A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have done one of those off and on long term relationships. Due to a family crisis, I was out of town for part of the last two years and his last words to me were harsh and I could not contact him. Last year, he started contacting me. For eight months he has expressed that he still is thinking about me and if we should be together and describing things about our relationship so vividly that I am shocked at his remembrance of good things. Shocked that he recalls great things about me. He constantly tells me that he knows the flaws were his (I know this can be a line but truthfully he did some things that were mean). As it turns out, he figured he messed up so badly that when he met someone he decided to try to create a new relationship and really try to make it work. She does not know he has spoken with me. She does not know that he tells me he dreams about me and wants to be my lover still. It breaks my heart that he could possibly have grown up finally --in his own words--due to losing me. Then again, a man sexting as they say, is not loyal to his current gf. He realizes that this is wrong and then will blame me for the contact! Tries to pin the flirting and contact on me. Since I have pointed this out, he seems to be ceasing. We have gone as long as a month without speaking and then he will begin again. I have stated that he cannot be in love with someone to speak with me in that manner! He claims he is comfortable and has no demands. Meanwhile, they are going out, being intimate, etc. He does not know if I date or not. I realize that he knows I am not in a current committed relationship. Without my prodding, he states openly that he is trying to figure this all out and wants to consider if WE should be a couple instead. No, I will not wait for him and if I fall in love tomorrow I am gone. There are good things about us as a couple and bad. The bad would be my lack of trust for him and learning as a current outsider that he is capable of making another woman feel that she is his dear woman while talking with me is an eye opener. I would worry that he was cheating on me with her. For the record, that may have happened in the past! We were together for eight years. If we are supposed to resume I would want that to happen IF he truly is reforming his relationship habits. Most hurtful is that she portrays herself as a needy woman and I more able. Somehow she is able to make him feel that she must be protected. Since I do know that she knew I existed for years and did not care that I could be hurt I find all of this a bit disheartening. Should I be doing something directly to push the hand of this issue? Yes I know the answer of walking away and I do date and I do not call this man. Is he really pondering all of this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI seriously appreciate the responses and feedback. It is most interesting that he would blame me if he contaacts me, flirts, suggests anything including a future, etc. Ciar you are right that he is not reliable! That is a definite trait of his. Are we the only ones who know that? Uncle Unsparing, man I really appreciate that you tell it like it is. I agree that if I act pathetic than i deserve no better. Aunty Em he is hedging his bets AND not releasing his relationship with her to see how that plays out while lining me and maybe others up. UGH. Thanks for the answers. When total strangers are giving me this info I better start listening. What is quite amazing, she was seeing him behind MY back. Knew I existed. I did not exist in his world when they began THIS time, but he admits his emotions about me still existed. He has never said he loves her. He says he has it easy and carefree. That is not love. We know a man in love would not talk to me and would have confessed his love for her. Meanwhile, her friends and his relations think they have a great relationship. We had mutual friends who will not speak with me to protect their relationship! That made me write my original note. I have a strong belief that new love will not come to me while this window is open so I am going to board it shut. If you have further advice and thoughts I will check back. Thank you for your responses. They are great.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): I have ceased contact. When I have done that in the past I hear from him. It is great to hear responses. Thank you. It Ciara you made a great point that he is not a changed man. I thought about that. And he will always fund another woman to flirt with on the side. Appreciate these responses.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 He is a cheat who is hedging his bets. Seriously it's a no brainer.
I would 'push the hand'. He is an ex for a very good reason, it's his choice to cheat, his responsibility and no amount of 'words' kind or other is going to fix that. He think it can and knows you are wriggling on the hook.
I would just cut him off. He is lying to her, has done the same to you and it will always be that way, because thats what men like him do.
Walk away and go find someone better.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (5 February 2012):
Sorry, but you are displaying classic clingy needy chick ego and vanity. No matter how bottom-feeding a scumbag he is, introduce another even clingier needier chick into the equation and suddenly he's Prince Charming and you can't stand the thought of this shameless hussy "stealing" your man out from under your nose. You're better than her and that's that!
If you haven't learned your lesson by now, you deserve to "win him back."
Lotsa luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 This man has given you ample proof that he is NOT reforming his relationship habits. He is trying to secure an arrangement with one woman while, as you say, he leads another to believe she is dear to him. The type of person he is drawn to is a pretty good indicator of the type of person he is. That other woman knew he was already spoken for but continued to receive his attention regardless of the hurt it would cause. That other woman was her. Now it's you.Apart from being deceptive he has shown he prefers to leave a lot of loose ends rather than resolve anything. Does this sound like a reliable person to you?You may not be chasing him and you may be dating others, but you are still making room for him in your life by receiving his calls and holding out some hope for a future. You already have all the information you need to make a decision once and for all. People can and do change all the time, but he isn't and there is nothing, but grief, to be gained by waiting for him. Severing ties and moving on would be a wise choice.
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