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female
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*vanna22
writes: Please help. I can't live like this anymore. I really think my boyfriend of three years and 7 months is cheating on me. We argue ALL the time. He treats me like sh** when we fight. He calls me a bi** and I told him to not call me that no matter how angry we are at each other. I even said to him "you can call me any other name but I do not like that name", but he keeps doing it and I keep telling him but he doesn't care. It seems that he's never gonna change. We hit each other all the time and one day he spat on my face and all the saliva was all over my face and he didn't even apologize afterwards. It's IMPOSSIBLE to talk to him cuz he just starts screaming like crazy and gets frustrated VERY easily. There's NO way he'll let me go through his phone I don't know why. He ALWAYS turns his phone on silent when we're together and he says he does it cuz when we're together he doesn't care about anyone else. To me sounds like a cheap excuse. This weekend I told him I wanted to hang out with him cuz I don't really have any friends cuz I just moved here and he said he doesn't want to see me cuz we fight too much and he doesn't think we should spend a lot of time together. So he goes and hangs out with all his friends and sleeps over his friends house. At least that's what he told me. And I don't even know what they really did. I don't drink or smoke and i'm against it, but I don't care if other people do it's just me. So when he first started going to college I asked him if he tried smoking or drinking several times and he swore to me that he didn't until I found a bunch of pipes in his bag and instead of me getting mad at him he started bitching at me and using reverse psychology. I didn't care as much that he smoked or drank, I just didn't like how he lied to me like that. He told me he was smoking for 9 months. So all that time he was lying to me when he told me he didn't. I feel like if he lies about things like that he can easily lie to me about other things and I would never find out. I'm extremely upset right now cuz he's ALWAYS hanging with his friends and they're all single and looking for excitement and I think they're gonna push him to go to parties and stuff. Another reason why I think he's cheating or doing something he's not supposed to is because sometimes when I call him while he's out with his friends he won't pick up his phone for hours. Then he'll call me at like 3 in the morning and tell me that his phone went on silent by itself. He always uses that stupid excuse, I mean what kinda cellphone does that??? He clearly thinks i'm that retarded. I also feel like he only wants me for sex, cuz he's always putting so much pressure on me to have sex with him, day and night, everyday. He never gets enough of it and it's very stressful to me. And if I really don't feel like doing anything he'll ask me to take my panties off and bend over and show him my stuff so that he can masturbate. I'm telling you, I don't enjoy our sex life AT ALL, cuz us women are all about emotions and he's not romantic all. He's more of a desperated pervert to me. I hate our sex life. And it's not just that but the fact that there's no emotional connection anymore. sometimes when I try to share something with him he seems to not wanna listen to me. He rolls his eyes and then when I ask him why he just rolled his eyes he says: "what?? I didn't do that!" Please help.I'm 18 years old and one of the main reasons why i'm not leaving this ass hole yet is because I do like him still and I am hoping we'll stop fighting one day and we'll get married and live together, but I don't know if i'm being blind. Another reason why I don't leave him is because his family is very wealthy and if anything bad happens to me they'll definitively help me like always. I'm in a really bad situation right now. I'm working full time and trying to do my best but my mom doesn't even wanna pay for my groceries and stuff anymore so that's why I feel like I can't leave him sometimes. Anyways, what do u guys think I should do? Do u think he's cheating on me? and do u guys think he's only using me for sex? Thanks for reading and please tell me your opinion.
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female
reader, Brooke116  +, writes (18 November 2010):
OK Darlin,
I came across this today. It's been three years since you posted and you are 21 years old now. Tell us, what did you decide to do? Are you free of this terrible situation? Are you safe and happy now? (God willing)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Telling him you don't like it...you made him aware of how to hurt you so in his mind...you have giving him consent by using negative reinforcement by giving him the reaction he wants.
He doesn't resepct or love you and will deliberately go out of his way to do the opposite of everything you ask of him unless it happens to be what he wants. He wants to hurt you because when he goes to leave you, you feel abandoned like you did when you were a child so you will take FULL responsibility for all the wrongs and you will plead and promise to change and guess what...you do and he knows it and he doesn't have to do a darned thing. You get to feed his ego. You get to give and he doesn't have to give a thing back. Isn't he set for life?
He's no King and doesn't deserve your love.
Unfortunately...
You choose this emotionally unavailable man because he represents your Mom or Dad who wasn't there for you. You believe your LOVE will heal this man and change him and you will rescue him and with this, he will finally see you and love you and accept you and you finally get what you have been missing all your life.
