A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi i've been seeing my man for 9 months now but he wont tell his family about me or meet up with any of mine, including my older children who dont live with me. He's met my youngest whose still at home and they get on well together but wants to meet everyone else in a natural way such as bumping into people, which we've done on a couple of occasions, rather than having a meal with them from time to time when somethings organised.I dont go to his house at all cos he's ended up back home at his parents house for the past year in order to save but hasnt told any of his family about me.He's never been married or had children but has lived with a couple of women over the years which has ended for one reason or another.i've accepted all this for the past nine months of our relationship, but now i've finally got round to adding him on facebook as a friend, he didnt make the effort to connect there himself, and i can't see his wall. It's making me feel like i'm either being hidden from people or he's hiding something from me.We see each other around 3 or 4 times most weeks and he sleeps with me when we're both not working, our work patterns go out of sync sometimes and he works 12 hr shifts.I only know and have met his friends who live around 100 miles away, nobody from our local area though. I'm sure he isnt married but can't get my head around his secretiveness with his family and now his fb wall being blocked from my view. Also we used to talk on msn but not anymore and when i go on there occasionally his photo and mine fade and seem to have a grey film over it, does this mean he's blocked me on msn or what???I'm beginning to wonder if he's talking to other women online also because I was ill afew weeks ago and hardly saw him for a fortnight and when we finally got together he wasn't overly affectionate after not being able to get close for a few weeks.He took me to an italian restaurant and a woman behind me i noticed was looking at him and he glanced back to her several times during our time there. i even caught his glance at her on camera as i took a pic of him doing something.He says he loves me, even though i wonder because he never looks me in the eye when he says it, and keeps me at arms length it seems. What happening here?? i'm pretty confused cos we get on pretty well usually and spend alot of time togetherThanks for taking the time to read this ..
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Uhm. If it were me, I'd buy his explanation up to a point- Let's say halfway- or one third.
Because, yes, it makes sense that he does not want to involve his parents yet. Having behind himself already two failed living together experiments, he probably does not want to introduce you to his parents just to see them roll their eyes with that " here we go again " look on their faces. He needs to be sure it's for the long haul before you meet his parents.
BUT, what about his friends ? Human nature being always the same, modern or ancient, trust me, when somebody is really into you, if they consider you a prize, they can't wait to show you off , and to let everybody and his sister know what a catch they've got themselves.
Maybe is more ego than love, but that's the way it goes.
Plus, no, 9 months is not such a young relationship. It's close to the one year mark, and while, after one year it may be too early to start swapping rings and setting the date ,or even just counting on a future together - after a year, and often sooner, most people has got a very precise sense of what are the chances it's gonna work out, and of how serious they want the relationship to be.
In other words, while it's wise not to rush and take your time to check that your mate is really " the one " , after 9 months of dating most people would know if you have good chances of being "the one ", and if you do, they will involve you in their social life, at least provisionally,i.e. until something comes up to show them you are NOT .
My idea is that this guy keeps you under wraps because he likes you- to some extent. But he's keeping his options open, and in case something better turns up, the less official you are the easier jumping ship would be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): i'm the person who originally asked the question..
i have talked to him occasionally throughout the nine months and have just spoke to him again.
He is a very modern man in a way and he says that he thinks differently to me, he's a very private man and likes to be able to go about his life, seeing me etc, without his family knowing all what he's up to. I do see photos of his sister, mum, dad and new nephew etc and he talks about them all the time but he doesnt like them knowing who he's seeing and what he's doing etc. In a way i kind of understand all that as he lives at home and i would hate my parents asking me where i'm going, who i'm seeing and what have i done etc.. i can sympathise with that cos i really dont like that either!
But it's kind of niggling me abit now that i cant pop over to his house cos his mum would be there.
i've investigated as much as i can, although i cant find much out about him. I don't believe he's married cos we've had this discussion months back and i do think he lives with him parents definitely.
He reckons i'm being too impatient for them to know about me, and i could wreck something good by adding pressure to the situation, or him.
He also thinks that 9 months isnt a long time to be seeing someone, so in his point of view we're still in quite a young relationship. He thinks that he could introduce me and then soon after we could just fizzle out so I guess he wants to make sure we're in for the long haul before he introduces me.
thanks for answering
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 I am at the point in my life where i would not accept being a dirty little secret... if he won't introduce you to local friends or family... yeah there is an issue.
so hard to leave someone when we are having fun with them but if they are mistreating you (and keeping you his dirty little secret is mistreatment) then you need to really re-evaluate what this relationship offers you.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Everything about this situation screams LIAR to me. Something is clearly going on here. If you've been together THAT long and you still haven't met anyone in his life, I would be concerned. It's one thing if everyone in his life lives quite far away, but if they're all in your general area there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have met them yet.I think you should prepare yourself that he's hiding something. And when you can gather your wits about you and you feel you're ready, just ask him flat out everything that you just asked all of us. Demand to know why this is happening. If you don't like his response, get rid of him and stop wasting your time, because that's really what this is if he's not as fully committed as you are: wasted time.masq
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Lots of red flags here - I would suggest that you investigate whether is isnt in fact married....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Is this guy married? Im only asking you this as I am in the same situation. Ive being seeing this guy for 6 month and his family dont know I exsist and I have a feeling hes chatting up girls on facebook. I know he isnt married for defo or has any children.
It makes you feel suspicious and anxious. Have you spoke to him about this?
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