A
male
age
41-50,
*oe31
writes:Hey:My ex-girlfriend of two years broke up with me roughly two months ago because I was studying for my medical boards, working full time, and not giving her enough attention in the 5 months preceding. In addition, she got a new sales job (her first after graduating with her masters in an unrelated field) and took it because "she had to." This sales job has been very stressful for her as she is on the road now for up to 30 weeks out of the year, away from friends, family, and her dog (she is 24 and I am 27).After she broke up with me, I was devastated and did all the crazy things guys do like plead with her about a second chance, giving her the time she needs, I love her, etc. We were talking for a couple weeks and then I just went no contact for three weeks with her because the whole situation was killing me. Over that period she must have called 10 ten times. I finally responded to her and we met roughly two weeks ago at her home and then went to a late dinner to talk. The talk was tough, she was crying and I was upset, we laughed, and we celebrated that I passed my medical boards the week before and got a new job. I told her my feelings and that I wanted to try and she basically said she couldn't because of her new job and because she couldn't give me 100% but that she wants to be together in the future. She also told me she is not and wont date anyone for the time being and that I could. We hugged for a while,kissed, and then I left telling her that I couldn't be friends and please don't contact me.The next morning she sent me a text saying it would be too tough not to call me because she still loves me. It really screwed with me and I told her she could call me if she needed to. Ever since then she has called just about every day and sent a ton of text messages.That said, last night it all hit me and I told her that I couldn't keep talking to her like we have because its giving me hope. I need to know what is going on. She called last night and we spoke for like an hour and I laid my feelings out there and even told her that with my new salary she could quit her sales job and live with me until she finds what she wants - I will pay her way. I also said a couple things that were not so nice like that he job sucked and she quit on me and her family and friends with this new job.At one point she said she couldn't promise anything more than continuing to talk to each other every day and if something were to come up she would tell me. This would include being exclusive but not dating or anything. She said her feelings come and go and she cant give me 100% because of her new job and she is worried about my new job.I told her I wanted a little more because I was talking to someone else (which is true), and not that I needed to jump into a relationship, but I didn't want to be used emotionally when convenient to her. I wanted to see her at least one a month. She totally flipped out about my talking to someone else, asked how I could do such a thing, and hung up on me.I called back and explained that nothing happened between us (true) that we were only talking, etc. She said she may talk to me again and went to bed.That said, I am totally confused (again). I dont know if I should simply let this girl go for good (no contact) or what. The way we spoke the last couple of weeks was like we were together again and I loved it. However, last night when I pushed she pushed back and it really set me back. Moreover, I know she cares because she blew up on me talking to another girl even though she broke up with me.I am sorry for the long question. Please let me know your thoughts and how I should proceed. Specifically, whether I should stop talking to her or if I should continue to try as I know she still loves me...(she tells me)Thank you.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (18 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update:
Still no contact since November 1, except of course for the above mentioned emergency call and my follow up text that was never responded to.
I thought I was making progress but yesterday was a really tough day. I couldn't stop thinking about her, how I screwed things up by trying, how I wish I could get her back, etc. I also realized that it was the two month mark of us officially breaking up....
It is getting really hard for me to keep up the no contact as all I think about is her wanting me out of her life and being with another guy. I know I have to let it go but everytime I think I am finally accepting that she wants me out of her life for good - the "hope" comes back and I think about how NC is going to get her to miss me and call.
I just wonder if she is thinking about me as much as she is thinking about me.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 November 2010):
 No not really, just an update of the situation would have been polite of her. If it really did happen she called you as I said for a "shoulder to cry on"..it's possible that she felt she was breaking her own rules of NC, when really she said she should be moving on..so I going to take a stab at that's why you got no response. Again from all your updates, that's not uncommon for her not to reply back. Now, if this was all a lie then I would be questioning her mental state.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (13 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update. I couldn't stop thinking about my Ex's co-worker coming into her room unannounced Wednesday night and her calling about it....I mean I feel really bad about it and I am under the impression that she is afraid to get help.
I broke NC and sent the following text Friday night:
"Did that really happen Wednesday night with the coworker? Were you able to get support from a friend or family? Im really upset about such a thing happening to you."
I never got a response or anything. In fact, it really set me back after going nearly 10 days without speaking to her and getting my emotions right.
Was it too much? Do I look that pathetic? I mean, she called me about an emergency and never followed up. I sent the text to see if she was ok (in my opinion) not about the relationship stuff.
This really makes me question the character of this girl....
...............................
