A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. I just don't feel like he's committed to the relationship. I haven't met his parents, he has never given me a gift (he sent me a text message for my birthday), and he doesn't invite me to meet his friends. We've never even spent a day together. We just hang out once or twice a week (in the evening). Generally we just watch a movie or just talk and then we have sex. I feel like he's using me and I have a really hard time trusting him about anything. I got mad at him about it last week. He told me he was going to hang out with me then canceled (this happens a lot) and I told him he doesn't spend enough time with me. He said "We've been hanging out almost twice a week" like it shouldn't be a big deal. I really don't think he realizes he's hurting me. We have good conversations and I have fun when we do hang out, it's just not enough.Also, we don't really have any activities that we both like. I like to hike, camp and travel. I also love to read. He doesn't like any of that. He just likes video games, tv, watching and betting on sports, and drinking games. I really like talking to him. I've never met anyone like him for conversation. He thinks a lot differently from other people I've met so our conversations are always great. I don't know what to do.
View related questions:
text, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (10 July 2010):
 Everything he's been doing is a clear sign he doesn't feel like putting forth any effort and really isn't committed to you. It sounds like he doesn't even have respect for you, because you're allowing him to treat you as a convenience.
Talk to him about how you're feeling, otherwise he won't be aware that his actions upset you. Let him know his behaviour makes it seem like he doesn't care, but not in an accusatory way. If he ignores your concerns, you'll have your answer and more than enough reason to end the relationship.
A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (9 July 2010):
 You know, I have to agree with Caring Guy. He did state a lot of points that I would have stated which saved me time on some that he has not.
I suggest you do this if you feel that you two can have more other than great convos. The convo's might be wonderful and great but they could be like that if you two were just friends.
Try to talk to him, see if you can get the message across. If he really is not getting it, Just come out and ask "why have I not met your family,friends,etc?"
Also with him canceling things I would just cancel on him. Let him see it does not feel great. Even if you want to see him. Maybe you can read what his reactions are after that. To see if he is using you or not in your own mind.
Now with the activities, a majority of guys are into that. Why not trying to have him go on little walks with you at first then hiking. Then you try to watch the game with him. etc. I have to like some things that my partner likes (video games,wrestling,fighting) I just dislike the game thing. I really can't stand someone who spends their fun times for hours on games. Besides the point. We went searching for games that we both like. Something we both can play. I enjoy that. Maybe you would too. Never know.
Look, I honestly feel that he is using you. Each time (I'm guessing) that you see each other you two have sex? That's not great and it's only twice a week of seeing each other?
But if there really is more to what is going on then maybe you can find out. Just be smart you deserve better and can get better, If he is not the best.
I hope for the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 He thinks two days a week it's a lot. He wouldn't commit to you if he feels that he's not enough for you. Bringing you to his parents mean that you are serious enough to marry one day. I don't know about using you but he's a guy who does what he wants. Watching movies and having sex are his favorite things to do with a loved one. He's disorganized with time and that's his weakness. If you ask him to be prompt and things don't improve, then it's take it or leave it for you. So before wanting him to commit to you, think first if you can live with his over relaxed attitude, and his inability to stick with promises.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): i personally think that you should just make it work and play with the cards you got and try to like some of the things he likes.
...............................
A
female
reader, karen1989  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 your my relationship twin! lol. i had a boyfriend like this, and finished it 4 or 5 months ago. trust me things arent about to get any better.everything you've described: you don't see eachother much (only in the evenings) and wen you confront him about it he acts like twice a weeks is a lot. this all sounds very familiar and will eventually become very emotionally draining! it got to the point where it was hurting me so much that i had to end it. he wasnt prepared to spend more time with me,i hadnt met his parents,and he was cancelling on me more and more often. so yeah that ended and a few months later i found out from once of his friends that the reason he wasnt spending that much time with me is because he was spending it with some other girl. hearing that nearly killed me. i thought this guy was amazing! we clicked so well he was interesting,attractive,good in the bedroom, kind and that spark was there-the one you don't get with many people. Despite the fact i didnt see him as often as i would of liked i still thought he felt the same way. He said all the right things told me i was beautiful and special,but turns out they were just words. Don't be a fool, not for any man. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, penguinboy25 +, writes (9 July 2010):
There are a couple topics of importance here and unfortunately they are not just about him but also about you. Lets start with him.Obviously he has some kind of commitment issue which is evident in the fact that you havn't met with his friends and seem to be hanging out on a limited scale. It's been 10 months, a bit of a turning point in the relationship. Now my girlfriend who I love dearly had met my closest friends and mother within a few months. To me I don't want to give someone my heart and feelings unless I know they are worthy of that. You must feel hurt and discouraged inside, and he may not know that he is doing this to you. However, that doesn't excuse it. Here is where you come in. You need to communicate with him specifically about what you want and how you want to be involved in his life. You can't drag this out any longer if he isn't willing and greatful that someone like yourself is taking an interest in his life. My other objection is a little bit off topic but it has to do with sex. I can't understand why one would have sex with someone when they havn't gotten past some of the initial barriers in relationships. Usually if sex takes place within the first month of the relationship you can get a pretty good feel for the overall hobbies and interests of the other person. Soon after that you should know if you want to continue on, or perhaps maybe the sex should be put off until you do know. If you are willing to put all of your feelings and love on the line it is only fair to you that you receive the same amount of sentiment and love. If you want to give him chance then have a serious conversation and when you tell him it is over look at his response and that will pretty much say it all. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 July 2010):
I'm afraid that I do agree with you when you say you're being used. Look at this from the outside like me, and all you'll see is this.
He hasn't introduced you to his parents in ten months,
You have little in common,
You've not met his friends,
You never really spend even a day together,
He cancels a lot.
The list is pretty endless really. Even in the second from last paragraph, there are five things there that he does that don't involve you at all. That's just in that one paragraph.
I'm sure you're worth a lot more than this. I hope you think that too. And, if you can look at him without those rose tinted glasses, you'll see that him being able to hold a conversation does not make all the other failures on his behalf right. At all. You know you can do better than this. And I hope you do, because he sure as hell won't change.
...............................
|
