A
female
age
41-50,
*plendid_spiders
writes:Ugh! I feel I am going crazy and I need some advice from you all -- regarding cheating. First of all I'd like to state that I am pregnant and since becomming pregnant I've not been my usual self, so I feel I can not see clearly at times. Anyhoo, here goes ... so, my boyfriend and I moved in together last June and since then, he's left condoms laying all over the floor of his closet. This was no shock to me because he had them laying around before we moved in together. So, the other day when I got home from work, I noticed one was gone and the others had been put in a box. I feel I must explain a few things before I go on. First off, he didn't have much of a time window to cheat being my daughter was home when he got home, which was at 4. She then left and I got home at 7. He also doesn't have a phone ... so I dunno how he would communicate with someone. However, he had been using yahoo messanger for the two hours I was not at home, which he doesn't normally use and has FEW friends he ever chats with. Another odd issue -- for some reason he keeps a dildo and does occationally watch shemale porn, which is where the other condoms have been recently stored/moved. I'm so confused and scared. I asked him if he'd cheated on me and he said no and told me he loves me. He asked me why I would think such a thing ... I just told him it was a feeling. Could it be possible that he used the condom to jack off to his shemale porn?! Did he use the dildo on himself and put the condom on it? Or is a three hour window of time, enough time to have some female over, cheat, and then cover it all up? I feel stupid for feeling so insecure. He's so good to me and has never shown any signs, other than this, of cheating. Our sex life is great, we don't fight ... he comes home every day after work ... he doesn't go out at night ... he doesn't flirt or look at other women ... he doesn't look at internet porn. The porn he does have, he's pretty open about and uses it only when I'm not around. Nothing adds up! Am I overreacting? Is my pregnancy getting the best of me?! If he was going to cheat, wouldn't he worry that my daughter or I could walk through the door at any time? Please help me to see clearly! Ps ... that night, in the middle of the night, he was talking sexually in his sleep, which just made me even more curious as to what the hell is going on!-- "suck it ... oh, yeah!" Note: he does talk to me like this when we are having sex, so I don't know what to think.
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female
reader, Baldessari +, writes (24 June 2009):
Men who are addicted to pornography are incapable of being in a relationship. Their sexual partner of choice is themselves, and girlfriends and wives come second.
Sexual addiction is like alcoholism or any other addiction, demands for more of the intoxicant increase as the addiction intensifies.
Anyone who thinks looking at Internet pornography is not a very serious marital problem may need a very cold shower. These marriages have a very basic dishonesty. Does your husband hide the masturbation? Or does he do right in front of you? If he won't do it shamelessley in front of you, why not? Oh, I see, he's ASHAMED. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.
I think you're husband is cheating. But as one woman said, I would get my ducks in a row before I said anything. Having sex with the computer, she-males, dildos, this is all cheating, it is robbing your marriage of any dignity at all.
How does this pornography make you feel? Badly? Insecure? Worried? Anxious? There are four very good reasons for him to stop. Does he have a girlfriend? Who know, watching porn on the computer is just as bad. IT IS CHEATING.
One more thing, pornography victimizes, degrades, and hurts someone's daughter or son. Isn't that enough to stay away from it?
A
female
reader, splendid_spiders +, writes (2 October 2007):
splendid_spiders is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, guys, I'll chill :) Thank you so much for all your advice ... I feel much better just hearing what others had to say. I guess I should try to have more trust and faith in my man ... it's just hard to trust sometimes. I almost feel bad for thinking these horrible thoughts about him ... almost as if he doesn't deserve it. He probably deserves a lot more credit than I give him. Thank again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): You give me a slight clue there - he took out the bathroom trash. The missing item went out with it, probably. Chances are he wanked into it.
Phil
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Dont panic. Don't worry about the condom . Here's two reasons.
1. When my wife uses a dildo she always insists on putting a condom on it. ( I actually assumed most people did it not the other way round ).
2. Sometimes if a guy wants to have a quick wank then a condom is brilliant, you dont have any messy stuff to clean up and you can just slip it off and throw it in the trash. Easy.
So I dont think you need to worry.
Chill o.k.???