A
male
reader, Socalnocal +, writes (12 November 2010):
This just happened to me 2 nights ago. She broke up w me. This morning I deleted her from fb and sent am email saying I'm sorry if she feels it's rude. But I have to do this to get my bearings about me. I can't know what's going on in her life it would be too much for me and I wouldn't be able to heal. I like you love this girl with all of my soul. I also text her today saying my final goodbyes. She knows the love I gave her. She text me the nicest hong Any one could ever say about me as a person. I told her I loved her and respected and agreed with the decision. But for now please give me the space I need and ask for so I can heal. She text back I understand. I stopped at that point. So, so tough. Just a few moments ago she text me... I wish I could talk I had a really rough day.
I'm looking at it this way, if she loves me she will understand how much I love her. She was used to me being her number one fan and biggest supporter in everything she did. She cannot have that unless we are in love. That is my gift to my lover and no one else. My support. I can't do that to myself knowing that she has the upper hand and will be able to talk to me whenever she feels like it. I'm gonna make her miss me and really understand what she lost. Just then maybe she will see what she had. A soulmate she could depend on. I want to he there for her. But I can't let her own me or my feelings. I only hope she sees that I'm willing to continue this.... On our compromised terms. Not hers.
Good luck bro. Stay strong. I wish I could help. I hope that I know when the timing is right to see her back in my life. But for now I'm going to take stock in the fact that I'm a strong man with a string mind and deserves only the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tennis.
I should note that when i did pick up she said that she didn't mean for me to pick up - which I thought was very odd looking back.
She did follow up today with the following text message, "Hi. Im good. Thanks." I did not respond.
The whole thing is very weird for me to grasp....honestly, I think she may have embellished whatever happened into an emergency simply to talk to me and now wants to play the game of leaving me to think about it.
Obviously I am only going on my intuition here but who knows for sure.....
No contact will continue.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
I'd take that as an emergency, you were the first person she turned to..or the only one who could have answered their phone for that matter. If she reports him for sexual harassment, that has to be investigated and treated very seriously..I doubt they fire her unless they want a nasty lawsuit on their hands.
Truthfully, I wouldn't take this as a time to tell her you miss her, etc. I suspect she'll only shoot down your feelings telling you as before she just can't anymore. Resort back to NC, you're doing very well at it..that's usually the hardest part for everyone. Again, if you have a premonition that it's an emergency when she rings then answer it. But for now let her do the talking..if she wants you, she will ask for you back. Don't give yourself false hope.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone:
Here is an update. Again, last time we spoke she told me she didn't want to talk anymore and it was for the best. Therefore, since that conversation I have gone complete NC (no email, text, calls, etc) and its been roughly 9 days. I have been feeling better and can tell my emotions about the entire relationship have calmed.
That said, last night at 2:45am I woke up to a phone call from the EX. I hesitated for a minute to pick up but then realized that she never would call me that late on a wednesday work night unless something was wrong - so I picked up.
She was like "hey" and said she "was surprised I picked up." She didn't sound herself for sure. I told her that I was asleep and saw the phone ringing and thought something was wrong given how late it was. She said, "you were right. My new job (traveling insurance sales) isn't so great and I had a problem with some of the people I work with."
I asked what was wrong and she got into how she was harassed repeatedly by a co-worker while on this business trip since Monday and that late last night the one older (and married) guy entered her room with a hotel key to her room she didn't know he had....she said he was a bit loaded and started making sexual comments and she had a really tough time getting him out of her room.
Obviously I was alarmed and went through everything she needed to do (call security, get a new room key, how to handle the issue with her boss, etc). We didn't talk relationship at all or did I say I miss you, etc - neither did she....
Needless to say, I was taken back by the whole thing and she said she would call me this morning to discuss the matter and additional things she needs to prepare for (this is a really shit sales job and I suspect SHE will get fired over this due to how sleezy everyone is and because she is so young). Remember, this is a job she dumped me over because she "needed to focus on her career."
That said, I am wondering how I should handle this. Part of me wants her to say I miss you, etc. However, I just think she needed someone to talk to and I was convenient. The no contact has been good for me to reflect and I think this was a situation worthy of breaking NC over.
However, this may open the door to her calling again - not including if she call back about it. Any suggestions on how I should proceed?? Should I go back to NO Contact or use this as a way to get back to talking to her?? Or should I just let it go and let her deal with it given she dumped me....
Thanks much everyone.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTennis: Good advice. Just really hurts to have to say goodbye for good after things looked so good last week with our talking.
I know she is really busy and overwhelmed but for her to say she is too busy for a relationship with me or anyone and then say that "maybe she has to date someone else to see if she feels anything" is too conflicting.
I just have to let it go I guess.
Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
:(
Awww, the last part was so sad, I had a mental image of you two parting. Well at least this time she was actually specific, she's got a lot on her plate right now, with her job (which seems very demanding), and her feelings for you are all over the place, but she is sure now is she doesn't want a relationship. It's not necessarily closure but it's finally an answer. I'm afraid it's not going to take a week to turn around, it's going to take quite awhile for her. Just let it go, cut off contact and see if she contacts you..but if not take it as it's over. The girl just has a lot to handle and a relationship with you unfortunately doesn't make her priority list.
It's kinda sad she chose her career over love. Unless, she wasn't sure of the love anymore. I'm sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (2 November 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have an update....since this last posting we have been talking everyday via phone or text. However, last Friday, she went on a trip to visit friends and I sent her a text friday evening to see if she made it.
I text, "Hey. Did you make it to XXXX yet?" I reveived no response and got really upset. I then text her, "Are you not going to answer me? WTF."
In all honesty, I was really upset on Friday because I thought she was blowing me off after what I thought was progress between us. While there was still no commitment, she told me last week that we are "trying" and that she would rather have spent (last weekend)with me.
That said, I was hurt and bothered the entire weekend. She called me on Saturday and on Sunday and I never responded because I was so upset. Then on yesterday morning (mon) she sent me the following text, "Happy first day of work. I knew you could do it!" Obviously yesterday was my first day in the hospital. I didn't respond until Yesterday evening and text, "Thank you Sarah. But I am still mad."
She followed up with, "then this obviously isn't going to work out." I text back, "agreed" and she followed with, "Im sorry."
I went to the gym right afterwards and let my emotions cool down. I then sent her a text, "God you are so afraid of getting hurt by me. Call me before you go to bed. I know you love me." I also text, "And you going to come visit me this weekend."
I didn't hear anything from her but she did end up calling late. She sounded very tired and on the verge of tears after traveling to New England monday morining where she will be for the entire week living out of hotels.
We spoke for about 10 minutes about her weekend and mine and how I missed her and was hurt she didn't call. She said she couldn't get reception on Friday so she called Saturday and Sunday. She then went into all the previously mentioned stuff and said she couldn't do this anymore.
She said she was numb to me and doesn't want to get into a relationship with anyone at this point due to her job. She said that she that this is a good time for us to go in separate directions since I have a new job as well. She just doesn't know what she wants and her feelings come and go. She said she is doing everything she can to push me away. In addition, she said that she might have to date someone to see if she still has feelings for me. I didn't argue with her; rather, I apologized, told her why I didn't respond, and told her I missed her. She said there is too much pressure on her right now with her job and life. I told her that I couldn't be with her if she was with someone else and she got mad and told me she thought about that and still wants to be alone.
I agreed with her, wished her luck, and said goodbye. She then got choked up and said goodbye to me.
That said, I know she loves me and misses me. I also know that it hurt her by not responding on Saturday or Sunday. I also know she is confused about us.
Therefore, what should I do. Should I let it cool off and contact her later in the week and see if she will try again. Or should I just go no contact and not speak to her again. I wish I didn't love this girl so much....
Thank you guys.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I believe you need to stop letting her leave, or you leave without having solid answers. If she's that hard to pin down, I would have asked her where you two stand during sex. I understand, sometimes we are reluctant to seek meaningful answers, because we are afraid of what the response will be, but in your situation that is what is needed. Let her know where you stand and what you are looking for, and see if that matched up with her. You may or may not have to end it, but from what you have said, I believe ending it would be doing so with unanswered questions. You don't want to jump the gun, lose someone you love because what they really want is misunderstood. I'd find out for sure. Ask her direct, and if she doesn't answer, ask her again.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 October 2010):
If she wants to take things slow day by day, then sex doesn't need to be thrown into the mix. That only messes up your feelings even more when you're trying to straighten them out. Bad move. That doesn't make any sense for her to say that. You're either not going to see other people and try to work this out, or you're going to part ways because you gave it your best shot. You not seeing anyone obviously tells her you want to work this out..so I'm going to take a stab and say it's a test. Sometimes women do that, sometimes the guys pass and a lot of times it backfires on us. I don't see you as being used, but I don't agree with the sex part..I mean it wasn't past 9 so technically it wasn't a booty call.
Stick it out if you want her back..if you're that tired of trying then start seeing other women.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (25 October 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey:
So we decided to meet last Friday for dinner since she was only 30 minutes from my home due to work. I wasn't really expecting her to show up, but she did.
She wanted to just grab a quick dinner around 5:30pm and head home; however, she stayed until 7 as she hung out with my roommate and a few friends. We decided we were not going to go out to dinner with them and when I started to walk out the door she grabbed me and told me to wait until they left.
