A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all I know im an idiot for getting myself in this situation and I do regret it more than you could know which is why I could do with some advice. I had feelings for a guy that I've known for a year and stupidly let him kiss me a few months ago even though I know he lives with another girl. He tells me he isnt intimate with her and that he's only stayed because of their daughter and ive believed him (although I know I probably shouldn't). fast forward a couple of months and ive fallen head over heels in love with him, I've never felt this way about anyone, not even my ex whom I was with for 5 years. He's told me a number of times that he loves me and wants to be with be but every time he's 'planned' to leave her something comes up and he says he will do it another time. I know that this is rubbish and if he did truly intend to leave he would have done it by now but im finding it too hard to cut contact with him.I told him the other week that I cant do this anymore as I feel like a dirty secret and its destroying me knowing he goes home to her every night. I said that we should stop seeing each other until he's left her and if he does, then we can see about getting back with each other again. Only problem is im so weak i keep giving in when he tells me he misses and loves me and comes to see me because 'hes leaving her next week' ... And then once again something happens like he has to spend money on his car so he cant afford it that week. See the pattern here?How can i be strong and stop seeing him? Its upsetting me every time he leaves mine but it'll upset me even more not having any contact with him whatsoever
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): It makes me laugh when married guys tell their bit on the side that they are not having sex with their wife. Do the knock offs really believe it, or just believe it because they want to? Maybe you could tell me, seeing as you are a bit on the side yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Why would you even want to be "something" on the side like that? Do you have so little love for yourself? Don't you think you deserve a guy who is ALL yours?
He may NOT be intimate with her, but honestly in this day and age NO ONE HAS to stay with the mom/dad of their children if the relationship doesn't work. It's not like he won't see his child if he moves out, yes he most likely won't see her every day, but they would have to make a custody agreement and work it out.
He keeps saying I will leave her, and YOU keep believing it. He doesn't mean it. And you know it. He is just saying what he KNOWS you want to hear. And you "pretend" to believe it, because somehow it works for you?
He is basically stringing the BOTH of you along. I'm WILLING to bet, that SHE had no clue, that SHE thinks they are doing OK in THEIR relationship.
How do you stop this? YOU tell him:" I'm done." and DO NOT let him talk his way back to you. Block his number, delete it, whatever you HAVE to do to keep him out of your life, your bed and your panties.
And you take a GOOD long hard look at yourself. HOW would YOU feel if you ended up with this guy? How long to do think it would last til he wanted a little something on the side again? Do you really think YOU could make him faithful? Trustful, trustworthy ALL of a sudden? Sorry honey, STOP fooling yourself.
End it, YOU can do this. DO it for YOU and your self respect.
And FYI, you DO deserve better then this dickwad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): All you are to him, is a narcissitic supply. Of course he says that because he 'needs' the supply of attention you give him. Its not about love with him.
Love does not hurt, decieve, betray.
http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/narcissistic-supply-2#axzz2EbGkEaWV
When you are ready to love yourself and own you DESERVE Better- you'll kick his sorry sack ass to the curb.
I hope you have a New Years void of being used by others because you realize you are way too damned FINE a Woman.
xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): I think he is just using you. He has his normal life with his girlfriend and just passes time with you (sorry but this is the truth). If he wanted to leave her, he would. There are not causes to be with her if he really love you and want to be with you. Cut all contact with him - better for you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I have had to do this and it is HARD with a capital H, so I sympathise.
You already know that being weak and going back has not changed things and most likely never will, he is unlikely to ever leave because he has things pretty good and two womwn to have sex with to boot (despite what he says)
You need to make a plan for where you would like to take your new life without him...maybe meet someone else?, tavel a bit or just try a new activity?...maybe you just need to go cold turkey, gather your friends around you to support you so you don't have more moments of weakness?
Ultimately you will only find the strength when you are absoluyely sick to death of how he is treating you, but life is way too short to waste time on someone who only sees you as an option.
