A
female
age
30-35,
*ady in Love
writes:dear cupids,my boyfriend hits his sister, and i fear that a man capable of hitting his sister will hit me too in the future.i explained my fear to him yet he did not promise to stop it, he simply danced around the subject promising that he would never do the same with me.he is a bit violent at bed nut only when he misses me very much, when we fight he is always the controlled one, we scream but he never hit me.once i hit him on the shoulder out of anger but he did nothing, at that time he was busted sending texts to some girl and he just kept silent the whole fight.might i be in an abusive relation ship? might i be the abuser?thank you for your help
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 All women deserve better than this abuse. Including his sister. He's a sad pathetic man.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Start telling yourself you DESERVE better. Hopefully you will accept that as the truth and believe it.
I understand that your culture is different from mine, but no person should settle for a partner that isn't worthy of YOUR love.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (8 January 2014):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear tisha,
my mother knows that he is a cheater, i cryed on her shoulder when i found out, he is a child most probably and i myself don't know why am i with him still.
Dear honeypie,
You are right, he is supposed to do it willingly i should not even ask
Thank you for your time
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (8 January 2014):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear tisha,
my mother knows that he is a cheater, i cryed on her shoulder when i found out, he is a child most probably and i myself don't know why am i with him still.
Dear honeypie,
You are right, he is supposed to do it willingly i should not even ask
Thank you for your time
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
The more I read about this boyfriend, the more I wonder why you are with him. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-my-boyfriend-not-know-if-he.html
I think he knows exactly what he is doing and that is molding you into accepting all his nonsense, his abuse and his cheating.
When you told your family about his cheating, what did they say? You didn't mention that. I wonder why you didn't?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
Hi, I read a bit more about your boyfriend, this is the one who said he couldn't help himself if he was presented with the opportunity to cheat? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-thinks-any-man-will-be-led.html
So he can't control himself? Is he a child?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
You can't FIX him (unless you are talking about neutering, but I somehow doubt that)... He doesn't SEE what he is doing is wrong. He feels ENTITLED to do what he does (beat his sister and cheat).
It's like trying to empty the Ocean using a tea spoon and a thimble. It's just not going to happen.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
P.S. Men (and women) dislike being "fixed" by people. Abusive men (and women) may react very badly when "fixing" is attempted by naive but well-meaning partners, friends and family.
I'm guessing his sister has tried to fix him. That's probably part of the reason he beats her, he hits her. What a violent and vile act. Yuck.
We see many women on here who are in love with abusive men, they do think that love will conquer all and will alter the men's nature into a calm peaceful loving one. It's a dangerous road to go down.
He physically assaults his sister. ABUSE. VIOLENCE.
He inflicts PAIN and HURT.
I forgot that he CHEATS.
I honestly don't think you are 'strong' enough to cope with this one. He's already got you believing that your love could save him. Sorry, this has disaster written all over it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
If he wanted to be 'fixed' he wouldn't hit his sister. Keep your distance from him, when he has proved that he is no longer violent toward anyone for a year, then you can decide if you would want him in your life.
He's a loser, sorry. Best for your mental health and well-being to get away from him. I hope we don't see you back here in a month's time upset and unhappy at how he won't accept your 'fixing' of him.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love +, writes (7 January 2014):
Lady in Love is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear repliers, i can't thank you enough for the help you gave me, you really clarified many pin pionts in my relation ship. yes he did cheat, yes is an abuser, but now i am stronger to deal with him, i love him dearly and i will try to fix him, i will give him time and a fair chance to improve and i will try to keep you updated. thank you so much
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 He is not a POTENTIAL abuser, he IS AN ABUSER, he hits his sister, that is abuse.
What sort of man hits his sister? Actually, what sort of man hits ANYBODY?
He is an abuser, and it would seem from what you have said, a cheater as well.
So tell us again why you stay with him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Oh so as long as he does not hit you, he just hits other women,... then it's fine, no problem ?