She then asked if we could skip dinner and have sex - I obliged. However, afterward she said she wants to take things slow (day by day) and if I see someone else I just cant tell her. I told her I wasn't going to see someone else and that was pretty much it. She said she wanted to stay the night but couldn't because of a work deadline she needed to meet by midnight and went home.
We then spoke on Saturday but not at all on Sunday. I still haven't heard from her today either.
We definitely clicked before having sex but now I wonder if I am simply being used. Why the hell would she say we can take it day by day and while she wont see other people I could if I dont tell her.
Is this a game? Should I stop wasting my time at this point?
Thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 October 2010):
Taking it slow just means not to rush things. So often people want NOW, without having patients to allow things to progress into what may eventually be. It's to allow nature take its course, without trying to force the course.
...............................
A
male
reader, Joe31 +, writes (21 October 2010):
Joe31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the replies - very well thought out and helpful. I sent her an email expressing that I want to be with her and that I am frustrated with the games. I also asked for a second chance and for us to talk like we did the week before and to take it day to day.She called me a few hours after the email was sent and said that she received the email and talked about her day - nothing about the email. She then called me again last night and we spoke as if nothing every happened.I made it clear in the email that I wanted to be with her and to take things slow and see what happens. While she didn't comment on it, I think she must agree with it if she called me.I guess we will still talk and maybe down the road she will come around (taking it slow). However, I still think about her saying her feelings come and go for me and that her career is too important for her right now to commit to me...Tennisstar: While I was studying for the medical exams and working I seriously considered joining the military. I did all the tests, MEPS workouts, exercising etc. This had a huge impact on her as she thought if I joined up I would have "abandoned" her. She still mentions how I was going to just leave her for the military. Talking to her now, I think that played a big part (in addition to not seeing her) in her decision to break up.That said, what does taking it slow really entail???Thanks again for the great feedback.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 October 2010):
Yes, I'm wondering why she broke up with you in the first place? It could be she wasn't getting enough attention but that's a given being in a relationship with a med student. Then it's possible she felt like you would never have enough time for given with your career when you finished school. However, I'm not getting the real big issue here she seems to be blaming a lot on her job and yours.
Then she goes on to say that she won't date anyone but you can, but gets hypocritical when you mention you're talking to someone else. There's pieces of this story missing..If you love her try your hardest to get her back now..not in the future because one of you might move on before then and you don't know what the future holds. Give her an ultimatum..either you guys are together and will work on this relationship, both have to put the time and effort in. I know you'll be busy with your jobs but there's still a little time out of the day you can use to work on this. Or you're not together and you break off contact completely and go your separate ways in life. That's the only way either of you can truly move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 October 2010):
Did the two of you leave your intelligence at school? Life is tough. Relationships are not easy. You two are playing the gilt game, and that needs to stop. You can't be kissing and making out with her, then tell her not to contact you again. That's manipulative, and holding back your choice. It's as if, "you hurt me, now it's my turn". Saying that she needs to tell you what's going on, because you're talking to another girl??? How wrong does that sound. What you did is you told her how easy it is for her to be replaced. The act of talking seems innocent, but telling her the way you did totally reduced her view of how you value her. Hence, she blows up and hangs up on you.
I'm being a bit harsh, but reading through everything you wrote, I can tell two things (1) You two love each other (2) Both of you are laying guilt and confusion, which is literally destroying your chances to reconnect. That's the regret that I don't want either of you to have to live with. Think of what you say to her, then ask yourself, if she said the same to you, how would that affect you.
Another issue is that you two are living in hindsight. Think about it. You didn't find the time to spend with her, until she was heading out. I know about getting into ruts, or getting comfortable with how things are. I can see, by doing so, how she may be a little resistant to returning right away. If you two are going to be exclusive, why not just consider it your being together, or dating, or whatever else it can be called. Isn't it the same thing. Why keep that separate, when you two love each other. It's redundant to say, "we're exclusive now, but may be boyfriend/girlfriend down the road."
The next time you talk to her, be honest with her. If she's who you want to be with, tell her so. DO NOT bring up chatting it up with another girl. There have been a few changes in both of your lives. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to work through these changes together, rather than putting up a wedge between the two of you, and having to face them alone? When you talk, discuss whether or not your love is important. If you two are or are not intending on getting back together, and if you are, I recommend you do it now. If it's already stated that your intention is to do so, why wait? What would be the difference, other than knowing when you're on the phone and she's traveling and selling, that the person on the other end is someone who chooses you to be with?
So, I recommend that you talk to her, and if you two love each other get back together now, before these petty incidents, and going back and forth ruins your chances to do so.
Take care.
...............................
|
