A
female
age
51-59,
*onderingcat
writes:Help! Did I make a mistake in ending our relationship? If I did, how should I rectify the situation? I read the link on warning signs of dating a loser (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html), and thought that while I was initially surprised to see that I may have been classified as a "loser", but when I read on, I think I made the right decision in ending the relationship. Bu any advice would be appreciated here now. Thanks. Here's the story (a rather long one to provide context, but there is a summary at the bottom if you don't have time to read :-) 2 things I initially thought I was a loser: (1) I did say "I love you" after only 4-6 weeks, but the last time I did say it to a man was 10 years ago! (2) and I did cry at at the thought of not knowing when to see him again, since our schedules were unpredictable. At that time we both had short term contracts, I still do but next month he will start a permanent job overseas. We connected amazingly on the intellectual level, he is very witty, and very bright, and we also had amazing sex as we both have very high sex drive (even though he is over 50). He was never married (but in a "permanent" relationship for 18 years until his partner went into depresssion for 4 years). He has a son in college, and has been "single" again for 2-3 years now. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she went verbally ballistics in an airport as they said good byes, and so he did not want to be in a relationship where that attitude would be in a pattern.My story:I started to think that something was wrong after a week of sleeping together. Clue # 1: He made a drama about my not doing my job (at the time we were on a same project), printouts spread over the conference table. I went to his PC, and he discovered that he had opened the wrong file! No apologies from him, ever.Clue # 2: I like to hug him in my sleep, and he said it was OK with him. Great sex 3am and 6am sex (which he initiated) sometimes even after a passionate sex before sleep (he goes to bed at 9pm). But one nite he woke me up telling me "how can I get it through you that I need my sleep and that we have our sides of the bed". I cried the next morning and asked him to not be verbally abusive, and he promised he would do it as long as I promised to listen. Then he discovered he liked spooning and pulled my arm around him to hug/spoon him! No apologies for "shouting" at me and making me feel as if I was very insensitive and "selfish" for wanting body contact (with his "permission"!). I apologized, cried because I was leaving town then, and said I was afraid that it would not work between us. He convinced me that we have "invested" so much into the relationship so we should stay together.Clue # 3: On the plane, he was returning to his country and I to my hometown, issues on religion came up. I can understand his wanting not to conform to any religion, but when I said I'd like to keep mine, he said "Well, go find yourself a ***** boy and marry him then" in public, loudly. I was flabbergasted, but kept my mouth shut. I apologized for getting him upset. We spoke again on the phone after that, granted, I was rather "chilli" on the phone (perhaps I was still sulking?? I did say I love him and missed him). Next, his email said I made a difficult decision easier for him, to chose a job in a different country (in fact, he was just being pragmatic - it was the first permanent job offered after so many applications sent over the year this was the only one he was offered). His form of apologies? "Things are done and words can be offered on impulse; the results of just exercising language haphazardly which should not be analysed or parsed". Clue #4: He invited me to his hometown at short notice, but he withdrew it just as quickly when I asked him why did he want me there? He said he wanted to introduce me to his life back home. Later, he chided me for not introducing him to my friends and parents (yet, he was in my town for 2 days, and never shared with me any plans to revisit my town). I asked what he wanted to do and did everything he wanted while he visited my hometown. No mention of meeting my friends or parents, after all, it was the first time we were together in my home town outside work.Clue # 5: Last straw. He did not tell me his schedule, I knew by accident that he was in the same town with me. I was in the same hotel but I did not see him until his last day there. (I was busy - left very early before him and came back to hotel past his bedtime, granted I also did not tell him that I had been there 3 days - no way of meeting him in person even if I wanted to - also I was actually afraid to meet him!). I met him just before he left for the airport. I apologized for not contacting him sooner (his last email was his final decision to move on). Then he called me "crazy for lurking around in the hotel not contacting him". He also said that I was "a piece of work, an amazing woman but a piece of work" and that I played "all my cards well". He also told me that the reason I was not in any permanent relationship in the past 6-10 years is because "I asked too many questions too soon and that drove men away". This assumption, of course, was made without him ever asking me about my past relationship (which by the way, was my bipolar partner had an depressive episode and was on prolonged treatment overseas and I could not follow him)Bottom line: It was wonderful when we weren't fighting, but when we had a fight, it seemed like I ended up feeling shitty and with very low esteem. I felt like walking on eggshells, always afraid that he would hurl cleverly masked abusive words again at me, both in private as well in public. He finally confessed over the phone that he did love me and was in love with me, and that he missed our interplay of minds. Unfortunately, those were the words I have been longing to hear when we were together, but now it is too late. Or is it? He never said it back when I said "I love you" or "I missed you" (when I was away for days/weeks), instead he would just offer a smile and a nod at best. I stopped saying "I love you" after a while, because it somewhat upset him. He said "love is a journey, not a destination, and he needs time for it to grow" and I said "love is an existence, be it with different degrees of strength". Men from Mars and women from Venus? ;-) I am a very independent woman, but I would like to think that I listen to people and do not make assumptions without having the right information first. And this includes opening communications with him again if that would be good for both of us.Help!!!! Does he fall into the classification of "abuser"? Do I? Should I try to contact him again? We don't live in the same country anymore now. I think we have have sent emails to finalize our "endings" and "closure" though. Thank you for all you out there who can offer any constructive comments.
