A
female
age
30-35,
*Ax
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for a while now, and think that i have caught him for the second time watching porn. The first time, i caught him in the action, however, the second time, i looked at his computer history and found some recent activity on a porn website. My boyfriend perfectly well knows that i do not agree with porn, after i told him the first time i caught him. The problem is, the computer is his younger brother's so i don't know who did it. I looked at the history around the porn sites, and they are all definately my boyfriend's history as his younger brother is not interested in the same thing as his older brother. I did confront him about it, but he says his brother asked for the computer, did his thing, and gave the computer back to him. I think this is an unlikely story, what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): I'm not sure if anyone said this and I don't want to read anything over again. It can become a problem if a person becomes addicted to porn. It is a problem if he watches porn when you want to have sex and starts to lose interest in having sex with you. It is a problem if he reduces or stops his affection for you. It is a problem if he would rather watch porn than be with you, except some private time is necessary. It is a problem if it interferes with his job. It is a problem if he does it for hours at a time, just like it is a problem if a woman watches soaps for hours a day and neglects her children.
It is not a problem if his affection and love making with you is more important than porn. It is not a problem if it does not interfere with work or job. It is not a problem if the guy watches it like a woman might spend an hour in the evening reading a romance novel.
These are just my personal general rules about porn and to know how to realize when it is a problem.
A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (28 July 2009):
xAx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you again for all your responses. They all really helped. I liked it how all of you were direct and honest. I really do wish i didn't find it a problem, and feel that from all your responses, it shall not be a problem for much longer. Thanks again X
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): k_c100 put it quiet eloquently. I'll be very direct. You have 4 choices.
1. Accept that he is going to watch porn and go on with your relationship.
2. Leave him.
3. Tell him to either quit it now or leave you. Of course, he will be unhappy if he complies and may even resent you for it. That should make for a lovely relationship.
4. Compromise. Wow, how innovative. Let him watch it when there is no chance that you will see him doing it and stop checking to see if he is doing it. Or perhaps come to an agreement on how often he watches it. Make the realistic, not one minute each year.
Sorry, but I can't think of any other choices. Pick the one you like best and go to it.
Oh, to the question of whether he lied. Most likely he did.
Do all guys watch porn. Nope, but I do and my wife is fine with it. She even likes to watch it with me. It both turns us on (not that we really need porn to do that) and we sometimes find the unrealistic nature of it funny at times. It is entertainment, like soaps, pro "wrestling", romantic movies, sexually lucid romantic novels (female porn) and the such.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): You have gotten some fantatsic answers here.
Theres the thoughts a man has when watching porn and theres the thoughts a man has when making love, having sex with a woman. In my personal experience they are ompletely different.
This guy watched porn before you were around, and may wath porn after you have left in a huff, but trust me the vast majorityof guys watch some porn so good luck with ur search.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 July 2009):
 There is no way of telling if he lied - as you said it was his brother's computer so you will never really know if it was him or his brother! But I'm 99% certain that he will be watching porn behind your back - and the reason he HAS to lie about it is because of your view on porn. If you were ok with him watching porn, he would not fell like he has to lie to you.
Whether or not he lied should be irrelevant to you - you went snooping around behind his back so arguably that is just as bad as the so-called lie itself.
The real issue here is your view on porn and how you are going to get around this issue with your boyfriend. Stop worrying about the lies because you have done things behind his back too, and focus on moving past this issue. The question is - can you accept he watches porn?
I understand the mentality of "well if he has me then why does he need porn?" but I will go back to what I said before. Porn is a fantasy - sex with you is reality. Everyone needs a little fantasy in their lives, it is harmless and a way of escaping mundane real life. You are not with him 24/7, therefore what if he is feeling horny and wants to release some sexual tension? Does he have to wait a couple of days until he sees you to get that release he needs? That is just a silly and immature attitude - if he is feeling horny and you are not there then the porn wins. He wouldnt choose porn over you, but at times it is the best thats on offer and he enjoys it.
He shouldnt have to be the one to "get over it" - why should he be forced into giving up a way of releasing some tension because you dont like it?! Like we have all said - nearly every man on this earth watches or looks at porn from time to time. Thats just the way it is! If you get more and more angry at him about watching porn he will just become more and more secretive about it and find new ways of hiding it from you. So you can just let it go, and you will be rewarded with a happy boyfriend who doesnt lie to you; or you can have a secretive boyfriend who is forced to look at porn behind your back and lie to you because of your own personal opinion. He wont stop, believe me. So he will just keep on lying, you will keep on snooping and lose all your trust for him.
I hope you can focus on the real issue here and not get caught up in the issue of him lying, otherwise you and your boyfriend will just keep going round in circles when you found he has lied to you for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time.....it will keep going on and on until you address the real issue which is just your difference in opinions about porn.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 July 2009):
 Hi xAx, I know you're very unhappy with him right now, but just take a little while to think this through and decide if your concern is based on a personal moral/ethics base or if you're unhappy about the porn because it makes you feel insecure. If it's the former, then you will not be happy with any man who views porn, you might as well get that across to him now. If it's that it makes you insecure about yourself, give him a chance to explain how it does not affect the way he feels about you.
