you aren't is already a major red flag that your relationship suffers trust issues. Re-read your post. There was not one good thing I read about your boyfriend. What's keeping you from leaving him? Don't hold onto the memories of when you two had it sweet or the times when he wasn't a jerk. Don't fool yourself into thinking this man is a keeper.
...............................
A
male
reader, wise-guy  +, writes (4 May 2014):
Of course you're not being selfish. If anything it's him being selfish.
If he loved you he would want to support you in your education and your achievements - I dunno maybe he's a little jealous and intimated because you're doing good for yourself??
Seems to me you need to think long and hard as to whether you're prepared to put up with this kinda attitude from him when you're trying to improve your future.
...............................
|