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A
female
reader, splendid_spiders +, writes (2 October 2007):
splendid_spiders is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys! Thanks for all your advice ... I feel a little better; however, I'm still wondering what happened to the condom and why it just so happened to disappear the same day he was on yahoo for two hours, talking in his sleep ... oh, and did I mention he also took two showers?! And to those of you who asked, yes I counted the condoms, lol. I've been cheated on so many times in other relationships ... I'm just cautious now. I'm very scared of being cheated on because it hurts me so badly! Oh! And about the dildo and shemale porn: I know its a bit strange, but he's a very sexual person. I don't think he's attracted to men, but I have a feeling he enjoys anal sex more than he will admit to. I thought that perhaps he put the condom on the dildo to protect the dildo. Is that silly? I dunno. And I'm afraid if I bring up the missing condom, I will hurt his feelings and he will think I don't trust him. But what am I supposed to think?! I mean, the condom is gone! Oh, and get this: that night when I came home I saw that he'd actually taken out the bathroom trash, which he never does! I don't want to push him too much with my assumptions. He does so much for me. He's the kind of guy who goes to the store for me at 4am and doesn't even complain! And he sings to my pregnant belly, lol. God, I don't want to think he'd cheat on me! :( and to the person who asked about our sex -- we have the same amount of sex as we did before I got preggo. I admit, I can't be as kinky as we would both like because I have a huge belly and I'm almost due. But, I make up for what I can't do :) he doesn't seem unhappy at all. And yeah, he does watch a lot of porn, but that's okay because I know he's a very sexual guy and I love him for it (sometimes I like to watch his porn, lol). I really hope you are all right and I have nothing to worry about! But where did the condom go?! I know I saw it there the same day it disappeared!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Dang those pregnant emotions. Gotta love them. It sounds like he's a good guy. He has a couple of weird things like the vibrator and the she male videos, but he's open with you about it.
You're going to question everything for a while, you're going to think the worse, and nothing will add up. you're going to be a mama, one thing that is true in most expecting mothers is to protect their children. I think you are over analyzing making sure your child comes home to a safe environment.
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A
female
reader, laced +, writes (1 October 2007):
I would be honest with him about my suspicions. Tell him you realize that it may be nothing, but there should be no secrets between you at this time, and if you are worried about this, even if it is overreaction on your part, it is going to affect you physically. If he truly loves and cares for you, your concerns will be important to him, and he will try to alleviate your worries. Relationships are never easy...but you owe it to yourself to have truth and security in your love life.
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A
male
reader, mortimer +, writes (1 October 2007):
 Let it go!!! TRUST ME. This feeling that you have is more a matter of confidence within yourself than anything else. You must first recognize that you are a wonderful person who deserves an equally great partner. Sounds to me like you need to re-affirm your faith (if you have one) and trust god to handle this. I woulden't ask or even look into it further. Relax, stress isn't good for the baby and belive me I know how this can eat away at you. It's not a question of not knowing, its a case of forcing yourself to ignore minor things and TRUST the love you two share. Please take my advice as hard as it must sound b/c it is the only correct advice to give.
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A
female
reader, CynthiaRenae +, writes (1 October 2007):
I think you're ok. It doesn't sound like he's cheating but the dildo thing is weird. Does he usually use on himself? That's fine if he's into that but why use a condom for that? Do you know for sure that a condom is missing? I wouldn't worry too much about it. You might just be a little paranoid b/c you're pregnant. Which is totally normal. Don't lose any sleep over this.
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A
female
reader, CynthiaRenae +, writes (1 October 2007):
I think you're ok. It doesn't sound like he's cheating but the dildo thing is weird. Does he usually use on himself? That's fine if he's into that but why use a condom for that? Do you know for sure that a condom is missing? I wouldn't worry too much about it. You might just be a little paranoid b/c you're pregnant. Which is totally normal. Don't lose any sleep over this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): it isnt your fault that you feeel like this but make sure you have good damn evidence before accusing x
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A
female
reader, On Cloud9  +, writes (1 October 2007):
 I feel so bad for you having to go over all this in your mind, it will drive you crazy no doubt but I urge to properly sit down and talk to you partner about this and try and keep yourself calm about it (which you do sound like you would do anyway) and see if he will open up to you about what is happening.
I personally would be concerned about the shemale porn and possession of a dildo - regardless of situation with condoms. But then thats just because I don't understand it. My first instinct was to ask if he was interested in men directly and perhaps fantasing about being with men, but then I have been told that having an interest in shemale porn and being gay is not a natural connection and so may not actually be anything to be worried about.
Anyway, back to your main concern, it doesn't sound like he is having an affair to be honest, like you say there isn't any time for him to do so.
You say your sex life is great, but has it been different since you have been pregnant? do you have less sex? if so, perhaps thats why he has been using porn more and having more sexual interupptions throughout the night.
Speak to him, tell him everything and chances are he will be able to clear things up very quickly. If you continue to keep making your own conclusions as to whats going on, you will continue to drive yourself mad re this. Ask him for explanation and clear this up for your own piece of mind.
I wish you well x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): I think perhaps you are overreacting to a non-event.
How do you know one condom was missing - did you count them? You don't say how old your daughter is, but is it possible that she took one? I know as kids we used to stick them on the end of bike handlebars and inflate them from the other end of the pipe, blowing them up until they burst.
Keep your eye on things, but he sounds a decent chap to me, and unless his behaviour suddenly changes, or you've got some pretty definite proof, I think you can assume there's nothing to worry about.
Hormones do awful things to a woman when she's pregnant!
Phil
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