A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend is a closet gay, or else he has big intimacy issues. I'm hoping someone here can tell me which is more likely. I think he may be gay for the usual reasons, i.e. that he is obsessed with decorating, loves shopping, and he listens to what I would call 'chick music'. He also spends about 45 minutes getting dressed and groomed before we go out (That's the same amount of time I spend getting ready, which is why I think it's odd - but maybe he's just metrosexual...?)With his friends he is tough acting and 'ghetto' but when it is just the two of us, he is very androgynous or even camp. I can tell that he is aroused by me physically, but he rarely initiates kissing or foreplay. Recently I sad that I wanted him to initiate more often and since then he has become more forward but it still seems forced.He is a wonderful listener, fair minded, very intelligent and mature (got top grades, goes to a good university, the lot), and is well-mannered. When we are together he seems almost in awe of me, and his friends tease him that he always seems nervous around me. I too get the sense that he is trying very hard to project a perfect image, which may also be one of his issues. Or, it might be a sign that he's hiding his identity from himself, as well as from me. I've tried probing him to open up, but he insists he's fine, and happy, and attracted to me, etc. I'm a bit older than him, and I wonder if maybe he is intimidated. Background of our relationship: When I first met him he seemed interested in me and was very flirtatious and gentlemanly. I gave him my number and he called a few times just to talk to me, and he didn't seem in a hurry to date. We finally went on a date and he seemed cautiously interested in me, but I got the feeling he was holding back for some reason. Then I didn't hear from him for about a month during which time he was out of town (his friends have confirmed this.) I found it odd that he didn't keep in touch so I didn't ring him, either. Out of the blue he phoned again and we went on a date. I kissed him first, not the other way around, and he invited me to spend the night at his place. He seemed eager to sleep with me that night, but I stuck to foreplay since I'm not into one night stands. Now we are seeing each other, but we only meet about once a week and we have had sex just once in 6 weeks. He lost his erection during it, so we stopped. I'm only the second woman he's every slept with according to his friends. They tell me that his first girlfriend broke up with him even though he was 'in love' and his second girlfriend drifted away, due to lack of intimacy. He avoids spending the night at my place, although I am usually welcome to stay at his. Often he is too drunk to have sex when I do this, however. He also in a men's only residence so I'm not comfortable being there every other night. So, what's your verdict... does he have intimacy issues, or is he closet-gay? Or is there another explanation I haven't thought of, yet? ***PLEASE help me, I'm going mental over this!!***
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broke up, drunk, erection, flirt, foreplay, kissing, one night stand, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Original poster here again... to answer Jmtmj's question, we have been dating for about six weeks (but we've known each other for longer)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Hi, I am the original poster.
The man in question goes to Uni most weekdays and has some social obligations related to it, which existed before I met him. So on the face of it, seeing him once a week seems acceptable... but I'm more used to guys being enthusiastic about seeing me in the early stages of the relationship and at the moment I feel like I'm on the backburner somewhat. But I guess it's possible that he's just a slow mover, and tied up with other things.
Thanks for these two replies. Now I feel somewhat reassured, since two male readers are telling me my man probably isn't gay. I'll give him more time and see what happens next (but I'd still love to hear other readers thoughts of course too, if they have any!)
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (20 October 2010):
Hi,
From what you say and we only have one side of the relationship here, it sounds as though he likes you BUT is INTIMIDATED by you.
I have a mate who takes ages getting ready... so I dont think yr man is gay.
You dont say why he only see you 1x a week..is it due to his wk?
Guess he want you at his place as he's in his "comfort zone" when hes there, & not when he's at yrs.
Re the erection issue...maybe he was nervous as it was his 1st time with you. The getting drunk to avoid sex seems to confirm this.
Sounds like hes been hurt before hence his cautious approach.I think that he's into the relationship for the long term...and not a WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM
Try and be gentle with him.....I'm sure things will settle down if you give him a chance.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 I highly doubt that he's a closet gay from what you've written. Effeminate or metro-sexual sure, but not gay. There could be a million different reasons to explain his behavior... How long have you been together?
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