I personally do not want to police my guy's personal, private thoughts and he has a right to some privacy and his own little fantasies. I don't own his entire being, if you get my point. I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of him doing it, I mean, it's not that I would want him to look at beautiful nekkid young things, but if he does, well, honestly, it has nothing to do with me. I'm not going to run to my mom and tell her "he looks at porn!" but neither am I going to run to her and tell her the things we do in bed. There's a level of privacy that he's entitled to, I think.
Here's more of my thoughts from an older thread, I hope this helps a bit in your pondering the issue. Try to do this from a stance of understanding, rather than one of anger, okay?
Good luck.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/today-i-came-across-lots-porn-in-his.html
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 July 2009):
 You can't MAKE him stop, you can ASK him to stop. You also can walk away if he doesn't. If this is a deal breaker for you then you will just have to look for the rare fellow who doesn't enjoy porn now and again. Good luck.
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female
reader, xAx +, writes (28 July 2009):
xAx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, are you all saying that he did lie?
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 July 2009):
 LOL @ KC100
You beat me to it, and of course put it in such a great way as opposed to my tactless "Don Rickles" delivery.
Don Rickles in a porn? Mr Warmth? That is a great thought but EWWWWWW...I would'nt even distribute that...well maybe on the bargain rack next to "Sweatin To The Oldies".
In all seriousness, xAx, if it is really bothering you, I really suggest sitting down with him and calmly stating to your man exactly why it bothers you. The conversation may in fact open an avenue of communication where you can grow together.
And I would suggest you say exactly what you did in your reply to us...about why would he want to get help from porn when he has you. It is really a valid question that you posed, and I am not being mean when I say that. If it is your choice, then by all means communicate it with him in an adult manner.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Simply because he was probably saying what you wanted to hear, and he hasn't stopped because he enjoys it - probably on the same sort of level that you perhaps enjoy watching your favourite soap on TV. Would you stop watching that if it annoyed him or would you tell him to go and do something else for half an hour while it's on?
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female
reader, xAx +, writes (28 July 2009):
xAx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses.I hear exactly what you are saying. You are all basically saying that i should just get over it. Maybe he should get over it the fact that he likes doing it. Maybe he should instead of using porn to help him, ask me to help him. He even agreed that not using porn helps him feel closer to me when we do do stuff. So why still do it!!?!
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 July 2009):
He may be, but what is the big deal if he is? As long as he is 18 he can come join any of the porn sites I own and operate! (shocking isnt it that someone who gives relationship advice also owns a PORN SITE!)
Boy O Boy I have some damn nerve huh? lmao!
If you are 18 you can too! You'd be surprised just how many young women join mine, and many other sites.
Young lady, not to be flippant, but the real deal here is that porn in and of itself is not awful, it is how the consumer uses porn that is either malevolent or benevolent. I tend to think that he has to lie about it because you find it so horrid. That is entirely your affair, but don't condemn your BF because he watches it.
So he has a choice,apparently. Either he stop watching it to satisfy you, or he doesen't. If it is so upsetting to you, then tell him its the porn or you. I see it that apparently that is what you want, so rather than hem and haw about it, just do it.
You will get your answer either way.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 July 2009):
I feel like saying here we go again....but I know that is not helpful so I will try my best to say something constructive.
If you have a read around all the porn questions on this site they are all very similar to yours - you will see lots of girls and women getting very upset by the fact that their partner's watch porn and then hide it from them.
The reality is this - men like porn, it is a way for them to release their sexual tension. It is a fantasy for them, an easy way to see something that excites them. The majority of women hate porn - all for a variety of bizarre reasons, and I'm sure you have your reasons why you dont agree with it.
But unless you want to spend your life alone you need to realise that men watch porn, and if you tell them to stop they will just do it behind your back. Why should your boyfriend stop watching porn because you "dont agree with it"? If your boyfriend didnt agree with you eating meat for example, would you stop? I very much doubt it. You are more than entitled to your own views and opinions, however you are not entitled to force these views upon anyone else. Your boyfriend can do what he wants, he is his own person and if from time to time he watches a bit of porn on his computer then what is the harm? He is not hurting anyone!
I'm sorry to sound harsh, and most women on this site will probably be on your side because they all seem to have this major issue with porn so I'm sure you will get some support, but not from me. I think you are in the wrong for trying to control your boyfriend, and for dictating what he can and cannot do. You cannot change a person - you should love him for who he is, warts and all. And for you to be spying on your boyfriend, snooping around on his computer - where is the trust?
You have two choices here:
1. Accept that your boyfriend likes to watch porn from time to time. Men have a higher sex drive than women and need the sexual release, and porn provides this. Stop the snooping around and trust him, after all what is a relationship without trust?
2. Leave him and spend your life hopelessly trying to find that elusive man who doesnt watch porn!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Whether it's an unlikely story or not is of no consequence. Trust is the main issue - you either trust him or you don't, and a good solid relationship is built on trust.
The one thing that you're going to have to get used to is the fact that most if not all men look at porn to a greater or lesser degree at some time in their lives. You could tell him you don't like him watching it until you're blue in the face, but you won't stop him looking at it. If he has feelings for you he'll do it when you're not around.
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