A
female
age
36-40,
*ollyR07
writes:An old aquaintance and I recently got back in touch, and we have gone out every weekend for the past three weeks. We hit it off, and there was obviously chemistry, and in the heat of the moment, we had sex that first night and have continued to each weekend we're together. The problem is, he just got out of a three year relationship, and was engaged to this woman the last year they were together. He told me before our first date that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. When I ask about it, he assures me that he IS interested and DOES like me. He calls me once every night, but the parenoid part of me thinks he might just be doing this to keep me in good terms. Does it seem he's just in this for sex, or should I end things now before I get hurt more? I really have feelings for this guy, and I'm worried that if I tell him I don't want to have sex until we're more official, he'll feel I'm giving him an ultimatum and end this before it's really begun.
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female
reader, sexi  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Hi
I think that would be good for you to be a friend when he needs one so desperately now. Friendship is where everything starts. Good Luck.
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 Yep the best fish usually are gay or married lol
I guess atleast he has been honest. And you can always be real good mates. Just mates without sex!
Hope it works out.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, MollyR07 +, writes (9 November 2007):
MollyR07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe morning after the first night we had sex, I was definitely angry with myself. I knew I had pretty muched ruined much chance of an actual relationship (and probably lost his respect). I avoid alcohol because, for lack of a better phrase, I'm a cheap drunk. And he and I both happened to be drinking that night..
BUT, on the upside, I talked with him about this whole situation. He seemed to be fine with taking a step back. I told him I felt he wasn't really as interested in me as I was him, and I asked if he thought this could possibly go somewhere. He said that it's too early to tell and that he feels like he doesn't know me well enough yet to say what the future holds..
I respect that, though I feel his supposed uncertainty was a polite rejection. He finally opened up to me, and I can tell he isn't completely over the break up between him and his ex-fiance. He said that he doesn't want to be with her in a romantic way anymore, but I've noticed he has a few days out of the week when he's really depressed; he just seems to think he goes through various "moods."
Perhaps at the end of the day we can be good friends. I really want to be there for him right now because I've been through a similar break up as well, and I know how hard it is to live normally AND start dating again.
So much for this fish. I know there are others in the see, but most of the good ones are either pushovers or gay.. sometimes both : / haha
thanks for y'alls advice!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 November 2007):
Hi
Give most guys the chance and they will take the sex without commitment.
I recently went away just as mates with an ex and we ended up having sex once but i wasnt having that happening on a regular basis. He tries telling me hes not just after sex, and yes i do know he would get back together tomorrow. But thats not the point. I dont want to get back with him and i certainly dont want a friends with benefits thing. He says he is fine either way. whats the point in having sex with someone that you're not going to be going anywere with? Unless you have strong sexual needs, i wouldnt be used, or use someone for sex. If that sends him packing then surely you're better off knowing that and finding someone else?
Good luck.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (6 November 2007):
You have the right to stop the sex and thats what I think you should do. Dont continue doing it with him until you are sure he is serious about the two of you and shows signs of commitment.
Sure he may levae if you give him that ultimatum but if that happens then that just proves he was in it for the sex! You need to do this, and face reality, although it may not be what yo uwant, its better to know so you can move on, rather than stay with what you want to believe is true whne its really not and find out ages down th track.
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A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (6 November 2007):
Hi
I think you should ake a stand for what you want. I understand that you like this guy but if he isnt going to give you what you want ( a relationship) then why should you give him what he wants (sex). I think you should stop having sex with him until things are more seriuos. You dont want to ruin things between yourll by stopping sex but what would happen if after 3 months of yourllf being together ( and having sex) he decided that he wants to be with someone else?!? Then you would be hurt because he would have just been using you and you were hoping for a relationship. If he doesnt want a relationship with you then how can he have sex with you? You need to speak to him and he needs to be straight with you. If all he wants is to be your friend then friendship is all he would get.Hope this has helped you.
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
P.S: If you stop the sex and he leaves then your question would be answered. Would you prefer him to leave now or after 3 or 6 months of him using you?
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A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (6 November 2007):
 Giving him an ultimatum is not the way to go - so don't cool it on the sex side. I suggest though, that you sit him down, and discuss these feelings you are having. Explain to him that you are prepared to take it slow because of his previous relationship, but you need some indication that this is NOT just about the sex. If it is just about the sex, then you can still choose to continue with it - on a friends with benefits basis, but only if you can handle it. If your feelings are too great, then rather back away. If he really likes you, he won't be hung up on his past for much longer.
Good luck - let us know how things work out...
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (6 November 2007):
Can someone give me an American woman? Because they are so into sex.
Firstly,you knew where da man was coming from emotionally.You should have tried to find out where you stand before sleeping with him.The mistake with most ladies is that they think sex will cement a relationshiip.Men rarely refuse sex even from people they don't really love.You trying to find out if he wants a relationship with you after having sex with him is not going to solve the issue.Since you are already used to it,continue but tell him how you feel and what you really want.He's more on the advantage,which you freely gave him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): I don't think you can back out of this now w/o turning him away.
Honestly it's more about the fact that you've already been having sex with him than anything. That's just not a line that you step back over once you've crossed it unless you're signaling that the relationship is cooling off.
If you wanted to wait then you just shouldn't have jumped him so early. He might have stayed interested & waited for a while or he might not have, but either way he'll probably be put off if you tried to put the clothes back on now.
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