A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, we both go to graduate school and work at the same time. The other day we were talking during dinner and he said that I always ordered the most expensive thing in the menú and drinks! I am sure he did not mean anything bad by it, but still I was extremely offended by this comment for a couple of reasons: -I always check the price of the meals and am moderate on what I order. We usually go to places where the most expensive meal is 12-14 bucks and on occasion we go to the fast food places. On movie theaters I never ask for any food or drinks. He always says do not worry about the price. Though sometimes I offer to go Dutch or help with the tip. If he orders a 6 dollar drink, I order something in the 2 dollar range or water about 75% of the time.On the 4 occasions we have drank alcohol at a restaurant I never drink anything that is pricier than what he is drinking. Out of those times once HE ordered a bottle of wine without consulting me.Most of the time I order from the "specials" menu.Being as this is a modern age I always offer to go dutch , or help with the tips, or pay for ice cream (dessert) he refuses. So then he says this..Needless to say, I am so turned off by this. I honestly do not want to go out again with him... because he won't let me pay, and because I will be worrying like crazy during ordering that I ordered something too expensive. The two times I've ordered an expensive item one for my birthday and the other for my graduation (around 16 bucks a plate) I ask him if he is sure that's okay and that I would love to go dutch. He INSISTS that I order it, and now says I order pricy food all the time.He asked me out, but I do not want to go. He came across as a miser... I am really not high maintenance and we can go to McDonald's for all I care. I figure that if you ask me out on a date...you can pay the meal, and since I am polite I always order on the cheaper side...so I think his comment is unfair.I told this to him, but he of course remember things his way. So I did not make a fuss and let it go I just rather avoid dates out with him.What would you do if the guy you were dating said this?I feel he sees me as a financial burden
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Hi all this is the poster of the question Actually has a good job, and he even splurges on buying stuff for Internet games. So he is not a starving college student, CindyCares hit the nail on the head with her advice, and I just refuse to go out with him if he refuses to let me pay my part. Dorothy Dix raises good questions. .. We have a nice time together, and I think his comment was more of foot on the mouth kind of thing. He is mostly respectful, and usually we get along. Hr has a nice personality, but we have different lifestyles and not much we like in common. I've been with him when he did not have money and was a broke college student. We stayed home and cooked something together, I do not mind that...but to be honest it's not the type of guy that I want to be with forever. Will have a talk with him about the limits we should put on going out if he has money issues and go dutch as well.Thank you all
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 I'd be turned off too. Super rude comment and super inappropriate , and I don't care if he is young or if he is a student, he's old enough to know that if you INVITE somebody and you insist for paying then you don't stay there watching how many morsels of food they swallow and how much each morsel costs. Even as a " throw away comment " is inopportune,- I'd " thow away " him ,tbh.
If you want to keep going out with him, though, don't just offer to go Dutch- GO Dutch. Tell him that you are not accepting any more invitations and you are not going out UNLESS you are allowed to split the bill. Chalk it up to a reawakened feminist conscience , or a New Year's resolution, or whatever comes to your mind, but do not put yourself in position to let this Indian giver throw his "generosity " in your face.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Hi
I think he just made a throw away comment but he has hit a sore spot with you.
Next date just ask him out, you can buy tickets for something or stop in and pre order take-away and pay for it either one as a surprise for him. That way he can't argue and refuse your offers to go dutch because you will already have paid.
While your on the date you've paid for, talk to him about going dutch or taking turns paying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): First of all to say something like that to a person you are treating is very rude. Even if it is so. Make your conclusion and don't invite this person anymore. Also as you mention you don't order anything more than him. Second of all after you offered him to pay for yourself , he refused, he can't complain about paying for your so called expensive choices. He should except the offer. I don't see anything wrong with young people like yourself splitting a bill of take turns in paying, if you oth can afford it. He is displaying a typical macho behavour: my woman is not paying for herself and then he miserably complains about the cost. When I met my future husband, we were in our twenties, had no money at all. I was still in college and he was looking for a job. We still wanted to go out, and I was always sharing the cost with him.he paid for couple first dates and even that was not nesseserally. We both knew thatis keep on paying our dates would soon will be a cup of coffe somewhere. I whenever had a chance invited him for occasional dinners or drinks. We looked for happy hours, and late dinner specials.So your boyfriend is illogical and tell him about that
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2013):
 He doesn't see you as a financial burden. He's a typical poor college student, and sometimes when people are money crunched, things get emotionally blown out of proportion. Should he have said that? No way, and it was immature of him to do that. He also needs to check his ego and take you up on the Dutch thing.
