A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm in a really confusing situation right now, but I need to make a decision soon and I hope that I will get some good advice from here.I have been in a relationship with this guy since a year - last February, we are going to complete one year in a few days. He is a co-worker a few years older than me. It started off as a nice relationship. He's an intelligent guy and gets along well with everyone at work. We are from different countries.Four months into our relationship, I discovered through his email account, that he has been having an online relationship with another woman a year before we started dating, and he was still in a relationship with her. When I confronted him, he told me that he wanted to break up with her. He told me that it started off as a fun thing but the woman started getting really serious about him. I knew that, since through his emails I could see that the woman was totally into him. And he said that he was going to end that relationship.Since I loved him and since he promised that he is going to break up with her, I decided to give him another chance.A few days after this, he visited his home country. A few weeks later when he got back, he told me that he broke up with that woman. He showed me emails and texts from her asking him to get back with her and he even showed me his replies. Everytime she contacted him, he would tell me and show me his replies to her and I knew that they were done for sure.Months went by. And then one day in December, he left his email account open again and I went through it again (I know, my bad). And I discovered more stuff! Apparently when he went to his home country, this woman went there too (they are of the same nationality, but she lives in another country). They had made plans to visit their country at the same time and they stayed in a hotel for two days and slept together! This was just a week after I got to know about him and her! But then I saw that, that one week after that day they slept together, he broke up with her and she took it really badly and to this day she has been asking him to come back to her but he hasn't been replying.And then as I starting checking further back in his email, I got to know that he has been having online relationships with 3 other women too! They contacted him through Facebook, and he's been saying he loves them and stuff like that! And this has been going on the entire year Ive been with him. I was shocked beyond belief. When I confronted him, he told that yes he did all that. About the woman he slept with, he told me that he just wanted to end things with her. When I asked him how could he make plans to meet in his home country, book a hotel for them and sleep with her when I was his girlfriend. He said that she came into his life a long time before and they hadnt met all these years and now after he made plans to meet her and be with her, he carried on with their plans. He knew he would break up with her after that, it was like a goodbye thing. I don't know. I don't know if his answer was justified or not. About the other women, he told me that they did not mean anything to him. He said he doesn't count that as cheating. But I told him that if he's in a relationship with me, then he should not do anything like that. He accepted his mistake, he said that he just finds it exciting and its like a game and he said he wasn't serious and he knows the other women are not serious either. We spoke about it, had a really long talk, and I told him everything I felt and he explained things to me too and he said that he admitted that he knows it is wrong of him to do all that. He said he really loves me and cares for me and that he has decided to stop all the online things for the sake of our relationship as I mean so much more to him.Two months passed by and there was no incident. And then a week ago, I checked his cell phone, and I found messages from another co-worker saying she misses him. Found no replies from him. When I confronted him again about this matter, he said she has been sending stuff like this to him, but he is not interested in her and he feels like that when she sees he's not interested, she will stop it. But I made him call her and tell her that. And she hasn't been texting him after that.I know that I am really stupid to stay with him after all this. He's been chatting with other woman saying he loves them, he slept with someone, and yet I'm still with him. But then again, he has stopped it all since two months like he said he would. Well, at least I havent found anything on his emails and his cellphone.The only reason I'm still with him is that I really like him and I know he likes me too. He is good to me and he has helped me so much and he's been there for me when I needed support, whether its work related or in my life. He looks after me and cares for me. So there a lot of good things in our relationship because of which I am still with him.He promised me that he will start afresh with me on our anniversary. He said he will not chat with any other woman or not encourage other women. He said he wants me to be there for him as he's doing all this.Our anniversary is in a couple of days. Should I go ahead with what I promised him and be with him or do you think I should just end it? He ended things with the other women coz he wanted to be with me, then is it right for me to end things with him?I don't know what to do. I need to make a decision soon. Should I believe him and stay with him? Or should I leave him? Do you feel after reading all this, that he will change for the better and be true to me?
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anniversary, at work, broke up, co-worker, different countries, facebook, player, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Player. Plain and simple. Sorry, but after ALL of that with ALL those different women, I'd be gone. You're worth WAY more than that! Why do we allow people to use us like this? Hold out for someone who wants a real relationship.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2012):
 you check his email
you check his phone
will you ever trust him?