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broke up, move on, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, django  +, writes (25 January 2009):
It's good to hear that you chose the sensible option. Don't get yourself down - based on your words you have absolutely no reason for it. Best of luck with less problematic partners.
A
female
reader, PunkyPippi  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 You're awesome, Cat. We all do and say things we shouldn't, but if we're worth the ground we stand on, we're willing to try to change. He is not willing, and that speaks volumes.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (21 January 2009):
wonderingcat is verified as being by the original poster of the question To PunkyPippi
Thank you for your brief comment. Did some turning and churning :-( and now have decided that despite his being a wonderful person 95% of the time, I noticed that he did not desist hurling disrespectul words since he does not realize nor believe that it has a demeaning impact on the person. He said it is the "Mediteranean" in him and that I should just accept it. If I continued with the relationship, I am sure that this well get worse instead of better, and already I am doubting myself - thinking I am less of a good person :-(
Thanks again!
Cat
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (20 January 2009):
wonderingcat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! Good to have both male and female comments for my posting. To Django. I am a rather quiet person, but very witty and funny with the right people (in small dinner table kind of party I am often the one that throws an off the wall topic that gets everyone animated while I enjoy the progress quietly in the background). I am a petite Asian woman, dress quite simply, hardly wears any makeup or jewelry, and have had my moments of turning heads. I have asked about his past relationships nicely, which I believe he also answered truthfully. He never asked about mine, so his comment “I drove men away” was surprising for me. He just assumed the two previous serious relationship fell apart because when in fact one was was treated (in his home country) and one was recalled to HQ when the plant had problems. I think he based that comment from when I once said “Please don’t go away” after I asked if there is an “us” as a "base" (not geographical base yet, just “us” as two people thinking “what next” in trying to work out schedulesLater though, he protested against it because he said he has “a little boy” (21 yo and in college!) and financial responsibilities (mortgage etc) back home. He said his ex never apologizes for the important things, but now I think he does not realize that he does not either. And yes, he likes to use words that I have to look up in a dictionary! He said he would not be “rushed” when I asked him where we were going with this relationship (after 6 months, of not saying “I love you” back and not responding to “I missed you” to me of course ?), whereas I told him I would like to know where I was being “pulled” on this “journey”. After all, we are not in our teens anymore ?. And yes, I did offer a platonic relationship – which was what it was before we got sexually intimate – and he said something like I had just played my “trump card” so he refused that offer. To anonymous:The waking me up because he lacked sleep is fine, but the words he hurled were not He was fully awake at that time. And my fear that it was a pattern (his choice of mean words when he is upset) actually materialized! In my past serious relationship, sure I felt “bad” after a fight (hugs, apologies, and talks normally solved it), but never with a feeling of low esteem and worthlessness. The cleverly masked abusive words he hurled at me really made me feel as if I was a really bad person. My first reaction was that those were very disrespectful to me though, words that I would never ever use on anyone. I now think he is still very angry over his previous 18 years relationship (so much invested, after all) which still left some unresolved issues, and now he used me as his emotional “punching bag”. There were other instances with mean words from him, when he was upset with something (nothing to do with me). But then, not knowing his past real well, I don’t know whether his "anger" is a caused by the unresolved issues in his past, or that it was what caused his ex to go into a 4 years depression. I honestly believe that he is a truly wonderful person without his verbal abuses … but is it something that a partner could help, or does he need professional help? Should I wait until he emails or phones me? Or should I just leave it at that now and see how things develop over time? Cat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): Sorry there was a typo error in my earlier response it should have read "I personally dont think either of you are abusers but however both of you are NOT well calculated with your words" sorry for that
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): I personally dont think either of you are abusers but however both of you are well calculated with your words. Over a period of time in life while working and interacting with different people we gain a lot of experience in analysing people and trying to judge them however when you are in love and a relationship it becomes very dificult to use calculated words and one should not base a judgement on a few episodes where there may be other factors involved. Like for instance both me and my partner like to cuddle up and sleep however if for some reasons unknown to me she has pushed me away in the middle of the night or said something I would not like to base my analysis of her on just this and trust me there have been many such times. You need to understand that a simple upset stomach can disturb your sleep and get you irritated. You have to base your judgement on his or your behaviour over the years you have been together. If you feel abused after thinking about all the time you guys have spent together (good&bad) then ofcourse there is no point in prolonging in this relationship. Just one more thing the reason we feel shitty and low about ourself after a fight is because normally in our professional and social life we do not communicate with so much emotions and feelings involved also we do not allow people to get too close for any such thing to happen so it is normal to feel low after a fight. I hope you take time to think about your situation with a cool head and decide on what you got to do. Wishing you all the happiness.
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (20 January 2009):
Yes, he's an abuser. Stay away from him.
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A
male
reader, django +, writes (20 January 2009):
He seems crazy-ass insane, to be honest. From what you say he is unable to see himself at fault, ever, and finds ways to make the most ridiculous things be 'your fault' -- and with somebody who breathes hypocrisy, you can't even really know if he now means his confession of love seriously or if he just wants the sex back. It sure doesn't seem like any of what he said ("you drive men away") makes much sense, either - unless that is based on things you haven't said.So yes indeed, he's the abuser here.
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