He may, or may not ( very probably not ) stick to his promise to never hit you, but he is a violent type who hits his sister. He IS an abuser. And , thereby, a loser. Add to it that he is also a potential cheater , ... you should not be with him. Find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): He hits a woman and he exerts so much control in highly emotional situations that your frustration becomes unbearable and you yourself begin to lash out physically. Both of these things - not just the hitting women but the extreme emotional control over you - are deeply ingrained traits of an abuser. For him to remain totally in control whilst you are deeply upset is NOT a sign of maturity in his case. It's a sign of someone with psychopathic tendencies, the ability to switch on and switch off their anger regardless of what the other person is going through. The first sign that this is starting to affect you badly is that you begin to doubt who you really are and what your values are. When you say "Am I an abuser?" this is the early sign that this man is steadily eroding your sense of self. If you stay it will get worse and worse, you won't know who you are because he is wearing you down psychologically and there's no guarantee he won't also wear you down by physical abuse later on. Abusers like to find weak people - and the fact that you even tolerate a man who hits his sister is a massive indication that you have a weakness in your own personality - this weakness is his 'way in' to your psyche, it means that your own values and boundaries are not firm and secure, that you are already uncertain of what is and is not acceptable. It really is NOT okay for your partner to hit his sister and for some reason you are 'turning a blind eye' to this. Please don't...you honestly will suffer for it in the long run. Get out now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Even if he never touches you, you should still not date him because he is an abuser. This is not the time to be like "It's okay if he does it just as long as he doesn't do it to me". What if he was beating his dog? Raping other women? Stealing money out of his sister's purse?
And while I'm at it, don't put your hands on other people in anger. That makes YOU an abuser. You punched him in the shoulder in anger? What if he had done that to you? There should be NO double standards. You shouldn't put your hands on him, and he shouldn't put his hands on you in anger. It's abuse for both to do it, so don't ever hit in anger again. Never.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 You've described a guy who I wouldn't want MY sister hanging around with.....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 He is not potentially an abuser, he is an abuser. He hits her, he WILL hit you too. You should leave before it escalates.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
He really sounds like a ... not very pleasant guy. Hitting his sister? What for? Is he the "man of the house" and reprimanding her? Is that the norm in his house?
Also he said he wold not do it to you, means he will do as he please to his sister and... at some point he will forget that promise and hit you too and IT WILL BE ALL YOUR fault, (according to him ) YOU "made" him do it. I bet you that will be his excuse.
Violent in bed? Seriously? What is that OK? Unless YOU like that sort.
And texting other girls? He sounds like a real winner (not)
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (7 January 2014):
Doesn't sound like you have a very romantic relationship.If he can hit his siblings then I would not trust him at all.He sounds the abusive type,the fact he uses physical violence shows him up as an abuser.I think it's only a matter of time before he does it with you.End the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
He hits his sister. He will hit you.
I hope for her sake she gets away from him as soon as possible.
You hit him on the shoulder once. He hits his sister often. He is the abuser, you are just starting out.
Don't go down this road.
End the relationship. He is obviously quite comfortable with physical abuse. He's also comfortable with chatting with other girls via text. He's violent in bed.
My dear, he is a LOSER. Break up with him, safely and with witnesses and then keep far away from him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I would say so. He did not promise to stop hitting his sister. That alone would be a deal breaker for me. He also has tendencies for cheating. You need to feel more than just fear he would hit you. You should feel angry that he doesn't see the wrong in hitting his sister. Don't wait till he hits you to confirm that it is an abusive relationship. When you live in this fear you can no longer enjoy the relationship. You had to walk on egg shells in order not to provoke his anger.
It's never right to hit anyone even in arguments. If you continue that behavior then you will be an abuser. When you resorted to being physical it's better to stay out of a relationship that makes you so angry. You said that he was silent the whole fight. So it wasn't really a fight it was only you talking. I suspect he secretly enjoyed how worked up he got you.
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