A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently had a serious talk with a guy I have been seeing for a year and a half. I told him I had developed feelings for him and originally went to talk about ending the relationship as I did not think he felt the same, however he shocked me. He said he wouldn't have kept seeing me this long if I didn't mean something to him but he thought I was happy with the arrangement so did not say anything. I came clean about how I felt and that it hurt me deeply knowing he was with other girls and he says he wants to keep seeing each other and see how things develop between us more seriously. The problem is I am having trouble trusting him, he has a bit of a reputation for being a player and I don't know whether he is saying what I want to hear for me to stay? I just think as I went in to end it if he was just using me for sex casually he would have let me end things? The other thing is I know he has a baby son who he has not mentioned to me yet (found out via a friend of his) I do not know whether to mention this now or see how things play out between us and if they get more serious if he mentions this in his own time?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 April 2013):
Hi. Well from what you say, it definitely isn't a "Friends With Benefits" type thing, which is a good thing.
Now that you have given me much more detail, I can see there is obviously more to it than just a casual fling.
So that is positive.
Seeing each other once or more times a week over the year, sounds about right for a relationship. That's good.
And he spends money on you and you go out to dinner and cinema and on other nights staying in with a hired movie.
Plus you are in contact by either phone call or text message every day, that is commitment also.
This all sounds like a regular relationship, as far as I can see.
Usually it is the guy who says something about how he feels, however there are always exceptions, I guess.
Perhaps he was waiting to see if you were going to make some suggestion or show some sort of expression of how you felt, before he did anything.
And so it looks as though you were both waiting for the other to say something.
So it was a good thing that you said something, wasn't it?
Because, had you not done so, you might both be waiting for a very long time.
And meanwhile, all these doubts would have been building up in both you and him.
I guess you both made some assumptions, but without saying anything.
And when you finally did say what you felt, well then he finally opened up to you about his feelings.
Men won't always express their true feelings to a woman until they are absolutely sure, that the woman feels the same way.
And so when you became slightly distant with him - when you didn't know what he felt - he probably took that as you not liking him as much as he liked you.
Do you know what I mean by that?
So then for him, there were a few questions and some doubt as well.
Because, he wouldn't have been aware as to why you were becoming a little distant from him, at the time.
And made even more confusing, if there were no arguments at that time.
Because an argument - and then you becoming distant - would make sense.
But that probably didn't happen at all.
So he would have been wondering if he had done something to upset you then.
And that would be a natural reaction by any man, in that situation, for sure.
So when you had the serious talk with him, the ice was finally broken.
And then it was all out in the open, once and for all.
When you started to distance yourself because you didn't know how he felt, he must have seen that as you were about to call it off, which is why he started seeing other girls.
He most likely saw it as a sign, of the beginning of the end.
Unfortunately in relationships sometimes, people don't talk enough about important issues, and instead, simply make a whole bunch of assumptions.
And more often than not, those assumptions are completely wrong.
I'm really glad that you took the bull by the horns, and just came right out and said what was on your mind.
And I'm sure you probably agree.
It all sounds pretty good to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013): Hi I'm the original posterWe see each other at least a week if not more and stay in contact with each other every day whether a call or texts. We go out a lot to cinema, dinner etc and he usually pays. We sometimes arrange to meet up but usually he comes to mines or me to his but we don't always have sex sometimes just a night in with a film. he had a set of my house keys so he sonetimes just appears at mines to see me, which it doesnt always lead to sex. We have been seeing each other at least once a week if not more through the whole year. He did mention that to him this wasn't a fling but he thought as I had went quiet and distant a few times (was trying to distance myself to leave) that he thought it was over between us hence why he hooked up with other girls. He says he not an emotionally showing guy that i need to ask him these things direct otherwise he just assumes everything ok. He said I should have said how I felt sooner to him so he knew how I felt n could have acted better n not hurt me as he did not mean too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2013):
 He is sooo playing you, it's obvious if one is not blinded by feelings or hormons.
One year and a half of FWB , and he did not say anything because he thought you liked it like that ? really ? How considerate of him. But why did not ASK you, to find out if what he " thought " was correct. Why didn't he tell you, when he felt his feelings were changing, so teh agreement too was inadequate as it was; you did tell . Why couldn't he ?
And then,after thgese revelations , what happens ? nothing. That things stay the same, and you are going to see if anything develops. Hasn't he had 18 months to see if theer are chances to develop sonething ? How much does he need to make his mind, 18 more months ? Ok prudence and taking it slowly, but up to a apoint. He is just stringing you along so that he can keep using you.