He is abusive just like someone from your past. You've witnessed this and so now it has warped your sense of reality and what LOVE really is and how a loving, adult relationship should look like.
Leave him. He only causes you pain and suffering. This is what was taught to you at an early age and it WRONG.
Get counselling so you can heal and deal with the past so you can realize that YOU DESERVE real love in that you will find a loving, honest, giving, reliable man who will be your friend, will treat you with respect and who will make you feel safe and valueable.
You will keep falling for the same type of losers if you do not wake up from the hell you are in and get strong...use that fighting spirit you have to survive and use it to heal and recover and get healthy.
YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT AND HAPPINESS JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE WHO BREATHS.
From one survivor to another.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Not wasting time with lengthy reply - easy answer DUMP HIM!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I agree with Eve and actually I am pretty saddened that you are allowing yourself to be abused in this way. You are a young women and you should be enjoying life and having good relationship times and experiences. God only knows what kind of damage he is doing to your opinion of relationships, intimacy, sex and men. I don't really understand why you are worried that he is cheating on you - isn't the more important question why you are even with him? What if you ever fall pregnant and have a child with him. Can you imagine a child seeing daddy split at mum and call her a bitch?
You're 18, you can have so much great fun times ahead of you. Sort it out, find your self respect and look to the future before you become as messed up and abusive as he is because that really will be tragic.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 You are being blinded here. He IS cheating on you, he has no respect for you whatsoever and is using you as a doormat whenever he shouts, you come running. Okay, so his parents are wealthy, YOU are only using his parents for what they have and that's not nice either! Come on, this relationship is going NOWHERE! You are both totally unsuited to one another. Leave the relationship now and have some pride in yourself! He's a loser and a user and if you keep with him you'll turn out being that yourself!
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 March 2007):
You are being blinded here. He IS cheating on you, he has no respect for you whatsoever and is using you as a doormat whenever he shouts, you come running. Okay, so his parents are wealthy, YOU are only using his parents for what they have and that's not nice either! Come on, this relationship is going NOWHERE! You are both totally unsuited to one another. Leave the relationship now and have some pride in yourself! He's a loser and a user and if you keep with him you'll turn out being that yourself!
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 March 2007):
You are being blinded here. He IS cheating on you, he has no respect for you whatsoever and is using you as a doormat whenever he shouts, you come running. Okay, so his parents are wealthy, YOU are only using his parents for what they have and that's not nice either! Come on, this relationship is going NOWHERE! You are both totally unsuited to one another. Leave the relationship now and have some pride in yourself! He's a loser and a user and if you keep with him you'll turn out being that yourself!
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 March 2007):
You are being blinded here. He IS cheating on you, he has no respect for you whatsoever and is using you as a doormat whenever he shouts, you come running. Okay, so his parents are wealthy, YOU are only using his parents for what they have and that's not nice either! Come on, this relationship is going NOWHERE! You are both totally unsuited to one another. Leave the relationship now and have some pride in yourself! He's a loser and a user and if you keep with him you'll turn out being that yourself!
Eve
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A
female
reader, Sam23 +, writes (12 March 2007):
Hi Ivanna,
It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure at the moment, and I get the feeling that the underlying issue is not love but money. You give the impression that you would leave him if you could be financially independent, which is of course a very difficult situation considering you are already working full-time.
It's a lot for an 18-year-old to think about, especially because you're mother either can't or won't help you. You don't say whether you have made any close friends, or if there are any caring people you can keep in touch with. I get the impression you want to find an escape route, what do you think your options are in terms of meeting some new friends?
You mention not drinking or smoking, not everyone does this and there are certainly places you can go to socialise that don't require being drunk - volunteering a little bit can provide people with a caring social network, as can going to church every once in a while even if you don't believe in God. The point is you can find good people out there.
As for your relationship, only you can know what to do. Depending on other people for financial security can make you very vulnerable. It sounds like your boyfriend believes that no-matter what he does you won't leave him and as such he has a lot of control over you, especially in terms of your sex-life. He also appears to be an aggressive person. It would be difficult for you to leave him, but if you want to leave its not an impossibility.
You say that you want to get married in the future, what do you imagine this marriage to be like? Do you imagine he will be a different person once married?
Your situation does concern me, mostly because I feel that you are being taken advantage of, which no-body should have to endure.
Take Care x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): OK lets get this straight:He hits youHe spits on youHe calls you a b***HHe lies to youHe may be cheatingHe is always fighting with youHe ignores your phone calls And bottom line you want to MARRY him? You think he will change???
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