I ended a marriage because I could never trust my husband. he had lied to me about his online friendships and his flirtations with other women...
where there is not trust there is no good relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Irrespective of the co-worker, he has still done far too much damage to this relationship for you to ever be able to continue this.
Dont make excuses for him, look at you trying to defend him and give him the benefit of the doubt! Why on earth do you trust a word that comes out of his mouth after what he has done to you?
Regardless of the latest woman (the co-worker) you still need to end this because you need to find your self-respect and walk away. Dont be the doormat anymore, dont use love as an excuse anymore - love is not enough to keep you together and keep you happy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Heck no. You caught him multiple times. He said he'd stop, but he did not. He cheated on you... just not to cancel hotel reservations, basically that's what he says :). He's been playing you left right and center , and you believe he'll change becase he says so. But he said so many things that weren't true , so how can you still trust him ?
He told you and tells you he loves you, sure,... but did not he say the same to those other 3 or 4 ladies on Internet ?
Ah but he was telling THEM a lie, while he's telling YOU the truth...how can you know it ? how can you ever be sure of that ? l
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 February 2012):
Heck no. You caught him multiple times. He said he'd stop, but he did not. He cheated on you... just not to cancel hotel reservations, basically that's what he says :). He's been playing you left right and center , and you believe he'll change becase he says so. But he said so many things that weren't true , so how can you still trust him ?
He told you and tells you he loves you, sure,... but did not he say the same to those other 3 or 4 ladies on Internet ?
Ah but he was telling THEM a lie, while he's telling YOU the truth...how can you know it ? how can you ever be sure of that ? l
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbout the co-worker, he did not know that I had the password to his phone. He keeps his phone locked. I checked his phone without him knowing. And it was only this that I found suspicious. And he is her boss actually, he heads a department of around 50 people and all of them have his number. And I checked her Facebook account, she's been putting up statues that she started liking someone and that she misses someone but she is sad that she is single and has no one on valentines. So that made me feel that its just all coming only from her.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 February 2012):
Quite simply - I dont think you will ever be able to trust him. He has cheated on you, he has lied to you, he has continued to do hurtful things behind your back when you have asked him to stop....how much more does he need to do to you before you wake up and realise you are being a complete doormat and he will continue to take the piss forever?
Take the co-worker who is saying she misses him - yes there are no replies from him, but he is obviously clever enough to know you check his phone, so he deletes his replies and leaves the messages to show what an angel he is not replying to this woman. Why on earth has she got his personal phone number any way? I bet if you asked him he would say she needed it for a work project - classic lie right there. No co-worker needs your personal mobile phone number, end of story.
And think about this - why does she miss him? If they had a purely platonic relationship she would not have feelings for him would she, so how has it developed to the point where she misses him? What have they been doing together, what has he been saying to her, so that she feels so strongly she now misses him? He has at the very least been leading her on and then lying to you to pretend he never speaks to her.
He will always have more than one woman on the go, he clearly is that sort of person. He might not cheat again, but you can be sure that he will still be talking to at least one other woman at all times, whether it is a co-worker he claims to not be speaking to, or women online...he is just one of thost men that cant be faithful.
After all, he has admitted that he doesnt think online relationships are cheating, so why is he all of a sudden going to change that opinion? If he doesnt believe it is cheating, he will continue to do it because in his head he will think its fine. He just wont tell you in order not to upset you.
Now you have to stop letting him walk all over you, you have allowed this to go on far too long. The 'goodbye' sex situation is a joke, I cant believe you fell for that. How many times in your life have you said goodbye to someone by booking a hotel room and having sex with them? He obviously had feelings for that woman, didnt want to cancel his plans and thought he would get away with it. And he did. If he really loved you and respected you he would have cancelled all his plans to meet this woman, ended the relationship and that would have been it. Instead he knew he could have his cake and eat it - so he thought while he was away and not getting sex from you, he would get it elsewhere. And he did.
He knows he can get away with ANYTHING because you buy every excuse he gives you, so he will always continue because he knows he can. If you had ended the relationship after the cheating he would have known that you mean business - even if you had got back together a few weeks later he would have still understood that cheating means the end of the relationship.
But now, he knows he can do what he wants, you might get upset for a day or two and have a little fight about it, but then everything will be back to normal.
You have to leave him, for the sake of your own self respect. Otherwise he will take the piss forever and you will never be able to trust him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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