You object that, if he really did not give a f..k about you, he'd have let you go without resistence. But you forget two important factors : 1 ) Ego . Players like to play and leave, not to be played and be left. He wants to be the one to say when. 2) Effort required, which in this case is zilch. I mean, if for keeping you he should have shown you real efforts, real changes, real seriousness, eh then he'd probably was going to say ,thanks but no thanks , too much effort. But, if for convincing you to stay ( and put out ) all he's got to do is to say a couple of nice platitudes, then sure, why not.
I mean, come on, you have been seeing each other since quite a while, he says he wants to take things " more " seriously ( I wonder why just "seriously ", period, is not good ? :) , what better time to tell you about his baby son - but he does not. And you wonder if you can trust him or not ?... is the ( negative ) answer not evident ?
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A
female
reader, Dayzee +, writes (14 April 2013):
You sound like a fairly sensible young lady. You are right to be very careful as you are aware that he is a player. This is not only from his reputation but from the fact that he has had numerous girls since you have known him. I myself would not date a player because I don't like being plaed and cheated on. There's no guarantee that he will cheaat,or break your heart, just a better than average chance of it.
If he is a player he will respect you more if he can't play you. So take your time before deciding to proceed with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013): He is playing you!
He is playing your FEELINGS. That is what players do.
You have been seeing him for close to a year. Everything that has developed has developed--he don't care enough about you to be exclusive.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 April 2013):
Hi there. You said here that you have been seeing this guy for a year now.
Could you tell me what happens when you see him each time, over that year please?
(1) Does he take you out and spend money on you?
(2) Does he call you through the week at least once?
(3) Does he seem to care genuinely about you, and is he interested in you and in your life?
(4) Does he treat you well and with respect and dignity?
(5) Does he sometimes give you gifts for no reason?
Or, does he call you out of the blue, asking to see you, and then you say "Yes," and he picks you up and takes you to his place - for sex?
And then does he just take you home, and that's it - until his next phone call?
So what I am asking here, is how often does he call you to see you?
Is it weekly?
Or, is it every so many weeks or so - like, every 2-3 weeks or less often?
I am just trying to get a rough idea of how often you actually do see each other.
Like if it is a regular thing - every week, at least once a week - or, is it every so often, and like that the whole time over this last year?
If you can tell me this, I can help you further.
What you have said here, about maybe he is using you for sex, this could provide a clue - especially, as you also mention you have some trust issues with him, and know already he is a bit of a player.
Plus, what you said that he could be just saying what you want to hear.
These 2 things provide some clues to what is really going on here.
A man will usually make it pretty clear about how he feels towards a woman, once he is sure of how he feels.
It will be clear in his actions, even if he doesn't make it clear in words.
And it will very often happen within the first 3-6 months of first going out together.
Perhaps you already have a sense of being used, and the idea has come to you from your intuition, which always is trying to help you.
And when he said that - "He said he wouldn't have kept seeing me this long if I didn't mean something to him but he thought I was happy with the arrangement so did not say anything" - could be a confirmation of what you said about him saying what you wanted to hear.
You must always go by your gut feeling and what your heart is telling you, even though it is sometimes hard to believe what you instinctively know is the truth.
A year is a very long time for him to not express some serious intent towards you, of how he is feeling.
And especially, if his actions don't point towards some kind of emotional commitment to you.
He already knows how you feel towards him, and so it is now up to him to decide where he wants to go with his relationship with you.
And so the ball is now in his court.
Even though he has said what he said to you, that still isn't really giving anything too much away to you about what he does feel towards you.
He isn't exactly declaring his undying love to you, is he?
Well certainly not at the moment, anyway.
And so for this reason, it would be wise for you to set a mental deadline - say 6 months from now - as the last time for him to have made up is mind about where you and him are going in future as a relationship, if you are going anywhere, that is.
Don't tell him this, just keep it to yourself, and do not issue an ultimatum either, because that doesn't work.
It will probably only force him to just end it.
If he only wants things casual - which means no commitment by him, and you are not exclusive as a couple - well then that directly contradicts what you really want, doesn't it?
And so that won't work for very long, either.
You cannot force him into something he doesn't want, and so this is the very reason for you to make up your mind as to what you really want in a man and from him, and if he isn't prepared to do that, and you see no change in his behaviour towards you then, well then you will have to come to a decision - whether to stay or leave.
First though, give him the 6 months deadline (don't tell him this), and if he does show some genuine commitment towards you, well then good.
Or, if after 6 months, he still thinks the same as he does now, well then it will be decision time for you.
It really depends on what you want, and so nothing you can do will influence him in any way, if he doesn't want a serious relationship.
It is really up to you now.
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