Take it from me, it feels so liberating and so empowering when you do finally shut the door for good. Mine took three years of my life and the sadness almost killed me. I NEVER thought I would get over him...but I did...and so can you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Here's what you do:
1. Put on your "big girl" panties,
2. Puff out your chest,
3. Say to yourself: "There is NO WAY that ANY MAN is worth this anguish.... especially one who is a lying cheat."
You may have to repeat this regime more than once.... but DO IT until it sticks, and this creep is visible ONLY in your rear-view mirror!!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2012):
 this one is tough. you know what you need to do... you just don't know how to do it.
ugh honey this hurts...
1. you tell him not to contact you any more.
then you have to do the hard part...
block his phone numbers
block his email
remove any other way of contacting you.
and then just RIDE IT OUT... it's tough so let's plan how to deal with it.
if you have no friend to obsess about him with, then you must do it alone.
write long long long letters that you will never send.
give yourself six weeks of permission to feel totally lousy and sad and mourn the loss. the loss of company such that it was, the loss of the dream that he was telling the truth, the loss of believing you were enough to get him to leave his partner and because you were not you feel bad about yourself... whatever losses you are feeling, fully feel them and obsess about them for six weeks.
then you must start getting on with life...
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 December 2012):
He’s either stringing you along and trying to have both women, or he’s a coward who needs to realise that there’s never going to be a good time to leave his girlfriend and he should take responsibility for this mess and decide what and who he wants. Yes you made a mistake getting involved with this man but it sounds like it’s a bit late for hindsight now. You give in to him because you’re scared to cut him out of your life. You know he’s a chancer and that if he thought enough of you he’d stop making lame excuses, tell his girlfriend the truth and put up with the fact that this isn’t going to be a comfortable conversation for him because he’d do anything to fight for your relationship. Yet still there’s that little doubt, that part of you that hopes against all hope that he’s going to be yours eventually and that’s what makes you keep giving him a chance. So give him the ultimatum: give him a time after which you expect him to have left her. Tell him that you will not contact him and will wait to hear from him. If you don’t, you will assume that that’s his decision made and that he’s not chosen you. If he’s not given the luxury of dithering he’ll decide either way. If he won’t leave his current relationship or tries to make you seem unreasonable for making such a request, you’ll see definitively that he’s no good and although it will be painful for you, you’ll at least know for sure that it’s never going to happen and to break the contact.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 We can't give you the determination to do what needs to be done. That comes from within. What we can suggest is a way to make it easier for you. How do you do that?
Simple. You send him a brief email or text telling him it's over. Then block and delete him. That way he can't contact you. And if he can't contact you he can't try to persuade you to stay.
This you could have come up with on your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Either you cut ties or you don't. You're not ready to leave yet. I don't mean to rude about this but you are a big girl so hopefully you can understand what I'm saying. Its been my experience that when you're done you're done. No matter how much you love him, how much it hurts, you realize that you deserve better treatment. When you realise your self worth, you will leave him. That's all up to you! No matter what advice we give, you already know what to do. Its all your decision! Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Hi
Well so long as your prepared to be his 'dirty little secret' he doesn't need to leave her.
Why would you want to be with a man who lies to his partner,lies to you, has sex with you both and goes home to their house. Theres a child in the middle of this mess too.
Doesn't sound like it would be too difficult to remove him from your life.He is the only one who is having life as he wants it. Don't inflate his ego any more.Walk away, cut all contact,your free to do as you wish,he is not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): He is stringing you along and he will keep doing this because you are allowing it. He has no intention in leaving his wife...by the way, he is still having sex with her...and you are just his bit on the side. So you dont email him, you dont text him and you dont call him.You have got to go cold turkey. I know it will be very hard but you will thank me in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): "How can i be strong and stop seeing him?"You ask yourself how much longer you're prepared to waste your time and emotions on somebody who doesn't really want you. He's not going to leave her and even IF he does it won't be for you. You've got to stop being such a doormat, cut him out of your life and move on to somebody else who will treat you with respect and genuinely want to be with you. I know it's easier said than done but if you carry on the way you are you'll have a very miserable existence.
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