A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am 28yrs old and I have been going out with a 32 yr old man for about a year now. The problem is I constantly get the feeling he doesn't like having sex. when the relationship first began I felt a problem. where we were seeing each other for a while and whilst it was nice to hold hold and get to know each other before full intercourse, I found my self giving him oral sex, but not having it returned, it felt very one sided. and like he was holding back sex in a way. When we first had sex he seemed very thoughtful and caring. But Smost of the time, I feel he will satifisfy himself during sex or oral sex and not bother if I havent had an orgasm or any kind of attention in that way. Sometimes I try to initiate sex, but I alwasy find that when I do he rejects it someway by a joking comment subtly or focusing attention on something else. But the times we do have sex which isnt that often its if he initiates it which is very rare. one time whilst I was kissing him for ages trying to get him in the mood so to speak and said shall I slide on top of you, he just replied 'suck me first', I felt very rejected and this caused an argument.he has giving me oral sex only a few times, and seems funny about getting messy so to speak, or getting things on sheets etc. I have tried to tell him he must relax but I dont know what is causing it. I have asked him if he has had problems like this before in a relationshop and he said to me that his last girfrend he didnt find attractive physically, but he does find me attractive. BUt now I feel that when we do have sex he is doing it to just please me instaed of relly wanting it and I feel very hurt by this. He has had things in his past that may have affected him 1) his mother had an affair and was going to leave the family and 2) an ex girlfriend just left him without any contact. But I find that this behaviour is selffish, and I am soooo confused. I hhave questioned his sexuality, thought he has physchlogical issues because of his past but its all guess work.
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Not everyone has a high sex drive and this could be the case here or it could be as you say things from his past that are causing problems.
I dated a work colleague and although he was fit, good looking, well endowed, took me out on romantic dates etc etc etc the sex was soooo disappointing and it made me feel unattractive and worthless. He was either uninterested or couldnt sustain an erection for long enough to satisfy me and I was left so horny it was unbelievable!! It wasnt until I called it a day that I found out from an old school friend that he had lived with her cousin for 4 years who left him as he was more like a brother to her than a partner as he had the same problems with him. (He also NEVER once mentioned one single ex yet he was 40 so must have had some)
So it wasnt me it was him and this is probably the case here. I personally dont think you will change him, although our sex drive can alter throughout our lifes I dont think you can hang around hoping he might suddenly take an interest, it might not last anyway x
A
female
reader, bengal101 +, writes (9 June 2008):
I feel for u it cant be easy to have to be like that.sumtimes i think men can be more sensetive than women and they accept us women to protect they feelins. I am just begin to ge to know this man who has seprated from his babies mother and im not sure what to think. He is not rushing me into havin a sexual relationship yet as i have told him that i have been celebate for ages. Im begin to think when I do he may think of me like that as she not goin to miss it she can live without it. I have told him how i like to wait and dress up for him and want to be realy sexy for him. Maybe if you did the same you might feel like its about your thrill aswell as his and that you have sexual appetie that needs pleasin too.
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A
female
reader, lypiphera  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I had an ex with the SAME EXACT problem. I tried to stick with it, thinking "hey he's been through a rough time, maybe it'll go away". Instead it turned into more and more of a possessive and selfish behavior, till one day i woke up and it was full out mentally abusive.
When guys are focusing on nothing but themselves sexually, they are establishing dominance, so to speak, over the relationship. He believes you should pleasure him, but its not necessary to return the favor. He'll only do it when he wants it, i assume, and ignore or reject any other time.
My best advice is, if its a serious relationship, try to broach the subject of therapy. If you dont think he'll go for it outright, tell him YOU'RE going to see someone, and they want to talk to him so the therapist can help you... a little shady, but sometimes guys need the help and are to stubborn to ask.
Honestly i'd keep a close watch- selfish behavior like that only gets worse, not better. If he starts tryin to check up on you (phone, email, etc) or starts tryin to dominate other aspects (or if he already is) RUN!!!!!! People like that try to overenforce their ideas that they can make people love them and stay with them, no matter how bad they get. Especially with past problems like he had (moms affair, ex just left) he is tryin to control his surroundings and make sure you stay no matter what. You may think "he'd never do that"... i loved my ex more than anything, and i'd have laughed if anyone told me this, but it took him trying to hit me before i realized how bad he'd become, and i'd never even realized it. You have to always keep in mind that, no matter how much you love him, you deserve to be loved and appreciated, and if he's not giving you the love and attention and affection you deserve, then he is not the one for you. His only options are to get help, or to lose you, because he'd never put up with being treated like that!
Also, next time he wants sex, deny him and see what he thinks of it- sometimes that helps as an eye opener to guys, when they realize they cant get it when they want it anymore.
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