College truly is one of those times where a good meal is a huge treat. There was one time when I had to pay money for a car repair, and I didn't have much to eat, even a dollar to my name. I had scraped all the change I could to buy cans of soup, so one Sunday, I actually went to a Sam's Club for sample day, sampled every station once, and left. That was my food for the day.
I think you need to talk to him and tell him how he made you feel, and tell him what you said here to us. You may want to make your dates walks around the lake, or coming over for a DVD and a snack as opposed to eating dinner out. But tell him how you feel, because he can't take out his money worries on you.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (2 June 2013):
 You need to tell him that if he continues to refuse your offers to split the bill with him, he has NO RIGHT to complain about the price of the bills.
You've offered to help him pay. He's said no. He cannot logically complain about the price while actively refusing your money, that's just passive aggressive in the extreme.
If he continues this pattern, dump him, because if he's going to complain about -this-, he'll always find -something- to complain about...and you really don't want to date someone as negative as that. Talk about an emotional vampire!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (2 June 2013):
Hi there. So it is only a new relationship - a couple of months - that you have been together.
It seems that how much money he spends on a date, seems to be more important to him than whether or not it is an enjoyable evening.
And you have said here, that you both work, and so there is some money coming in.
Or at least, enough money for him to take you out in the first place.
I guess what matters the most here, is apart from the issue of money - for him - how would you honestly say you feel about your relationship with him generally speaking?
Would you say you get along really well, and that you have a lot in common - interests, movies, music, books, tv shows, similar lifestyles etc.?
And does he speak nicely to you at other times, when it is just the two of you at home sitting on the lounge for instance?
Do you find him to be interesting and a fun personality, with a great sense of humour?
And do you enjoy being in his company - apart from the restaurant times, I mean?
And does he treat you with respect and dignity at all times?
And do you get a say in where you go, when he takes you out?
It is possible that he is very proud, and doesn't want you to feel you should offer to pay for your own meals, and yet at the same time he wants to pay for everything, and is wondering through the night whether he might fall short of the bill cost, and then feel embarrassed when he doesn't have enough money to pay for it.
It's like when you go to the supermarket and have to buy quite a lot of items, and you go on mentally tallying up the totals roughly as you go along, knowing before you walk in there how much money you have, and so you hope that you aren't going to be $2 short or $5 short, and then feel foolish because you have to put some items back.
I mean, it happens, and we have all been there at some time in our lives.
And the reason I mention this, is that it could be that your boyfriend, could be having these same doubts each time he takes you out to a nice restaurant.
And this is what I mean by being proud.
And by proud, I mean he doesn't want to say straight out to you, that he doesn't know if he has enough money to pay for whatever you order off the menu, and so this is why he appears to be watching what you order, and then he spots the price and thinks - "Oh My God! She has ordered the most expensive thing on the menu! I really hope I can afford what this ends up costing me!"
And internally, he could be having a mental panic attack, picturing himself being handed a teatowel to wipe the dishes, in payment for the excess that he fell short of in the total cost.
I guess you can imagine what that must feel like for him.
He may not be earning much money with his job, and so he might be living on a very tight budget, just so he can keep his car running, and feed himself at home, and pay his personal bills and expenses each week.
And his budget for the restaurant, might not be very realistic.
He could be only guessing at what he hopes it might end up being.
And this could be rather awkward for all concerned.
And he might be reluctant to use a credit card, so he doesn't get himself into any further debt, as he could be paying off a student loan, as many students do.
So there are a few possibilities as to what might be behind his seemingly miser type behaviour.
I don't believe truly, that he is a miser.
I honestly DO believe, that it is much more likely that he isn't allowing as much for a dinner date with you, as he probably ought to be.
It seems that he is underestimating the real cost of going to a restaurant.
If I were you - sooner rather than later - I would be having a chat with him about this situation, and telling him honestly, how it makes you feel.
And you could also say, that as this seems to be a pattern for him, you would rather not go out to any restaurents at all, as it is simply too uncomfortable for you, and it makes you very unhappy.
And that it spoils your evening.
And also tell him, that you are having serious doubts as to whether you want to continue seeing him at all.
And he really needs to know this, as he probably has no clue whatsoever of how you feel, and the impact his penny pinching habits are having on you.
And when you do have this chat, just be kind and respectful, and don't get angry or upset, and stay calm so then he knows you are coming from a place of peace, and not from a place of anger or resentment.
And by staying calm, your thoughts will remain very clear as well.
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