A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over three years and throughout the relationship I've made it clear that I'm a bit insecure about my body and that if I found out he'd been looking at other women it would crush my confidence. I recently discovered a porn mag in his room ... I questioned him about it and he said it was old, from his uni days and that he hadn't looked at it for years. He swore to me that he had never looked at porn whilst in this relationship and swore that he never would. A few months later I found porn on his laptop, dated recently.... again, he swore it was a slip up "just male tendancies" and that he wouldn't do it again.... but then a few weeks later - guess what- I found more. What's worse is that all the videos are of very large women, or mature large women. I'm in my early twenties - and curvey but by no means as large as those awful women. Now I feel more insecure than ever about my image and about being with him. Is he only with me because I'm curvey? Is he wishing I was as large as those women?! When I confront him, we just argue and it goes nowhere. What do you do if you find your boyfriend has been looking at "specialist" porn?! To me, looking at porn when ur in a relationship is cheating - and I've always made that clear to him.... throw the "specialist" element in and I'm completely bemused. I don't really want to end it as we've come through a lot, but he has crushed my trust in him and my confidence. Should I give him one more chance? I don't know what to do.
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confidence, crush, insecure, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 i agree with talbott, hes with you because he loves you. and porn is just there for us to look at when our significant other is not around. theres a good chance that if your boyfriend had naked pictures of you then he wouldnt need porn. thats what i always tell my feiance. sometimes we just need to see someone naked.... its just that simple.
A
male
reader, JTalbott +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I'll make this simple.
If he is dating you, it is because he likes YOU. Really. Men are just not that complicated.
For guys porn is just a fantasy catalyst. There's no confusion in his mind between a fantasy and reality. He was looking at porn long before he met you and he'll likely continue to do so no matter how much you guilt trip him about it.
As with most agony aunt questions, changing the other person isn't the challenge, changing yourself is.
So focus on moving toward being the woman you want to be. That is the person he is attracted to.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (9 June 2008):
 In his eyes it isnt cheating and I dont personally think of it that way. HOWEVER I too get insecure when my husband looks at porn, which has not been very often. He has learned that if he wants to look we do it together.
Talk to him Im sure that he really doesnt understand what the fuss is all about and doesnt really know why he cant look at it. If it really upsets you that much and he isnt willing to compromise then only you can decide whether or not to continue with this relationship. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): i have also been hurt and crushed by the one person i realy love, my advice to you is you should have a long, serious talk with him. tell him that he is herting you and if somthing doesnt change your not going to be able to cope with the pain anymore. your final descision should be made on his reaction, but bare in mind you have been together for this long he must care for you. hope i have been of some help. good luck. x
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